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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex won’t come home AIBU

88 replies

Littleteacup1 · 03/08/2019 22:16

Ex partner and I broke up seemed mutual at the time but since he’s realised he can’t live with out me. He’s cried so much and keeps threatening to commit suicide as he can’t live with out me. He has previous mental Health issues but help hasn’t helped. 2 weeks ago he threatened to end his life and walked out I called the police he had a go at me. Since then he keeps going away for the night to try and end it. I’m so upset at it all I keep panicking about him ending his life he has no family and won’t except help. People keep saying he won’t do it and so far he hasn’t as he always comes home. Last night he went out said good bye it felt so real but I didn’t want to believe it he never came home his phone was off and he still wasn’t home At 5 in the morning all day I’ve had no contact until tonight to say he didn’t want to ruin my day out so turned his phone off I kept crying all day and couldn’t sleep at all last night he’s apparently tried to hang himself but the branch broke and he passed out. I called the police but as he’s not missing they won’t do anything. I’m sat at home with worry but I can’t get to wear he his I’m so upset I keep crying I want to help but I can’t and any service he tries to ring can’t help I know I can’t stop him if he really wants to go he will find away it’s just the constant I’m going to go and then he dosnt I really thought he had gone This time

OP posts:

Original poster

Littleteacup1 · 03/08/2019 22:16

AIBU to not do more or try and get a lift to go and find him x

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 03/08/2019 22:21

Wow.
Change the locks.
Block his number and let the police know.

PrincessMargaret · 03/08/2019 22:23

What chicken said.

Skittlenommer · 03/08/2019 22:26

He’s got you right where he wants you. He’s manipulating you. If he wanted to kill himself he would have by now. People that are suicidal don’t tend to shout it from the roof tops. I’d get away from him, block his block his number and move on with your life.

If you have genuine concerns at any time call the police like you have been doing and they’ll do a welfare check but he’s no longer your responsibility!

dollydaydream114 · 03/08/2019 22:29

He's doing this to manipulate you. I've been there myself with an ex. He isn't going to kill himself, and if he does, it won't be your fault. He's trying to blackmail into being with you and he's being abusive. Phone the police and then, as others have said, block him and change the locks.

My ex did this to me several times and to another woman he split up with.

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 22:30

Call the police station near you.
Tell them he is suicidal, that you want this recorded, that he told you he tried to hang himself and that you want to know what they are going to do about it.
That you want a reference number.
They tend to act when they have to record it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/08/2019 22:31

If he was serious about wanting to kill himself he'd just do it, right now he's manipulating you. People who really want to commit suicide don't tell others just in case they're stopped.

IF he does then like the PP said - it's not your fault. His family don't believe him either. I'd just block him or report it to the police.

sackrifice · 03/08/2019 22:32

You need to call it in to the police each time, what he is doing is manipulating you.

Manno75 · 03/08/2019 22:34

Tell the police and then block him

Gruntvsgunt · 03/08/2019 22:35

Ditto what others have said. Block him number, run for the bloody hills x

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/08/2019 22:42

he’s apparently tried to hang himself but the branch broke and he passed out

Says who? Him? Yeah, right. As PPs have said, those who genuinely intend to kill themselves do so. Those who are using it as a tool of control threaten it endlessly.

Report your concerns to the police then block him on every channel on which he could contact you.

User55234 · 03/08/2019 22:44

Next time he does this, just tell him to go ahead.

Fishfeedingfrenzy · 03/08/2019 22:48

If he was serious about wanting to kill himself he'd just do it, right now he's manipulating you. People who really want to commit suicide don't tell others just in case they're stopped.

It isn't always the case though.

He sounds vulnerable, but he is also being manipulative. It is also affecting your mental health and I think he knows it. He knows that otherwise you would have moved on already. Does he have BPD (EUPD)?

Does he have a community nurse or a crisis team he can contact? Police will not do anything as he keeps returning and will deal with this sort of thing all of the time. His MH team are best placed to help him. You should be able to find a contact number for the team that works in your area online (look up your local NHS trust for your community MH team, or if he has gone out now threatening suicide, call crisis. They may know something you don't and can judge the situation. My bet is that he has not contacted them like he has said.

PanamaPattie · 03/08/2019 22:52

Chicken has it.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/08/2019 22:54

You need to look after you
The professionals need to look after him

BumbleBeee69 · 03/08/2019 22:55

Christ he sounds exhausting and manipulating as hell.. I agree with Chicken. BLOCK

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2019 22:57

He wants to break you. You need to get away from him asap.

ThatCurlyGirl · 03/08/2019 23:27

Sometimes people can be simultaneously having a genuine breakdown and be incredibly manipulative. In fact this is very common.

I know it comes from a place of caring but you are not helping him by enabling his behaviour. All you're doing is reinforcing that him behaving this way maintains your attention and stops him accepting you both need to move on.

It's toxic and the longer you engage with the situation the longer it will take for him to accept its over so you can both move on to a healthy and happy life. You are not responsible for his present or his future - no adult should ever consider someone else to hold their life in their hands, it's an unfair level of dependence.

Even if a close friend needed this much of your time and emotional support you would have to tell them to back off or you would phase them out, as kindly as possible of course, but it would be utterly exhausting. This is no different.

Sorry that was long winded but you would be kinder to withdraw totally- doing this gives him the best possible chance of learning to accept the situation and start to pick himself up and put together a new life for himself.

Don't perpetuate this cycle OP you will drive yourself mad with a constant rollercoaster of panic, relief and resentment.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 03/08/2019 23:38

He's playing you

HiJenny35 · 04/08/2019 03:03

People telling you he's playing you and doing it to manipulate can't possibly know this, only you can judge. Yes often a attempt is a cry for help, but the facts are that most people who kill themselves have attempted it before and that most people who kill themselves have told people of their intentions to do so. Is he pre telling you because he wants to force you to stay engaged with him or because he is literally in crisis and can't cope. Either way I'd take every threat seriously and pass whatever threats he has made straight onto the police. If he kills himself you need to know that you felt that you passed on information to the correct services for your own mental health. As for blocking him, that's a hard one, killing yourself is often because you simply don't want to carry on, it's not about causing pain to yourself but stopping life being so emotionally painful and not seeing a way out, if it was me I think I'd message and say that I didn't want him to hurt himself and provide the numbers of a couple of free helplines and ask him to please call and get some support. I'd say that I was going to block him because you are worried that contacting you seems to make him act on his feelings and that you think he would be safer if he didn't contact you then I would block before he can re contact with escalating threats. But I'm not telling you you should do that because it's you who has to get over it if he reacts badly. Blocking would be a huge deal and I'd expect an attempt/some behaviour in response not because he's trying to manipulate you as such but as it's just so overwhelming to not have that person and what should he do now. Whatever he does you need to remember it's his choice and not your fault and you can't live constantly with his threats. Sorry you are dealing with this.

TheSerenDipitY · 04/08/2019 03:35

as above call the police and insist they record and give you a file number, then have no more contact with your ex.... he is manipulating you or trying to... step back and think about it... if you do get back together his behaviour will get worse and each time you attempt to leave or kick him out he will start up the threats again and tell you it is your fault... he will do that until you actually believe it is, you will never be free of him, you will never be able to break up with him, he will break up with you, many times, and each time change his mind a few hours later, and you are stuck with him and his emotional abuse

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 03:35

Is he your ex or not, OP?

2 weeks ago he threatened to end his life and walked out I called the police he had a go at me.
Well that's surely enough to ensure you want him to remain an ex, isn't it?

I’ve had no contact until tonight to say he didn’t want to ruin my day out
How amazingly considerate of him! Oh no wait a minute, he's been ruining it with his on/off Suicide Charade for quite some time now hasn't he?

he’s apparently tried to hang himself but the branch broke and he passed out
How ... convenient.
@Littleteacup1, I've been through what your ex is now putting you through. Mine "tried to hang himself but it didn't work". I checked his lying handsome neck. Not a mark on it. He "tried to gas himself in the car" but that didn't work either. Four times.

I want to help but I can’t and any service he tries to ring can’t help
Services can & do help. Sadly, he doesn't want help - he wants attention & to control people through emotional blackmail.

it’s just the constant I’m going to go and then he dosnt
He is playing you. It is a wicked, cruel, selfish game designed to keep you on tenterhooks & focused on his wants. He believes that when he "survives" an "attempt" & returns from his walkabouts you will be sobbing with such relief & gratitude that you will do whatever he wants.

AIBU to not do more or try and get a lift to go and find him x
YANBU.
Do not do one more thing for him. Every time you do, you play into his narrative & give him more power over you.

He is an utter bastard to do this to you.
I know how gut-twistingly awful it is to go through, but you must ignore his acting out or it will get worse & worse. He is doing it to control you & every time you respond you feed his control over you. You have to step back & let him do whatever he is going to do.

You have reported it, there is nothing you can do.
He has trapped you in an unwinnable situation where you cannot STOP him from killing himself. Don't allow him to make you believe that any behaviour of yours would likewise MAKE him kill himself. That's all him. It's not down to you in any way
The only way to escape the trap he has set you is to disengage.
Block him, & work on dealing with your own fear, upset, anger, betrayal & sorrow.

This is not a man you want in your life, Trust me.

mussolini9 · 04/08/2019 03:38

& please, please, listen to @mummmy2017 & do as she suggests in her
post of Sat 03-Aug-19 22:30:41.

Get the locks changed too.
You don't need him pulling any stunts in your home.

SuzieSunshine · 04/08/2019 08:38

Wow this is wicked behaviour. As others have said, he is emotionally blackmailing you into staying with him. As well as def telling the police, so they have a continual log of his 'suicide attempts' can you not tell his mother or other immediate family as, if he is your ex, then they should know what he is threatening to do. You cannot live your life by worrying constantly every day whether he is going to do it. What's the alternative - you stay with him forever so he stays alive and you have no life of your own. Tell his mother and walk away.

Fifthtimelucky · 04/08/2019 09:45

I agree that he is being unreasonable and manipulative, but what are your living arrangements? Have you still been living together since you split up? If so, one of you needs to move out. Whose house is it?

Perfectly reasonable for you to break up with him, but it might not be perfectly reasonable for you also to take his home away from him, especially if he has no family locally who he could move in with. If it's his house rather than yours, move out. If it's in joint names, move out temporarily. Only change the locks if it is your house rather than his.

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