I think my dd is transgender

[Spooksandchocolatecake]

I know this isn't aibu but I didn't know where to put this.

My dd is 15 in November and to put it bluntly has a lot of issues (ASD,Anorexia,Anxiety etc to name the most prominent and isn't in school currently).She has always been a tomboy to the extreme,doesn't own anything remotely girly ,has always found boys easier to communicate with than girls,and used to say she was a boy and asked when we'd take her back to the hospital to change her name.

She's just cut all her hair off and 2 years ago brought a binder because she 'hated herself but wouldn't go into anymore detail.I checked her phone (which she doesn't know about) and she'd written in notes I need to tell them before it's to late...

What should I do?

In the past I've asked up front and she just clamped up.

Thinking about it, I also REALLY REALLY struggled with having breasts/puberty in general.

itsnotawatercat... I'm also wary of people on anonymous forums who claim to be a professional. Your advising listening to an anonymous stranger over a trained professional?

I relate to a lot of what is written in your OP and it wasnt known then but im autistic. I used to cry at school because i wanted to be a boy. I now know that wasn't actually correct, it just seemed a logical solution to my young mind. I grow more comfortable with my female body as time goes on but i will never 100% fit the female stereoptype. I am in no way transgender though, i'd give it more time and let her thoroughly clear puberty before deciding on that one!!

Ten years ago you wouldn't have thought your daughter was transgender. Social media is rife with the subject now and may be influencing your thoughts on this. Your daughter is autistic but that doesn't make her transgender. She is at a difficult period in her life, no doubt hormonal but it passes and she will settle. Just support her by talking calmly about her ambitions, what she would like to do with her life. Why is she not at school? Would a change of school be helpful if she is having difficulties at her current one? Whatever her problems over gender she will still need qualifications once this phase has passed. She should not be wearing a binder as it could lead to health problems in the future.

I too was a big tomboy and wanted to be a boy when I was younger as I prefered "boy" things and had lots of boy mates so that doesn't necessarily always equal transgender however I do think you may be correct in this situation. I don't have much advice but I would feel quite overwhelmed if my mum asked me about being transgender especially if I was confused myself. Maybe you could just concentrate on the binding issue and talk about that and say it could cause health risks etc would she like to go to the doctor and ask about an alternative solution (I don't know what) but just so it's easing her into the conversation.

I don't know if you watch keeping up with the kardashians (my guilty pleasure) but the step dad is transgender and I learnt so much watching it about their POV and why they don't feel comfortable just coming out and saying it no matter how close and understanding you may be.

My youngest was born female.

They are now 20 and came out as non-binary 2 years ago.

They describe themselves as more masculine than feminine, and have gone to the GIC and are taking testosterone.

They have worn a binder for a couple of years and are in the process of arranging out top surgery.

As a mother, this is a massive process to comprehend and many times I have cried because I just want my little girl back.

However, all I can do is support their life choices and be there for them. The route they have chosen is bloody hard. I don't think anyone would voluntarily choose this path and the implications it has.

I am incredibly lucky that they live in Brighton and have an amazing support network around them.

My advice would be to be as supportive as possible.

Make sure they have a good support network around them and also, one for you too - the more understanding there is around this subject the better for everyone.

Good luck x

This sounds like an unhappy child who needs professional support for several issues. Please don't be put off seeking help because of the scaremongering that the minute the T-word is mentioned that will be siezed on as the solution and your child will be fast-tracked to drug/surgery.

itsnotawatercat... I'm also wary of people on anonymous forums who claim to be a professional. Your advising listening to an anonymous stranger over a trained professional?

Fair enough, insomuch as anyone could be anyone on the internet. But what the person on that thread is saying, backs up what several named professionals are saying publicly. e.g.:

Marcus Evans, director of the trust that oversees GIDS, a professional of some 40 years experience, resigned over this issue:

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/governor-quits-blinkered-tavistock-clinic-82db7wzq8

A governor of the NHS trust that runs England’s only gender clinic for children has resigned in protest at its “blinkered” and “one-sided” response to doctors who had raised the alarm about “woefully inadequate” care.

Marcus Evans, a consultant psychotherapist at the Tavistock and Portman trust with three decades’ experience, told The Sunday Times that the trust had said things that were “not true”, had created a “climate of fear” and was trying to “dismiss or undermine” concerns raised by its own clinicians.

“I am sad to be ending my proud 34-year association with the trust,” Evans wrote in his resignation letter. “However, I do not have confidence that these serious issues . . . are going to be sufficiently addressed and dealt with in a thorough, thoughtful and balanced way.”

Twenty-five other clinicians at the trust have signed a letter protesting against how it had handled the concerns of medical staff. The 25 said the attitude of managers was “not acceptable”.

Guardian link, if you prefer: www.theguardian.com/society/2019/feb/23/child-transgender-service-governor-quits-chaos

Anyone who is wondering why she's not in school search up my username and you should find a thread about her school refusal and mental health issues

I feel incredibly sad for children today who have such options available to them. Growing into womanhood is incredibly hard for some children, especially girls in a society that has such rigid gender expectations and such horrid abuse of developing girls.

I am still not a girlie woman, I still have a hatred of my breasts, But i no longer think of myself as David and think I was incredibly lucky to grow up when I did , becuase a lifetime of medical treatment sounds horrific.

You only get one life and one body, you need to treat both with the uttermost care and respect,

I was lucky with parents who helped me be myself , encouraging me when I was coding computers or mending car engines. challenging others when they tried to apply sterotype to me. That helped me accept myself and see when it was the world that was wrong, not me.

Good luck, and I am happy to answer any questions

I was a bit like this. My best friend was too. We are both oldies now but we still wear mostly mens clothes, most of our stuff is camo or dark but we are both happily married and fairly feminine now. I don't like girly stuff but I only wanted to be a boy briefly in primary school. I possess about three dresses and all the rest of my clothes could be worn by men. Proceed with caution. One day she may well change and put it all behind her. If you talk about it it becomes a thing.

Also, in the last few weeks, former GIDS clinician Kirsty Entwistle went public with a serious concerns about the service, in an open letter to Dr Polly Carmichael, head of GIDS:

medium.com/@kirstyentwistle/an-open-letter-to-dr-polly-carmichael-from-a-former-gids-clinician-53c541276b8d

Don't let her get on the trans pathway whatever you do. It's a poisonous ideology that's sweeping up the vulnerable. She is not male.

m.youtube.com/c/gnc-centric

GNC Centric is another young, detransitioned woman with lots of insight.

And Pique Resilience project is a group of 4 formerly trans identifying women.

www.piqueresproject.com/about.html

One of my kids is ASD and I can imagine a binder would seem helpful on two fronts, avoiding the yuck that comes with other people noticing your developing adult figure AND comforting sensory feedback, like an all-day weighted blanket.

Occupational Therapy was very useful for getting my ASD teen through the worst of the secondary school years - waiting lists are crazy though - 3 years in my area.

@Spooksandchocolatecake you have just described my DSD to a t.
Get CAHMs involved and be prepared to wait a long time for your first appointment. tHIS IS A LOT FOR YOU TO NAVIGATE ALONE.

Could it be possible, that maybe the thing your DD might want to tell you is not that she's trans but that she's gay?

itsnotawatercat.. I'm not disagreeing there are differing opinions. And I'm not suggesting she rushes into getting her daughter diagnosed or to any pro trans organisation.
All I'm saying is the same as you, people have there own agendas on internet forums, on both sides of the debate. And her daughter needs help.
I also note the professional you linked said none of her colleagues agree with her views, so she must know it's not black and white.

Best advice from @RedPandaBear and @KatieHack Good luck in supporting your child, OP. Just keep listening.

There is a very helpful thread in the ask me anything section of MN, I agree that this doesn’t sound like trans to me. Trans people tend to be absolutely disgusted by their genitals, it’s really not about social constructs of what genders like/ how to dress etc.

The fact people get so offended by every letter in these threads isn’t helping the situation either. It’s no wonder clinicians have just sort of, given up.
It would be offensive to question this.

I only popped in to give a suggestion instead of the binder, which is really harmful. See if you can find a nude, no cleavage sports bra instead.

So far two of my kids have ID'ed as trans. Social contagion is real.

I think you need an open discussion with her. You have assumed she’s transgender but actually the ‘I’ve got to tell them before it’s too late’ might be about her sexuality or even rape / sexual abuse. Maybe take her away for a nice weekend, just the two of you doing something she enjoys, and talk.

being a tom boy or the way you choose to wear your hair doesn't make you transgender -its an individual internal decision. She may feel asexual, for instance, just let her decide but just let her know that you care about her (or whatever pronoun is preferable)

My DD is 14 and has ASD. She is a computer geek type tomboy. She is not girly in the slightest and hates periods. She is in to video games and robots. She has never been interested in or worn makeup or jewelry. She can’t stand to have her hair done beyond a quick brush. She does like it long, but so do some boys so I don’t consider that feminine. She is completely uninterested in boys or girls or anything romantic. She does not online stuff or gossip or vines- prefers to chat about gaming.
This last season of Stranger Things she felt was 50% boring crap because they had the romance sub plots.

So yeah, you’ve described ASD to me more than transgender. My elder DD does have a FtM transgender friend who we have over all the time and he is completely different from a tomboy.