AIBU Sick mother and I shouldn’t have to comfort my DH?

[WeatherSchmeather]

Not sure why I’m posting this because I don’t imagine I’m being unreasonable. Suppose I just need to vent about people who think it’s all about them.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a really shit few days. I’ve been with her the whole time and she’s been in an incredible amount of pain, nausea, stress etc. I’m fucking exhausted. My husband was initially good(ish) about it. But now it’s all about him. He “so tired”, “so worried”. I know him. He wants compassion from me. He’s now angry with me because I’m not comforting him sufficiently. I’m keeping it together for my mother’s sake, but surely... surely... I don’t have to have fall over myself trying to make him feel better.

More to the point, surely my mother shouldn’t have to either. He somehow manages to make himself the victim so we all fawn over “poor” him. Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest... something that he’s had plenty of as it is.

WTF?

A simple not now darling! should suffice,If he asks what you mean just say its not about you love and I have no energy to spare for your attention seeking games this time

Absolutely bang on! I had to phone a list of people recently to tell them dad had died and to tell them when the funeral is. I actually had to comfort them! I was especially pissed off at a friend who asked if she should go round to mum's, even tho I'd told her mum didn't want visitors. She went round, cried and mum had to comfort her! Like sod off!

@CherrySoup That’s so terrible. Farrrrk. It makes me angry. Maybe there is a sense of power in convincing people to comfort you despite you being in the outer circle.

@InTheHeatofLisbon Thanks. I know you’re not gloating. It’s a nice reality check, because I have been much like your DH when my husband has had to deal with difficulty in his life. So I don’t think it’s expecting the earth to receive the same in return. It’s such a kick in the guts to know I will never experience that level of support in a partner in my lifetime. Really sad.

Luckily I do have some genuinely caring friends who have been in touch with words of support. It’s a bit hard to take given I’m not used to it, but I am very grateful to know they are there.

I have been through this, when dh's mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She had major surgery, and though she recovered well, she developed metastases in her lungs and died.

Yes, I loved her, and I was devastated by her illness and her death - but I understood that my feelings did not matter, and that my role was to support and care for my dh, and also my dses and my dbil - all of whose feelings mattered more than mine.

I read somewhere about a theory of concentric rings that demonstrates this very well. In a traumatic circumstance, there is the person who is directly affected (in this instance, @WeatherSchmeather's mum). In the next ring outwards are her closest relatives - ie the OP and her sibling(s) and her mum's siblings. In the next ring outwards are people like the OP's husband, her sibling(s) partner, and close friends of the OP's mum.

Basically each subsequent ring is people who are not as closely tied to the person in the middle as the next ring in - if that makes sense.

The theory says that support can be requested outwards but should only be expected inwards. So you don't expect people who are closer than you to the centre to be supporting you and making it all about you - you should be supporting them, and looking to the people further out to support you.

The OP's dh needs to understand this. I hope I have explained it well enough that anyone can understand it.

My stbxh is like this. When I had our second child he got a 'terrible cold' and took to his bed. I foolishly ended up looking after him and our 4 year old as well as the newborn and recovering from many many stitches.

Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest...

If I'd had a shocking prognosis and had someone being 'the sick one', I'd want them to feck off as well. I'd say anything to get them to go away, including faux sympathy. Simplest way to get rid of an attention seeker.

He’s an emotional leech and I feel for you op.

@Juells That’s what we did. He was sitting there sighing deeply with a dark expression on his face until we convinced him to leave and get some rest. Once he had gone we rolled our eyes and breathed a sigh of relief we didn’t have to waste our energy on him anymore. My mum could finally relax and fell asleep. How fucked up is that. I bet he told everyone how supportive he had been.

Awful situation for you, but at least you had a bit of a laugh and an eye-roll 😄

We’ve actually had a few laughs together which has been good. There was a recent thread on MN about people’s most embarrassing moments I read out to get some laughs going through this situation. My mother is a difficult person herself and our relationship had been strained so it was good and helpful for her in particular to have the mood lightened somewhat at this time.

You sound amazing OP. You've grasped the situation perfectly.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mother. It's true that these situations can show the essence of people's characters and they can make or break a relationship.

My mother had cancer last year and she sadly passed away. Thankfully dh wasn't a twat or I think I'd be divorcing him right now.

@marvellousnightforamooncup Thanks, but I think you’re giving me too much credit given I’ve had to come in MN and do a poll to see if people really think I am BU. I honestly half expected people to attack me for being unkind.

I read about gaslighting for the first time some years ago, and then recognised my husband was doing it to me. After I snapped recently I told myself it was over. I couldn’t be fooled anymore. But here I am, polling strangers about whether or not I should comfort my husband while my own mother has cancer.

Clearly I still have a long way to go.

Leaving is a process, not an event, though. Right now, you need to conserve your energy and emotions for the situation and support for yourself mother and making sure you are okay

What an absolute arse he is!

I think you should tell the idiot you're married to how his behavior affected your mother and how she rolled her eyes and was grateful to be rid of him once he left

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with nor only a very worrying illness for your mum but also your selfish husband.

Sad to see so many others have experience of this too.

I wonder if it's a way to avoid doing emotional labour?

That’s so terrible. Farrrrk. It makes me angry. Maybe there is a sense of power in convincing people to comfort you despite you being in the outer circle.

I know, I'm going to harden my heart on Monday at the funeral and be distant yet polite. No way can I give sympathy to anyone but my immediate family.

Your husband's behaviour is bizarre and narcissistic. This isn't about him, there's no reason for him to be upset. he should be supporting you not doing amateur dramatics.
I can't imagine wanting a relationship with someone that self centred.

My eyes got opened to this when I was diagnosed with CIN3 precancerous cells and had to have surgery ... cheating exH thought I should be comforting him and couldn’t stop going on about how upset he was about it (despite most likely him having been the cause). That was the last straw and divorce was filed the week of my surgery.
I don’t think people like this can change when their head is stuck that far up their own ass.

@WeatherSchmeather yeah dads the main culprit though.

To be fair to him he was amazing support to Dm when dhrandad died.

It’s just with dgrandma... never mind that Dm supported him with his parents.

There’s always something. And it’s not always Illness. I was with Dm once with dgrandma. We are in Channel Islands. Dgm is in the south west of the U.K.

Dm and I had flown for the weekend. In the build up ddad developed a cold or thought he was getting one. He has chest issues so a cold can and has led to chest infections etc in the past. While we were there ddad called Dm maybe 7/8 times a day. The “best” one was to tell her that a whisk had broken. 🤷‍♀️🙄😳

Dh started it this week. We’ve just had a new baby (dc2) and he mentioned how tired he was.

@Cherrysoup I’m sorry this is happening to you. But don’t harden your heart. Just ignore those grief competitors. Really. Keep your focus on what matters and they will fade into the periphery. I hope it all goes well and so sorry about your loss.

@2Rebecca He’s right be be upset given he gets along with and likes my mum. He’s also ill-equipped to deal with crisis and has never been confronted with cancer before so is likely feeling off-kilter. I get that. But he can’t explain away why he thinks he’s suffering like I am.

I’ve brought my mother home now while we wait for the operations and whatever else is decided about her treatment. Dropped her off and rushed to our place to collect some clothes etc for me so I can stay with her and get some dinner going to bring with me. He heard me come in but took his time in the shower. I was rushing like a mad thing because I didn’t want to leave my mum alone for long while he slowly got himself dressed (I haven’t managed to have a shower for days) then proceeded to get shitty because I hadn’t stopped to give him a warm hello and a hug and see how HE was going.

I again asked him if he really thought it was up to me to comfort him right now. Again he said he was just as upset as I am. I asked if it occurred to him to give ME a hug and ask me how I was going. To perhaps ask what he could do to help with the dinner. To bundle me in the shower and sort our DC and dinner and packing etc.

The drama ensued. It’s all about him, him, him. He even used the situation to try to win a separate battle I won’t go into now because he knows my defences are down. That really infuriated me.

I just grabbed everything, kissed my DC and rushed out again.

Your mum is in the middle of concentric circles. You are in the next circle along with your siblings. Your dh is further out. Everyone looks further out for support. He shouldn't expect support from you as you are in a closer in circle. He needs to look to his own siblings or friends.

It's called narcissism. No one is more important than they are. No one's problems can ever compare to their own. Any attention diverted from them for any reason is intolerable.