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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignoring 5 year olds tantrum about wiping her bum

92 replies

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 09:54

My dd is 5 and starts school in 2 weeks. She has been potty trained since around 2. She refuses to wipe her own bum though...
For the past few months I’ve been encouraging her, showing her how to do it, giving her the already ripped off pieces of tissue, but she just refuses and I end up giving in. This morning I was feeding her brother and she shouted down “mummy I’m finished” like normal. I went up and said I’m not doing it today, we’ve gone over this and you have to do it yourself. Well she’s been screaming mummy at the top of her voice on the toilet since 8.50 (it’s now 9.50) I know if give in like normal she will never do it 😫 I honestly feel like crying myself but I’m just fed up of this as she knows exactly how to do it, and she definitely can do it. Aibu to ignore her?

OP posts:
TwistyTop · 06/08/2019 11:51

You did the right thing. Now she's starting school it's important that she can do stuff like this for herself.

TheWernethWife · 06/08/2019 11:56

FFS - wiping a 5 year olds bottom for them - madness

jesuschristwtf · 06/08/2019 12:06

1 hour on the toilet? You honestly left her for one hour? Crying on the toilet? My 5 year old does this - she’s afraid she might not clean herself properly, so I let her clean, and then I go over just to reassure her. I’m sorry - but leaving a 5 year old on the toilet crying to me is pretty mean.

notangelinajolie · 06/08/2019 12:14

I'm astounded at the number of mumsnet 5 year olds who can't wipe their own bums. I used to work in a primary school and neither teachers or assistants were needed to help wipe bums. Children of this age are more than capable to wiping bottoms. Giving in to tantrums is such a bad message to be giving to your children - what ever happened to that old parent mantra of 'no means no'?

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 06/08/2019 12:16

My DD is 4 and perfectly capable of wiping her own bottom. I would stick to your guns

Aprillygirl · 06/08/2019 12:20

1 hour on the toilet? You honestly left her for one hour? Crying on the toilet? My 5 year old does this - she’s afraid she might not clean herself properly, so I let her clean, and then I go over just to reassure her. I’m sorry - but leaving a 5 year old on the toilet crying to me is pretty mean.

So I'm guessing, unless your DD is home educated, that you expect the teachers to wipe her and every other child's arses for them whilst they're at school? Confused

Userzzzzz · 06/08/2019 12:23

I’m dreading this. My just turned 3 year old goes to school next September and I’ve been trying to gradually get her to try and wipe after a poo but she doesn’t really want to. It’s the main school readiness thing I’m worried about as she has so far to go to get there.

Aprillygirl · 06/08/2019 12:27

I find it quite sad that so many parents take the easy route of doing everything for their DC, who would be more than capable of doing it themselves if they bothered to teach them. The poor kids will not know what's hit them when they start school! Letting your lazy child cry for a bit is far less cruel than not teaching them independence surely?

ThingInTheAttic · 06/08/2019 12:31

I'm another who'd just do it for her. I couldn't stand all that stress and upset, I always pick my battles carefully, and my DS is 14 now. Totally agree with everything PookieDo said.

If that makes me soft, I don't care, it worked for us. I was the same with toilet-training, I never went through the stress of piles of wet pants every day and battles over the potty because I literally just left him in pull-ups until he was more able to control his bladder and I knew it wouldn't last forever.
Sure enough, at about three and a half one day he just said "mummy, I don't need pull ups any more" and I very casually said "Ok, that's great-want to put some big boy pants on today?" and that was it. Pants and toilet/potty from then on, with a few inevitable accidents- but NO stress!

Each to his/her own but personally I couldn't have left my distressed child for an hour on the loo with a dirty bottom. It's distressing for her, and turns the whole thing into a control issue. If nothing else, I'd have become too upset myself. She'll wipe herself all the time when she's ready and until then it's really not worth make it a battleground.

SushiTime · 06/08/2019 12:42

@notangelinajolie no offence but you also didn't see the skid marks on undies when they came home. Of course my DS can wipe his bum but at 5 can they really do that much to a high standard?

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 12:43

I cannot believe the number of people wiping 5 year olds bums!!!!
Is it not part of toilet training? So basically dealt with at age 2?

And the amount of you that would give in because it's mean to leave her crying.... no-one is making the child cry, she is simply having a tantrum, which is best ignored.

Honestly some of you must produce the most godawful brats.

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 12:46

@Aprillygirl

There are a lot of battles to pick and I personally do not choose to make wiping a bum one of them. I also had no issues with them wiping bums at school because we tried to do it together from potty training, but I appreciated that 5 is a very emotional age when they have a younger sibling and often find that hard too. No I wouldn’t leave a child screaming on the loo and don’t think it is teaching them anything useful really, except that adults expect you to suddenly develop this level emotional intelligence because you are going to school.

You could phrase it that a 5 yo has had her bum wiped every day for 3 years since potty training now mum has suddenly decided that she is impatient with impending school in 2 weeks and DD must suddenly adapt. This is of OP’s own doing!

No one is talking about wiping their bum until they are 6 and not letting them be independent but understanding that emotional intelligence is not gained through sobbing on the loo for an hour Hmm

oreosoreosoreos · 06/08/2019 12:59

My DS is just 6 and has only just started wiping his own bum (he'll call me to check at the end, and I'll do a final swipe). He does have some sensory issues, and was absolutely petrified of getting poo on himself - leaving him to cry for an hour would make no difference whatsoever (other than not being particularly pleasant for anyone involved).

He has managed with school for the past 2 years fine, mainly because he is a very regular poo-er, so rarely poos at school, but on the odd occasion he has it's been a quick swipe and a big skid mark, and then I've cleaned him up properly at home.

Troels · 06/08/2019 13:17

Yay well done sticking it out. Ds did the same at that age, however he must have been a lightweight, he finally did it himself after 30 minutes of shouting I'm done, and me saying then do it yourself I'm not doing it anymore.

hashtagthathappened · 06/08/2019 13:17

Poo troll must think it’s his birthday Hmm

Aprillygirl · 06/08/2019 13:24

*@PookieDo I appreciate that there are battles to pick but I happen to think that making sure your child is 'school ready' is a very important one for the child's own sake.
I do agree though that OP should have started the process years ago rather than months.

BarbariansMum · 06/08/2019 13:26

There are lots of battles to pick and I personally do not choose to make bum wiping one of them

Yes a lot of people think like this ^^. I help with reading in a reception class and every September, regular as clockwork, there are a a whole bunch of children howling on the loos for someone to come and wipe them. Yet another basic life skill that has somehow become the school's problem to deal with.

jesuschristwtf · 06/08/2019 13:37

There is a tantrum - and then there is an hour crying on on the toilet.

No - my daughter is not home schooled and yes, she can wipe herself at school, but when she’s home and she wants a bit of reassurance she’s clean, would you really begrudge me encouraging her to try first and I’ll come help/check? She’s 5. Not 25. Does she always wipe cleanly? Of course not. Would I rather her cry for an hour to teach her the hard way and not give in? No. That’s just me.

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 13:38

@BarbariansMum

But I agree that OP has left this too late. I would help with a bum wipe if my DC asked as it would be likely they needed some help, not because I did it for 3 years every time they asked. No one agrees you should be doing this right up until 2 weeks before school but leaving them to scream isn’t the solution either

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 14:10

Getting them to try first and then helping them to check they're clean is a bit different. However I stand by my point that a NT child should be capable of making sure they're clean before this age. It takes time and patience to teach them to do it properly, and yes, if they've never been taught before then you're going to need to help them at 5.

In terms of 'pick your battles' I think being responsible for your own hygiene and independently using the toilet is a pretty high priority. A lot of self esteem is related to independence.

CottonSock · 06/08/2019 14:15

There is no way I'd leave my dd to cry over this.

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 14:17

I don’t disagree with the concept of hygiene and independence perhaps it would be better to phrase it that no I wouldn’t have just let her scream about it and would have dealt with it differently. One ‘win’ after an hour does not mean this is solved at all

BarbariansMum · 06/08/2019 14:22

What would you have done Cotton?

CottonSock · 06/08/2019 14:33

I'd encourage her, check for her, and be positive about it and tell her if she needed to wipe more. I do have a 5 year old and this thread makes me very sad and it feels abusive.

There is a charity dealing with toilet problems which is useful if this applies to anyone. Advice for starting school linked below.

www.eric.org.uk/blog/preparing-your-child-for-their-big-school-adventure

Withholding poo as they don't want to go at school, are afraid of not being clean, not getting the right help; can lead to long term problems.

Aprillygirl · 06/08/2019 14:39

Helping your young child finish the job (as it were) properly is completely different to having a 5yr old that won't even try fgs! OP's DD is refusing because she is used to it being done for her and is now being lazy and stubborn. OP is right in not letting her 'win' this battle, though if she'd have taught her 2 years ago she wouldn't be in the mess (as it were) she is in now.

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