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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to open DHs post?

97 replies

DMPI · 06/08/2019 20:14

DH and I have been married for several years, lived together for even longer, have a happy and loving marriage.

We have had a disagreement on if it’s ok to open each other’s post though. I don’t see a problem with it seeing as we are married, we know each other’s passcodes to our phones (although I don’t go on his phone and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t look through mine), we know each other’s PIN numbers, we know each other’s email and social media passwords (again never felt the need to check). Have a joint bank account and credit card etc.

I got home from work before DH today and he had a letter, I opened it as it was in official brown envelope and it was his new driving licence. I left on dining room table for him then went out to the shops, came back and he was home and a bit moody. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn’t want me opening his post again!

I apologised and said I didn’t realise it was an issue and I wouldn’t care if he opened mine. I said I wouldn’t open his post again and he calmed down a bit but said it was an invasion of privacy and something his ex used to do (she was paranoid and jealous though).

I’m still struggling to see why it’s an issue, I like that we have an open and honest marriage and I’m just wondering why it bothered him so much.

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers21 · 06/08/2019 21:29

me and my partner always open each other’s letters. whoever gets the post from the letterbox just opens them all regardless of whose name is on them.

Andromeida59 · 06/08/2019 21:31

The only time I opened my partner's mail was when I was picking the post up from our old address and I saw a very official letter from a court. It was for jury duty so I called him to let him know.
His mail is his mail. I really wouldn't like it if he started opening mine. We don't hide anything but we are still separate people.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 06/08/2019 21:32

I would only open my partner’s post if he asked me to. I’m off for summer holidays, and the other week text him to say there was an official looking letter from his work, so he asked me to open it and photograph it/send the picture because he knew it would be to do with his annual payrise. Likewise, I do bits of freelance on top of my teaching job, and have asked him to open things related to that if he’s been home. Even if I knew it was eg tickets for a gig he’d paid for for us both, I just wouldn’t think to open it.

Per PPs, we know one another’s passcodes for phones, email passwords etc, so it’s not a trust thing. I think I was just brought up that post was private, and it’s stuck with me as an adult!

RB68 · 06/08/2019 21:32

Generally don't however OH works away alot and actually alot fo the business post comes to him but is dealt with by me - if he is away for at least another 24hrs and it looks important then I open it and vice versa - but I am generally home etc

mydogisthebest · 06/08/2019 21:37

Whoever gets to the post first opens it. As I don't work it is usually me. I would not open birthday cards though.

DH is not bothered in the slightest and neither am I when he opens my post.

TanyaChix · 06/08/2019 21:38

There’s nothing at all in my mail that I need to keep secret from my husband but I still don’t want him opening my post. You’ve been told that he doesn’t want you to because wants to open it himself. That’s not remotely the same as him hiding the contents. Why are you making this all about trust and suggesting that it’s almost a test of his honesty? ? He just wants to open his own post which is addressed to him! Have you considered that instead of creating a feeling of trust, you insisting on opening his mail actually sends the opposite message to him?

Original poster

DMPI · 06/08/2019 21:42

Have shown DH this thread and it’s been a great ice breaker to our mini argument earlier. We’ve been cracking up over the faux outrage of some previous posters hubby is now calling police on me to have me locked up for breaking the law and will be calling a divorce lawyer first thing in the morning - joking! Thanks all, good night x

OP posts:

Cushionsarecomfie · 06/08/2019 21:42

I don’t get this, I really don’t. The amount of threads I have seen about how a poster should find out and photocopy all a partners financial statements or how it’s unfair they are hiding this or that and then a poster makers some innocuous post regarding a long term relationship and they open a letter and the number that posters seem to scream ‘it’s mine’, ‘it’s illegal’ or ‘hands off!’. Seriously. My DH and I open each other’s post and know exactly what’s going on day to day cos in our mind it’s just called communication. This is even though we do have a prenup - requested by me - which means I could have potentially chosen to hide or secret stuff but it seemed to me that once that was dealt with (it’s an inheritance and even then it’s all out in the open) we are actually just a team

ElizaPancakes · 06/08/2019 21:46

DH and both open each other’s post, but we are both J A Doe. I’d rather he didn’t and have told him this so he doesn’t.

Nicknacky · 06/08/2019 21:46

I’m a team with my h but his mail is his and mine is mine. Neither of us are hiding anything but I am my own person with my own postal correspondence.

ElizaPancakes · 06/08/2019 21:47

Sorry I mean I know it happens by accident sometimes but I’d rather it didn’t happen on purpose!

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 06/08/2019 21:54

My DH never deals with post, therefore he doesn’t open it. I do. He doesn’t care, never anything interesting. I only get annoyed if he opens my post and does show me what it is.

choli · 06/08/2019 21:56

Sort of reminds me of parents who insist on opening their late teens/adult children’s mail, bank statements etc - it’s just an invasion of privacy even if you live together and aren’t snooping or intending to do anything nefarious.
My mother used to do that. It was infuriating but she always said that I was living in her house and that gave her the right.
I have the opposite problem now. My husband hates to open his mail and wants me to open it, read it, and 'tell me if it's important'

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 06/08/2019 21:56

I would not open birthday cards though

No fair enough, me neither

BeefTomato · 06/08/2019 21:57

I think it’s weird when people keep secrets from their spouse.

In my case, a relative had been diagnosed with a condition that could be genetic and he had some symptoms which led him to want to be tested for the same condition in case he had it too. I was very stressed and swamped at the time so he didn't want to add to my load for something which was probably nothing. And it was nothing in the end.

He kept it private as a kindness. I would say that it was very reasonable for him to keep it private in the circumstances.

PriestessModwena · 06/08/2019 22:13

I think it depends on upbringing. There's lots of quirky things certain people think is a definite 'no' but others might disagree.

I handle pretty much everything, I had opened a letter and got a bollocking for it, then 5 days later quizzed why I hadn't opened a parcel that came. (To which I delightfully responded I'm not to open your post (even though it'll be chucked at me when he opens it, for me to deal with anyway))

The lecture I got about this, mixed with the fact I've been doing it years with stuff I knew I'd have to deal with, made me think he was going to pick a fight even if I breathed too loud.

AquaPris · 06/08/2019 22:23

If I open his post he wouldn't notice it - he doesn't notice it when I do open it! We wouldn't be bothered but I hate it when my sister opens it once texted me asking if I knew how much student debt I was in. Yes I have 55k because I did 4 years after the 9k year sis - am aware you got a medical degree for 9k.

Sorry tangent. It's individual and illegal - let him have what privacy he wants unless you believe he's hiding debt or something

TriciaH87 · 06/08/2019 23:36

First you broke the law. But more importantly what if he decided to book something as a gift like show tickets, a weekend away etc you would ruin it. In 11 years I have never opened my partners post unless he has said his waiting for something specific and asked me to so if its not there he can chase it up.

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 00:02

I would never, ever open my DH’s mail and he would never open mine. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re automatically entitled!

Cheeserton · 07/08/2019 00:11

All the joking and exaggeration aside, I'm on your DH's side with this one. It's the principle. Post personally addressed should be opened by the addressee, whether or not they are married, unless specifically authorised.

PickAChew · 07/08/2019 00:18

YABU. Even if DH's post is potentially my business, it can usually wait until he gets home. Occasionally, something is intriguing, like when he got caught by a traffic camera, or needs action (eg papers he was waiting on after his mum died) but in that case I photograph the envelope, send him the pic and ask him if he wants me to open it for him.

I expect and receive the same courtesy from him.

RosesAndRaindrops · 07/08/2019 00:22

My DH and I never open one another's post, look at each other's phones, know each other's passwords etc.As individuals we are entitled to our own lives and privacy.Although it wouldn't matter in material terms if my DH opened my post (nothing to hide) he wouldn't do it and I would be horrified if he did.I'm with your DH here

Same to all of that.
Nothing to hide, but why the need to poke and nosey if there's no trust issues?

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