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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex won’t come home AIBU

88 replies

Littleteacup1 · 03/08/2019 22:16

Ex partner and I broke up seemed mutual at the time but since he’s realised he can’t live with out me. He’s cried so much and keeps threatening to commit suicide as he can’t live with out me. He has previous mental Health issues but help hasn’t helped. 2 weeks ago he threatened to end his life and walked out I called the police he had a go at me. Since then he keeps going away for the night to try and end it. I’m so upset at it all I keep panicking about him ending his life he has no family and won’t except help. People keep saying he won’t do it and so far he hasn’t as he always comes home. Last night he went out said good bye it felt so real but I didn’t want to believe it he never came home his phone was off and he still wasn’t home At 5 in the morning all day I’ve had no contact until tonight to say he didn’t want to ruin my day out so turned his phone off I kept crying all day and couldn’t sleep at all last night he’s apparently tried to hang himself but the branch broke and he passed out. I called the police but as he’s not missing they won’t do anything. I’m sat at home with worry but I can’t get to wear he his I’m so upset I keep crying I want to help but I can’t and any service he tries to ring can’t help I know I can’t stop him if he really wants to go he will find away it’s just the constant I’m going to go and then he dosnt I really thought he had gone This time

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 04/08/2019 10:07

The only way to respond to his bullying manipulation is to tell him to go ahead and get on with it (don't worry he won't). He will verbally kick off and say many many horrible things including telling you that it's all your fault (IT IS NOT) and that you want him dead (would make your life easier though) .
Be strong you deserve so much more than this sob Flowers

Original poster
Littleteacup1 · 04/08/2019 10:32

He’s also really fuming as I called him to come home and on a few occasions I’ve been so upset and stressed I’ve said maybe I will just get back with you and be and un happy for the rest of my life so I don’t have to put up with your shit and he’s taken that and wants it to happen apparently I’ve lied to him he’s also fuming that was talking to other people a day later

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2019 10:41

So he wants you to be unhappy for the rest of your life? Seriously - think about that. Then block and move on, he’s trying to ruin you. He’s not a nice person.

cottonwoolsnowmen · 04/08/2019 10:51

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

JeffJarrett · 04/08/2019 10:59

My ex did pretty much the same routine. It was so stressful and I felt horribly guilty. Do you have plans to move out/move him out? It really won't get any better until you aren't still living together (I had three months of it, hell!)

I ended up ringing his family and getting them involved to try to help. He isn't your responsibility anymore and he's absolutely trying to guilt you into getting back together.

GruciusMalfoy · 04/08/2019 11:00

He absolutely sounds manipulative. No one here can say for sure that he isn't suicidal, but it's an extremely common tactic for manipulative people to use after a breakup. What I would say for sure is that you shouldn't allow your own mental health and happiness to come second place to his, his mental health isn't your responsibility.

flamingjune123 · 04/08/2019 11:09

Ok each and every time he states that he is planning to end his life you say ' I'm so unhappy to hear that. But what I have to do now is to phone the police and let them know what you've just said'
You then phone the police and tell them word for word what he's said. You have no further dialogue with him, not one word or text. This situation is then taken out of your hands and I'd predict he'll soon stop making threats. This is the advise given to me in a similar position by the mental health services and police when dealing with a person with BPD

lilmishap · 04/08/2019 11:22

Why is there all this ringing each other going on?. You are exes, STOP RINGING. STOP ANSWERING.
Disengage and detach, you have to be listening for him to threaten suicide and this is all about the threats to him.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 04/08/2019 11:30

Who broke up with who and for what reasons? There's no point in breaking up but still living together, it's messy and just keeps you in whatever situation caused you to break up in the first place. Get the house arrangements sorted and get some distance from him.

Other people have given good advice on how to deal with his threats. Listen to them.

ThatCurlyGirl · 04/08/2019 13:52

Ok each and every time he states that he is planning to end his life you say ' I'm so unhappy to hear that. But what I have to do now is to phone the police and let them know what you've just said' You then phone the police and tell them word for word what he's said. You have no further dialogue with him, not one word or text.

@flamingjune123 is ABSOLUTELY 100% right with the above - if you feel unable to ignore calls and disengage then this is then the only other option that doesn't enable him.

Please listen to voices of reason like those of @flamingjune123 - this is the genuinely loving thing to do. I know it feels impossible and cold to ignore someone behaving this way so that advice is the absolute next best thing to do. Thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
Littleteacup1 · 04/08/2019 14:49

Thanks for all the advice had police call to question me on him and I haven’t heard from him all day trying not to ask where he is or check he’s ok but I know it will make things worse I need to stay calm and think about me

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 04/08/2019 15:00

You're doing brilliantly - the first day with no contact is the hardest and the fact you haven't heard from him is likely a sign the police method is going to work (and usually surprisingly quickly).

You are not responsible for his life and even if he feels you are, it's kind to act in a way that allows him to take control of his own life.

Walking away is the kindest thing to do for you and him.

If you have a moment of weakness and are tempted to check in on him then maybe post on here for some reassurance that no contact is the best option.

Well done OP you're doing well Thanks

prawnsword · 04/08/2019 15:09

You need to cut this person out like a cancer

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 04/08/2019 15:24

Those PPs who are saying people who are really suicidal won't shout it from the rooftops aren't necessarily right.. my stepmum threatened it every time my dad went to work or they argued.
One day she said it and he came home to her hanging in the garage.
The times before were cries for help and my dad was told the same as PPs have stated "she'll never do it etc etc, she's being manipulative"

OP it's not your battle to fight and I don't suggest you get back with him but if you split amicably then treat him as you would a friend. I'd call the police ASAP whether he's in immediate danger or not they'll contact the relevant organisations.
Has he ever had a CPN or another type of social worker who you could contact?

Original poster
Littleteacup1 · 04/08/2019 15:34

Police contacted me they went round he was asleep they spoke to him he didn’t want to speak much but that’s him down to a t won’t except help they contacted local mental health team but for now not much they can do

OP posts:
Isatis · 04/08/2019 15:46

Does the story about the branch breaking come from him? Because, unless you can see evidence such as rope marks, I'd be sceptical.

You really need to pass this on to the police, social services and mental health services. Tell him you've split up permanently and you both need to move on with your lives, and block all communications with him. His reactions after that are his responsibility, not yours.

prawnsword · 04/08/2019 15:48

But even if they do succeed, it IS manipulative because they are trying to get you to do what they want (ie not abandon them). Until you have been held at random by a Borderline Personality you don’t understand. All you can do is put up firm boundaries & not allow them to emotionally play you like a fiddle.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 04/08/2019 16:45

Fear of abandonment is one of the "on paper" signs of Borderline Personanlity Disorder so not surprising he is making threats of suicide in a bid to keep you with him.
Wow police are great help aren't they - not!
Makes me wonder if they even bothered contacting the crisis team.

I feel for you OP it's not a nice situation to be in at all.

Whatisinaname1 · 04/08/2019 19:26

He's manipulative. All you can do is give police any details, cut him off and focus on yourself or your mental health will deteriorate.

MinistryOfTragic · 04/08/2019 19:40

I feel for you, my ex used to do this to me. He would send texts saying he was going to kill himself, several more after about things he wanted for his funeral and child and then not answer calls or texts. He would send them to me, his parents and close friends too. After I finally walked away from him (he dumped me and I just wouldn't take him back that final time) he told me he was going to kill himself again, but only after he'd sent letters to everyone telling them that it was my fault. Deranged if he thought I wouldn't keep the messages as proof of his intentions just in case.

You can't let yourself be manipulated like this. It's awful what's happening to you but please remember that he's not your responsibility.

ControversialFerret · 04/08/2019 19:48

You need to block his number now that you know he's alive and well - and was quite happily asleep whilst you were sitting worrying about him.

The fact that he was asleep shows you that the threats of suicide are a tactic to try and manipulate you to make you feel guilty. The best way to deal with this is to not engage - block his number and get on with your life.

Original poster
Littleteacup1 · 05/08/2019 21:34

What do I do now ex has apologised for everything and brought me a mulberry hand bag for each birthdays he’s missed as it’s my birthday today I said I’m returning in it when it turns up I can’t except it but he’s insisting bag isn’t a lot of money to him but still I can’t take a gift that’s worth this much I’ve always wanted one but no it needs to be sent back

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleteacup1 · 05/08/2019 21:34

I told him not to get me one.

OP posts:
Whatisinaname1 · 05/08/2019 21:40

He's manipulating you. Return it and accept no gifts. Block him and break his control.

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/08/2019 21:51

Just refuse the delivery. Don't sign for it. If he turns up with it don't accept it. Leave it on your doorstep.

Don't give him mixed messages or getting you presents will be the new threatening to kill himself.

And then he'll guilt trip you about taking presents from him when you don't want to be together. Don't put yourself in that position.

You really need to make it clear to him that it's over or this one is going to run and run...