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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignoring 5 year olds tantrum about wiping her bum

92 replies

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 09:54

My dd is 5 and starts school in 2 weeks. She has been potty trained since around 2. She refuses to wipe her own bum though...
For the past few months I’ve been encouraging her, showing her how to do it, giving her the already ripped off pieces of tissue, but she just refuses and I end up giving in. This morning I was feeding her brother and she shouted down “mummy I’m finished” like normal. I went up and said I’m not doing it today, we’ve gone over this and you have to do it yourself. Well she’s been screaming mummy at the top of her voice on the toilet since 8.50 (it’s now 9.50) I know if give in like normal she will never do it 😫 I honestly feel like crying myself but I’m just fed up of this as she knows exactly how to do it, and she definitely can do it. Aibu to ignore her?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 06/08/2019 09:57

No I would just wipe it. I CBA with these types of battles and I think sitting on the loo crying for 1 hour is very mean Confused

She will do it eventually. It’s hard to reach/wipe at that age isn’t it. They usually don’t do a great job

PotteringAlong · 06/08/2019 10:00

Does she do it herself if you’re not there?

Duchessgummybuns · 06/08/2019 10:00

I would stick to it and make her do it herself or she’s been left to scream for an hour for nothing. Maybe she needs an incentive, like a treat for doing it herself all week?

chocolatemademefat · 06/08/2019 10:01

After an hour I’d just wipe it. Offer her an incentive to do it herself next time. Your head must be banging after an hour long tantrum.

cansu · 06/08/2019 10:01

I would again explain kindly how to do it (demonstrate if necessary) and stay whilst she does it. Later on in a quiet moment when she is calm have another conversation about how this is what little girls have to do for themselves and that you are really proud of her for managing it.

itsabootyhole · 06/08/2019 10:03

My dd is 5 too. When she is home she'll call for me to do it but when she's at school she does it herself because she knows no one else will do it. Honestly if I were you I wouldn't stress about it, she'll do it herself when she knows there's no other option.

Vesperia · 06/08/2019 10:04

crikey - I think your quite lucky she hasn't just pulled up pants on a dirty bottom at this point

Teddybear45 · 06/08/2019 10:05

She’s 5 and should be doing it herself as I presume she does at school. Just leave her there.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 06/08/2019 10:05

I disagree that you should go and wipe it now...what does that teach her other than screaming for an hour gets her what she wants?

I'd be going with bribery...get it done and we'll go to x/y/z place etc.

Fizzypoo · 06/08/2019 10:06

I don't think you should give in now! Next time she'll scream for longer knowing you will give in.

I would say in a nice brisk voice, come on, hurry up and then we can go to the park/play outside/bake/make playdough/have an ice cream ect.

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2019 10:07

I would wipe it she will learn eventually school won't wipe her bum so she will need to do it or leave it but in the end she will be able to clean herself

Excited101 · 06/08/2019 10:07

Absolutely! Don’t give in now- it’s teaching her to tantrum! Stick to your guns, bet she wouldn’t do that with anyone else.

Reallybadidea · 06/08/2019 10:09

Bribery is the answer here. It's what chocolate buttons were invented for.

Original poster
Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 10:11

Finally, after 1hr10 mins she has done it herself. She knows exactly how to do it but is extremely stubborn, an hour long tantrum is fairly normal for her if she doesn’t want to do something/doesn’t get her own way.
I’ve promised her she can pick an LOL doll if she does it herself for the next week.
Honestly need a glass of wine now 😳

OP posts:
81Byerley · 06/08/2019 10:50

Well done! I agree with the people who say you'll prolong the problem if you give in. I think the key to good parenting is consistency. When my eldest two children were little, they always took no for an answer, I think mainly because of a day when they'd asked to go out to play in the garden when it was wet and muddy. I was pregnant, tired, and not in the mood to deal with coats, boots, etc., especially when I thought they'd be asking to come back in again in 5 minutes. I said no, and they accepted that with no argument. That made me feel guilty, so about 10 minutes later, I said "You were so good when I said no, and you didn't argue with me, so now you can go out". That taught them that no means no, but if you accept no, sometimes it can turn into yes!

oriG1Nal · 06/08/2019 11:04

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to do it herself? Friend of mine had the same problem with her son (who does have some SN), eventually turned out he hated the idea that he might touch poo by accident. He was given gloves to use and after that he had no problem wiping himself.

adaline · 06/08/2019 11:08

Well done!

She's 5yo and SN aside, she's more than capable of wiping her own bum - she'll do it herself at school so she certainly doesn't need help doing it at home.

I'm surprised at people saying they'd give in, tbh. No point letting her scream for an hour then caving anyway - what does that teach her other than screaming will get me what I want?

HoppingPavlova · 06/08/2019 11:14

What does she do at school?

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 11:14

I wouldn’t have let her scream for an hour in the first place Hmm

I think things like this can become issues of stubbornness the last thing I would want is a child who becomes anxious to poo and has an issue with being messy and associates doing a poo with being upset. Call me soft, I don’t care. I also agree that they will just wipe when there is no one else to do it, but at home they usually want mum to do it especially when they are 5 and have a small sibling (usually go back to wanting mummy to do things like this because they are progressing sharing mummy and not being a baby anymore) but then we all parent differently and if you don’t mind your child screaming on the loo for over an hour (your poor neighbours!) then go for it

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 11:16

*processing

idril · 06/08/2019 11:16

I wiped my son's bum far past the age when he could do it himself. I couldn't be bothered to fight with him and it was no big deal. I'd rather save my energy for something that I really cared about.

Safe to safe he grew out of it with no lasting effects! You most definitely will not still be wiping her bum forever!

SushiTime · 06/08/2019 11:19

My DS is the same age and always asks me to wipe his bum when he is capable. If he's at my mums or at school he does do it himself but I think he knows I'll probably do a better job.

I always think, if I make things into a huge deal it becomes one.

If he's at school he does it himself, sometimes fine, sometimes not so great. But, he's 5. I personally wouldn't have him getting upset over it.

SushiTime · 06/08/2019 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

likeafishneedsabike · 06/08/2019 11:34

Mine have been reluctant to be one independent bum wipers Grin
I’ve gone with the ‘you have a good go and then I will check’, which means that I give a final wipe. Good for avoiding skiddies on pants TBH.
I try to avoid the battle of wills scenario as they have a lot more energy in reserve than I do Wink

Aprillygirl · 06/08/2019 11:44

I think you were right not to give in OP. Your DD is 5 not 3, and plenty old enough to understand that she won't get her arse wiped for her at school and therefore needs to get the practice in sharpish!