AIBU to feel resentful of this?

[Notmyname1988]

Hi all. Had my first baby 11 weeks ago, as I'm sure many can relate to, it's a super overwhelming time, hormones and emotions everywhere and not to mention the sheer exhaustion. My partners mum has a terminal diagnosis of cancer and has been living with this for 3 years, she lives 4 hours from us with her husband and we always make the effort to visit etc. And generally ensure she's got lots of our attention.
So, I had the baby on a Thursday and Friday night they came down to visit (stayed in a hotel nearby - small mercies). They stayed until Monday and over the weekend were sat in our living room all day long. We had to make them tea, cook for them and wash up. Admittedly his mum doesn't have lots of energy, so obviously she can't help much. But his dad....! His dad is very able bodied, only 60 and could have helped. The entire weekend I was bleeding, in pain, knackered, overwhelmed but we were hosting them while they sat and lay down on my sofa. It was a bad week in terms of his mums treatment where she had withdrawals from medication, she knew she would feel this way but came down anyway. If they had waited just a week then she would have been in much better health. So, on the Sunday his mum is crying whilst we are eating dinner as she knows she won't see her grandchild grow up (her 4th). I am completely sympathetic to this, I can't imagine how terrible it must be living with cancer and not knowing what the future will bring. However, I feel really really resentful that my first weekend as a new mum was like this. I wanted to be happy and excited and most of all, wanted my partner to be happy. Instead he was in tears because of how upset his mum was. It felt like being ill massively trumped me just having a baby and any attention or focus was on her. She's had our focus for 3 years and I just wanted to enjoy the time. Even in the weeks after, his mum would text pictures of herself looking really unwell and say how ill she was feeling. She never did this whilst I was pregnant, and again I feel its put a cloud over my partners happiness.
As you can imagine I'm too ashamed to say this out loud to anyone I know. I feel horrible and like a complete bitch to feel this way. But I feel like every time I look back on the first weekend of my babies life I just see my partner crying, being stressed and us cooking 3 meals a day for his parents. I'm bracing myself for negative comments here!

I honestly think most of your feelings are the hormones

You're entitled to feel exactly as you feel. You're not a horrible person to be annoyed by this. What makes you a good person is that you've kept it all to yourself because you know she's going through a hard time. I honestly think it's partly the hormones, everyone wants to squirrel away with their newborn for the first few weeks.
I remember crying my eyes out and flinging the phone because my mum berated me for not getting my cousin a birthday card, two weeks after a cesarean and I could barely walk for days. I got her presents! But no, the lack of card deemed me a terrible person. That and my mum was following me around making sure I was making tea for everyone too. My husband got pissed and told me to sit down as he would make tea. Tbh I think others should have offered to help you or just ordered takeaways the whole weekend. Do that next time! The sleepy stage doesn't last forever and the baby might be more demanding in a few months so you don't want to go through a repeat of this.

Hi, sorry I didn't post again for a while. I found some of the comments hard to take and I wanted to reflect for a while and consider if I'm being unreasonable.
Now my lg is 5 months old, I still look back and feel fairly resentful of that weekend if I'm honest but I do know it's not the end of the world. Mother in law is in fairly good health at the mo. She will in all likelihood live for many years to come with the type of cancer she has. Her treatment has worked really well and has depleted the cancer she has significantly which is fantastic.
They've been down again since the first weekend. I think I need to resign myself to the fact that when they visit they like to be hosted and have 3 meals a day cooked and don't want to explore, and would rather stay in the house. I find it difficult especially with the baby as she's not a brilliant sleeper but it's only for a few weekends a year.
I am very sorry if I offended anyone with my original post. I will never tell my dp how I feel about that first weekend nor will I tell anyone in rl. I just needed somewhere safe to put down my thoughts.
It was a really tough first weekend, made harder by hosting 2 extra people and seeing my dp so down. But it's in the past and atleast his mums health is good at the mo etc.
Thanks to those who commented, I do appreciate it. X

“It felt like being ill massively trumped me just having a baby and any attention or focus was on her.” I should bloody well hope the focus was on her. She’s DYING! Literally can’t believe the selfishness and cruelty of your post.

Oh OP. I remember this post and felt for you as you must have been exhausted, the last thing you wanted to do was help as carer with a new baby while bleeding and in pain.

In all honesty, your dp and his dad should have stepped up and done everything between them. Instead what seemed to happen is you pitched in with hosting, let fil sit on his arse (though he probably wanted a break too) and it became about which of you got more 'attention' - the new mum or the dying granny.

Sorry love, but the fact that you're still resentful months later says to me that you were jealous that your dp's mum stole your spotlight. You were the baby equivalent of bridezilla, and are still bitter that you weren't the centre of attention when I can't imagine how your dp's mum must have been feeling. Sick, exhausted, nostalgic, terrified, resigned... Your attitude really is awful. She couldn't help being sick and nothing in life is timed perfectly. It is not her fault her illness clashed with your PFB coming into the world. Please look at yourself.

@ShipShapeandBristolFashion

Did you even read the OPs update?

It sounds like MILs treatment have worked better than expected and she is no longer "dying". We're all slowly dying if you want to get really pedantic.

OP you need to be more assertive when they visit. "here's the kettle, help yourself" etc.

Get your DH to run around after them. Or he can have a word with them about pitching in when they stay.

Of course OP is still resentful, she had a newborn and was expected to host all weekend. All she needed was bed rest and cuddles with the baby. It doesn't matter how ill MIL was, her DH shouldn't have let this happen. DH and FIL should have stepped up and didn't.

Her resentment is directed at mil though, not at dp and fil. Saying if she'd waited a week to come visit then she would have been in better health because of meds withdrawal. Saying they expect to be 'hosted' and stay indoors. Saying she sent photos of herself to dp looking ill. The emotions she must have been going through once the baby had arrived are beyond imagination. She's staring both death and new life straight in the face. Op is whining that 'any attention and focus was on her' but where's the compassion from her side?

I don't think its unreasonable to expect MIL to have waited a week and been slightly better.

The resentment might be directed at the wrong person, however I'm reading that OP is resentful of MIL, FIL and DHs actions.

OP is probably less inclined to be compassionate now MIL has years to live and comes to OPs house and expects to be waited on.
Her initial compassion was probably lost in a total hormone filled bubble with a day old baby. I don't blame OP for that at all.

Well just think you won’t have to deal with her for much longer and then ALL the attention will be on you!

Absolutely no words for this

I have terminal cancer and often have upsetting thoughts like that at really happy times. But I wouldn’t put it on other people like that, especially a new mum. I have a wallow sometimes in self pity and reach out to friends and family for support, so I’m not all brave face.

What’s done is done though. Absolutely no point looking back on that time with sadness. There will be small happy moments you can pick out. Focus on them.

Also there would have been nothing wrong with expressing your exhaustion and pain,you are all family and she obviously felt able to say what she was feeling.

You really should have told FIL to pull his finger out, or at least your DP. Make a resolution to not let him get away with it again.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

RTFT

My Dad has terminal cancer and he would never behave like that. My Dad has always held things together for all of our sakes and I'm so proud of him. Having said that, if I had just had a baby and he came to stay and ended up crying I would feel nothing but sympathy for him. I can't even imagine feeling any kind of resentment towards someone who is dying and is crying over the thought of not seeing the baby growing up. That's an entirely different level of selfishness and my brain just doesn't operate that way

Il be honest as your little one grows you will forget I honestly cant remember the first weekend home. It's a blur of sleepless nights, feeding, bursting into tears ect. You love your little one and have so many more weekends and a lifetime of firsts to experience. It will just fade in time , your mil and your husband were very emotional even if she hadn't come I think your husband would still have felt the loss to be honest. Be kind to everyone involved their family is suffering and it must be horrific to be told you will die and just have to live waiting for it to happen , your family scared that what if it spreads , you get an infection ect. Enjoy your baby and I really dont think you will think of this as time goes on.

Get off your high horses and read the update and stop insulting the op ffs.

YANBU OP, people can still behave badly if they are ill - cancer doesn’t make them into a saint. It wasn’t the time to put you out and expect you to host, it just wasn’t.

People being critical of the OP and taking what they see as the moral high ground seem to have a fairly simplistic view of things. It’s not so black and white. And the OP was already quite reflective about situation so doesn’t deserve such criticism.

Yes I think YABVU but like you say we don't know the full story and I'm sure tiredness and hormones aren't helping. Try to forget about that first week and enjoy your new baby x

My experience of people with terminal cancer is not how you describe your mil. That weekend sounds awful. I woulda left my dh and fil to do all the work and sat around on the sofa with mil, breastfeeding my new born all day. Glad youre feeling better.

Why isn’t DH cooking these 3 x meals per day?

Time to start limiting visits in what would be a ‘normal’ situation. She might live for another 20 years!

OP, I just wanted to say that you should feel free to ignore all the comments about what a terrible person you are for feeling this way. Perhaps there really are people in the world who are always entirely selfless and never have a bad feeling about anyone even when they're exhausted and hormonal but god knows I'm not one of them. I'm lucky to have a tacit agreement with my mum that we can share all the horrible, unreasonable feelings we have about things with each other and not be judged - gets it out, gets a bit of sympathy (even if not really warranted!) and then you can move forward a bit lighter.

As life has gone on I've taken the view that you never need to beat yourself up about having emotions that don't cover you in saintly glory. What really matters is how you actually act to others. In this case you haven't burdened your DP with feelings about his mother, to have generously hosted and waited on his parents immediately after having a baby (I think I would have drawn the line there, but I'm not as nice as you!) and you've quietly got on with things. Have an A+ from me.

I agree it's time to let it go now. The only person negatively affected by holding onto it is you and that's a bit rubbish. Wishing you and your family all the best.

No there is no need to apologise. Every person, who has responded negatively here has quite probably not faced chronic or terminal illness. It is completely different to have an ill or dead relative.

Your mil behaved terribly badly. She had been ill for 3 years. It would not have hurt to visit when you were more on your feet. And she should not have made it all about her. If she wanted a cry, she should have excused herself and asked your FIL to take her for a drive and a talk for example.

I say this as someone, who has both lost a father as a child (teen) so I know what it is to not have a parent around for my adulthood let alone to meet my child and as someone, who has been chronically ill for almost a decade. I know what it is to face my mortality and actually to feel so ill for a long period that I want to die. So no, I would not have made it all about me. The fact that your mil is a lot better and still expects to be waited on hand and foot plus the selfishness of your FIL really tells you a lot about their view of the world.

Cancer is a shit disease. But it isn’t the shittiest illness in the world, which trumps all others and excuses all unpleasant behaviour.

You have spent three years being sp supportive and wanted one joyous weekend with your first baby. That is understandable but I agree with others that you have over romanticised it. First weekends with babies are often tough.

Is it possible that you are resentful of the situation rather than your MIL? And you are just projecting your frustration onto her? As humans, we tend to need someone to blame, rather than a situation to blame. And all of the goody two shoes on here who have been calling you selfish/coldhearted and been way too harsh will have no doubt been in a situation where they have taken their anger at something out on the wrong person.

That sounds bad, notmyname. I would suggest to your husband that, in future, he could ask his dad to help him serving, sorting out plates, washing up. Which means husband would be doing most of the entertaining and our lovely op is 'laying in', putting in an appearance with the baby and taking it easy - whilst looking and smelling beautiful having had a leisurely bath and hair wash earlier in the day and putting on nice, crisp new pretty leisure wear/pyjamas.

What a lovely day that would be - and quite achievable.

You sound like a really nice pair btw. Congratulations on your baby.

Honestly you need to find a way to let this go. Most parents don’t get a perfect, calm idealised introduction to parenthood. My twins were taken straight to nicu when they were born and one had to stay for two months, swiftly followed by nearly two weeks in the children’s HDU. The other was only in for 17 days. I feel sad about a lot of the things that most parents take for granted - holding their baby when they’re born, feeding them, taking them home etc. Both of my boys are disabled and I sometimes feel angry or sad about the way things are. It does you no favours.

I honestly think you’re looking at it wrong. My mum died before I got pregnant. Had the boys been born while she was still alive and having treatment etc I’d have wanted her to spend as much time as possible with them. Sometimes it hits me so hard that she never knew they’d exist, never see them or hold them. You’ve given her a wonderful gift, spending time with her grandchild. You have those memories and hopefully you have photos to show your child if their GM dies before they remember her (I know you said she’s doing well now, that’s how these things go - sadly it won’t stay that way longterm if they’ve told you it’s incurable / terminal, no one prepared me for this). Those are the things that matter.

Yes, your DH and FIL should have stepped up, but I’m sure it was very difficult for them emotionally too.

You’re all lucky to have had this time together. I would try and see it this way.

I don’t remember a single first weekend from any of my 4 children,I was to busy parenting them.
How would you feel if your mum was the one diying??
You didn’t have to sit there and hoast ,you could of gone to bed ,to nap when baby naps ,your dh was more than capeable for looking after his parents
Women have babies every second of the day ,the world does not stop while they do ..nor does it stop for you
Your child’s grandmother is diying
Just take a moment and think about the impact on your child regarding that ,never mind the poor woman herself.
I hope you took lots of photos of her with her grandchild for the future,if not ,make sure you do.
And yes diying trumps having a baby 100%

OP herself said that her MIL had a terminal diagnosis which means at that time she was expected to live for less than 6 months. It’s great that she’s doing better now but at best she has additional time, something to be celebrated, not used against her.