Ignoring 5 year olds tantrum about wiping her bum

[Hannahlouise4026]

My dd is 5 and starts school in 2 weeks. She has been potty trained since around 2. She refuses to wipe her own bum though...
For the past few months I’ve been encouraging her, showing her how to do it, giving her the already ripped off pieces of tissue, but she just refuses and I end up giving in. This morning I was feeding her brother and she shouted down “mummy I’m finished” like normal. I went up and said I’m not doing it today, we’ve gone over this and you have to do it yourself. Well she’s been screaming mummy at the top of her voice on the toilet since 8.50 (it’s now 9.50) I know if give in like normal she will never do it 😫 I honestly feel like crying myself but I’m just fed up of this as she knows exactly how to do it, and she definitely can do it. Aibu to ignore her?

**BarbariansMum
Yes a lot of people think like this ^^. I help with reading in a reception class and every September, regular as clockwork, there are a a whole bunch of children howling on the loos for someone to come and wipe them. Yet another basic life skill that has somehow become the school's problem to deal with.

Please tell me you’re not serious??

What BarbariansMum said.

My best friend is a reception teacher and every single year kids arrive in her class and expect to get their bums wiped for them because their parents always do it for them at home. I was really shocked when she told me this and said 'But what do their parents say about it?' and she said 'Some parents are annoyed that we won't wipe their kids' arses because they think it's a teacher's job to do that, and some of them are mortified because they just assumed that their child would wipe their own bum at school, even though they don't have to do it at home.'

So, people saying 'Oh, just carry on doing it for her! Even if she doesn't do it at home, she'll do it at school' are not necessarily correct. Apparently plenty of kids throw massive screaming tantrums on the loo at school, too.

When I worked in an after school club for 4-11 year olds I had parents annoyed we wouldn’t wipe a child after. And one who askedif we did nappies, for a 4 year old no SEN issues.
We are not allowed to do that. And even some of the 6 year olds didn’t know how to.

Just wipe it. School is a different setting she probably is capable of doing it herself and will do in school but honestly a little girl wanted her Mum and she just left her to cry for an hour I think that's really sad

So, essentially you are saying the child CAN do it but just doesn’t WANT to do it and that’s perfectly okay. So, a child that can do it but has a preference not to perform a not so great and unpleasant chore learns quick smart that if they chuck a cracking tantrum it will get them out of it.

When we were that age a shitty bum would have been the least of our worries. If we carried on like that a bloody sore bum would have been the worry. Needless to say when we all started school at 4/5yo we wiped our own arses at school and home (barring SN of course).

Bloody hell, regardless of whether you’d wipe her bum or not, they way some people talk about children on this thread is vile. “I’d let her sit in it”, “I’d let her rot on the pan”, “I’d leave her for 5 hours if she was mine” really harsh language to use about a 5 year old with a new sibling who wants help from her mum.

There are lots of ways to help children learn without being hard or harsh, and ways to help them learn without being soft and ineffective but you’d think offering the little girl an ounce of care equates to she’ll never learn.

And if I thought for a second my child’s teacher purposely made her “sit in it” all day, there would be hell to pay, shaming and abusive behaviour. I’m not saying the teacher should have to wipe them but to leave a child to literally sit in shit is terrible.

Have you explained the consequences of leaving your bottom all dirty? Itching, bad smells, other children not wanting to play with you..

I find/found that these issues were more easily solved with reasoning rather than mummy vs child stand-offs.

I also offered wet toilet wipes and showed my son how to use the bidet. He hates smells and itching so he was pretty motivated.

But I sympathise, we spent 3 months watching "Poo goes to Pooland" trying to get him to poo in the loo instead of his nappy. He was terrified to let go for some reason despite happily weeing

I have a just turned five year old who has already been in reception a year. At home she still pleads for us to do it. At school she deals with it herself (badly).

I agree with the poster who said many 4/5 year olds are not ready for school. She has found the whole year a struggle, tbh. Toileting is just one aspect of that.

Tbh though there aren't many SEN kids that can't atleast attempt to wipe their own bum (physical disabilities aside) without perseverance and alot of teaching. My kid can't get himself dressed but he can sure as heck wipe his own backside.

This is the thing - she’s been dressing herself since age 2, she’s probably above average in terms of ability in most areas. Bum wiping clearly isn’t one of them!

Gosh I'm amazed at the number of people who seem feel that teachers should wipe bums of nt kids in school who cant or
Won't manage it themselves..

'They'd be hell to pay' . Surely the solution is to teach kids properly and if they do have skid marks which I'm sure loads do than so be or do you want them the teacher to inspect all the bums to ensure It's done perfectly..
All seems a bit bonkers to me

I think you were right not to give in. I’ve had 45min stand offs with my DD over certain things. Giving in is like going back to square one. However maybe now the dust has settled you could tell her how it’s going to be from now on and that she will be required to try and then you’ll check?
Mine is 4.5 and for some time we have had the reluctance to even try to wipe.
Some time ago we started talking about things that will be expected at school and making the point that she will have to wipe her own bum or you could get poo in your pants or a sore bum. I told her she must have a go at three wipes on her own and I went on and on and ON. It’s been months of stand offs, tantrums etc...she can try she just doesn’t want to. That’s all. I’m not expecting anywhere near perfection but not to try is unacceptable.
Anyway just recently she has been trying and is now parroting back to me that she must do three wipes. So she has done really well.
They will defo have a skid mark. DH has a skid mark 🙈

Thank you for having this battle now.
As some one who spends the school year with year 1’s the amount of kids who can’t wipe is awful.
Occasional accidents are dealt with without a second thought but the children who have hands down pants (front and back) in discomfort from not cleaning up properly after toileting is sad.
Constant gentle quiet “sally just pop and give your hands a wash” or “ are you uncomfortable do you need to pop back to the toilet?”

I was that child yelling on the toilet still at age 6 until one day my mum did the same but I was there a whole lot longer than your DD! It worked though and I did it in the end and at the ripe old age of 36 now I can say it had no lasting effects on me.

If I'm not around, my 6yo wipes himself. Even at nursery he wouldn't let the ladies help him past age 3/4.

He is absolutely fucking terrible at it. So ends up with a red raw bum... which means that he gets scared of toilet... so becomes constipated... which hurts more... ugh. So I "check" when he is with me, and continue to coach him. Reading age: 16 years old. Bum wiping age: 2 years old. Just one of those things, and not for want of trying.

To me, the requirement is that you need to stop "checking" when they can do a good job of it - otherwise other health issues crop up. This means they need practice, instruction, support, patience, etc.

Leaving a child screaming on the toilet isn't the best way to do that. Confidence, competence and security should come before demands for independence.

My daughter (just turned 4, starting school in September) went through a spell of this recently, completely out of nowhere.

I think she was feeling overwhelmed about nursery finishing and possibly being over praised for sorting herself out when there. There was a lot of “I’m not a big girl yet, I can’t do it” and tears.

I stood my ground with it but would do things like tell her I’d wipe first and then she would wipe, then I was just checking she’d wiped ok. As suddenly as she started claiming to not be able to wipe herself, she stopped. It’s like the phase never happened now.

It is unspeakably frustrating but I think gritting your teeth and being patient and encouraging is the way forward. I don’t think people saying “leave her rot/for 5 hours” etc are helpful, kind or correct in their approach.