AIBU to feel resentful of this?

[Notmyname1988]

Hi all. Had my first baby 11 weeks ago, as I'm sure many can relate to, it's a super overwhelming time, hormones and emotions everywhere and not to mention the sheer exhaustion. My partners mum has a terminal diagnosis of cancer and has been living with this for 3 years, she lives 4 hours from us with her husband and we always make the effort to visit etc. And generally ensure she's got lots of our attention.
So, I had the baby on a Thursday and Friday night they came down to visit (stayed in a hotel nearby - small mercies). They stayed until Monday and over the weekend were sat in our living room all day long. We had to make them tea, cook for them and wash up. Admittedly his mum doesn't have lots of energy, so obviously she can't help much. But his dad....! His dad is very able bodied, only 60 and could have helped. The entire weekend I was bleeding, in pain, knackered, overwhelmed but we were hosting them while they sat and lay down on my sofa. It was a bad week in terms of his mums treatment where she had withdrawals from medication, she knew she would feel this way but came down anyway. If they had waited just a week then she would have been in much better health. So, on the Sunday his mum is crying whilst we are eating dinner as she knows she won't see her grandchild grow up (her 4th). I am completely sympathetic to this, I can't imagine how terrible it must be living with cancer and not knowing what the future will bring. However, I feel really really resentful that my first weekend as a new mum was like this. I wanted to be happy and excited and most of all, wanted my partner to be happy. Instead he was in tears because of how upset his mum was. It felt like being ill massively trumped me just having a baby and any attention or focus was on her. She's had our focus for 3 years and I just wanted to enjoy the time. Even in the weeks after, his mum would text pictures of herself looking really unwell and say how ill she was feeling. She never did this whilst I was pregnant, and again I feel its put a cloud over my partners happiness.
As you can imagine I'm too ashamed to say this out loud to anyone I know. I feel horrible and like a complete bitch to feel this way. But I feel like every time I look back on the first weekend of my babies life I just see my partner crying, being stressed and us cooking 3 meals a day for his parents. I'm bracing myself for negative comments here!

I can understand. Sometimes it's ok to just want things the way you want things and not have to put your feelings to one side because society says so.

@OrangeJellySpread what an awful thing to say to a new mum just trying to make sense of her feelings.

I think it's good you've not shared this in real life. Your in-laws clearly wanted to come down and see the baby, yes it was difficult and maybe your father in law should have helped out more, but I think you should try to move on.

You have a life time if weekends with your child. Your husband's mother will soon no longer be with you. Try to accept that although it's difficult she is not doing anything to personally penalise you.

You really need to understand this is not about you. As much as you feel it should have been, it was not.

I’m trying to understand and would never be harsh to a new mum as hormones run riot and you don’t realise you are being unreasonable, but you really are. All new mums have it tough, they all bleed, they are all exhausted their is nothing romantic about being a new parent. DS was born in a bubble of grief as DFIL died of cancer the week he was born. You will enjoy so many other firsts that this honestly won’t matter, be kind to your DH, never voice these thoughts as he will never forget that’s how you felt.

I do get where you’re coming from; I think your mil could have allowed your DH his happiness in his new baby as he would have had those feelings at the back of his mind anyway.
I also think it was quite rude of your fil not to be more helpful when they were at yours. As PP has said they obviously manage to look after themselves at home and I don’t think anyone could expect that visiting new parents with a newborn would be a rest for them.
I also agree that looking back you can romanticise how that first weekend with your baby would have been when the reality is that it probably would have been hard either way.
I know from experience that when a family member had terminal cancer everything revolves around them which is right but also it’s not unreasonable to want your own moment and sometimes things to be about you.

YANBU. Yes, it's a really tough time for your MIL and I'm sure you totally understand and empathise. But you all know how unwell she is and really don't need to be reminded especially at such a happy time.

Explain youre feeling tired so will be in bed resting. Tell them to help themselves to cereal and bread in the kitchen. If you're running out ask FIL to pop to corner shop for top up. Im sure your husband can cook dinner for a couple of nights. You need looking after right now. You shouldn't be looking after guests!!!

Well she is dying... I can understand being pissed off at your FIL but you are being really unreasonable to resent a sick woman. Cancer definitely trumps childbirth.

.Your mil didn’t choose to have cancer. I’m sorry you feel like it’s getting in the way of your pfb time. Deep down I’m sure you know ybvu. It’s fine to say on here but please don’t say this out loud to anyone. Especially your dh.

As for your dh crying, the poor man is emotional as he realises his dm will never get to see his child grow up. Surely you can understand how emotional that is? It’s just a sad and horrible time for them all. It’s 10 weeks later and you still haven’t let it go.

You need to snap out of this as your dh will resent you if he finds out you’re feeling this way.

You really need to understand this is not about you. As much as you feel it should have been, it was not.

Since OP had literally just given birth maybe it should have been about her just a little bit, even for one day. OP accepts that it's only right that the family's attention and support has been entirely focused on her MIL for the past three years since her diagnosis but it's only natural for her to wish she had been allowed some time to recover and enjoy bonding with her newborn immediately after the birth.

You're definitely romanticising the first weekend. Why is the first weekend important at all? Presumably your DH was on paternity anyway?

I had PND so spent the first weekend howling and saying I wanted to die. Should my DH resent me because it ruined the first weekend?

What about all the mums who are still in hospital?

I understand feeling upset at the time because it's a time of sleep deprivation and hormones. But you really need to let this to now. You've missed out on nothing. That first weekend was probably always going to be shit, you were in pain and shattered.

Maybe I'm romanticising the first weekend too much?

You are. We spent the first weekend with a newborn staring at each other blearily thinking “wtf have we done?”

My mum has terminal cancer and i’m grateful for every weekend she gets to spend with my son, and grateful for the extra work my husband does so we can have her visit. The thought that she won’t get to see my son even start school, never mind grow up, makes me very sad and I try not to get upset in front of her, which usually means I have a cry to my husband once we’ve gone to bed at night. I’m sure that’s shit for him and he would rather not have to comfort me while I cry, but we got into this for better or worse and right now this is what we’re dealing with.

Gosh people are being really harsh here.

If I understood correctly she has a terminal diagnosis but it is realistic that she could live for 10 years. She has had this diagnosis for 3 years. This is a reality that the family is dealing with long term.

This is a marathon not a sprint. They cannot be devastated and tending to MIL at the expense of all else for 10 years. It is not sustainable, fair or healthy for anyone.

A lot of life will happen in 10 years. Other people's life events and needs matter as well. Having your first baby is a big deal. It's incredibly hard on OP that she was not allowed to stop for even one week and focus on herself and her baby.^^

This family will be depleted before long if they are putting pressure on themselves to maintain this level of attention and priority to MIL for a decade.

Of course MIL needs compassion and support- and it sounds like she's getting it!! That doesn't mean no one else is allowed to be in need of compassion and support for the foreseeable.

Absolutely what @WishingILivedOnAnIsland said ^

Your mil is living with cancer, your family is living with cancer. There is still a life to be lived even if it is in the shadow of cancer.

It is absolutely not wrong of you to have wanted an 'ideal' perfect week with DH and DC.

It IS wrong of you to voice this to DH, as he is having a harder time emotionally as it's his mother, his wife and his father that are suffering, and he has to try to keep everyone stable and as happy as they can be at the moment.

Unfortunately LIFE isn't perfect, nor is it easy, and trying for the 'perfect' anything will just lead to heartbreak !

Life is about making the most of what you've got, and you've got a lot really. You have a DH (many don't or are in abusive relationships etc), you have a loving and caring PIL, (lots have none or have crap PIL etc), you have a perfect little baby ( lots cannot conceive, have babies with disabilities etc), and it sounds like you had a straightforward birth too ( lots of women have horrendous complications, bleed out or have emergency C sections etc).

Please start thinking 'cup half full' instead of dwelling on what's not 'perfect' therefore 'cup half empty' ! You've got a lot of fantastic things in your life, so appreciate them. It won't be long before life gets hard again, so try to enjoy what you've got , while you've got it !

Wishing you and all your family the very best. xx

You poor thing - you’re right, you can never tell your DH but you did the right thing. Don’t apologise for thinking this - others would, but would never be honest and admit it.

Completely agree, Wishing.

Oh the hypocrisy of MN. Should the mil have acted like that for any reason other than cancer you all would have been telling op that she should go nc because mil was toxic.
The fact op is unlucky enough to have someone in her life with cancer does not usurp her right to be allowed to recover from childbirth however she wants!
It's attitudes like the ones above that are keeping women's rights over their own bodies and environments during and around child birth in the dark ages.
We are meant to be supporting one another and some of these comments to an already hormonal and vulnerable person are vile!
I've lost some very close family members and friends to cancer, some of which I grieve everyday that they didn't get to meet my beautiful ds so I do understand how hard and horrible it is.
But it's not the case that this weekend was the difference between mil getting to meet the baby or not. So a few extra days for op to enjoy her bubble and recover without having to cook and host 2 extra people, 1of which was in a bad place due to her treatment, would not have been a huge ask and op should definately not be vilified for having wanted it!
OP YDDDNBU! I'm sending you hugs because I can only imagine how your feeling after reading some of the previous posts!

Good post witsend

Op I have a nearly 2 year old and another on the way. Honestly I couldn’t tell you how we spent the first weekend or even the first 6 weeks. It’s all a blur between feeding and sleepless nights.

Imagine that your child has now grown up and you have been diagnosed with cancer and you are going to leave him/her soon...and also a new baby...you would want to spend every single second you could with them. Maybe she thought she wouldn’t make it to meet the child. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in others shoes.

I know having a baby and hormones are hard but just try to remember she won’t be here forever and that your husband really does need your support more than ever.

Take care xx

I think your mil acted terribly. My dad was dying when my child was born. He died when they were 5 months old. He would never have acted like that, I can't believe a mother would upset their son like that, making him cry when he's just had a baby. My parents did nothing but try to protect me and allow me to have and enjoy a special time with my family, including my dad. That certainly didn't involve any wallowing on his part in front of me. I can understand. Xx

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You should have been able to enjoy your first week as a new mum in a little family bubble and I'm sorry that you couldn't.

My family has to travel to see us and will usually stay over but when we have brought each of our children home from hospital they have only visited briefly (an hour or two) when we first came home.

It is not unreasonable not to want grandparents sitting on your sofa for two days when you have just come home. As they were in a hotel anyway they should have visited for an hour and then left it at that. Or if it was too much effort to visit for an hour then left it until another week.

To all the posters giving you a hard time would they intend to set up camp in their children's house when they become new parents and bring their baby home and remain there for several days - whether ill or not? Of course if gran were in her final days and otherwise wouldn't get to meet the little one it's different but that is not the case.

Unfortunately the first week is gone and you can't do anything about it but you can make special times going forward.

I don't agree with the "no visitors and/or no one sees my child until they go to school" brigade but I am frequently shocked MUMSnet at how unkind and incredibly dismissive people can be to [other] first time Mums and their post-birth hopes and disappointments.

I have lost two immediate family members to cancer, one quite recently, so I know all too well how it works.

In the same way OP would never actually voice her feelings, it's a shame her MIL wasn't so circumspect.

My mum died of terminal brain cancer. I had a rush wedding so she could attend, she died 2 and bit months later. I find it a bit painful looking at my wedding pictures as she looks ill and not very like her as she's wearing a wig and she did odd things like take her shoes off in the photos as her brain had started to fail.

I get it. don't feel guilty for how you feel but I agree you shouldn't share it with your partner. You/dh should have asked FIL to help with things though.

OP, YANBU. That doesn't mean your MIL is being unreasonable either. Her priority should have been to see you DC. Not to spend days with you being her maid. As a mother herself she should have known this.

I'm sorry. The first days are so precious. I'm aware her diagnosis is terminal bit until she is end of life, she could have waited. As for your DFIL...He should have know better...but then again, his wife is going to die soon...Cancer is a bastard. I've lost 2 of the closest people to me in the last couple of years and I can confirm that cancer makes the sufferer a bastard as well as those closest to them. That's the honest truth. They don't mean it. It just is what it is.

Just keep in mind that you'll have your precious DC for years to come and their GM spent a significant amount of time with them in their first days xxx