to think this is fucked up. Mother/daughter thing

[Shalligo]

I’m close to my cousin. She is the same age as me, and has always had a difficult relationship with her mum, married to my uncle.

She has struggled with her weight forever and my aunt, who is a totally different build to her, much more petite, has gone one about it forever too, even before she was big - putting her on slimfast at 15 etc.

About 15 years ago cousin had some weight loss surgery. She looked and said she felt great but was still bigger than auntie would have liked. I don’t think she could see it at the time but auntie carried on picking at her, suggesting slimming clubs, buying pull-you-in pants etc. I’ve always got on ok with my aunt and she would frame it in a caring way - “she’s such a beautiful girl, her weight lets her down, she would be so much happier” etc.

Things quietened down for a while - and my cousin reduced contact too. They are back in touch a bit more lately, and this weekend my cousin and I and a few other friends are all away for a break. A couple of the other women are very into their fitness and I know that cousin was feeling self conscious about being by the pool etc.

It’s also my birthday so auntie sent me a little present, wrapped up, with cousin, and also gave her a present too. We opened them together last night, mine was some perfume, and hers was a girdle. A black heavy duty pull you in foundation garment.
Cousin laughed it off in front of everyone but I know she was astounded.

That’s a shitty thing to do isn’t it?

Although I should add, that since I have grown up and had kids, I have put on a lot of weight and she never mentions it now like she did when I was a teenager.

Good idea Rave on

Your auntie needs explaining to her that this is an appalling way to treat her daughter. You sound lovely by supporting your cousin.

Your poor cousin. My own mother was the same and has spent my entire life judging me because of my weight. It started when I was about 12 and wasn't at all overweight. I am now about 5 stone overweight after 4 kids and I've had a lifetime of misery because of how I look. My heart goes out to your cousin. It's very, very difficult when the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally is the person tearing you down. My own mum used to preface her criticism with, ' I can tell you this because I am your mother and I love you...'

Has anyone ever spoken to your aunt about her behaviour? I ask because I have experienced a similar dynamic in my own family, except it was my uncle always having a go at his son (who is lovely but very different from his dad). It went on for years but nobody ever said a thing to my uncle but had plenty to say about it behind his back, what a shit he was treating his son that way in front of everyone.

At a family celebration once my uncle made a comment about his son and my other uncle proper tore him a new arsehole, telling him that the entire family had had enough of his digs and sly comments and he should be ashamed of himself. You could have heard a pin drop. It was really powerful coming from uncle who lost his own son at a young age and him saying that he should be grateful he had a son.

I think the fact that he realised the whole family had been talking about him being a shit was what shocked my uncle the most. In his head he was 'motivating' his son and just doing some 'plain-speaking'.

He hasn't spoken that way to my cousin since, not in public at least and whilst he is never going to be the most supportive father he keeps his comments to himself largely these days.

I would Thank your aunt for the perfume but let her know that your birthday was spoilt by what she did to your cousin. Hopefully it will give you an opening to let her know how terrible this is.

Your poor cousin.

i get along well with her - she is on the face of it, good fun, v charitable, religious, backbone of the community etc. She’s fine with me and I suspect would never dream of saying anything like this to anyone except my poor cousin and her brother!

Of course she is. Very rarely are abusive fuckers nasty bullies to everyone, they havd their victims while others get the 'lovely' side which makes it even harder on the victims to a) understand why them and b) see it's not their fault.

Your aunt is malicious, abusive and a bully. Talk to your cousin but you need to make clear to aunt and wider family that this is not acceptable, right and it's abusive.

Please stop getting on with her and stand up for your cousins. Your parents should have done so years ago. So unfair to your poor cousins and has probably demonstrated to them just how little the the family thinks of them.

A "good Christian" sort?

Maybe a few of these might be helpful

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

"but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God"

And especially

"If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless."

Your "aunt" is a nasty, abusive, poisonous bitch!

Too often people get away with crap like this because people don't speak up!

Please speak up on behalf of your cousins.

Their mothers behaviour is Fucking vile!

"Someone really does need to respectfully tell the auntie that going on and on at adults about their weight is counter productive." She doesn't deserve to be told respectfully!

And I suspect she's the type who "wouldn't get it" unless you were blunt with her.

Say to her, that her speech and actions are cruel, spiteful and embarrassing and make her look like she hates her own kids! It's true!

Seems to be a thing now to claim to be Christian and then act and speak in distinctly unchristian ways!

Please point your cousins in the direction of books and websites that deal with and support those with toxic parents.

Well tonight has been interesting, have just got back in. We had left cars at cousin’s so we went in for a coffee before we came home and auntie and uncle were there! I thanked her for the perfume, and she was her usual chatty self, and I said as lightly as I could that I thought it was a bit mean to get cousin a girdle and maybe she would have liked perfume too. Auntie said that it wasn’t cousin’s birthday so that is why she didn’t get perfume. I said yes but a girdle? Auntie didn’t give an inch, she said she had thought she would like it but no bother, she would take it back if it wasn’t wanted. I said it didn’t seem fair to even mention her weight, and auntie bit my head off, and said “I didn’t mention her bloody weight, why are you going on? She didn’t like it, I hear you! It’s you that’s mentioning her weight not me.” She went on about how she was only tryin to help and she could see now that “some people” might find it helpful but that wasn’t her intention. Then other people came in and she switched to being super nice and chatty but went soon after.

I didn’t mention any of this to cousin, it was all done when she wasn’t in the room and I don’t think she picked up on anything.

My mum was the same. With my dad and I. She always had me on diets, and even paid for my nose doing in my teens. I was never never good enough. Always too fat. But she dressed it up as “you’re so pretty, I’ll help you lose weight”

She once out amohetamine in my dads food “to help him shed a few pounds”

When I had my daughter, she came round one morning and she was eating toast. She was 9 months old and she went mad “you’re not getting her used to carbs are you? She’ll end up chubby, you don’t want her suffering like you do!”

We’re now no contact, and she doesn’t see my children.

We must have the same Aunty.

I am gobsmacked that there are so many of these weight obsessed rude women around! I thought my auntie was the only one!!!

She’s the reason her children have weight issues. Awful bitch.

Judging from experience with my mother, your aunt fully intended to send her daughter a message that she didn't deserve presents like perfume because she was too unattractive and needed to prioritise doing something about her weight.

It still sticks in my mind that my mother once claimed that my father was worried about me going to his office because it was an old building and the stairs might not take my weight. I was around 9 stone at the time, and those stairs were well able to the weight of three 20 stone men walking up together. She really couldn't see that making such ludicrous claims destroyed her credibility altogether and indeed simply showed up how nutty her entire weight obsession was.

@Ellie56 those incidents happened about 15 years ago. Unfortunately my personality means I've spent those years trying so hard to be accepted and win her approval in the hope of feeling accepted and loved. My DP would also like me to go NC. Broke his heart when I came home in tears after a recent visit. Sitting in her living room with DM and her favourite DD-il who was going for a gender scan the next day. My DM said "oh you dont want a girl, they are a fucking nightmare!". Those words were like a knife to my gut as I sat beside her on the couch with my 1 tear old DD on my knee and pregnant with another little girl (which I was delighted with). Again, instead of storming off after calling her out over it, I sat there trying so hard not to cry and just smiled and nodded.

Her DM is a nasty witch. Ffs if your own DM isn't there to have your back, her DM is a sick abuser.
I'd call my aunt out on her joke.

Sounds like Aunt has major food/body/weight issues - really bad.

Imo some mothers are intentionally cruel/evil but they are very much in the minority. The majority who do this type of thing are seriously fucked up, unwittingly projecting their own very serious issues onto children they love and care for. It is heartbreaking.

The only thing you can do is speak to your cousin imo. But tread carefully.

i would get your cousin on board and start buying her wrinkle creams and start talking about botox and how OLD she is looking, how embarrassing it is being seen with her, and get her hair dye or tell her how old her hair is looking, dry and shriveled.... play her at her own game... if she says anything remind her that your comments are coming from a place of LOVE and you only want her to look her best, that shes a beautiful woman but her wrinkles and hair let her down, repeat all the comments back to her... dont back off... keep it up until she gets it... fat shaming bitch

Your cousin needs to see the relationship for what it is.
The damage her DM has caused and she will continue to do it, your cousin won't change her but she can change the relationship to protect herself.
Has she had any therapy.