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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Sick mother and I shouldn’t have to comfort my DH?

112 replies

WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 06:52

Not sure why I’m posting this because I don’t imagine I’m being unreasonable. Suppose I just need to vent about people who think it’s all about them.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a really shit few days. I’ve been with her the whole time and she’s been in an incredible amount of pain, nausea, stress etc. I’m fucking exhausted. My husband was initially good(ish) about it. But now it’s all about him. He “so tired”, “so worried”. I know him. He wants compassion from me. He’s now angry with me because I’m not comforting him sufficiently. I’m keeping it together for my mother’s sake, but surely... surely... I don’t have to have fall over myself trying to make him feel better.

More to the point, surely my mother shouldn’t have to either. He somehow manages to make himself the victim so we all fawn over “poor” him. Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest... something that he’s had plenty of as it is.

WTF?

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 03/08/2019 06:54

I presume you will be divorced in the next 5 years.

Brittany2019 · 03/08/2019 06:57

Urgh. Just ignore the gobshite.

ememem84 · 03/08/2019 06:58

Ddad does this. The minute Dm mentions grandma needs something or she’s not doing so well ddad goes into all about him mode.

He’ll get a cold/chest infection. Start worrying about everything. Complain about feeling ill. Etc.

They’ve been married for 43 years though so Dm expects it now. Still hurts to see him play this though.

I have however noticed dh doing this recently. So need to squash it soon.

MrsMozartMkII · 03/08/2019 06:59

Tell him to grow up and to stop being a selfish shit.

I hope your mum comes through this okay lass.

user1474894224 · 03/08/2019 07:00

No it's not about him. My DH would need lots of sympathy if he is a little out of sorts...think man flu etc, or he stubbed his toe recently - which does really hurt and was very black - we heard about it a lot. Lol. Bit in this instance even he wouldn't try to deflect attention. He wouldn't be able to deal with hospital as it's really not his thing bit is grown up enough to know when to shit up.

I would be very blunt next time he says something. 'Don't forget this isn't about you, it my mum we need to worry about.' and at home in private 'my mum is very ill, I'm worried whether or not she's going to live. I spend all day keeping it together for her, looking after her, supporting her. When I get home the least I need is your support and not you draining me too.'

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:00

@ColaFreezePop It’s not just him though, is it. A friend of hers totally disregarded her wishes not to visit her in the hospital and turned up anyway. Really upset my mum. I saw the friend later and all she could do was tell me about her own health issues. I’m very sorry about her health issues, but I have to say I don’t give too much of a shit right now given my own mother has cancer FFS.

What is with people? Seriously? Is there a name for this?

OP posts:
MRex · 03/08/2019 07:00

What does he say when you tell him "Your role is to support my mum and I, neither of us have the extra emotional energy to be dealing with your complaints right now."?

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:04

@ememem84 So both your dad does it and your husband? That’s great, isn’t it. My husband has done it before and his own mother has tremendous form for it. But I thought there was a limit and potentially cancer was it. Last night I got so angry. He put his head down on the table in sadness that I didn’t understand how much her diagnosis had affected him. I looked him dead in the eye and asked him if he seriously expected me to comfort him through MY mother’s diagnosis. He just threw a tantrum.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 03/08/2019 07:06

He's the last thing you need right now.

Tell him to grow up or fuck off.

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:08

Oh, and my DB (same mother) who tends to go on long rants and himself just carried on about a relatively minor and very temporary health issue he had years ago. I actually hung up on him. My mother didn’t but just rolled her eyes. Fucking men.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/08/2019 07:09

So sorry for what’s happening with your Mum OP

Your dh sounds like a complete twat tbh

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:09

@MRex I tried to say that but he says “She’s my mother too.” Fascinating. Because even if I liked his mother I would never be so stupid as to believe her being (genuinely) sick would affect me as much as it would him.

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 03/08/2019 07:11

Your H is a twat. A horrible selfish manbaby.
I am so sorry about your mum. I went through the same with mine and it was absolutely harrowing. And my DH was very supportive, how dare yours make things harder for you!

Shoxfordian · 03/08/2019 07:12

He sounds like a knob, he should be there for you both now, not trying to make it all about him. Is he selfish like this in other ways too? I'm sorry about your Mum

mummmy2017 · 03/08/2019 07:13

Give him jobs.
Can you go buy. Xyz.?
Agree with him, then ask for a hug.
You need to redirect him.

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:14

I actually don’t know why I’m posting this as it’s not really a surprise for me. I saw it all before when my late partner had cancer and remember how shocked I was at how many of his friends and family shamelessly made it about themselves. I guess I just don’t understand it and it’s brought up bad memories of that time, and of how bad times bring out shitty traits in people when they should bring out their strengths instead. Feel like I’ll never understand it.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 03/08/2019 07:15

That's awful OP. You are doing the right thing calling him out on it. If he needs to be comforted he should seek it elsewhere and not from those in the epicentre of the situation.

AuntieAvocado · 03/08/2019 07:17

I’m sorry your mother is so ill. It’s a horrible stressful time for you.

So I wouldn’t make any snap decisions.

But honestly I’d be questioning the marriage. A spouse who can’t support you in bad times, who in fact is an extra drain on you.....that’s not really the point of marriage.

You might need to be really blunt with him. This is not about him, and you need his support.

Original poster
WeatherSchmeather · 03/08/2019 07:18

@SnuggyBuggy I know, right. But the thing is I am expecting his bloody mother to now invent an imaginary illness and add to the nightmare rather than provide an outlet and support for him. It’s what she does. I’m so certain of it happening I would almost bet my life on it. It’s just a matter of time.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 03/08/2019 07:18

There's a thing about this - ring theory - which sets out how you should offer comfort to the people closer to the trauma than you, and save your complaining for people more removed. But there's some people who think of themselves as always being the worst affected by any trauma. Selfish fuckers.

Etino · 03/08/2019 07:21

@WeatherSchmeather Flowers

GreyhoundzRool · 03/08/2019 07:23

That’s just awful OP. One of my mothers friends did it when my mother died - phoned up, presumably to give condolences but then proceeded to tell me how much she was affected by my mothers death. I just didn’t want to hear it.

You definitely shouldn’t need to take on supporting your husband- just concentrate on your mum if you can

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/08/2019 07:23

A simple not now darling! should suffice,If he asks what you mean just say its not about you love and I have no energy to spare for your attention seeking games this time.The next time I get a cold I promise you I will rally quickly and deal with your pnumonia that you will get on the same day but not right now its just not your turn.Treat him like the prat he is.I had this with someone .Everytime I was ill they became more ill and needed attention it was bloody ridiculous and soul destroying.Its a pathetic excuse of emotional games they play...please do not participate in this.If you cannot stand to see his miserable face and listen to his wingeing then tell him to sod off home.This is your time to be strong and do all you can for your lovely mum.He needs to take a back seat and grow up,Sort him out OP or you will resent him forever especially now.I am really sorry to hear about your mum.But you need to tell him to grow a pair of balls and support you right now or t piss off and leave you to deal with it.I wish you and your mum well.

Mermaidoutofwater · 03/08/2019 07:24

I think there is a name for it - grief hijacking. Does he generally need to be the centre of attention?
I’m sorry about your mum OP Flowers

katewhinesalot · 03/08/2019 07:25

Just grey rock him everytime. Explain why he's being unreasonable once then every time he does it just answer "really!" With an eye roll.

Let it wash over you. It's not worth the mental energy.