To be upset my SD has moved in without asking me

[Lizzie2a]

I have been with my DH for 5 years, married for 2. His 28 year old DD recently made the decision to move back after living and working abroad for 2 years. Without consulting me, my DH agreed to her, plus her dogs, living with us. I was told it was for a couple of weeks, it now appears to be an open ended arrangement.

Whilst she is an amazing person & I love and admire her dearly, my home is no longer my own. I arrive home after a 12 hour day to mess, barking dogs and another person's belongings everywhere. My DH has asked her to tidy up & this now happens but of course now I'm the evil grumpy SM for even mentioning anything.

No rent is being paid and it feels like decisions like trips, meals etc are now made between DH and SD with me as an afterthought. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the lodger in my own home. I don't blame my SD as my DH was the one who decided not to discuss things with me. I am so angry with my DH for agreeing to a situation and making decisions without me. I don't want a bad relationship with my SD & don't want to lose my DH. Help!

Anotherusefulname
A parent will always be there for their child and I would 100% accept in an urgent or emergency situation kids and step kids turning up.

I don't believe as a parent you should expect to have your adult children or step children move themselves back in for an indefinite period of time whenever they decide they want to.

Would any of you honestly tell your own children they couldn't live with you or give them a time limit to stay. I doubt it.
You would say of course stay with us, stay as long as you need. No adult wants to live with their parents longer than necessary.

She's 28 years old she's not a Child, and with two dogs to boot.. She's been home long enough to find another job and rent somewhere or pay toward the bills, including the feeding of two dogs. Fuck that, I'd be putting my big girl pants on and speaking up Lady. You want your peaceful home back.

She might be your husbands daughter but she is an adult and needs to start acting like one.

I'd expect a sensible adult discussion about the situation and see what support they need to get back on their own two feet. The time frame night vary but I would expect there to be some sort of plan as they are adults.

I wouldn't accept unilaterally moving in for an indefinite period of time, no board, pets, mess etc.

I agree. She should;

1. Find somewhere else for the dogs
2. Have definite plans to find employment
3. Know that in x time she will be expected to pay rent
4. Have plans to move out as soon as she is self-sufficient.

She's 28 years old, with dogs and presumably a job (if not why not?). Not a child!

I wouldn't just accept shitloads of mess, dogs barking all the time and no contribution to the household with good grace and I don't believe many posters would!

As an adult, when you're part of a household you contribute towards that household, both in terms of financially and also not leaving your shit for everyone else to pick up!

Hell my kids have to do the second bit, and they're not adults!

OP YANBU, moving in is one thing, but having no respect for your feelings coming home to a shitpit and barking dogs after a 12 hour day is entirely another.

Her stuff shouldn't be all over the place either and I think she's getting a free ride which would irritate me if I were doing 12 hour shifts!

Lolasmiles
Then I'm glad you're not my mum. In our family family comes first.
My dad has lived with my gran, my brother and his wife (and the dog) have lived with my mum.
My BIL is 50 something and has never left home.
Being a parent isn't something that stops. As housing becomes more expensive different generations of families living together is going to become much more normal.

YANBU. I know my dad’s wife/my stepmum would feel the same. And I don’t blame you or her! Having another adult living in the house changes things. There’s less privacy for you to just go about your business in your own home as you wish, bills go up, and if she’s got dogs then speaking as someone as someone who isn’t that keen on dogs then all I can say is poor you.

Yes, she’s your husband’s daughter. But you and your DH have a life together and once you let her live with you it might be a long road before she moves out again. A week until she finds her own place, ok, not ideal but maybe easy to grit your teeth and bear it. But let’s face it it’s not going to be a week is it.

I say all this as an “adult stepchild”.

My BIL is 50 something and has never left home.

Rent free, no contribution to the household and leaving his stuff for everyone else to trip over/tidy up?

If so, he's taking the piss.

To clarify, DSDs know they could move into our house any time if they chose to.

But I wouldn't have them trashing the place, I wouldn't have that now let alone as adults. They'd be expected to contribute towards housework and boring jobs just like anyone in the house.

Being a SM means accepting that your partner's children could, at any time, move in. That's fairly obvious.

But this pretence that the SM has to suck up whatever behaviour comes with it, from an adult, is ridiculous.

I bet many of the ones saying it's just being a SM wouldn't have it in their own homes.

Your kids are always your kids but what they need from you changes. After a certain point, they need help to become - and stay - independent adults. Emergency help with an action plan for getting back on their feet? Great. But encouraging open-ended dependence is only in the interests of parents who can't let go of being needed.

Also, it's basic courtesy that you need to check with other adults living in the house before moving someone in. If I decided to move back to my mother's house indefinitely and expected her not to check with her DP out of some sense of entitlement and "I was here first", she would - rightly - be absolutely livid with me.

Anotherusefulname
If everyone agrees that living together works for them and there's been a discussion about contributions then that's grand.
That isn't what's happened here though.

I don't think believing is wrong for adult children to expect to turn up, move in indefinitely and not chip in for an open ended amount of time is a sign of being a bad person.

Intheheat has it!

Cantrememberthewords
I cross posted with you.

You've got it right.

The parents I know who are in favour of the open ended dependence are the ones who are overly involved in other areas of life, want to be needed and have trouble cutting the strings. My friend married into a family where it was the norm for everyone to spend all their time at parents house, parents encouraged couples to move back in when baby arrived so they'd have help with childcare (always involved), friend didn't stand a chance moving to the next town with his wife because nobody in her family had moved away. Being across town was already enough to have her parents upset that they never see them.

Yes I would give my DC a time limit to stay if they are 28, unless they were in difficulty.

She’s not a child she doesn’t get to live rent free forever. My mum loves me to bits but she wouldn’t want me to move in without a plan for when I’d leave.

I think @Anotherusefulname that you are talking about a highly personal and unusual situation. It is not ideal for any adult to live off their parents for such an extended length of time.

Surely the job of a parent is to help their children become successful, independent adults. Something has gone wildly wrong if your child is still living off you at the age of 50! They should be starting to take care of you at that point!

I have no issue with multi-generational households. But tearing down the OP for having a different family set up to yours is blinkered and ignorant.

OP- obviously SD should be welcome in her father’s home but as an adult she also needs to contribute in some way, like cooking or cleaning or just picking up after herself. It does her no good to be infantilised. Your DH is doing damage to his relationship with both of you by not setting clear boundaries. I would in no way expect this from my own parents and they are very generous family oriented people.

It depends whose house it is. If its her father's house and has always been her family home then I can see why she's moved back.

Well, you know where you figure with your dh, behind the dogs.
Are you sure you don't want to lose the dh, he sounds awful, what an inconsiderate wanker.
Tell him she has to go, at 28 who wants to be at home with Daddy. Also tell him how hurt you are that he doesn't think you don't deserve being consulted.

I'd be having words with the SD. Tell her you want to know if she's getting any benefits, if not, why not? as she needs to contribute and didn't realise she was there to freeload. Who's paying for the dogs food? Tell her you'd like a meal ready for when you get in and the house to be tidy. Remind her it's your home. Ask her what she's done/is doing to find her own place. Keep on at her. If she doesn't like it, she can sod off somewhere else. Have words with your husband too and ask him how long he thinks this situation is going to go on for.

Being a SM means accepting that your partner's children could, at any time, move in. That's fairly obvious.

Eh, no. Marrying someone who isn't the other parent of your child means entering an equal partnership in which such decisions are joint decisions.

Have you some ‘independent’ friends or relatives you could move in without a discussion? Or perhaps have very noisy sex when she’s there. I can promise you she would be looking for her own place PDQ

My children are still school age. But when they are 28, if they want to move back home for an indefinite period I would very much want to say yes if I possibly could. I do agree your DH should have talked to you first, but I also think that, if I was him, I'd want to say yes however you felt about it. That's just my opinion of course.

How do you think DH would react if it was one of your adult children, OP?

You need to find a happy medium which will satisfy you all while your stepdaughter is with you. I understand perfectly how you feel but it may only take a few words for your husband and your stepdaughter to be able to see the situation as you see it. I hope so.

Also hope she will soon be out of your hair.

Call a family meeting, smiley but firm.

Address the big things: how you love her, how long she’ll be staying (concrete timings), General house rules.

Let them both know family meetings will be weekly from now on...