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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask brother and sister in law to share a room?

107 replies

SarahJenkins50 · 03/08/2019 09:53

Im beginning to wonder if I’m being unreasonable, but when my brother and his wife come to visit they assume they will have separate rooms because they sleep separately at home due to his snoring. We are fortunate enough to have a spare room but not two! We either put the baby in with us, but she doesn’t sleep as well, or have to put a camp bed up in the living room for my brother which is inconvenient then for us in the morning with an early waking baby! I get that they sleep separately at home, but I would never dream of expecting people to put up two rooms for me, hubby and baby when we visit them even though we sleep in a different room to the baby at home. Is it me or are they being a bit too precious to expect us to put up two spare rooms for them (particularly as they now visit a lot more since we have the baby). Thanks all, have a great weekend!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 03/08/2019 15:07

So your SIL has to endure no sleep as opposed to your Brother being woken up early?

How is that fair?

If you want the visits to stop then insist that they share a room.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2019 15:18

What Coffeeandchocolate9 said

stubbyboardman · 03/08/2019 15:23

If you're prepared to move the baby into your room for the duration of their stay, why can't your brother sleep in the baby's room?

I would do it without hesitation, if you have guests you do whatever is necessary to accommodate them comfortably. I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that one of my guests was having a miserable sleepless night because I wouldn't move a baby who wouldn't notice anyway.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/08/2019 15:27

DH and I have separate rooms at home but never in a million years would I expect anything other than sharing when we are guests in someone else's home!

dementedpixie · 03/08/2019 15:32

DH's snoring has also been cured with a CPAP machine

Original poster
SarahJenkins50 · 03/08/2019 15:55

@stubbyboardman that is just the problem, we have so far moved the baby out of her room but she does notice, she doesn’t settle well at all and then wakes frequently in the night, I guess because she has gotten her routine and knows that something is different she doesn’t relax so well. Either that or she senses we are in the room and wants to play. So it ends up that the three of us get no sleep at all!

OP posts:
PinkFoxglove · 03/08/2019 18:25

I've got a snorer DH. When we stay with friends I take a sleeping bag and kip on the sofa if it gets too bad.
Don't give up the room.

bluekitten7 · 03/08/2019 23:03

@SaraNade

I cannot imagine being married and being in separate bedrooms. To me, that is no marriage at all. There are specialists these days, and treatments, to curb snoring. Even if they have separate bedrooms at home, surely they can be gracious enough to bunk together while they are with you? They sound very selfish and ungrateful. Even if my husband was a heavy snorer, I would put up with it while staying with someone else, because I simply wouldn't dream of putting our host out like that. You just put up with it. End of story.

What a thoroughly nasty, mean-spirited, ignorant post.

There are so many things wrong with it that I don't know where to begin.

Aroundnabout1 · 04/08/2019 00:31

No way would i demand 2 rooms but due to snoring DH i would defo not sleep in same room, earplugs dont work, so i would check into a hotel. Not your problem though, its reasonable to offer one room.

Aroundnabout1 · 04/08/2019 00:33

And its obvious some of the ignorant people on here have never spent a night with a snorer. Well lucky you!

Aroundnabout1 · 04/08/2019 00:36

And proper snorers can be heard through brick walls and the sturdiest earplugs are as much use as a chocolate teapot. Why is it so hard for people to understand that sleeping in same room as a proper snorer = zero sleep.

Weenurse · 04/08/2019 00:40

Let them know in advance that they will need to share a room as baby is getting older and needs her own room and routine.
Mention that routine includes getting up at x time so sleeping on the sofa is out.
‘Giving you a heads up in case you want to book other accommodation rather than sharing a room here.’

Aroundnabout1 · 04/08/2019 00:45

SaraNade:
"You manage it. Everyone else did decades ago, until now. My father overcame it. If two have the will, it can be addressed. If his snoring is keeping you apart, you don't need to just give in and accept it as your lot in life. It can be overcome".
So your Dad obviously wasn't as bad a snorer as my DH.

1forAll74 · 04/08/2019 01:23

Like it or leave it is what I would say, how strange some people are !!

Have you got a shed,or a tent, if so, put one of them in there.

skybluee · 04/08/2019 01:36

I'd let him sleep in the lounge. His wife, by the sound of it, literally has zero sleep in a room with him. How is that any kind of holiday for her, especially when there's a solution?

TooManyPaws · 04/08/2019 01:38

FWIW we are in our thirties and both healthy, it's just that my DH needs a very expensive procedure to fix his septum after badly breaking his nose as a child.

Are you in the UK? I had my septum straightened in my own health board area after two broken noses - on the NHS. It caused a problem and was fixed. Mind you, I probably need both nasal sinuses rebored again now.

skybluee · 04/08/2019 01:38

BTW I find that "everyone dealt with it decades ago" really sad because ultimately what that means is the woman's sleep was completely undervalued and she just had to put up and shut up, basically.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/08/2019 02:19

This sounds like a lack of candid communication. If you're not prepared to move the lounge around or have your DC in your room (and that's not unreasonable of you) then you just need to tell them (before they come) "It would be lovely to have you but we no longer have the space to accommodate you in separate rooms anymore." and see if they are prepared to squish in together or if they'll get a hotel room or not come.

If your SiL can't sleep when they're in the same room I think YABU to think they should just do it because it's what you would do. That would appear to means your SiL should just put up with not sleeping which seems pretty unreasonable. And if they know you are aware and you have always provided them with separate sleeping areas in the past I don't think it was unreasonable for them to assume you knew they still needed separate sleeping spaces after the baby was born. It's not as though they were expecting you to give up your beds, they were happy with ad-hoc lounge sleeping arrangements. It seems like they just want to be able to sleep at night.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/08/2019 02:19

And yy skybluee

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 02:39

The first time they came to stay after the baby was born I wasn’t focused on sleeping arrangements so just took their stuff to the spare room and my sister in law asked later where my brother was sleeping that night so it seemed obvious from that that it wouldn’t be with her. I just looked a bit confused and said I wasn’t sure and we weren’t really set up anywhere else and she said the living room would be fine

Your SIL is a cheeky f^*

mathanxiety · 04/08/2019 02:41

...its obvious some of the ignorant people on here have never spent a night with a snorer.

Agree.
Nights with a snorer are long, long nights.

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/08/2019 02:55

I wouldn't move the baby out of her room. If it were a one-time thing, I'd probably move her out and suffer through it for a night or two, but since this is a situation that comes up again and again, you're not unreasonable to refuse ruining everyone's sleep every time they visit.

It seems you have two options: Accept the inconvenience of BIL sleeping in the lounge (and get him to do most of the moving of the furniture, if he's not already), or warn them in advance that you only have one guest room, knowing that you'll then have to explicitly refuse use of the lounge and that they may end up staying at a hotel.

No matter how strange or unreasonable it may seem to anyone else, if SIL can't/won't sleep in the same room as her husband, that's just the way it is.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 04/08/2019 05:31

I expect that SaraNade is like me - growing up with a parent who snores like a train, I'm immune to it. I actually find it comforting to listen to an awful snorer.

But the difference between us is I have the imagination to see how others find it unbearable...

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 04/08/2019 07:33

Instead of telling them what to do, explain your problem and ask them what they would like to do?
E.g. If your BIL says he doesn't mind being stepped over in the early morning, take him at his word. They are going to be much more adept at dealing with this issue than you as they are forced to every time they are away.

Aroundnabout1 · 04/08/2019 08:13

Sorry if already answered but 2 questions:

  1. Why can he not sleep on the sofa?
  2. If you haven't got a sofa, can you not buy a little foldy up bed and just put it in the living room when you all go to bed. Why would all the furniture have to be moved?
Those people who use the word "compromise" are wrong. When you sleep with a full blown snorer there is no compromise, the snorer sleeps and the other person gets ZERO sleep. Where is the compromise? A loud snorer snores ALL NIGHT so you dont get a few hours, here and there, there is no compromise, you get ZERO SLEEP. Wearing the earplugs doesnt make any difference. Why is it so hard for people to understand? Maybe those with the lack of empatby should try bunking up for 7 nights in a row with a pneumatic drill?