AIBU to feel resentful of this?

[Notmyname1988]

Hi all. Had my first baby 11 weeks ago, as I'm sure many can relate to, it's a super overwhelming time, hormones and emotions everywhere and not to mention the sheer exhaustion. My partners mum has a terminal diagnosis of cancer and has been living with this for 3 years, she lives 4 hours from us with her husband and we always make the effort to visit etc. And generally ensure she's got lots of our attention.
So, I had the baby on a Thursday and Friday night they came down to visit (stayed in a hotel nearby - small mercies). They stayed until Monday and over the weekend were sat in our living room all day long. We had to make them tea, cook for them and wash up. Admittedly his mum doesn't have lots of energy, so obviously she can't help much. But his dad....! His dad is very able bodied, only 60 and could have helped. The entire weekend I was bleeding, in pain, knackered, overwhelmed but we were hosting them while they sat and lay down on my sofa. It was a bad week in terms of his mums treatment where she had withdrawals from medication, she knew she would feel this way but came down anyway. If they had waited just a week then she would have been in much better health. So, on the Sunday his mum is crying whilst we are eating dinner as she knows she won't see her grandchild grow up (her 4th). I am completely sympathetic to this, I can't imagine how terrible it must be living with cancer and not knowing what the future will bring. However, I feel really really resentful that my first weekend as a new mum was like this. I wanted to be happy and excited and most of all, wanted my partner to be happy. Instead he was in tears because of how upset his mum was. It felt like being ill massively trumped me just having a baby and any attention or focus was on her. She's had our focus for 3 years and I just wanted to enjoy the time. Even in the weeks after, his mum would text pictures of herself looking really unwell and say how ill she was feeling. She never did this whilst I was pregnant, and again I feel its put a cloud over my partners happiness.
As you can imagine I'm too ashamed to say this out loud to anyone I know. I feel horrible and like a complete bitch to feel this way. But I feel like every time I look back on the first weekend of my babies life I just see my partner crying, being stressed and us cooking 3 meals a day for his parents. I'm bracing myself for negative comments here!

I expect a mix of responses really. Of course I can't articulate everything in a couple of messages but in no way to I want to 'trump' her cancer as one said, or am the baby equivalent of bridezilla.
I felt it was hard on my partner seeing his mum so upset and he was genuinely in a quandary for some time after the birth of how to feel. Without meaning to sound heartless, when he doesn't see his mum and dad for a little while although it's always there in the back of his mind, he is able to feel OK and find joy in things. It was just an overwhelming time of exhaustion, elation, excitement and obviously sadness and worry. I think if the inlaws had waited another week then it would have been different. My partner spent the next few weeks feeling really down and guilty for feeling happy about our lg. Its a complex situation, more so than I can articulate here really.
I love his parents and am happy to help out and support them and my dp, of course I am. And I'm not an attention seeker kind of person, far from it. I just think it was too much, we've been supportive for 3, nearly 4 years and I suppose I just for one weekend needed that support back. My partner couldn't support me that weekend, he just couldn't and that was hard. I'm definitely more the 'carer' in our relationship and just needed that role reversed for a few days while I recovered. Anyone who has a baby for the first time will remember how overwhelming it all is. Not to mention that I was having trouble breast feeding too.
People who are criticising me have every right to feel that way based on the info. I've given. I won't be taking it to heart as upon reflection I know that I'm not being unreasonable as I am caring, empathetic and not a bad person for feeling how I did.
We've been up to see them 4 times since the first weekend and they've been down again too. So we are getting lots of quality time together. I have had a quiet word with dp about trying to encourage his dad to do a little more when he comes down. We are very much the hosts and make all drinks and meals. Fine without a baby, but very difficult with one.
I'll leave it there now, but thanks very much for taking the time to reply. Even if I don't agree with what you've said, I still appreciate the input x

So you know you are wrong to feel like this, and indeed, it is incredibly self-indulging and self-centered considering the situation.

It's your mind frame you need to change. Instead of focusing on how things were taken away from you that week and resent it, focus your mind on what you gave to someone else who very much needed it.

My parents came and stayed with me for a week a couple of days after my first was born, and I too would have preferred they hadn't come, but at the same time, it was nice that we were all there celebrating the new addition to the family. 20 years later and I don't remember the tiredness and feeling frustrated, I look at the pictures and remember how special it was for all of us to be so happy to have this new little baby in our lives.

I agree that it is probably your hormones talking.

I completely agree with you, OP, and it is totally understandable that you feel this way.

I can totally see where you are coming from. It’s a complicated situation, but that weekend sounded awful.

Your partner and his dad could have made it easier by taking over all the housework etc. All food should have been ordered in and even if his dad is a bit useless he could have made cups of tea etc.

Your mil was having a difficult time and probably didn’t think about the impact on everyone else. But my heart goes out to her.

This reminds me of a lady who posted her some time ago who went to the hospital to visit her husbands new baby niece and talKed about her daughter who had died some years ago. She was in pain, but the new mother and her mil were angry that she made the visit about her and upset everyone, however he posted was in pain.

Huge sympathies all round.

Glad your mil is doing better

Thanks again. My own mum has had cancer twice and I know how painful it is for the sufferer, I really do. I've send packages of goodies, been on the phone any time, message every day etc. But I think for that one weekend I just needed some care myself. That was all, but it is done and I'm grateful for the responses as it's allowed me to let go a little now and just move on as much as I can from that. Thanks for helping me work out my feelings privately. Really appreciate it. Have a lovely Sunday everyone. X

I think posters were being far too harsh, @Notmyname1988. I agree that you were perhaps romanticising the first weekend home and I think you accept you were being unreasonable there.

However, there is no way that a woman who has just given birth and is still bleeding, in pain and exhausted should have to play host to 3 other people when there are two fit and able adults in that mix! Your husband and perhaps more so his father should have taken on chores such as cooking and washing up during their stay. They obviously manage in their own home, notwithstanding your MiL's health.

The fact that you have just had a baby was completely disregarded and you needed looking after. I barely did anything apart from looking after them in the first few weeks after having DDs. Some women would have had such a rough time they wouldn't physically be able to host guests, so what would FIL have done then?

Sure, women have babies every day but we don't individually have babies every day, it is a very special and precious life event. The way women give birth and the immediate days after, if traumatic, can affect them and their children adversely for a long time, causing severe depression and other serious physical and mental illness.

People get ill and die every day as well, so should also it be dismissed as easily as birth, as other posters have?

Just because you are very ill, it doesn't give you, or your immediate relatives a trump card to ride roughshod over the feelings of anyone else, especially those who are also in a vulnerable place, albeit temporarily. It also doesn't make you a saint, if someone was an arse before they were ill, they will probably be even more of an arse when they are ill.

So you know you are wrong to feel like this, and indeed, it is incredibly self-indulging and self-centred considering the situation.

Bollocks. Considering ops mil had been ill for 3 years it was incredibly self-indulging and self-centred to make the birth of her son’s first child all about her. Op said herself both she and her DH were mightily upset by her behaviour for a considerable time after. Had her death been imminent, the whole atmosphere and situation would have been entirely different.

Exactly, MummyofLittleDragon. Completely agree.

God, imagine having cancer and reading this, wondering if everyone was secretly resenting you for making life hard for them when you visit.

Op, I really, really get how hard those first weeks are. It's an unfair situation all round, there's no escaping that, but the fact you're still dwelling on that visit 5 months later is a bit weird. The men here definitely should be stepping up.

Oh and don't be afraid to be pragmatic in future visits. Take dd out for a short walk while your dh makes dinner etc. Say you need to pop out for loo roll if you need to!

God, imagine having cancer and reading this, wondering if everyone was secretly resenting you for making life hard for them when you visit.

If you visit someone who has literally pushed a baby out of her vagina 2 minutes earlier on their first weekend home when you're ill, infirm, unable to help and then spend the visit lying on the couch crying, you ARE making life harder for them. A new mother in those circumstances would have to be a saint not to have wished her in laws could have pushed their visit back a week.

OP herself states that that she and her partner had been very solicitous of her MiL for the previous duration of her illness and the circumstances described pertain to only one weekend after she had given birth, they don't reflect her feelings towards her MiL generally.

Agree with mummyoflittledragon I can see this from the OP side having your first baby is overwhelming enough but add the physical and emotional stress of having ill PIL visiting straight away. Why couldn’t the MIL rejoice in having the opportunity to meet her new grandchild for the sake of her son if not herself.

I completely agree with you op, with everything you've said. It is possible to be ill and selfish at the same time

Fair play to you for visiting so regularly with a small baby, that is very decent of you.

shearwater
I thought exactly the same about your post. Totally on the nail.

Columbo
Exactly. She could have just rejoiced for her ds even if it was through tears and lots of emotion instead of making it about her.

OP...you are GUILTY!!!! of being human. Shame on you. You're bad, bad, bad. I'm sending the thought police around to arrest you right now. You should keep a tighter grip on your emotions and never think anything other than lovely pink, kind, generous fluffy thoughts about everyone or everything regardless of hormones or circumstance. If you don't...well, beware the wrath of the mighty MN keyboard warriors.

Thank you for the updates, OP but unfortunately you will get lots of people who haven't RTFT and can't be bothered to read your updates jumping on the bandwagon to berate you and add to the chorus of "but she's DYING!!"
The fact that you have never verbalised your thoughts to anyone IRL, have spent years supporting your PIL and continue to do so with a newborn in tow, the fact that despite how you were feeling that first weekend you resigned yourself to running round after them, cooking their meals and fetching their drinks without complaint despite being exhausted and in pain from the birth all means nothing. Because apparently you're the only person on MN who will admit to having had a less than selfless thought when exhausted, in pain and dealing with raging post-birth hormones

"Its a complex situation, more so than I can articulate here really."

You've just summed up living with cancer.

The Cancer charities are big on support for the whole family.

As are Carers charities.

There's a hell of a lot of guilt all round and believe me this will hit you when she goes. The emotional roller-coaster is vast. Life incidents like birth, or other deaths in the family, further impact on everyone's feelings.

" "God, imagine having cancer and reading this, wondering if everyone was secretly resenting you" "

Many of my relatives have died from Cancer including my Mum and DH. I've had it and was useless (after being a carer and the mainstay in the family) and you do go through waves of guilt for 'being a burden'.

You examine your lifestyle and go through a bit of 'what i should have done to not be in this position'. It's worse if you're overweight, smoke etc.

OP, your just on that emotional roller-coaster from two major life events.

You'll eventually get off it again.

I don't think if they'd have waited a week it would have made the difference that you think. But you do focus on stuff like thus post birth.

yanbu

I would also feel like this. However, on the practical side - We had to make them tea, cook for them and wash up

No - you really didn't. Certainly not you anyway. DH and FIL can do it all or it just won't happen.

YANBU, why on earth did she think coming to visit directly after you've had your first baby was a good idea, especially if she couldn't help but instead needed you to help her.

I was an exhausted wreck for weeks after having my first. Unless she was given a very very short time to live I think she was selfish and could have waited a week or two for you to recover and get used to the new baby.

Also no need to be sending her son photos of how unwell she is.

I also think you're allowed to feel however you feel. And being a new mum whacks things all over the place.

Mumsnetters can be incredibly mean when with a slight scenario change they'd be saying the complete opposite.

In any other scenario those rabid posters insulting you would be on here bitching about being mistreated if it was them in your situation.They came and imposed on you as a brand new first time mother. Your husband failed both you and your baby. He could've said "Look,we just had the baby you can come next week" or something along those lines.

Thank you, it's really appreciated. Of course if she had very little time to live I'd never even have these thoughts. We've always known she would have up to 15 years but obviously the treatment she was on was really wiping her out every other week. The timing wasn't ideal as I really needed to rest. My own mum came over 3 days afterwards and had time with the baby but also made me a cup of tea. I just wish the father in law had done that. I know it wasnt malicious, just thoughtless really.