to think this is fucked up. Mother/daughter thing

[Shalligo]

I’m close to my cousin. She is the same age as me, and has always had a difficult relationship with her mum, married to my uncle.

She has struggled with her weight forever and my aunt, who is a totally different build to her, much more petite, has gone one about it forever too, even before she was big - putting her on slimfast at 15 etc.

About 15 years ago cousin had some weight loss surgery. She looked and said she felt great but was still bigger than auntie would have liked. I don’t think she could see it at the time but auntie carried on picking at her, suggesting slimming clubs, buying pull-you-in pants etc. I’ve always got on ok with my aunt and she would frame it in a caring way - “she’s such a beautiful girl, her weight lets her down, she would be so much happier” etc.

Things quietened down for a while - and my cousin reduced contact too. They are back in touch a bit more lately, and this weekend my cousin and I and a few other friends are all away for a break. A couple of the other women are very into their fitness and I know that cousin was feeling self conscious about being by the pool etc.

It’s also my birthday so auntie sent me a little present, wrapped up, with cousin, and also gave her a present too. We opened them together last night, mine was some perfume, and hers was a girdle. A black heavy duty pull you in foundation garment.
Cousin laughed it off in front of everyone but I know she was astounded.

That’s a shitty thing to do isn’t it?

They’ve had several fallings out over the years, mostly to do with auntie overstepping on various different things. It’s a strange dynamic. My mother has never really got on with her beyond civilities and said once that she plays my cousin off against her dad, which is weird.

We are all going back to cousin’s place later where most of us have left the cars. If I can catch her by herself I’ll say something. So sad for her.

My aunt was the same way with my cousin. And she shamed her in front of the family. She'd always remark on the portion size of whatever she took and God forbid she should want seconds or pudding! It was horrible and embarrassing. And unfortunately, we come from a very 'keep the peace' family so no one ever said anything. I'd tell my cousin she was lovely and to ignore her mother, but to my shame I never spoke up and told my auntie to shut it. My mum would say to me that her sister shouldn't speak that way and it was terrible, but when I asked her to say something, she'd say 'it's not my place'.

Both of us (and Mum AND auntie) tend to gain weight and it's always been something we've had to keep an eye on. My mum used to say that when her sister (auntie) called one of the first things she'd ask was 'How is Across' weight?' so she could compare me and my cousin. I mean, she'd actually ask Mum what I weighed!!! And then she'd start on her DD, didn't Mum think Cousin should lose weight, etc. If we visited and I was slimmer the minute I'd leave she'd go on with Cousin about how slim I was and how she should ask me how to lose weight.

It deeply affected their relationship although I don't think my auntie ever realized how deeply her DD resented her. To this day my Cousin struggles with her self-esteem and is much too concerned about how she looks to other people. The worst part of it is that auntie truly thought she was being 'helpful'.

If you get a chance, speak up and tell your aunt off. To hell with family dynamics! My cousin and I are as close as sisters (I'm actually closer to her than I am to my sister) and I'm so ashamed that I never spoke up on her behalf.

I went no contact with my mum over shit like this - her peak was not long after I'd had my first DC we were discussing bra sizes. I'm not skinny by any stretch but even at a size 16 I'm a 30-32 back size, I'm just narrow ribbed/waisted and quite hourglass. My mother could not believe that I have a smaller back then her (she's a size 6 and wears an ill fitting 34 band) and waited until I had my back to her and basically lassoed me with a tape measure. I was fully clothed and bending forward at the time so the tape measure was diagonal over clothing.

The triumph in her voice as she shouted "36 inches, I KNEW you were no 30 band" was nauseating. I didn't speak to her for years after that, and although I've tried again since we're now NC again.

She started on calling me fat when I was about 10 too. I wasn't fat then. I am now though, and I think starting on crash dieting at such a young age played a part.

I would have a bloody word with your Auntie she is nasty and cruel and has a nasty streak and I would then never have anything to do with her bitch

Be aware, OP, that your cousin has had this all her life and has probably internalised it. She probably thinks being fat is disgusting and all her fault and may not perceive her mum as doing anything wrong. When her mum comments, or gives her “gifts” she is sure to feel embarrassed - but not necessarily angry with her mum.

It may take a lot of times hearing the message “that was a really unkind thing your mother did” till she starts to believe it. It’s only when she starts to question her mum’s behaviour herself that the real change will happen.

Well done for caring for your cousin and being willing to stand up for her.

That is horrific. Poor your cousin and the aunt needs to learn how to be a mum.
Can’t believe she gives alcohol to a teetotaller. Wtaf?

"she is on the face of it, good fun, v charitable, religious, backbone of the community etc. She’s fine with me and I suspect would never dream of saying anything like this to anyone except my poor cousin and her brother!"
Charitable? Religious? Backbone of the community? Maybe "on the face of it", but at heart she is mean-spirited. And these 'virtues' you listed - in tandem with her treatment of her daughter, it screams 'keeping up appearances' to me. She wants to be seen as these things, and they are easy things to seem. 'Backbone/pillar of the community' types - why do they always turn out to hypocrites of the first water?

Not a nice person. Not a nice person at all.

Puzzlesobserver yes she doesn’t seem angry. And never has really, just exhausted maybe.

So sad all these relationships were people we are supposed to love and trust think they can come at us disrespectfully for being a certain size (or whatever).
I wonder if it’s because they were fat kids themselves and don’t want others to be bullied or isolated by peers like they were. If so it’s a kind thought, but not kind actions unfortunately.
I wonder if the aunt didn’t know the cousin would open the parcel in front of people though? It may not have been a deliberate action. Someone really does need to respectfully tell the auntie that going on and on at adults about their weight is counter productive. The evidence of that is how well her tactics have worked so far - they haven’t. So she should stop nagging. Adults can be what they want to be.
I wonder as well if the aunt either has loss of control issues about other things in life so is trying to ignore them by trying to change others, or if she has not much actually in her life to occupy her mind and that’s why she is butting in to things that she needs to keep out of now.
Or forgets she’s old herself by pretending her kids still need her advice.
We all want healthy kids but there comes a time where repeated criticism of adults isn’t helpful.

Urgh horrible bitch.

Some parents only positive is that they teach you what NOT to do.

When my Mum does/ says things like this I always tell myself she is doing me a favour as I’d never treat DD the way she has treated me.

It was wrapped in the same paper as the perfume.

Shalligo, please say something to your Aunt. You have absolutely nothing to lose and your poor cousins have everything to gain.

I have an aunt like this who bullied my cousin for being gay, she killed herself and to watch my aunts "grief" knowing she was partly to blame was sickening.
I really regret not standing up to her when I had the chance to change things.

I have an aunt very like yours.

She used to buy me mens clothes in XXL even though they swamped me. Everyone's worth was measured by their weight and she talked about nothing but food and diets and weight and eating.

She would say the most horrendous things about people too. A woman we knew was pregnant and she was a larger lady and my aunt said "who would even want to get with that?"

At Christmas one year she gave everyone normal plates of turkey etc, she served me a massive turkey leg. I got up, said loudly "I don't want this" and walked into the kitchen to take it off my plate. She was a total bitch and usually I would do as everyone else would do and just pussyfoot around her, but that fucking turkey leg was the final straw, and although how I dealt with it seems like nothing now, it was a really big deal at the time.

She would always complain that her daughter was chubby, but she fed her shit food late at night and encouraged no exercise. I no longer speak to her as she is utterly vile, but I dread to think the MH issues that her daughter now has.

I really feel for your cousin. It is awful to be treated like that.

My mother did this to me
I (was) a size 12/14 (more 14 now) with a small chest and chunky thighs and my mother a size 28/32 with a large chest
No matter what I wore or what my dress size was I’d get the snide comments about ‘being too small up top and too big down there’ or ‘why not try on the size 20 top-baggy suits you
Or ‘try on these size 8 jeans’ and smirk when I couldn’t get them on

I cut contact with her 9 years ago have put on 1/2 a stone and feel so much better for it

Your cousin needs to go either very low contact or no contact with her Mum before she ends up a wreck with no self esteem. The Aunt is an utter, utter bitch. I'd just have nothing to do with the aunt myself if I was you and tell her its because of her spiteful, horrible behaviour.

I find such unkindness beyond understanding.

I actually thought you might be my cousin when I started reading.

I remember going to my 5th year dance (hell of a big deal in my day) and dm made me a dress so I could have something nice because the style in the shops was loose fit and I needed something to hold me in.

She’s moving and found the dress so gave it to me. It’s like a fucking dolls dress, honestly it’s tiny, but I’m just under 6 feet tall and have massive boobs. I felt horrible at that dance and thought a boy asking me to dance was making fun of me.

She had friends to stay recently who eats 3 meals a day and dm was incredulous that she was expecting breakfast and lunch on the same day.

If your cousin is anything like me she dies a little every time she’s reminded how fat she is. It’s like a ever present threat waiting to spoil the fun times.

You sound great though. I’d love it if someone notice dm was a cow and didn’t care I was fat - which I am now but can’t tell that I’m any fatter than when I was 16.

It’s hard to believe anyone can see past the fat (real or imagined) so keep being a good person.

What a nasty thing to do, she sounds horrible and I’m glad your cousin has you looking out for her.
I remember my mum stamping her feet and raging at me for eating bread one day saying that she ‘refused to have fat children’ when I was aged 14 and a size 8/10.
She then dedicated a cupboard to me and filled it with fat free/diet food and proudly announced it in front of my family.
Needless to say I have had issues with my size and appearance ever since.
I imagine I disgust her now as I am a 14 🙄

Everyone else has said it all really. Just to add that your cousin sounds like my best friend from school. I mean literally, I think they may be the same person. If your name begins with S and hers with R, then please tell your cousin that back when I knew her she was stunning looking as well as one of the warmest, kindest and most uncomplicated people I've ever known.

I think you should return the perfume to you aunt, telling her that you appreciate the gesture but can't keep it because every time you look at it it just reminds you of the humiliation your cousin must have felt - not at her weight but at being treated so cruelly by her mother in front of friends. Tell her it would have been lovely to have a gift to make you think of her whenever you used it, but this one only makes you think less of her now so you don't want to keep it.

I thought my DM was bad, but she is nothing compared to some of these. I've always been bottom heavy, with chunky thighs and I hated going shopping with my mum for trousers when I was a teenager. Everytime I found a pair of trousers I liked it was always "your bum looks big in that" I still hate trouser shopping.

If your cousin was overweight at 15 and then who is responsible for that? Her mum would have provided her meals as a child wouldn't she do maybe she is responsible?

Giving her a girdle was a vile thing to do. If she has always gone on about her daughter's weight then your cousin may have comfort eaten as a result.

I think your cousin probably needs some counselling to deal with her mother's attitude.