AIBU to feel resentful of this?

[Notmyname1988]

Hi all. Had my first baby 11 weeks ago, as I'm sure many can relate to, it's a super overwhelming time, hormones and emotions everywhere and not to mention the sheer exhaustion. My partners mum has a terminal diagnosis of cancer and has been living with this for 3 years, she lives 4 hours from us with her husband and we always make the effort to visit etc. And generally ensure she's got lots of our attention.
So, I had the baby on a Thursday and Friday night they came down to visit (stayed in a hotel nearby - small mercies). They stayed until Monday and over the weekend were sat in our living room all day long. We had to make them tea, cook for them and wash up. Admittedly his mum doesn't have lots of energy, so obviously she can't help much. But his dad....! His dad is very able bodied, only 60 and could have helped. The entire weekend I was bleeding, in pain, knackered, overwhelmed but we were hosting them while they sat and lay down on my sofa. It was a bad week in terms of his mums treatment where she had withdrawals from medication, she knew she would feel this way but came down anyway. If they had waited just a week then she would have been in much better health. So, on the Sunday his mum is crying whilst we are eating dinner as she knows she won't see her grandchild grow up (her 4th). I am completely sympathetic to this, I can't imagine how terrible it must be living with cancer and not knowing what the future will bring. However, I feel really really resentful that my first weekend as a new mum was like this. I wanted to be happy and excited and most of all, wanted my partner to be happy. Instead he was in tears because of how upset his mum was. It felt like being ill massively trumped me just having a baby and any attention or focus was on her. She's had our focus for 3 years and I just wanted to enjoy the time. Even in the weeks after, his mum would text pictures of herself looking really unwell and say how ill she was feeling. She never did this whilst I was pregnant, and again I feel its put a cloud over my partners happiness.
As you can imagine I'm too ashamed to say this out loud to anyone I know. I feel horrible and like a complete bitch to feel this way. But I feel like every time I look back on the first weekend of my babies life I just see my partner crying, being stressed and us cooking 3 meals a day for his parents. I'm bracing myself for negative comments here!

Oh love! That sounds shit. You're hormones are all over the place and emotions are heightened. Try to relax and enjoy your time with your new baby. It's a difficult time for everyone so be careful you don't say something to DH, in the moment, that you might regret later

You're going to have a thousand weekends with your child. She's going to be pushing up the daisies soon. That is the cold, hard truth.

You seem sensible and grounded and you know ^^ this too.

You or DP were quite capable of telling his dad to pull his finger out. Mil does sound a bit dramatic tho'

Don't dwell on it OP. .

TBH I dont "get" this twee 'my little fam-lee" shit that is espoused. Families are more complex than 2+1, they are wide, spread, generational and blended. Everyone needs to get right over themselves and stop mithering on.

No fucking words, honestly. Your only saving grace is tiredness may not be allowing you to think straight. Please don't share this with your dh.

I am sure someone will be along to be your cheerleader but from me, know I think you are being beyond selfish and cold hearted. You will hopefully have a king and happy life with your child. Your mil is facing leaving her family, the don she birthed, her dh, grandchildren. If you can't see that or don't care because it would ruin your little bubble... Jeez. This is my first post today and may need another overdue mn break.

I would never say this to my partner by the way. I'm supportive, even if you don't think I sound it. You can call me names if it makes you feel good but you don't know me or my character.

Don’t tell your dh but you are entitled to feel this way privately

My mil also has terminal cancer and 3 years ago my fil died of it It’s shit and it does affect the family around massively too. And makes life’s miserable

I totally understand.

My DM died from cancer 5 years before I had DS. I would give a limb to have had her lounging around on my sofa during the first few days of me having him.

You have a lifetime to "make memories" with your pfb, she doesn't.

YABVVVU

I get it OP. The first few weeks of having your first baby are so full of mixed emotions, the high of having the baby and the lows of the worry whether you're 'doing it right' and the sleep deprivation.
I remember my mil producing a raw duck the day after i gave birth and expecting me to cook it for her. Luckily, I didn't! But it stays with me.
I think your feelings a valid, (after all, all feelings are). You've done the right thing by not sharing these feelings with your dh, he has enough going on for him.
I also think that as time goes on and you feel less emotionally raw, these feelings of being cheated will diminish, but you're right, she did sour your first few days with your new baby. You can feel cheated and compassionate at the same time.

I do see your point, but I think your judgement is a bit clouded. We buried a parent just before I gave birth to my first. All they wanted was to stay with us for two more weeks to meet the baby. I would give anything for that to have happened. No matter how sick and grumpy they would have been, how much extra work it would have made for me and that the focus would not have been on the new baby. Your husband might have been sad for baby’s first weekend, but he will be so happy in the future that he got to spend it with his mother. And he will be grateful for your support.

Thank you. My mum has had cancer twice too, it's fucking horrible. For 3 years I've been supportive, I sent her a package with goodies in to help her through chemo a few months back, my idea not my partners. I'm not a bad person but I can't shake the resentment. Maybe I'm romanticising the first weekend too much? I wanted my partner to feel some happiness of our first (and only) child together, I didn't want him crying and hurt and being reminded of the sadness of his life. I just wish they had come down a week later. The type of cancer she has means she hasn't been given a time frame as lots live for over 10 years with it, so waiting wouldn't have been a problem.

I can see how looking at this post without knowing all the ins and outs looks really heartless and cold. I'm sorry if Ive offended anyone.

She probably feared that she might not make the next week, so wanted to have at least this experience before going. Knowing you could go any day must be a horrible experience. You and your OH gave her one last experience that was incredibly precious to her, surely that overcomes the difficult week you had?

Why being eaten up by resentment? It happened, it 2asnt how you imagined your first week with baby but its now in the past. Try to put yourself in her shoes rather than brewing on your feelings.

I think you are romanticising the first weekend. In reality, it's hard, you feel like shit and you have no idea what you're doing. Shake off the resentment, it'll only wind you up.

Lots suddenly get very ill very quickly too.
Be prepared for more upset and unhappiness, because that's what cancer does to families.

Presumably DH Dad is taking care of his DM all the time, therefore this weekend was also a break for him?

I get you were tired and sore, but nothing wrong with your DH. TBH it comes across as pathetic whinging about the first weekend being ruined when DH mum is dying. Why does it matter whether it's her 4th or 40th GC, she won't see them grow up. Think about how your DH feels in all this, it isn't all about you.

I get it OP, you’re tired, in pain and feeling very happy with your new baby but you feel you have to suppress your feelings because her illness trumps anything you’re going through.

YANBU to feel this way privately, we all think things to ourselves that we know we can’t share out loud.

Yabu, you're jealous that a dying woman took attention away from you. You could have at any point asked fil to help or asked them to leave for a while if they had a hotel room. Or asked them to wait a week before visiting.

What do you think parents do with second/third babies? They come home and get on with life.

For your own good, I think you need to really try and drawer a line under your expectations of that first week with your new baby not being what you hoped/wanted. That time has gone. Moving forward, you have a beautiful baby who has taken you and your partner onto a new level of relationship, love and family. Focus on that and make memories worth looking back on in the future. Dwelling on that first week, when it was clearly not a positive experience for you isnt healthy. Especially combined with lack of sleep and hormones ect.

I get where you're coming from. Doesn't matter how i word the next bit it'll come out horrible. I had to go out visiting some body on my first day out of hospital with my first, glad I did to see their face but I get it, you kind of feel like your special bit is taken away if that makes sense, those first few weeks are like being in a magic bubble with your first baby when you sleep when you can, eat whatever and just try to get through the days..I swore I wouldn't put anyone else before me when I had another, I think I was a bit braver but didn't quite say no to every visitor, plus you feel shit, you're bleeding, possibly a load of stitches (I did) and your boobs are sore so you want to be in your PJ's. 😁
Just wanted to say I don't think you are a bad person for feeling like this at all, just as others said don't say anything to your husband as it may sound bitter and it could get thrown back at you when she passes xx

Honestly, it’s your hormones that are making you feel like this. In years to come you will look back and be thankful that you had this (possibly last) weekend with your baby and their grandma. (And yes his dad was a lazy arse, but he’s probably exhausted from looking after her so cut him a bit of slack too).

Making memories isn’t always pretty and shiny and Instagram-worthy. Sometimes it’s sad and heartbreaking, but it’s still a memory worth making.

You will probably get your arse handed to you and lots of projecting from MNers who have lost a parent but I think YANBU to feel this way privately, although you would definitely be U to voice it. As you say, for the last three years you have been supportive and understanding and you clearly care about your MIL. It's not wrong to want some pleasant memories of your first couple of days home with your baby or for your DP to be able to have the same. Also, the fact that your MIL is going through something horrendous doesn't change the fact that you have just given birth or make that any easier.

Your MIL getting emotional about not seeing her GC grow up is perfectly understandable and to be expected but choosing to send your DP pics of herself looking unwell in the days following the birth of his baby is unfair on him IMO. I'm not for a minute suggesting she should feel the need to pretend to be ok or to lie when asked how she is or anything like that, but actually sending him pictures to illustrate how unwell she is when he is fully aware of how unwell she is, that seems unnecessary and almost designed to make him feel guilty. I also don't understand why they thought it was appropriate for you and your DP to be cooking all their meals for them having just brought a new baby home from the hospital as presumably when they're at home they manage to feed themselves despite your MIL's condition.

Congratulations on your new baby

The more I read this post the more I think about how truly horrible you sound here. Imagine living with terminal cancer, not knowing when you will die but that you will. She's losing everything, so is DH Dad by the way. Ever give a thought to how he is doing.
I don't think I've ever read a post that's made me shake my head in disbelief as much as this.

Totally agree with your post minister

Yes you sound like a bitch. Hope its just hormones. Poor woman is dying fgs!! You will have many years of happiness with your new baby!

Oh OP, you're all having an awful time. You poor thing. I don't think you're selfish at all - you did everything you could to support all of them at a time you are raw, tired, hormonal and had little to give. PPs are massively overlooking that when they call you selfish.

People stop looking at the secret feelings she has disclosed anonymously to strangers and no one else. Look at her actions, what she is actually doing. She's done a bloody good job.

I think your feelings make a lot of sense. The fact that you overcame your feelings and put others first shows how strong and selfless you are.

Congratulations on surviving a hard time. Congratulations on the baby.

I don't know if it will help but When you meet more new mums you'll find out that their first days and weeks were horrendous, painful, lonely etc for all kinds of reasons. I think you are romanticising the idea of the first weekend being this dreamy lovely time- for most people it's not. So please don't feel like you missed out on too much. Having a crap first week is actually common.

Enjoy your baby as much as you can. Roll with the punches as much as you can. Find happiness for yourself and your DH wherever you can.

Folk are jumping in and being very harsh here.

You haven't shared these thoughts with anyone in real life and have come here to work through them - really good idea if people tried to understand a little.

It is a terrible situation but for that one weekend there should have been consideration for you as just having given birth.

As much as the focus is on a person with terminal cancer there is still life to be lived. After three years to have just one weekend should have been managed - also for her son who has just become a parent.

For your own sake you do need to let go of what you thought that weekend would be like. It would be so easy going forward to focus on that weekend and the disappointment you feel and build it up to bigger than it is. Your hormones are all over the place.

I forgot how old baby is now but what about planning a nice weekend just the three of you in the house for the whole weekend? Jammies, ready meals, film when baby sleeping?