To be upset my SD has moved in without asking me

[Lizzie2a]

I have been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. His 28 year old DD recently made the decision to move back after living and working abroad for 2 years. Without consulting me, my DH agreed to her, plus her dogs, living with us. I was told it was for a couple of weeks, it now appears to be an open ended arrangement.

Whilst she is an amazing person & I love and admire her dearly, my home is no longer my own. I arrive home after a 12 hour day to mess, barking dogs and another person's belongings everywhere. My DH has asked her to tidy up & this now happens but of course now I'm the evil grumpy SM for even mentioning anything.

No rent is being paid and it feels like decisions like trips, meals etc are now made between DH and SD with me as an afterthought. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the lodger in my own home. I don't blame my SD as my DH was the one who decided not to discuss things with me. I am so angry with my DH for agreeing to a situation and making decisions without me. I don't want a bad relationship with my SD & don't want to lose my DH. Help!

Moving in is one thing. Moving in and taking over the place is another. It seems like the OP has been relegated to the role of outsider while DSD rules the roost and does what she wants. That is not fair.

And as she's married to DSD's father, I don't see how she has to accept being marginalised in her own home, whoever owned it first.

There is absolutely no way my biological parents would let me move in with two dogs, and they would think about it and discuss it first even without the dogs due to my age. So for people saying it's a given that her dad would do that, it isn't - lots of parents would not be willing to let their kids move back in at 28. As OP said, they already had a conversation about how they loved their kids to bits but now it was time to live their own life with their own space. This is a very common view to take.

My 27 year old sister has moved back in with my parents after coming back from abroad and the discussion has been about how to set her up so she can move out for a long time now, her own mother wants her own space. It's nothing personal, but at a certain age it's just not a given that you can live there anymore, especially rent free.

Given that she is the age she is, and especially given the conversation you mentioned, your DH was entirely wrong to move her back in without discussing it with you. I would talk to him openly about how you feel, that you also feel they are excluding you from household decisions which is not what you want from life with grown up children. Start a dialogue on encouraging her to apply for jobs etc. This is just what many biological parents would do.

If she's been working abroad, how come she has 2 dogs?

But as everyone says, you and your DH need to discuss this. She may be his DD, but this is also your home. There need to be some agreed parameters e.g. decisions are made with you involved, she should be looking for work (if not already working), she should be contributing to the household (if working) and there should be a target date for her to be off. And she needs to keep her dogs out of your way!

Call a family meeting, smiley but firm. Address the big things: how you love her, how long she’ll be staying (concrete timings), General house rules. Let them both know family meetings will be weekly from now on...

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again".

Or maybe that would just be me...

Surely you need to discuss this with DH? Does he refuse to discuss it with you?
And find out what SD intentions are. Then agree how to make it work for all of you.

These threads do make me ironically laugh.

If the boot were on the other foot, you'd have mothers smoting breats saying how a man would never come between them and their child, no matter the age .... but woe betide a man supporting his child for a bit - and all hell breaks loose, the new partner demands to have 'first place' in his affections and the child of a previous partnership can sod off.

Let them both know family meetings will be weekly from now on...

riiight ! and normal people have these all the time

The more I read, the more dysfunctional I realise society and families are becoming

I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US.

Bit of an assumption there that it is his house. OP hasn't clarified yet but her early posts refer several times to 'my own home'. If it turns out to be her property, what would you substitute for the delightful reply above?

Sounds like this was her family home and she's moved back in and she and her DF have fallen back into the relationship they used to have before you lived there.

Is it her family home?

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again".
If that was her response to having a sensible adult chat about freeloading indefinitely then she'd be an entitled stroppy madam who thinks the world owes her something and I'd like to think that anyone would be perfectly willing to tell a 28 year old adult not to be so rude and obnoxious to anyone.

We aren't talking about a teenager or someone just out of university. They are almost 30 years old!

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again".

This is how MN thinks step parents should be treated.

Step parents are to be crapped on, treated badly, pushed aside but also supportive, accepting, smiley and sweet.

OP hasn't even said whose house it is. I spoke on here about an issue with my SS a while ago and everyone was "Well he's probably annoyed that you'll be getting his inheritance". It made me laugh because he is very welcome to inherit his dads ridiculous amount of debt.

Your DSD doesn't sound like an amazing person to me. She's getting on 30 and she thinks it ok to move back in with her parents, biological or otherwise, with two noisy dogs and not pick up after herself or pay anything towards her keep. She sounds like an entitled brat and your DH needs to give her a time frame to move out if she's showing no sign of doing so already.

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again".

Aye the marriage would be over for me if that little gem came out of any of my kids, step or not.

Apologies if I've missed it, but how long has she been home? The OP just says 'recently' which could be anything from 2 days to 2 months. Did she move home just 'because' or was it due to a relationship break up or similar? Is she working? Is she paying rent? Because if she's not then she should be doing 100% of the housework and meal prep in lieu of rent. If she is, then she should be moving out, or at least saving up to do so.

I do think you need to talk to your DH and find out exactly what he's thinking about how long she should be staying and what he thinks her responsibilities should be. You and he need to come to some sort of an agreement, because it's no good you issuing an ultimatum if he's going to ignore or countermand it. Then it should be a three way discussion and the two of you need to present a united front.

These days returning children aren't all that unusual. And it's normal (unfortunately) for them to 'revert' back to their former 'selves' when they do. Years ago, DH got a new job away from home during the school year so the DC and I stayed with my parents until term ended. In a very short time I found that my mum and I had started to revert to the relationship we had when I was a child/teen. I started to become a bit lazy and she started picking up after me. She started getting up early with the DC, and I let her. I had to give myself a good shake and say "FGS, start acting like a grown up!". Chances are your SD has also reverted to the way she was when she was younger. It just happens unconsciously. Your SD needs to be reminded that she needs to be a participating member of the household, not her father's child.

Someone up thread said that if you marry someone with children, having them move home is always a possibility. And that children should always come first. I agree. I'd never put a man over my children. Not even my DH, their father. And I'd expect him to feel the same. It's one of the reasons why, if I should ever become single, I would never remarry or cohabit.

@IAskTooManyQuestions Firstly, I have never and would never demand first place in my DH's affections just as he never would me. I would also never come between him and his children - again, just as he never would come between me and mine. I did however expect to be involved in decisions involving our life together.

I am trying to navigate my way through a situation that I'm finding difficult - without hurting those I care about the most.

I love my stepchildren, just as my DH loves my children.

I wouldn't get involved in a family meeting - that's making you out the bad person again. Your husband caused the problem, he has to sort it by himself, and without telling her that it's all your fault.

If I asked one of my parents to move in, I’m sure they would allow it but they would always discuss with the other and I’d have to pay board and they would both be telling me to pick up after myself because the house is both of theirs!!
Fair enough taking on your DSD, but you have just as much right to have a say as you would of it was your child.

You are a parent from the minute your child is born to the moment you die, the responsibility never changes however your circumstances do or the age of your children.

As PP's have said, the responsibility DOES change when your children become adults as parents don't have a responsibility to house, feed, clothe, etc. their adult children. Of course most of us want to support our DC throughout their lives, but once they're adults, they can't just waltz in (with pets) and expect their parents/step-parents to house them and pay all the bills indefinitely.

I'd suggest talking to your DH/SD about her long-term plans. I'm assuming she's been back for a few weeks now, so it would be reasonable to ask what her goals are for the autumn, e.g. is she applying for jobs? As someone pointed out, she's close to 30 and, needs to be taking full control of her life!

My SIL had to live with my PIL for four months while applying for jobs (she was 30). It drove her barmy, she couldn't wait to regain her independence! I expect they felt the same.

I wouldn't get involved in a family meeting - that's making you out the bad person again. Your husband caused the problem, he has to sort it by himself, and without telling her that it's all your fault.

Except that if the OP isn't there she probably WILL get the blame.

In your situ (if I hadn’t left already) I would speak first to dh about this being 6 months max arrangement for her to get her feet back on the ground. Agree some rules for house keeping, cooking, looking for alternatives and work. Then put it to her together as a team. I’m quite sure the sd isn’t expecting to nurse and care for your husband in his old age. You have however married and promised to love and care in sickness and in health. Your feelings should be respected too. We raise our children to be strong independent and to leave. Step children too. Only MN gives halos to step children.

I decide not to have dogs so wouldn't be letting someone suddenly move some in.

In our family family comes first.

What people mean by this is that blood-relatives are more important than people who are merely spouses.

If I were treated as a second-class citizen in my own home by a spouse, that would be time for them and the family they love so much to get the fuck out of my life.

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again". And I'd be thinking what an immature, stroppy person you are!

At which point she says "uhh you've only been married to my father for two years, who the fuck are you to call a 'family meeting'? I'll be living with my FATHER in HIS house for as long as it suits US. I won't be entertaining one of your passive-aggressive little stunts again".

And if the person who you were living with said 'In that case, I will no longer be paying the mortgage on this house, so please make arrangements to either take it on yourself or we will sell up' you'd probably wish you hadn't been such a tool about it.

Temporarily moving in during an emergency situation is fine, no one would want to see their children on the streets. OP is fine with this but it seems to be a permanent set up at this stage, that is not ok especially considering the fact she is living rent free.

Words need to be had. She is 28, not 18.

YANBU. I would also expect to be told what was being planned. Not necessarily to say no but as my husband's wife, I would expect that level of respect and to be able to understand what the longer term plans are, voice any concerns or potential difficulties privately for DH to navigate with his DD.

I don't have step-children but the same would apply to our biological children. I wouldn't expect either of us to make a unilateral decision without discussing it except in a time-critical emergency. Then we would discuss privately and talk to our child to discuss a way forward and expectations. What if your DH had agreed with his DD but simultaneously you were making arrangements with one of your children to move home?

I think you have every right to be upset with your DH over what's happened.