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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my dd is transgender

84 replies

Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/08/2019 20:31

I know this isn't aibu but I didn't know where to put this.

My dd is 15 in November and to put it bluntly has a lot of issues (ASD,Anorexia,Anxiety etc to name the most prominent and isn't in school currently).She has always been a tomboy to the extreme,doesn't own anything remotely girly ,has always found boys easier to communicate with than girls,and used to say she was a boy and asked when we'd take her back to the hospital to change her name.

She's just cut all her hair off and 2 years ago brought a binder because she 'hated herself but wouldn't go into anymore detail.I checked her phone (which she doesn't know about) and she'd written in notes I need to tell them before it's to late...

What should I do?

In the past I've asked up front and she just clamped up.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 05/08/2019 22:06

So sorry for you. Agree it sounds more ASD than anything else. Unfortunately being 'trans' is all the rage. So awful.
Hope you can get the support you need.

SerenaOverjoyed · 05/08/2019 22:08

Just listen to her and be there for her, validate choices she makes without suggesting reasons why she may have made them.

She could be transgender but there could also be a multitude of other reasons for this. She needs to discover her identity for herself without suggestions being made.

LizzieSiddal · 05/08/2019 22:11

The “too late” note she made, may refer to her wanting to tell you she isn’t actually trans, “before it’s too late” ie before she goes down the road to transing.
She may want to stop this whole thing, but isn’t sure how to.

escapade1234 · 05/08/2019 22:17

Does your DD have a vagina? She is female. End of. She can be a “tomboy”, she can hate dresses and heels, she can love monster trucks and dungarees, it’s all fine.

She’s just a female who likes or dislikes those things.

Boys and girls can like or love whatever and whomever they want. It doesn’t mean they are supposed to be the other sex.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/08/2019 22:23

Unfortunately, there is scaremongering, ideology, malice, superstition and bullshit from both camps with regard to gender identity.
What support is your child getting at the moment, OP (WRT to the anxiety etc).?

Original poster

Spooksandchocolatecake · 05/08/2019 22:29

@reanimatedSGB lots of camhs input has had dbt and CBT is currently signed off because she is to unwell to attend.Has been sectioned 3 times and is still in day hospital atm and she has a tutor that comes in

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 05/08/2019 22:32

Poor kid. I am not qualified to offer much advice other than keep listening and reassuring that you are there and that your love is unconditional.

Echobelly · 05/08/2019 22:42

Gotta say, if she does think she is trans it sounds an awful lot like she might be hoping this is the miraculous solution to all her difficulties. And it won't be.

manicinsomniac · 05/08/2019 22:49

A lot of people have talked about how her ASD is more likely to explain her symptoms/struggles than her being transgender but so is her having anorexia. Anorectics often hate their breasts and hips and will try to starve them away, bind them or, in extreme cases, mutilate them. That's not because of wanting to be a boy, it's because of a hatred of that extra weight or (if the individual has been abused) a fear of being sexually attractive.

I've often fantasised about cutting mine off (never been ill enough to attempt it, thank God). I don't want to be a man - I just hate the extra, fatty weight of them.

Your daughter obviously has a huge amount to deal with - but transgender doesn't necessarily have to be another thing she's going to have to face.

Birdsfoottrefoil · 05/08/2019 22:50

Binders might feel ‘correct’ to her not because they crush developing breasts but because they provide deep pressure. Many children with ASD crave the sensory input/deep pressure provided from being squeezed. She may therefore be interpreting the relief she feels from wearing one incorrectly.

VenusTiger · 05/08/2019 22:52

Wow @itsnotawatercat - thanks for sharing that information, I found it very interesting!

VenusTiger · 05/08/2019 22:53

@Spooksandchocolatecake has your DD got a weighted blanket?

Vanillelle · 05/08/2019 22:55

I think she needs time and space to work out how she feels. I think if you try and force a conversation, she may feel she has to decide one way or the other before she is ready.

I think all you can do is wait for her to talk to you on her own terms and remind her that you love her, that you will always love her, and that you support her. Give her the space to explore how she feels in a safe way without fear of reprisal or judgment.

Lots of children feel pushed into calling themselves trans because their feelings about their gender are challenged by concerned parents. They then feel that the only way to protect how they feel is to say they are trans. If that is premature, they then face the hardship of detransitioning.

Being there for your daughter with love and encouragement will give her the confidence to explore her feelings in a safe space. She may be trans - if so, I hope you will still love her with your whole heart. But give her the space to explore without having to put a label on herself if that's what she needs. She may just be working out how to be a tomboy, or masculine presenting, or any number of alternatives to being trans.

FairyFlake45 · 05/08/2019 23:09

Because you state she has ASD, I’d say ‘please don’t jump to any conclusions that she’s transgender’.
From my experience, and I’m no expert, Autism and gender/sexuality fluidity is common. I don’t want to give too many details as my daughter values her privacy but as someone on the autistic spectrum, she’s struggled with whether she’s gay/straight/bi etc....she has come to the conclusion that she likes a person for who they are so sex/gender is probably not a concern to her. She currently has a boyfriend but still considers herself to be bi-sexual or possibly pan sexual. Whilst my daughter has never been a Tom Boy (quite the opposite) she’s always had a very ‘male brain’ in a very feminine body. ASD kids are never ordinary, but they are amazing, fantastic and unique. I would suggest a psychotherapist through CAMHS or similar to talk things through with them. It’s important for her to know that she can be who she wants to be, like who she wants to like and live how she wants to live without physically changing her body to conform.

AlunWynsKnee · 06/08/2019 00:09

I'm part way through diagnosis for ASD following my dd's diagnosis. As a child I was a tomboy. As a teen I really hated my body. As a young woman I was a misfit until I ended up working in a male environment. Only when I had children was I comfortable with all of my body because it had a purpose rather than being awkward.
I don't do girly. It's fine.

QueenOfPain · 06/08/2019 00:22

Are you sure she wants to tell you that she’s trans? She could just want to tell you that she’s gay?

AleFailTrail · 06/08/2019 00:58

I’m a tomboy even as an adult. I hate my breasts (they’re huge) and like mostly stereotypical male hobbies. All my mates are male. I have been told if I had been born ten years later I would have been encouraged to transition. I hate skirts and dresses and shaving, always wear trousers.

I am still a woman.
I am in a happy long term relationship
I have no desire for my own penis.

Encourage her interests and hobbies, keep her from those harmful ‘if you like boy things you’re trans’ types, tell her she can be a blokey woman.

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 07:29

Most secondary children just want friends and to fit in! Don't we all. So this feeling is particularly prominent for her now.

As you go through uni and life does that become easier? I have great friends. But I see plenty of MN threads where mums have no friends. Makes me sad.

NT kids feel this way! The thing with ASD is that you often feel that you never quite fit in. This is understandable because, well, because they are wired differently!!

Hopefully in life she'll find her way, find herself, find nice friends who accept her. A living partner. That's what most of us want for our kids.

Hopefully she can do that sexually. As straight, bi, gay, whatever. Because it'll be easier for her. I do hope she manages that.

Because you have to try and hope/subtly discourage her from going down the trans route. Only because that route is extremely difficult and can never really be filled, with what the person wants, and is isolating and really you wouldn't wish it on anyone would you?

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 07:29

Most secondary children just want friends and to fit in! Don't we all. So this feeling is particularly prominent for her now.

As you go through uni and life does that become easier? I have great friends. But I see plenty of MN threads where mums have no friends. Makes me sad.

NT kids feel this way! The thing with ASD is that you often feel that you never quite fit in. This is understandable because, well, because they are wired differently!!

Hopefully in life she'll find her way, find herself, find nice friends who accept her. A living partner. That's what most of us want for our kids.

Hopefully she can do that sexually. As straight, bi, gay, whatever. Because it'll be easier for her. I do hope she manages that.

Branleuse · 06/08/2019 12:55

Fwiw i know 2 autistic women that hated being female growing up, bound their breasts etc and now as adults in their 40s, have kids, and lead a relatively normal if not unconventional lives, but have no issue with being female.
Im autistic too, and i can well imagine placing myself on the trans spectrum back then if it had been a thing back then, but the only trans people i knew then were old school transexuals or transvestites and they were seen as completely different things then ( because They are)

CodenameVillanelle · 07/08/2019 07:43

I'm shocked that you're thinking a teenage girl with ASD who had been sectioned 3 times might be 'trans'. Whatever you do don't encourage her to think that. Her mental health will NOT improve if she starts down that road.

Damntheman · 07/08/2019 09:29

Grief OP don't ask for trans advice here, that's the worst thing you could do! Contact your local Pride chapter and ask for help and support. Find your local www.transunite.co.uk/ group and attend yourself for information and support.

www.stonewall.org.uk/our-work/campaigns/come-out-trans-equality Stonewall can also help you with literature

and of course www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

Support your child in what they tell you or the way they behave, accept what they believe to be their truth and just love love love. Judgement and disbelief will be the fastest way to get your child to clam up and never share again.

popehilarious · 07/08/2019 10:35

Mermaids is run by an IT professional who put hundreds of confidential emails, naming the children they worked with, online where they could be read by anyone. Whatever you think of their ethos this alone would be reason to avoid them.

Damntheman · 07/08/2019 10:50

That was news to me Pope, thank you for the tip.

lau888 · 07/08/2019 11:11

I agree with past posters. It could just be the ASD - and possibly asexuality. (From my perspective, boys are easier to communicate with than girls. Particularly at high school, when the girls all seem to be obsessed with makeup and dating.) There is nothing wrong with being a "tomboy". Hopefully, as she grows older, she'll realise you don't have to wallow in pink glitter just because you have long hair and breasts. Gender stereotypes are awful and you'll never fit any stereotype if you aren't NT. Frankly, I tell my kids that unless something is operated with your bottom then it is for either gender. One more thought... anorexia can stop periods. Long term contraceptives are a healthier way to stop unfair periods. x

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