Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask brother and sister in law to share a room?

107 replies

SarahJenkins50 · 03/08/2019 09:53

Im beginning to wonder if I’m being unreasonable, but when my brother and his wife come to visit they assume they will have separate rooms because they sleep separately at home due to his snoring. We are fortunate enough to have a spare room but not two! We either put the baby in with us, but she doesn’t sleep as well, or have to put a camp bed up in the living room for my brother which is inconvenient then for us in the morning with an early waking baby! I get that they sleep separately at home, but I would never dream of expecting people to put up two rooms for me, hubby and baby when we visit them even though we sleep in a different room to the baby at home. Is it me or are they being a bit too precious to expect us to put up two spare rooms for them (particularly as they now visit a lot more since we have the baby). Thanks all, have a great weekend!

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 03/08/2019 10:40

Well if you’ve always done it, it’s hardky unreasonable of them to assume you’re fine doing it

Once again another thread that simply requires the OP to speak to their family member that’s annoying them.

Definitely just a call/text along the lines of ‘I expect you’ve worked it out for yourself already, but just in case you’d rather bring earplugs, you two will need to share the guest room as ‘bsny’ Is in the other and it’s not convenient to have people sleeping in the lounge with ‘baby’ being up through the night/an early riser

YWNBU to ‘tell’ them that sharing a room is their only option if they want to stay

Oldraver · 03/08/2019 10:41

YANBU

My folks sleep in seperate rooms and frequently on holiday book a two room place. I once made the mistake of giving my Mum the second spare room which is the play room and needs a bit of converting. The next time I was too busy so put them in the same room and she had a bit of a hisy fit.

They now share the same bed ALL the time if they want to come here

Butchyrestingface · 03/08/2019 10:42

when my brother and his wife come to visit they assume they will have separate rooms because they sleep separately at home due to his snoring.

What has actually been said?

MamaLazarou · 03/08/2019 10:43

As other posters have said, I bet they share a room when they're paying for a hotel! YANBU.

Chamomileteaplease · 03/08/2019 10:50

Or you could let your brother sleep in the living room but make no allowances in the morning and just get on with your day at whatever early time that might be.

4Smalls · 03/08/2019 10:50

Why not talk it through with them? It's your brother after all and it's nice that they want to visit and be part of your family's life. Maybe there's some kind of compromise you guys can work out eg putting up camp bed in living room but he/she has to put up with the baby making noise early in the morning. Or put the camp bed in baby's room? Have they explicitly stated they must have two rooms? It's really worth talking this through with them before you get too resentful (and your resentment is understandable).

YetAnotherSpartacus · 03/08/2019 10:53

We always book a hotel or B&B. However, the opposite is true. People don't understand why we won't stay and sleep in the same bed and are often offended that we choose a hotel.

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/08/2019 10:55

As previous posters have said just tel them you only have one spare room now as the other room is your baby’s. If they don’t like it they can book a B&B or whatever

4Smalls · 03/08/2019 10:59

PS - we have one set of relatives who do exactly this when they come to visit us and it does drive me up the wall. But they are good humored and apologetic about it and as I really like them I do move our daughter when they come. We're all very open about it though and I tell them they're a pain in the backside. I'd prefer a bit of bother to them not coming at all. I think it would be quite hostile to tell them to go stay in a hotel (something people on mumsnet are always very quick to recommend). And the fact is that if they sleep in the same room my cousin will literally not sleep all night because her husband is a fog horn.

Winebottle · 03/08/2019 11:04

I don't think it is an unreasonable request from them. I would do the camp bed thing. If it is a little inconvenient in the morning for a day or two, I would deal with that to accommodate guests.

I like family visiting so I would try to be hospitable. You treat people like you are doing them a favour by letting them stay and tell them if they don't like it, get a hotel, they probably won't bother coming.

FreshAprilStart · 03/08/2019 11:15

What I love about MN is the insight into the batshittery of other people

Original poster
SarahJenkins50 · 03/08/2019 11:22

Thank you everyone for all your responses, I’m relieved to hear it’s not me because DH said I shouldn’t raise it with them as they just won’t share a room. The thing is, they DO book separate rooms on holiday. They have never complained because I’ve never tried to put them in separate rooms. The first time they came to stay after the baby was born I wasn’t focused on sleeping arrangements so just took their stuff to the spare room and my sister in law asked later where my brother was sleeping that night so it seemed obvious from that that it wouldn’t be with her. I just looked a bit confused and said I wasn’t sure and we weren’t really set up anywhere else and she said the living room would be fine. My brother doesn’t care about being on the floor, he wouldn’t complain it’s just that it’s a massive hassle to move furniture etc every time. I do get the problem with not being able to sleep, I’m a really light sleeper but I just figure that’s the price you pay for not being in your own environment? I’ll certainly have to raise it if we ever have any more kids! Grin

OP posts:
fedup21 · 03/08/2019 11:24

Sounds like he’s expecting to sleep in the lounge then!

Original poster
SarahJenkins50 · 03/08/2019 11:38

Thank you 4Smalls, I’m with you I think it would be easier if we could make a bit of a joke about it and I suspect I’d feel better if they ever said “I know we are being a pain in the $rse”. Like others have said I don’t really want to ask them to stay in a hotel as it feels rude to me, and we also wouldn’t see them which is a shame. I think it’s the assumption that what they want they get which bothers me most, without having any sort of short term compromise. This is making me remember that when we moved the baby out of our room at six months old and were asked why we had done that When it was clear it affected sleeping arrangements!

OP posts:
alittlequinnie · 03/08/2019 11:52

My husband and I don't share a room at home.

We always book separate rooms on holiday - well, we usually book a three bed caravan so we can have a room each and a room between us becasue his snoring is so loud.

When we stay with relatives I would try and try to share a room with him but in all honesty it's impossible - I just get no sleep whatsoever and I'm a grumpy cow the next day which doens't go down well but I just can't deal with no sleep.

Eventually we opened up about it and he would get the one bedroom and I would take the sofa.

If people do make the effort to try to put us in separate areas then I love them to death and want to visit them more. if they can't give us a room each though, no problem we can book hotel etc.

For the all the people saying "bet they share in a hotel" we simply just don't. There's no point in going away if you are not going to get any sleep - doens't make for a fun time does it?

SaraNade · 03/08/2019 12:12

I cannot imagine being married and being in separate bedrooms. To me, that is no marriage at all. There are specialists these days, and treatments, to curb snoring. Even if they have separate bedrooms at home, surely they can be gracious enough to bunk together while they are with you? They sound very selfish and ungrateful. Even if my husband was a heavy snorer, I would put up with it while staying with someone else, because I simply wouldn't dream of putting our host out like that. You just put up with it. End of story.

Rainbunny · 03/08/2019 12:12

Another one here who sleeps in a separate room from my DH at home and we always get separate rooms on holiday. We opt for Airbnb or rental homes for this very reason! When we stay with relatives we either airbnb or fortunately stay in separate bedrooms at the PILs.

For all the posters saying "he needs to go to the doctor" I love the implied assumption that there could be a easy or complete cure to snoring- there isn't! Treatments might help but rarely, if ever fix the issue completely. FWIW we are in our thirties and both healthy, it's just that my DH needs a very expensive procedure to fix his septum after badly breaking his nose as a child. We bend over backwards to not inconvenience others if we are visiting, in fact we reduce visits which causes grumbles of us not caring enough about family etc. It's actually miserable to not be able to sleep with my DH, I adore him and would love nothing more than to be able to share a bed with him. Until you've been on this situation it's easy to dismiss it as "deal with it and use some earplugs."

70sWitch · 03/08/2019 12:40

cannot imagine being married and being in separate bedrooms. To me, that is no marriage at all. There are specialists these days, and treatments, to curb snoring. Even if they have separate bedrooms at home, surely they can be gracious enough to bunk together while they are with you? They sound very selfish and ungrateful. Even if my husband was a heavy snorer, I would put up with it while staying with someone else, because I simply wouldn't dream of putting our host out like that. You just put up with it. End of story.

Spoken from a place of blissful ignorance.

Sleep deprivation is a common torture device for a reason. Until you've been through it, you have no idea.

DH and I would rather go to a hotel, however, than put our relatives and their new baby to any trouble. Just talk to them.

chipsandgin · 03/08/2019 12:46

Spoken from a place of blissful ignorance

Totally agree! Until you've spent a day having not slept (whilst away and being sociable) then another and another until you can barely see or think straight from tiredness then you really can't judge!

I do and would always understand if hosts expect us to share & wouldn't put them (or a baby) out over it. If my kids are in a different room I'll often go in and share with them after lights out just to get a bit of kip!

SaraNade · 03/08/2019 13:25

Sorry, no blissful ignorance here. Just a no-nonsense get on with it attitude. My father snored like a bloody chainsaw. Almost fans and windows level rattling around (though I understand some spouses get used to it and eventually don't really notice it after awhile) level.
Especially if he had a few. But my mum put up with it. Because that is what people did in those days. None of this separate bedroom stuff. You work it out. You seek medical help (which is covered via the health system if it is a medical condition affecting your sleep/wellbeing) or find ways. CPAP. Operation. Exercises. You manage it. Everyone else did decades ago, until now. My father overcame it. If two have the will, it can be addressed. If his snoring is keeping you apart, you don't need to just give in and accept it as your lot in life. It can be overcome.

tatasa · 03/08/2019 14:20

DH snores like a pneumatic drill, so I've long kicked him out of our room. However we expect when we are guests elsewhere we share. Also if we have guests he moves back into mine.

EggysMom · 03/08/2019 14:38

I snore like a drain. DH wears earplugs. No problem.

PuzzledObserver · 03/08/2019 14:49

@Rainbunny For all the posters saying "he needs to go to the doctor" I love the implied assumption that there could be a easy or complete cure to snoring- there isn't!

Roughly half of snorers are simple or primary snorers. The other half have untreated sleep apnoea. For the first half - yes, it’s complicated and no easy solution. Sorry to hear your DP is in that category. The other half will be helped by a CPAP machine and as a bonus they will dramatically reduce their risk of heart attack and stroke.

So it’s worth asking for investigation, if you have a severe snorer in your life, because there’s a 50/50 chance of an easy fix.

KUGA · 03/08/2019 14:56

Other than asking them to share the same room.
Why not offer the sofa?.
If they decline,hotel.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 03/08/2019 15:06

So, is DB being in the lounge a viable option for you or not?

I'd get him to help move the furniture and put it back for daytime use. I'd spell it out in a no nonsense, of course you're being reasonable way during arrangements - "obviously now baby (and us) is/are in need of unbroken sleep, I'm not going to be able to move him out of his room. You're welcome to come and stay and if you can get by with earplugs in the same bed that would be easiest for me to host. If not DB is welcome to the lounge floor again, I'm just going to need him to help by moving the furniture and know that I'll be up and in the early with the baby. Looking forward to seeing you!"