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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you've sacrificed in your relationship?

88 replies

djsosn · 05/08/2019 21:34

I think all relationships have sacrifices if we think heard enough, but some are bigger than others.

When it comes to my marriage I've sacrificed holidays - my husband hates going anywhere which means we haven't been away together in 7 years and counting. It used to bother me but now I'm not too fussed about it - but I still wouldn't say no to a trip away!

OP posts:
ProfessorofPerspective · 06/08/2019 00:57

Chilli as DH is allergic to kidney beans. I could make it myself, of course, but he does most of the cooking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/08/2019 00:59

I emigrated for him so I gave up a job I loved, my country, my family close, lots of friends, my lovely flat.

All worth it.

alltoomuchrightnow · 06/08/2019 01:00

Sex - full stop
The possibility of adopting

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2019 01:22

A tidy home, DH isn't a slob but doesn't have an 'eye' for what belongs where. He'll put a tool on the dining room table or a pile of magazines on the floor by his chair and they'll just stay there 'because I know where it is that way'. He doesn't understand that things have their proper place and that you can go and get them then put them back. But more, a quiet home. DH is just a loud person, not shouty just loud tone of voice, heavy feet, and a constant need for background noise (ie the telly always on).

BritWifeinUSA · 06/08/2019 02:06

I wouldn’t call it a “sacrifice” but I left a life I lived in England to move here to the United States because my American husband was denied a visa for the UK. Likely we will have to stay here for the rest of our lives. I do enjoy living here. But my oh my do I miss a good bit of banter and a decent sausage roll.

BusterGonad · 06/08/2019 03:57

I feel like I've sacrificed a lot, I don't really feel like me anymore, but that could also be because I'm now a parent, I'm now living abroad, no job, not many friends, all our money goes on traveling (which I enjoy, I just wish there was more left over to actually enjoy when we aren't traveling) I get overwhelmed by it all sometimes and feel if I didn't have to please everyone else all the time then I'd be happier.

Greeve · 06/08/2019 06:30

Nothing. You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything for a relationship. Compromise yes. Sacrifice no. Nobody likes a martyr.

Countrybumpkin00 · 06/08/2019 06:37

A good sex life. My husband is amazing but due to health issues can no longer Dtd. But he’s a lovely person and such a dedicated dad.

Swedetalker · 06/08/2019 06:38

Another who emigrated for love, so I gave up a lot. My job, my home, my family and friends, most of my belongings, I dont know the language here well enough to get a job so I've sacrificed the freedom of having a job and my own money and independence (for now). Hes made compromises and sacrifices too, and I hope he would agree that it's worth it!

Vanillelle · 06/08/2019 09:35

Nothing. You shouldn't have to sacrifice anything for a relationship. Compromise yes. Sacrifice no. Nobody likes a martyr.

What's the difference between a compromise and a sacrifice?

A compromise means both parties giving something up for the sake of reaching an agreement. I don't really see how that isn't a sacrifice.

BusterGonad · 06/08/2019 16:35

Agreed @Vanillelle

Waxonwaxoff0 · 06/08/2019 16:45

Do any of you feel resentful about the sacrifices you've had to make?

Just wondering as I'm long term single (5 years plus) and reading this thread makes me think gosh I would never sacrifice some of the things you all have. But maybe that's just because I'm so used to doing my own thing now. Holidays and travel are too important to me, and no way would I ever emigrate and leave all my family and friends for one person! I think I'd end up feeling resentful.

W1nnerW2nner · 06/08/2019 16:52

No sacrifices
I've gained
Why don't you travel alone or join a group & travel ?

I do know some other people who have sacrificed things for their relationships

pallisers · 06/08/2019 16:55

living in my home country. It was and is a huge sacrifice. It wasn't a compromise. He wanted to live in country A. I wanted to live in Country B. We are in Country A. the only one compromising was me and I wouldn't be impressed with anyone denying what actually happened or telling me I was being a martyr for doing it. It was well worth it though.

I feel like I've given up far more of myself for my children though. My dh makes me feel more like myself-or the best version of myself.

growlingbear · 06/08/2019 16:57

A lively social life as a couple. DH is very shy and socially clunky. He can't read the mood of a room and tailor his behaviour to it. As a result, social invitations for us as a couple dried up very quickly when we moved to a new area. I go out with mates but I'd love to be invited out more often with him too. I wish he knew how to seem interested in other people but he just doesn't.

Spontaneity. I love change. He hates it. He needs five years warning before anything big happens, such as a holiday anywhere other than Wales, a potential house move etc. Now I know that I work on it in advance and start discussing things I'd like to do as soon as possible so I know we can do them in five years time. We get to do things, just not spontaneously!

notenoughginleft · 06/08/2019 17:01

Marriage... I've been married once and would again. I love dp with everything but he doesn't ever want to get married. It's not a deal breaker luckily.

Wearing shortish dresses/skirts. He likes me to look 'sophisticated' 🤣

scaryteacher · 06/08/2019 17:03

My job, as I resigned to move abroad with dh, so my final salary pension took a hit; holidays, as he prefers to spend leave pursuing his hobby, which isn't a family friendly or spectator sport, unless you partake in it.

Nottobesoldseparately · 06/08/2019 17:06

Children.
I knew when I married him we would struggle due to his fertility problems, but I was prepared to take the risk.

The gamble didn't pay off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/08/2019 17:10

Nottobesoldseparately Flowers

The chance to have decent in laws. Having my children with someone who was also doing it for the first time. Being able to live somewhere else.

Worth it. But I have days when I want us to run away to the seaside and not come back.

Purplequalitystreet · 06/08/2019 17:51

I left the city where I'd lived for 12 years, so that we could live closer to his family. It's only 40 miles away but I kept the same job, so I now have a 90 min commute. Now that I'm pregnant it's likely that I'll have to switch jobs when I finish maternity leave because babies and long commutes don't mix.

Totally worth it. I've gained so much.

easyandy101 · 06/08/2019 17:57

I wanted to move to Australia but my partner wasn't keen

She's actually keen now but circumstances aren't what they were and we probably can't do it easily now

But otherwise nothing really

lazylinguist · 06/08/2019 17:58

I honestly can't think of anything actually. Any of the sacrifices I've made have been as a result of having dc, not as a result of being with dh.

Cantdoright1 · 06/08/2019 17:59

Children. My husband has fertility issues. I wanted 4 kids. We managed 2 kids after 8 years of IVF. It was horrific. I still wish i could have more but im too old now.

Lndnmummy · 06/08/2019 18:01

Me, I gave up on myself. When we met I was the ambitious higher earner and now I’m an exhausted mother of two with no time to look after myself or my mental health.

I love him dearly and the beautiful family that we have, but I alone have paid an enormous price for that. If I could go back I would

boymum9 · 06/08/2019 18:11

Myself, a career, a sense of worth. We're separated now, we had good times and mainly a good relationship but butted heads like nothing else, I don't think he meant to but he made me feel like a useless human..! In a discussion the other day he said (not rudely, but in a way he truly believed) that I don't do much really as a sahm to 2 under 4 (I also spent 10 years together travelling around the county and world to follow his career every year so could never have a career)