AIBU Sick mother and I shouldn’t have to comfort my DH?

[WeatherSchmeather]

Not sure why I’m posting this because I don’t imagine I’m being unreasonable. Suppose I just need to vent about people who think it’s all about them.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a really shit few days. I’ve been with her the whole time and she’s been in an incredible amount of pain, nausea, stress etc. I’m fucking exhausted. My husband was initially good(ish) about it. But now it’s all about him. He “so tired”, “so worried”. I know him. He wants compassion from me. He’s now angry with me because I’m not comforting him sufficiently. I’m keeping it together for my mother’s sake, but surely... surely... I don’t have to have fall over myself trying to make him feel better.

More to the point, surely my mother shouldn’t have to either. He somehow manages to make himself the victim so we all fawn over “poor” him. Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest... something that he’s had plenty of as it is.

WTF?

Even fifteen years on, I find it very difficult to forgive my father for not letting me mourn my mother. I used to go up to the grave to cry because his loss was always greater than mine and i ended up comforting him. At least I could be alone to cry by her grave.

It's purely selfish behaviour, these people suffer much worse than you, don't you know? Because the world revolves around them and your job is simply to support them, not to require it yourself.

Hugs to you.

OP. I think it's gloves off time. Nothing you say to him is going to make any difference. Tell him he's a selfish shit and that from now on, your only priorities are your mum and your dc.

Say he's not welcome to visit your mum, and the only thing you need from him is to hold the fort at home. Any time and energy you spend debating with him now is precious time you could have with your mum, or taking time out to recharge. Just ignore him, and be utterly blunt if he starts any woe is me speeches,

💐

I'm so sorry you and your Mum are going through this. I've recently lost my grandparents to cancer - it really is a terrible disease.

YANBU at all and I can't believe he's making it about himself. He should be there for you and supporting you not acting the victim.

One important thing I was told whilst going through it with my grandparents is make sure you look after yourself. You'll be wanting to support your Mum as much as possible but don't neglect yourself.

@Aquamarine1029 I had wondered if I could put it down to narcissism. He has a lot of narcissistic traits and has shown them in their full glory over the years. But he’s also very prone to self-loathing and lack of confidence. So I’m buggered if I know.

He’s also embellishing things to put him in a good light. He was supposed to work yesterday, for example, then told he he had decided to cancel so he could “help out”. Only it turns out the job was cancelled so it wasn’t even his initiative. He told me this too, so he totally contradicted himself.

*told me he

But he’s also very prone to self-loathing and lack of confidence.

Just another ploy narcissists use to gain your full attention, praise, and concern.

You are not being reasonable. He can't have everything being about him. He needs to step up and support you

Not sure if there is a collective technical name for when people are like this and it's all about them. Personally l keep it simple and just say they are dick heads

Thinking of your Mum and you xx

Yanbu. I am really sorry to hear about your DM, I imagine you're exhausted.
Your DH is looking for a pity party, he needs to put his needs on the back burner and support you.

The description of the shower and him looking for attention sound just like my ex. I do agree with nicenewdusters that there is not much point trying to explain him into better behaviour.
I hope you managed to get a shower and some rest at your mum’s.

Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest... something that he’s had plenty of as it is.

Your Mum has the measure of him. She's politely telling him to bugger off as you know already!
Continue in this way. Get rid of him at every opportunity so that you don't have him around your your Mum.

There is plenty of time in the future to deal with him properly and make plans to leave. Don't waste your energy thinking about him now.