to open DHs post?

[DMPI]

DH and I have been married for several years, lived together for even longer, have a happy and loving marriage.

We have had a disagreement on if it’s ok to open each other’s post though. I don’t see a problem with it seeing as we are married, we know each other’s passcodes to our phones (although I don’t go on his phone and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t look through mine), we know each other’s PIN numbers, we know each other’s email and social media passwords (again never felt the need to check). Have a joint bank account and credit card etc.

I got home from work before DH today and he had a letter, I opened it as it was in official brown envelope and it was his new driving licence. I left on dining room table for him then went out to the shops, came back and he was home and a bit moody. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t want me opening his post again!

I apologised and said I didn’t realise it was an issue and I wouldn’t care if he opened mine. I said I wouldn’t open his post again and he calmed down a bit but said it was an invasion of privacy and something his ex used to do (she was paranoid and jealous though).

I’m still struggling to see why it’s an issue, I like that we have an open and honest marriage and I’m just wondering why it bothered him so much.

We open each others. Don't really know why, I guess its because like you we have joint accounts and a lot of the time things just come addressed to my husband even if it's to do with me. If my husband asked me not to though I would.

I open all the mail and then put it into folders ot belongs to. We don't have a problem with it. My DH doesn't open mine though. Probs because he can't be arsed to put it in a folder after😁
We don't get any exciting mail.

I do understand though why yours has an issue with it from what you said about ex

I think it’s obviously just personal preference then! Fingers crossed DH does not divorce me or call police on me!

some very strong feelings about post. I open all our post, assume it's ok as never been told otherwise. Hope I also don't have police or divorce coming up OP.

I think it’s obviously just personal preference then!

It is. Same like joint accounts or separate one.

probably being nosy more than anything

But you gave a happy and loving relationship of many years... so why do you need to be nosy? Presumably you knew he'd applied for a new driving licence. You could've seen from the brown envelope what it was without looking. It was expected so what was there to be nosy about?

In your many years relationship, presumably you've never opened his post before (or you've had this conversation before now)? So, similarly but differently, I don't see why this particular envelope provoked your nosiness.

I don't think you have really given any good reason why you want to open his post.

And you should stop it.

YABU. I’m not hiding anything in my post but it would feel like an awful invasion of privacy if DH opened it

I think it is illegal to open someone else's post. Leave his post alone!

I open all the post except birthday cards and hand written thingd. To be honest it's only the odd bill or credit card offer. If my partner didn't want me to l wouldn't. I don't think anyone gets anything interesting in post these days

I once opened something medical which I thought was mine but was actually my DH's. I felt really bad for invading his privacy, then poor DH felt like he had to tell me this medical info that he wanted to keep to himself, as well as feeling like he had to justify why he'd kept it private. I've always been much more careful since.

Hopefully l won't go to prison for this. I wonder if anyone has ever been prosucted for opening someone else's mail..off to Google

I open all the post except birthday cards and hand written thingd. To be honest it's only the odd bill or credit card offer. If my partner didn't want me to l wouldn't. I don't think anyone gets anything interesting in post these days

Agreed. Ours is pretty boring.
The leaflets are actually more interesting...

@DisplayPurposesOnly what does having a happy loving marriage have to do with being nosy? The two aren’t mutually exclusive your post doesn’t make sense...

And no I didn’t know he had applied for a new licence, I didn’t know his other one had even expired. And no, I haven’t opened his post before as tbh most of the mail is addressed to either myself or us both, I actually can’t remember the last time he had a letter just for him...

At least you know now!

My husband and I are very open with each other. I really couldn’t care less if he opened my post and I don’t think he could either! We share everything, we’ll happily use each other’s phones (eg if I can’t find mine I’ll just use his to ring it) and it’s not from a jealousy/control perspective. It’s just that we have no secrets and it’s a complete non issue. I think it’s weird when people keep secrets from their spouse. Who are you going to trust if you can’t even trust your spouse?

I hate opening my own post, let alone anyone else's😂 but on a serious note, I wouldn't be very happy if DH (or anyone else for that matter) opened my post and don't see why you would want or need to open anyone else's post unless they had specifically asked you to (if they were away or something?!)

I don't even open my own mail (stupid bank statements that I can see online anyway!) so wouldn't open his unless he asked. You think that there are no secrets in a marriage but what if it was a medical appointment that he didn't want to worry you about for example. So no you shouldn't unless he asks.

OP you didn't want to be told YWBU. You wanted to be told that he was being uptight and he should back off. But you' were being very unreasonable. One, he has a good reason to be more sensitive to this than some, and two, you can joke all you like but it is illegal.

I'm glad you're not going to do it again.

what does having a happy loving marriage have to do with being nosy?

Because presumably you aren't worried about him keeping secrets. You were purely being nosy for nosiness sake.

DH and I both open the post for the day depending on who's around at the time. If they're obviously personal letters we don't but everything else is just boring admin, open it, deal with it, bin it.

I didn't realise people felt quite so strongly about it.

It’s not illegal, that’s a myth (it’s only illegal if ‘intending to act to a person’s detriment, e.g. theft), but it is weird. Why would you open post addressed to someone else? It is not intended for you and smacks of snooping.

Not opening each other's mail has nothing to do with not trusting one another or keeping secrets. That misses the point spectacularly. It's quite the opposite actually. It's about how you in your own relationship go about respecting one another as individuals. For me part of that is letting me function as an individual as well as part of a couple. It's important to me. We share everything, know.
each others passwords (never used them), primary bank account is joint, fingerprints open each other's phones. Again, not that we ever use that unless one is driving or something.
It's not "better" to be in a relationship where you open each others mail, not is it worse and it has nothing whatsoever to do with not trusting. It's about respecting what the other person wants

Posted too soon - it's not even like what's in the mail is a secret, if it's relevant or important we will discuss it. It just wouldn't occur to me to open his mail and vice Versa.

You were wrong to open his post without checking with him first. I wouldn't be happy if dh opened mine and we don't know the passcodes to each other's phones either. I'm not sure why I would need to get in his phone