To be upset my SD has moved in without asking me

[Lizzie2a]

I have been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. His 28 year old DD recently made the decision to move back after living and working abroad for 2 years. Without consulting me, my DH agreed to her, plus her dogs, living with us. I was told it was for a couple of weeks, it now appears to be an open ended arrangement.

Whilst she is an amazing person & I love and admire her dearly, my home is no longer my own. I arrive home after a 12 hour day to mess, barking dogs and another person's belongings everywhere. My DH has asked her to tidy up & this now happens but of course now I'm the evil grumpy SM for even mentioning anything.

No rent is being paid and it feels like decisions like trips, meals etc are now made between DH and SD with me as an afterthought. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the lodger in my own home. I don't blame my SD as my DH was the one who decided not to discuss things with me. I am so angry with my DH for agreeing to a situation and making decisions without me. I don't want a bad relationship with my SD & don't want to lose my DH. Help!

After I left home I always treated going to stay with my mother as being her guest, not an entitlement.

And if the person who you were living with said 'In that case, I will no longer be paying the mortgage on this house, so please make arrangements to either take it on yourself or we will sell up' you'd probably wish you hadn't been such a tool about it.

If my DH ever said this to me, I would be gone anyway. Along with every bloody penny I could get in a divorce settlement. Which would be quite a lot!

The Op needs to have a serious conversation about their future with her DH. This lack of respect doesn't bode well.

You aren't a step mum, you are her Dad's wife. She was an adult when your relationship started. She needs to act like an adult. She isn't a child, she isn't much younger than me.

You need to sit and call a house meeting and go through some house rules.
Everyone needs their own space, no crap in communal areas, a chore rota/basic hygeinne expectation and a money chat. She can't be expected to be living with you open ended for free and with no discussion.

Your husband ifs taking the piss expecting this to be acceptable behaviour (both his and his daughter)

At 28, our shared biological dd moving home would be a joint decision between DH and I. Staying with parents at that age is not a default. It’s likely something we would agree to, but it would require negotiations and rules for all parties.

Just done a week away with extended family and we appear to have done more advance discussion than you guys did. YANBU! Have the conversation.