I think my dd is transgender

[Spooksandchocolatecake]

I know this isn't aibu but I didn't know where to put this.

My dd is 15 in November and to put it bluntly has a lot of issues (ASD,Anorexia,Anxiety etc to name the most prominent and isn't in school currently).She has always been a tomboy to the extreme,doesn't own anything remotely girly ,has always found boys easier to communicate with than girls,and used to say she was a boy and asked when we'd take her back to the hospital to change her name.

She's just cut all her hair off and 2 years ago brought a binder because she 'hated herself but wouldn't go into anymore detail.I checked her phone (which she doesn't know about) and she'd written in notes I need to tell them before it's to late...

What should I do?

In the past I've asked up front and she just clamped up.

I would say you just keep on keeping on. You can't make her be, or not be, anything. All you can do is support her in whatever way you can. Don't bring up that she might be transgender, wait for her to find her own words for who she is.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3648668-I-am-a-gender-critical-psychiatrist-AMA

No advice OP but this thread may be useful to you.

She has always been a tomboy to the extreme,doesn't own anything remotely girly ,has always found boys easier to communicate with than girls,and used to say she was a boy and asked when we'd take her back to the hospital to change her name.

I have ASD and tbh that all sounds perfectly normal to me.

I'm totally aware that you may not want to do this because of the terrible reputation it has, but try posting this in Feminist chat, the women there are NOT transphobic and have a wealth of knowledge of the right resources to steer you towards the help you need.

You can't make her be, or not be, anything perhaps parental influence is limited. But social contagion is real and detransitioners talk about the influence the internet, and sometimes, older trans people, have on them.

So gender non conforming DC can be made trans, who wouldn't have been in different circumstances.

If my child thought they were trans, I'd be doing everything I could to support them through the next few years so they have a chance to grow out of it. (Puberty is the "cure" for trans, for the vast majority of teen trans kids).

Spooksandchocolatecake I've read detransitioners talk about what pulled them out of the trans bubble (as well as growing up generally) was reconnecting with the outside world, not being in that bubble all the time. Does your DD spend a lot of time online? Is there anything she enjoys in real life, that you might be able to encourage her doing, to keep her with at least one foot in the real world?

Don't force her to say she's trans, as that makes it harder for her to backtrack.

If it was my DD, I'd be ringing up my butch lesbian mates I haven't seen in a while (as we moved) and asking if we could spend some time together, to make sure my DD has some positive lesbian role models in her life, in case the issue is that she's struggling with her sexuality in a homophobic world.

Don't, whatever you do, invite Mermaids into your life (that's a fast track to medical transition) or let her see any therapist who believes in affirmation.

Are you aware that binders cause health problems btw?

You hsve described a girl with asd not someone who is transgender. Support your daughter to knowshe can be whoever she wants to be , dress how she wants , hsve whatever hobbies she wants etc as a female.
Do not under any circumstances contact mermaids!

With ASD and mental health issues she is likely to be susceptible to transactivists but do you really want her to go down a path of drugs, surgery and sterilisation? I would try and protect her from that ideology as much as possible and make it clear male or female is biology and immutable but it does not affect personality or who you love.

I would just start a conversation with her - about how she feels and what you can do to ensure she feels secure and happy. The subject might come up - but before it does I think you need to consider what your own reaction would be if she brings it up and how that will affect her.

I would talk with her as much as you can about what she wants from life - things she wants to do, to experience, see, try, achieve. Places to go, courses to sign up for etc. Coax her to see her present and future life as rich and varied, so that her identity isn't all locked into gender.

Help her to understand you love her and will always love her for who she is, not how she looks. And help her understand she will still be the same person inside, whatever her exterior body looks like, so if she's unhappy, she needs to deal with unhappiness and explore all the causes of it, not focus on one.

Show her all the ways in which a woman can express herself stylistically. Someone like Christine from Christine & the Queens is a great role model for tomboys. Discuss woman you see in the street with cropped hair or sporty clothes and reassure her that the look she chooses is acceptable as it is. Lots of women share it, even if the girls at school don't.

For those new to this debate who wonder why I would be discouraging my DD from being trans:

There has been a 4,000% rise in teenage girls being referred to the Tavistock (gender clinic) in the UK

Many professionals suspect there is social contagion going on
There is a strong political lobby that demands that trans kids (even as young at 3) should be allowed to transition, based on what gender they say they are

Almost 100% of kids put on blockers go on to take cross sex hormones. (So for girls, this means deeper voice, facial hair, masculinised features, double mastectomy eventual prolapse of the womb, meaning a hysterectomy may be necessary in their early 20s)

However, left to their own devices, 80% of kids grow out of being trans

Clinicians are whistleblowing about this at the moment, several have resigned as they're horrified at what's being done to kids, with no evidence base that this is the right path, and at the suppression of debate.

Over a third of children presenting at the Tavistock are autistic or have autistic traits. There is NO evidence that this is because more autistic people are really trans. Many experts and parents are worried that this is because autistic kids are being incorrectly diagnosed as trans.

Alfie Thomas is a very articulate autistic and detransitioned young women. If my DD actually said she was trans, then I'd show her this.

Get her off the internet/social media

Check out transgender trend for helpful support

Take away her binder as it’s harmful

But social contagion is real and detransitioners talk about the influence the internet, and sometimes, older trans people, have on them.

OP, read this blog, it seems to have some striking similarities to your daughter: www.ihmistenkirjo.net/blog/tonje

As pp, don't put the idea into her head, just actively support her being a girl in this world, whatever path she chooses to take - masculine presenting, lesbian, even just "a phase". Don't let her get sucked into the world of make-believe "you can change sex" or any sort of "glitter family".

Being a tomboy doesn't mean she wants to have a penis, sorry.

It means she is a female who happens to like things currently associated with ridiculous gender norms.

Gender is often different in autistic people.
Just because she rejects femininity doesnt make her a man. Just leave her be. Introduce her to more women who aren't stereotypically feminine, so she knows that you don't have to be a certain way or dress a certain way to be a woman

The best advice I will offer is don't take too much advice from internet forums when it comes to trans issues, this one included. Talk to a professional.
Hope all goes well for you and your daughter, you sound like a good mum.

The best advice I will offer is don't take too much advice from internet forums when it comes to trans issues, this one included. Talk to a professional.

I'm sorry but this is terrible advice, on this issue, as this subject has been so highly politicised.

Professionals (including one director of 40 years experience) are quitting GIDS / the Tavistock in protest at the care provided to gender non-conforming children. Political lobbyists have managed to create a climate where anything other than putting children on the path to transition is seen as transphobia (even when the child has several other issues as the OPs DD does).

Please read this thread from a professional (also lined above) which includes her total lack of faith in the supposed experts on this subject.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3648668-I-am-a-gender-critical-psychiatrist-AMA

She doesn't have any social media or internet at all since she's stopped going to school.When starting puberty she completely shut down and removed herself from this world...She wouldn't talk, leave the house,leave her bed so her getting a binder was a new life sort of so I'm not going to take it away.Also I doubt I would be able to anyway.

Could it be to do with her lack of control over her changing body? What you've described is anorexia, binder, wanting to retain "boyish" figure of youth coupled with ASD to me points in other directions to trans. But that is purely from an armchair psychologist perspective, I have no experience but I think you've been given some good resources here for people who do.

Spooksandchocolatecake are you aware of the health risks of binding?

www.transgendertrend.com/breast-binding-sexual-objectification-grooming/

I have adhd and my dd has asd and adhd. Growing up I felt more like a boy. In the way that I preferred things commonly associated with being a boy. Identity is very confusing I’ve found when you’re neurodiverse.

I have ASD.

Also very ‘tomboy’ as it was labelled then.

Also always connected better with boys than girls.

Never identified with my v feminine name, still don’t tbh.

Sexually attracted to ‘arty’ boys for want of a better word, and women.

Only ever wanted a penis when queuing for loos though.

Wish I’d had strong bi/lesbian role models.

Please look into the dangers of binders.

I’ve got my own kid with ASD and her own issues and we have had to make all sorts of compromises. (An example, she desperately needs glasses and is not wearing glasses because she just can’t handle it right now.). A binder is one that I would have to take a hard line on.

As for your dd, she needs therapy. Preferably a therapist who will focus on her processing her emotions instead of just looking for a fix. We recently started CBT for my dd and I’m now even more convinced it is the right approach for her.

Lily Maynard's teenage daughter wanted to transition. Her account is very much worth a read:
4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mums-voyage-through-transtopia-helps-her-daughter-desist/