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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is fucked up. Mother/daughter thing

94 replies

Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:18

I’m close to my cousin. She is the same age as me, and has always had a difficult relationship with her mum, married to my uncle.

She has struggled with her weight forever and my aunt, who is a totally different build to her, much more petite, has gone one about it forever too, even before she was big - putting her on slimfast at 15 etc.

About 15 years ago cousin had some weight loss surgery. She looked and said she felt great but was still bigger than auntie would have liked. I don’t think she could see it at the time but auntie carried on picking at her, suggesting slimming clubs, buying pull-you-in pants etc. I’ve always got on ok with my aunt and she would frame it in a caring way - “she’s such a beautiful girl, her weight lets her down, she would be so much happier” etc.

Things quietened down for a while - and my cousin reduced contact too. They are back in touch a bit more lately, and this weekend my cousin and I and a few other friends are all away for a break. A couple of the other women are very into their fitness and I know that cousin was feeling self conscious about being by the pool etc.

It’s also my birthday so auntie sent me a little present, wrapped up, with cousin, and also gave her a present too. We opened them together last night, mine was some perfume, and hers was a girdle. A black heavy duty pull you in foundation garment.
Cousin laughed it off in front of everyone but I know she was astounded.

That’s a shitty thing to do isn’t it?

OP posts:
glasshalfsomething · 04/08/2019 14:23

That’s a horrible thing to do! Angry

Absoluteunit · 04/08/2019 14:24

That's vile. Your poor cousin Sad

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 04/08/2019 14:24

Yes, it is. Your aunt clearly is a piece of work.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 04/08/2019 14:25

Yeah, that’s shit. Well done your cousin for being so well balanced. Sounds like her mum has some sort of eating disorder she projects onto others!

Nautiloid · 04/08/2019 14:26

Yes this is horrendous. If she's anything like me, she'd probably never have BEEN overweight without your aunt projecting all her issues onto her.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 04/08/2019 14:28

That's a spiteful wicked thing to do and your aunt knows it too.

The weight thing growing up sounds horrendously damaging too. My dad had an eating disorder as a young man (life threateningly so) and my Mum had a really complex relationship with food and indulgence (very Presbyterian) so my brother and I grew up with really messed up attitudes towards food.

But humiliating your child in any circumstances is horrid, to do it publicly and deliberately is beyond my understanding.

She sounds really poisonous.

FadedRed · 04/08/2019 14:28

Awful thing to do. Did you tell your cousin (privately) that you think her mother was bang out of order? Maybe saying that “If my mum had done that to me, I’d would have been upset”. Any possibilities you could talk to your aunt about how her words and actions are probably contributing to your cousins issues with food and weight?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 04/08/2019 14:30

Hugely shitty. Your aunt has issues and is projecting them onto your cousin. I hope your cousin is strong enough to disregard it.

TuffersTickler · 04/08/2019 14:31

What an awful thing to do, so deliberately provoking.

QueenOfPain · 04/08/2019 14:33

Her mum sounds like utter trash, however she’s likely to be an unwitting agent of the patriarchy, but she’ll never acknowledge it. My mum says all the same shit to me, and has never been happy with me. I could have found a way to run to the moon and it’d still be worth nothing because ultimately i’m still fat, and that overshadows everything else in her eyes.

You and your cousin need to read Fat is a Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. It’s a game changer.

GettickledGETTICKLEDbyspiders · 04/08/2019 14:33

Didn’t anyone say anything at the time or were they all too shocked?

BlueSuffragette · 04/08/2019 14:35

Can you talk to your cousin about her relationship with her mum? It sounds like she has put her down about her weight for a long time. To do that in public was awful. I'd have to talk to my aunt about the impact of her actions on her daughters self esteem. Sounds like an unsymapthetic mum who is blunt to the point of being a bully.

PancakeAndKeith · 04/08/2019 14:36

Sounds exactly like my mum.
Which is why I live 4 hours away.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/08/2019 14:36

This is exactly the sort of thing that my mother would do (and just one of many reasons why I no longer see her and probably never will again). I feel desperately sorry for you cousin, because it is really unlikely that her mother will ever accept that she is both wrong and also the source of her daughter's weight issues in the first place.

Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:38

Horrible isn’t it? When it happened I immediately said she should have the perfume and that auntie is a ratbag but cousin brushed it off. She’s mentioned her weight a lot lately, I think whatever surgery she had was a temporary thing, and it’s gone back on again but so what, she looks great anyway.

Auntie cannot/will not see this as being cruel. For her thinner=good. Fat=bad.

She is also like this with one of her sons, who has also struggled with his weight. Her other son (they are both my cousins too obviously) is her darling favourite and Not Fat, but is a totally different build, and about a foot shorter!

OP posts:
user1486131602 · 04/08/2019 14:39

What a witch! Why not buy her aunt a gimp mask so she can keep her options to herself!
🤬

StaplesCorner · 04/08/2019 14:40

Any possibilities you could talk to your aunt about how her words and actions are probably contributing to your cousins issues with food and weight?

Any possibilities you could actually tell her what a spiteful cow she is to her face, and then advise your poor cousin to go NC?

TwistyTop · 04/08/2019 14:40

She sounds a lot like my mum.

I don't speak to her much anymore.

StaplesCorner · 04/08/2019 14:41

Auntie cannot/will not see this as being cruel - well, maybe you and the rest of the family could enable her to understand?!

Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:43

I’ll have another try. I get along well with her - she is on the face of it, good fun, v charitable, religious, backbone of the community etc. She’s fine with me and I suspect would never dream of saying anything like this to anyone except my poor cousin and her brother!

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 04/08/2019 14:43

I remember getting my first 'roll on' girdle for my 13th birthday.

I was presented with cash to go to WeightWatchers on my 14th.

I've got nearly 4 stone to lose.

Thanks Mum.

Roomba · 04/08/2019 14:44

Sounds like my mother, who does this to my sister who is overweight. She'd do it even if my sister weighed eight stone though - she continually berates me for being too thin! I moved 200 miles away and only have low contact with our mother, I only wish my sister would do the same for her own mental health.

Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:44

Oh yes, as cousin pointed out, the girdle was a 14, and auntie knows fine well that a 14 wouldn’t fit. She has form for buying clothes for her that are too small.

OP posts:
Sootyandsweep2019 · 04/08/2019 14:45

Sorry OP, but your aunt is a bitch 😠

sophiestew · 04/08/2019 14:48

She sounds like my own DM.

Consumes about 3000 calories a day and weighs 6 stone so thinks anyone over a size 8 is a greedy pig and doesn't mind telling them so.

She also bought me those huge shaper pant/girdle things for my 40th. Such a cunt. I am NC now though.

I don't really know what you can do here but your cousin is lucky to have someone who understands.

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