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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ignoring 5 year olds tantrum about wiping her bum

92 replies

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 09:54

My dd is 5 and starts school in 2 weeks. She has been potty trained since around 2. She refuses to wipe her own bum though...
For the past few months I’ve been encouraging her, showing her how to do it, giving her the already ripped off pieces of tissue, but she just refuses and I end up giving in. This morning I was feeding her brother and she shouted down “mummy I’m finished” like normal. I went up and said I’m not doing it today, we’ve gone over this and you have to do it yourself. Well she’s been screaming mummy at the top of her voice on the toilet since 8.50 (it’s now 9.50) I know if give in like normal she will never do it 😫 I honestly feel like crying myself but I’m just fed up of this as she knows exactly how to do it, and she definitely can do it. Aibu to ignore her?

OP posts:

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 14:43

Wow @CottonSock you are massively out of order for suggesting that the op is abusive! And there is absolutely no suggestion that the child has any toileting issues, none at all.

SushiTime · 06/08/2019 14:58

@Aprillygirl it's tough though because it can lead to fear of wanting to poo as she's obviously really not happy about wiping yet. Maybe she's not confident, scared of getting poop on her hand or whatever...an hour of being upset is surely not going to help things. I like the OPs promise of an LOL doll next week if she can wipe.

Personally I'd start by I'm only helping so I'll do the first one then you can try..small steps.

But honestly, what the hell do I know. I'll get shot down for this

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 15:16

This is the issue when you leave things too late, now it’s a rush and a battle

You need to do a lot more work on incentives like sticker charts and rewards rather than just screaming it out. Your sudden panic about this should not be her sudden panic about this

I hope this makes sense

CottonSock · 06/08/2019 15:51

@Wellmet, can you not accept that maybe I do know a little about this topic! Op asks if AIBU, and I've made my view clear- yes.

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 17:00

@cottonsocks I don't care what you know about the topic, you are in no position to say someone is abusive for ignoring a tantrum. You can disagree without being so vile.

CottonSock · 06/08/2019 19:09

And you can disagree with me without calling me names ffs. I can't be the only one who thinks ignoring a screaming child for an hour who wants help is not a nice thing.

Wellmet · 06/08/2019 20:02

I'm sorry, what name did I call you?

pinkstripeycat · 06/08/2019 20:06

Reallybadidea

Bribery is the answer here. It's what chocolate buttons were invented for.

You are SO right! Wish you were my mum lol

Original poster

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 20:40

She doesn’t start school until later this month - up until now it really didn’t bother me having to do it as she always did it at home and I guess it was just easier at the time. At school she HAS be able to do it herself, I refuse to send a child to school not being able to clean themselves (I think this is much more damaging in terms of the fact she would feel so uncomfortable and stressed at school, than an hour tantrum on our toilet while I was outside the door) so it’s now got to the stage where there wasn’t really much option for me than to leave her to eventually do it herself, even if it did involve a bloody long tantrum.
FWIW, my eldest is a year older and he was able to wipe himself around 3.5/4 much before the age she is.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 20:46

Also to add, I have been encouraging her/showing her how to properly clean herself/trying to get her to do it then me check her, for at least the last 6 months.
I expected people to say I was being unreasonable re ignoring her tantrum, but to use the word abusive! I’m quite shocked. It’s not really a word to be used so flippantly.

OP posts:

woodhill · 06/08/2019 20:50

I think you are fine. Your dd will get over it and hopefully become less reliant on you.

NavyBlueHue · 06/08/2019 20:54

I’d have done the same OP. She’s plenty old enough. You’ve supported her and taught her and throwing a tantrum for an hour should never get a child what they want. It was absolutely not abusive.

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 20:58

I don’t think it’s abusive

But it is unreasonable for a 5yo to suddenly have to do this in 2 weeks as you stated in your op originally. You need to go about this with praise and bribery.

You are supposed to build up to this from potty training not decide 2 weeks before school starts that it has to happen when you have been doing it this entire time. I would help a child who was having some issues (maybe a bad tummy) or help and supervise until they felt fully confident, but this has dragged on too long. No I don’t think it’s a good tactic to let her scream it out either, it doesn’t mean she has suddenly learnt how to do it and you can end up with a child too afraid to poo at school or one who has a tantrum about it. You need a proper big girl strategy

Absofrigginlootly · 06/08/2019 21:02

reception class and every September, regular as clockwork, there are a a whole bunch of children howling on the loos for someone to come and wipe them. Yet another basic life skill that has somehow become the school's problem to deal with.

Every year a whole bunch??!

Makes you think that maybe, just maybe it’s because we start school WAY too young in the uk and many 4/5 year olds are not ready!

Original poster

Hannahlouise4026 · 06/08/2019 21:13

**You are supposed to build up to this from potty training not decide 2 weeks before school starts that it has to happen when you have been doing it this entire time.

But I haven’t just decided 2 weeks before, as I said this has gone on for months - months of encouraging, showing her how to, guiding her with my hand to show her, letting her do it and then checking her to make sure. None of it has worked to solve the fact she won’t do it! She’s clearly perfectly capable, evident by today as no pant skids 🙈
I agree I should have started to show her after potty training but I guess I just took the easy option and hoped, like her big brother, she would eventually just manage herself. I guess life gets in the way, and her starting school has really just crept up on me.
Thank you for the constructive feedback though 😊

OP posts:

PookieDo · 06/08/2019 21:18

But it’s clearly just been all for show for her, as you always give in. And like you say it’s crept up

Go straight to a reward chart, make it positive

NoKnit · 06/08/2019 21:26

I really honestly cannot believe that people leave their children crying on the toilet for an hour. Just wipe it. School is a different setting she probably is capable of doing it herself and will do in school but honestly a little girl wanted her Mum and she just left her to cry for an hour I think that's really sad

BarbariansMum · 06/08/2019 21:28

Yes @Absofrigginlootly. A whole bunch. Every year.

School is just this summer spending 30k to move reception classrooms and build them their own toilets (rather than sharing with Y1s and 2s) so there can be proper toileting help and supervision.

greenwaterbottle · 06/08/2019 21:29

Well done. Sometimes you have to draw the line!

abombinitaly · 06/08/2019 21:31

A teacher friend told me once a reception kid popped his head around the toilet door and shouted "who wipes arses around here?" She replied "Give me a wave" and when the kid waved she said "that's who"

Absofrigginlootly · 06/08/2019 22:00

Yes that was my point. If it’s a whole bunch, every year then it’s clearly not just feckless parents who think it’s the schools job to teach their kids toileting skills.... when the more obvious explanation is that it’s developmentally inappropriate for a lot of 4-5 year olds!! The UK has one of the youngest school starting ages in the world!!

SushiTime · 06/08/2019 22:24

@Absofrigginlootly 👏 we expect so much of little ones! It's really tough, my friends little one is starting reception in sept and she's diddy, luckily the school we chose would never expect anything, they're helped with their struggles and if wiping is one of these I'm certain the teachers would be understanding enough to help and encourage.

woodhill · 06/08/2019 22:29

I think we expect too much of the teachers as well.

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 22:29

She's been screaming for a whole hour? I'd leave her for 5 hours if she was my daughter. She's going to school on her own and she simply cannot be allowed to go around in a disgusting state all day. She's quite old enough and if my son st that age had screamed for an hour he'd be looking at a significant loss of privI ledges. Ridiculous carry on.

frogsoup · 06/08/2019 22:34

People make such heavy work of parenting!! She's 5. You won't be wiping her bum at 12. My littlest does it herself if we insist but tbh doesn't do a good job so I help out when she asks. She doesn't ask at school!!! An hour stand-off about something like that is a pointless power play and a bad dynamic to set up for the future. I don't give in on essentials, but jeez, pick your battles!

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