To be upset my SD has moved in without asking me

[Lizzie2a]

I have been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. His 28 year old DD recently made the decision to move back after living and working abroad for 2 years. Without consulting me, my DH agreed to her, plus her dogs, living with us. I was told it was for a couple of weeks, it now appears to be an open ended arrangement.

Whilst she is an amazing person & I love and admire her dearly, my home is no longer my own. I arrive home after a 12 hour day to mess, barking dogs and another person's belongings everywhere. My DH has asked her to tidy up & this now happens but of course now I'm the evil grumpy SM for even mentioning anything.

No rent is being paid and it feels like decisions like trips, meals etc are now made between DH and SD with me as an afterthought. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the lodger in my own home. I don't blame my SD as my DH was the one who decided not to discuss things with me. I am so angry with my DH for agreeing to a situation and making decisions without me. I don't want a bad relationship with my SD & don't want to lose my DH. Help!

I'd be angry with your DH too, not only for not consulting you but also for leaving you out and also for apparently telling your SD you wanted her to tidy up, rather than presenting it as a general request.
Have you talked to him about it?

He's the problem here.

I'd also be annoyed at your DH. He shouldn't have unilaterally made that decision.

She is an adult in her own right who needs to act like one and an open ended regress to being a teenager at dad's place isn't ok.

If he'd spoken to you and said "DC needs to stop with us, how do you feel about a fortnight on the understanding she mucks in and doesn't take the piss" then I'd have said saying no to that request would have been unreasonable because she's his kid at the end of the day. But he didn't do that. He's changed the dynamic of your Hosur entirely for an indefinite period of time

Who says you're the evil grumpy step mother?

But I agree. Your dh is the problem here. You're a team. You make decisions together.

Bad enough he offered your home without consulting you but now it's never ending.

I can see it would do your head in. And absolutely she should tidy up and pay a contribution to the housekeeping money but..
If you had needed to move home in your 20s of course you would expect your parents to let you.
Or...
if your adult child needed somewhere to live you would want them to be able to live with you.

It’s a toughie - my DH knows that if ever any of my children need to come hone, whatever their age, whether it’s his step-children or biological, then that’s that. Nothing to be discussed - family is family. He accepted that when he chose to have a relationship with me. Did you not discuss this scenario at all when you met?
If you did, and the reality is different, then you have a reasonable annoyance. If you didn’t, then I’m afraid it was a foreseeable consequence of him having children that maybe should have been discussed prior to your marriage.
Could you move forward positively with making new house rules re housework etc? Only fair with a change of circumstances - have a family chat.

So if it were joint children , or your child, would there have been a discussion?

Who owns the hosue ?

Is it DH's property? Was it her family home?

If you have moved into his house, then I don't think you get a say about his child moving back home.

If it is your shared property in both your names, then I think you should of course get a say.

IAskTooManyQuestions
At that age, I'd expect a discussion unless it was an emergency situation regardless of child or step child.

At 28 there shouldn't be an expectation of turn up at home with the dogs, move in for an indefinite period of time and act like a teen.

*Is it DH's property? Was it her family home?

If you have moved into his house, then I don't think you get a say about his child moving back home.*

They’re married. Of course she gets a say, regardless of who lived there first. It shouldn’t even matter if they’re married or not, it’s her home.

When we met we both agreed that we loved our kids to bits but, after having them young, it was now our time to live our lives. I've no problem with a short term arrangement, life happens and we all need help at times, but it's the lack of discussion and the now apparent open ended arrangement that I'm struggling with.

What do you want to happen? She's here now, so call a family meeting and start with what you need to make it tolerable. I would be looking at a fair contribution and house rules along with a plan for the future. Does she want to rent, save up for a deposit or is she looking for a new job? (These would apply if any of my children arrived home as adults too, so it not the evil SM dynamic at work).

I would also tell DH you are rethinking the relationship as he did not even bother to consult with you before agreeing. It's the disrespect and lack of communication that matters.

Even if she was your biological child, DH would be wrong to make a unilateral decision about who gets to live in your home. And it's not on that you're suddenly expected to play gooseberry.

Obviously she gets a say, but I think that morally she gets much less of a say if this is DH's daughter returning to her childhood/family home vs moving into her father's new property that he is renting with his new wife.

In fairness she's not acting like a teen she's a lovely girl. She's just used to her own way of doing things. But I'm set in my ways too....

I agree with the others - whose house was it originally?

I know I would want a home for my own children, though, but would hate someone else's to move in (especially with a dog!)

Obviously she gets a say, but I think that morally she gets much less of a say if this is DH's daughter returning to her childhood/family home vs moving into her father's new property that he is renting with his new wife

Or maybe it is DH's home and the OP's own property is being rented to supplement shared income, or maybe the OP sold her home to pay off DH's mortgage ...

Would it be easier without the dogs OP? That would be the dealbreaker for me (I'd be furious enough anyway but that would be the straw...).

I think people think about and discuss blended families and children when starting new relationships and entering marriages but forget that adults still sometimes need to move home.
How many people whose marriage breaks down at least initially move back in with parents, it is certainly not an unusual circumstance.
How many people live with parents after university to save a house deposit.
If I were ever to find myself entering a second marriage/relationship I would make it clear that my children would have a home wherever I am should they need it- it would be non negotiable.
I would also expect DH to have a similar view should we ever split.

You don’t have a SD problem, you have a DH problem. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner, he thinks you are an unpaid housekeeper.

You need to have a serious discussion with him and agree a date for her to move out.

I don't think it matters whose house it is. Otherwise there should be a warning to all future step parents that unless you and DP sell up and buy a new house then you've got to accept that your step kids might move in indefinitely at any point during life because it was their house first.

She's 28 years old, has decided to move back from overseas and has moved in with her dad without any consideration for the rest of the household.

OP You sound lovely. Apologies if my teen comment was our of order, to me if you're getting in and having her mess to deal with that's teen territory to me and now respecting the house.

She's just used to her own way of doing things. But I'm set in my ways too...

And thats the difficulty. She is used to being independent doing things when she wants without having to worry about anybody else. And so are you. So you need to have a nice calm chat and find a way of making it work for both of you.

There should at least be a discussion of expectations and house rules, even if it's felt you can't veto someone giving their adult child a home. It's the disrespect as a pp said. Plus them now making decisions together. And for me the dogs would be a big issue, especially if you're not a dog household already.

You need a serious talk with him about how it's made you feel, and he needs to talk to daughter again presenting things as household issues to be resolved, not just 'your' problems with her. Out of interest is it his, yours or a joint house?

The OP has said she doesn't have a problem with helping out in an emergency and in a short term situation.

It’s the fact there has been no discussion about how long this arrangement will be for, and how everyone is expected to manage the change in the meantime.

It doesn’t matter whether they’re family or not - another adult moving into your home will have an impact and it has to be discussed like adults, otherwise resentment will build up and relationships will suffer.

He is being unreasonable and definitely should have checked with you first. I wouldnt have an issue with the SD staying for a while but I would have a bit problem with the dogs - is there a possibility of putting them in kennels for a time or having someone else look after them?
I also think she should be paying rent assuming she is an adult with a job. Even just a contribution to increased bills- many parents charge their adult children a nominal rent.
Unfortunately I think it will be difficult to suggest anything without seeming like the grumpy stepmom, even though you're perfectly entitled to be grumpy about this situation!

I don't think it matters whose house it is. Otherwise there should be a warning to all future step parents that unless you and DP sell up and buy a new house then you've got to accept that your step kids might move in indefinitely at any point during life because it was their house first.

I honestly believe that if you marry a person with children you should accept that anyway. You are a parent from the minute your child is born to the moment you die, the responsibility never changes however your circumstances do or the age of your children.