to open DHs post?

[DMPI]

DH and I have been married for several years, lived together for even longer, have a happy and loving marriage.

We have had a disagreement on if it’s ok to open each other’s post though. I don’t see a problem with it seeing as we are married, we know each other’s passcodes to our phones (although I don’t go on his phone and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t look through mine), we know each other’s PIN numbers, we know each other’s email and social media passwords (again never felt the need to check). Have a joint bank account and credit card etc.

I got home from work before DH today and he had a letter, I opened it as it was in official brown envelope and it was his new driving licence. I left on dining room table for him then went out to the shops, came back and he was home and a bit moody. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t want me opening his post again!

I apologised and said I didn’t realise it was an issue and I wouldn’t care if he opened mine. I said I wouldn’t open his post again and he calmed down a bit but said it was an invasion of privacy and something his ex used to do (she was paranoid and jealous though).

I’m still struggling to see why it’s an issue, I like that we have an open and honest marriage and I’m just wondering why it bothered him so much.

He told you why it bothers him, though - his paranoid and possessive ex used to do it.

Why is it hard to believe that it reminds him of that?

So it’s no big deal. He is still a person in his own right and just wants to open his own mail.

I have absolutely nothing to hide but my post, my phone and my bedside cabinet are three areas of my life I deem personal. There is nothing exciting, interesting, scandalous or that I’m trying to hide but these areas are mine, I don’t want to share everything all of the time. If my husband opened my post, looked through my phone or went in to my cabinet I would be annoyed.

We don't each others private letters etc but any e Bay parcels that come are fair game and usually mine anyway (he orders most e Bay stuff for both of us). I wouldn't want to invade his privacy nor he mine. On occasion if a letter has arrived that he wasn't expecting he has asked me to open it whilst on the phone to him as he has been intrigued as to what it was!

I don't need to - I can work out what it is by the envelope

(It's also a sad state of affairs when the most of our mail is junk - all the personal, good stuff is all done by e-mail lol)

Yes Starlight my handbag is also private. If we're out and DH asks me to put something of his in my bag he will ask for it and not just go looking. If he's been away I wouldn't look in his suitcase (in case I spoil a surprise if I'm getting a gift).

Nothing to do with how loving our relationship is, just both value and respect each other's privacy.

It annoys me when DH opens my post. We have joint everything and full access to emails, phones etc. Not that o would look.

My main reason for not liking it is as other posters said; I want to see it first, and if it is already open I can't tell what is dealt with and what is outstanding.

Imagine how annoying it would be if your DH occasionally marked all your WhatsApp chats as read, so you never knew if you needed to check through everything to make sure nothing was missed?

I'll open his if he's away, especially if it's important-looking, so that if it is something he needs to know about he can be told sooner rather than later. He wants me to. He won't open mine though, unless I specifically ask him to, despite knowing I don't mind. He wouldn't even open a letter addressed to both of us the other day, purely because my name was first! I think it's because he'd rather I took care of official stuff where possible and he'd just likes me to deal with it.

It's the same with the phones though. I think he's maybe answered mine once. I'll answer his whenever he's not around, regardless of who's calling. And he wants me to. His boss has been surprised once or twice but he's used to me answering to him by now.

YWNBU as you didn't know, but now you do YWBU to continue

Christ. If it isn't addressed to you then it isn't for you to open.

I've been with my husband a long time, very happy and in love. But I'd be absolutely furious if he opened my post. Much the same as if he was snooping into any of my private affairs.

It's his mail! I'd be annoyed too.

Been very happily married for 37 years and we share everything including finances but we never open each others' post, nor do we check each others' phones. Why would we? It's called trust.

Sorry but YABU

Why did you think you had the right to open it in the first place?

It would never occur to me to open anyone else's mail!

He has told you why he doesn't like it. And his reason seems very fair to me. Stop doing it.

I would not be having that shit. It's his post, addressed to him. Why would you be so nosy as to open it? It's intrusive, disrespectful and yes, illegal.

He is allowed privacy even in marriage and I can see why it would really piss him off especially if a controlling ex used to do it; he presumably left her because of behaviour like that.

I would never open my DH post, but he wouldn’t be bothered if I did, I however would not be happy if he opened mine. It’s personal

We’ve been married 25yrs. DH has always said he doesn’t care if I open his post. But I still will not do it unless he says ok for each letter. For example, He just ordered a new debit card as the chip went bad on his. I saw the bank envelope with hard inside and I texted “hey looks like your debit card may have come in”. He called at lunch and asked me to open the letter to confirm while I was on phone and it was his card. Same with amazon packages,..I’ll just text and say amazon package came for you. But I will never open anything addressed to him without his consent for that item.
Now joint letters like school letters addressed to BOTH of us are fair game. First in gets to open them.

You’ve answered your own question OP. His ex used to do it. He just doesn’t like being reminded of his feelings about that part of his past.
Let him open his post.

Leave it alone, it's his post, not yours. I agree with every word of JeNeBaguetteRien's post as that is how my husband and I behave too.

If he doesn't want you to, of course you mustn't, but I open my dh's (with his agreement/encouragement) because he doesn't want to deal with 'life admin' if he can avoid it! I don't check his phone etc though and think he'd be offended if I did...

I don’t even open the letters addressed to us both. In my eyes, they are his and he can deal.

I opened my husband's post tonight. To be fair, it was our child's passport. Hopefully he won't start divorce proceedings when he finds out...

I like to open my own mail and would be pissed off if it was opened without my permission.

My OH and I are open with each other about everything. We really couldn't care less if we open each others post. We also know each others passwords and pass codes, not to be nosing in each others stuff but just because we feel comfortable doing so. We've been together for 12 years.

In our division of labor, mail almost always falls to me. That means I open almost all of dh’s post. The exceptions are birthday cards and things like hand addressed letters from his doctor, though he tells me to open the med letters most of the time.