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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is fucked up. Mother/daughter thing

94 replies

Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:18

I’m close to my cousin. She is the same age as me, and has always had a difficult relationship with her mum, married to my uncle.

She has struggled with her weight forever and my aunt, who is a totally different build to her, much more petite, has gone one about it forever too, even before she was big - putting her on slimfast at 15 etc.

About 15 years ago cousin had some weight loss surgery. She looked and said she felt great but was still bigger than auntie would have liked. I don’t think she could see it at the time but auntie carried on picking at her, suggesting slimming clubs, buying pull-you-in pants etc. I’ve always got on ok with my aunt and she would frame it in a caring way - “she’s such a beautiful girl, her weight lets her down, she would be so much happier” etc.

Things quietened down for a while - and my cousin reduced contact too. They are back in touch a bit more lately, and this weekend my cousin and I and a few other friends are all away for a break. A couple of the other women are very into their fitness and I know that cousin was feeling self conscious about being by the pool etc.

It’s also my birthday so auntie sent me a little present, wrapped up, with cousin, and also gave her a present too. We opened them together last night, mine was some perfume, and hers was a girdle. A black heavy duty pull you in foundation garment.
Cousin laughed it off in front of everyone but I know she was astounded.

That’s a shitty thing to do isn’t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 14:51

I still can’t believe she wrapped it and gave it to her! No one has mentioned it. No one even has to. Sad

Thinking about it, on a similar vein, cousin’s older brother had a rough few years and developed a drink problem. He addressed it though and hasn’t touched a drop in years, but for Christmas auntie buys him booze, every year. She says “well just keep it in in case someone comes over.” Cousin just rolls his eyes and gives it away immediately.

OP posts:
Creatureofthenight · 04/08/2019 14:57

She buys her child who has drink problems alcohol for Christmas? That’s worse than the girdle. She is a grade A bitch.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 04/08/2019 15:08

This makes me so angry.

When your auntie started this your cousin will have been an ordinary weight I guarantee when she looks at pictures she'll be gobsmacked at why her mother told her to go on slim fast at 15. Now she's had to have surgery because of the issues with food her 'caring' mother has gifted her with.

Think of how much more we could achieve as women without so much headspace and time and energy wasted on worring about our weight.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2019 15:08

Please don't be private about it OP, be openly disdainful at this treatment of your cousin. Her mother should be in her corner and clearly isn't.

Showing support to your cousin is great, standing up for her against her unkind mother is much better.

We wouldn't tolerate this with skin colour or sexuality, why would we stand by and not say something when it's such an insidious and repetitive picking on about weight? Vile of your aunt.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 04/08/2019 15:10

Thinking about it, on a similar vein, cousin’s older brother had a rough few years and developed a drink problem. He addressed it though and hasn’t touched a drop in years, but for Christmas auntie buys him booze, every year.

Christ! Pillar of the community type too eh? Sounds like a giant bitch.

Forkingshirtballls · 04/08/2019 15:12

My DM is like this with me. I'm her only daughter. I have 2 DB's, both married with slim wives. My DM openly favours them.

On returning from her holiday she gave me and my 2 DS-inlaws a present. They both got a beautiful necklace. I opened mine to find a coffin with 2 skeletons having sex ontop!
One xmas all the boys were given a present, each got the same (think it was car related). Then she said "now for the girls". Both my DS-inlaws were given a spa day with treatments... then the awkward silence as everyone in the room realised I was completely missed out. There was nothing for me. I've also had comments like "you used to have a pretty face" and "I remember when you had cheekbones". Btw I'm only a couple stone over weight after having 2 babies!!

So I can relate to your poor cousin. She may brush it off but I guarantee she is hurting so much inside! Your aunty is a bully. Shame on her!! She's meant to be the one person your cousin feels completely safe with.

Teaandcrisps · 04/08/2019 15:14

No I wouldnt talk to auntie - but i would talk to the cousin perhaps acknowledging to her that was weird. Auntie wont listen.

WeirdAndScary · 04/08/2019 15:16

My DGM did this to me. I had half portions and was told that I didn't need that biscuit/pudding/food item that wasn't deemed health enough by her.

I developed an eating disorder and I realised how messed up she was when she was the only one telling me how good I looked while other people in my life were trying to get me to see that what I was doing was dangerous and wrong. It started when I was a size 10.

I think you need to openly address this with your aunt. Just say bluntly that she is cruel. Even if they write it off, I would be willing to bet that your cousin will appreciate it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2019 15:17

People behave like this because nobody ever says anything. As soon as people (they care about) say, "Actually, that's really unkind", and turn away from them, they have a decision to make - stop doing it or don't be around that person either. Such a mean-minded person really isn't a loss.

KUGA · 04/08/2019 15:18

What a total bitch your Aunt is.
I feel so sorry for your cousin.
Just out of interest was your cousin over weight as a youngster?.
If so.
Its her vile mothers fault.
I am so pleased she has a lovely and caring cousin like you in her life.
I feel really tearful for her.

Candymay · 04/08/2019 15:19

Bloody hell the alcohol is even worse than the girdle! Despicable.
What on earth is wrong with this woman?

Ellie56 · 04/08/2019 15:20

Forkingshirtballls I am so sad for you. I would go NC with your awful mother. She sounds a grade A bitch. Flowers

I can't believe what dreadful mothers some poor people have to put up with. Sad

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 04/08/2019 15:22

Exactly the relationship my Mum and I had. A lot of ‘you’d be so pretty if...’; ‘you used to have such a pretty face’; ‘do you think you can really get away with wearing that’ (shorts, inside my own house); ‘you don’t need any more...’ (whatever food at family gatherings).

I went NC.

4strings · 04/08/2019 15:23

Your aunt is a horrible person.

My DM is very much like that: openly dislikes people who are overweight. I’m grotesque in her eyes as I’m a size 12. If you aren’t a 6/8 you aren’t worthy of her attention.

She told me I was fat when I was seven and proceeded to restrict my food intake. There was an activity I did at which there was a tuck shop. I wasn’t allowed to buy anything. A typical meal for me aged 18 was half a packet of supanoodles. I also wasn’t allowed to do any physical activities because dm said I was too fat, and df refused to pay for anything.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2019 15:24

I would go no contact with her too, Forkingshirtballs, that is desperately unkind of her. She put thought into that poisonous 'gift', it would have been so easy for her to give the same as your SILs, a spa-day that you maybe could have had together. But no.

Socksontheradiator · 04/08/2019 15:24

What a bitch!

Oblomov19 · 04/08/2019 15:26

What a nasty piece of work!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/08/2019 15:26

Blimey, 4strings; these are shocking stories. Since when was weight any measure of worth? Some people are just horrible.

MistyMinge2 · 04/08/2019 15:29

That's so bloody sad. Your poor cousin. I'd have to say something to the Auntie. What a cunt.

Isatis · 04/08/2019 15:35

If you think you aunt would listen, you do need to tell her how astonishingly unkind this was. Frankly, I would suggest to her that she gets help with her own issues around weight, otherwise she will end up damaging her own health.

My mother used to be like this, and it was totally counter-productive in that it simply drove me into comfort eating. She is now in her 80s and there are major concerns that her issues around food are causing serious problems - she keeps insisting that she doesn't eat and throws away food unless someone stands over her and persuades her to eat at least something.

Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 15:36

Coolcoolcoolcool she was like a playboy bunny as a teen! Really curvy, never flat chested like I was. My dad spoke to our gran about how he was fed up with auntie going on about her weight. She is v tall and always looked a lot older somehow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shalligo · 04/08/2019 15:37

4strings that’s appalling!!! What do your SILS make of it?

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 04/08/2019 15:37

Op you need to call the aunt out about it. She needs to know you all see her actions for what they are - a reflection of her own insecurity and hang ups and fuck all to do with your poor cousin. Make sure she kniws youve done it and counsel her to protect hersekd, resssuring her that she is wrong.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 04/08/2019 15:39

Ie reassure her mum is wrong and cousin should protect herself,

Sittingonthedock8 · 04/08/2019 15:41

Your Aunt sounds really really horrible . She is lucky her daughter even speaks to her .