AIBU Sick mother and I shouldn’t have to comfort my DH?

[WeatherSchmeather]

Not sure why I’m posting this because I don’t imagine I’m being unreasonable. Suppose I just need to vent about people who think it’s all about them.

My mother has just been diagnosed with cancer. It’s been a really shit few days. I’ve been with her the whole time and she’s been in an incredible amount of pain, nausea, stress etc. I’m fucking exhausted. My husband was initially good(ish) about it. But now it’s all about him. He “so tired”, “so worried”. I know him. He wants compassion from me. He’s now angry with me because I’m not comforting him sufficiently. I’m keeping it together for my mother’s sake, but surely... surely... I don’t have to have fall over myself trying to make him feel better.

More to the point, surely my mother shouldn’t have to either. He somehow manages to make himself the victim so we all fawn over “poor” him. Even as she lies there in her hospital bed, ashen-faced and with a freshly awful diagnosis, she feels compelled to tell him he should go home and get some rest... something that he’s had plenty of as it is.

WTF?

@mummmy2017 I did this at the hospital. He was bringing us both down so we both insisted he leave. Then we rolled our eyes at him when he did. I’ll give him jobs to do as you suggest.

My DSIL can be like that. It is incredibly annoying but I try to be patient because she is clearly very, very needy. That being said it’s much easier to be patient with someone I only see once or twice a week than it would be if I lived with her.

I think some firm but kind plain speaking is required from you OP.

Thanks for all the flowers everyone. Looks like I’m definitely not being unreasonable by the votes. I’m grey rocking him for now and will give him jobs to do until I get past this difficult initial time. I’ll be bringing this up at our next session with the counsellor and see if she can explain it to him because he just can’t see how unfair he’s being. It’s like we’re talking two totally different languages. The counsellor warned him in our very first session that I had one foot out the door and it was up to him to convince me to stay. Let’s see how he tries to explain away this latest a bit of trivia to her.

My step dad, dh and his own sf all do it.

My ex was like this. I have a theory (warning: amateur psychology to follow). I think for some men, their partner/wife embodies a mother figure as well as a wife. Imagine how a young child feels when their mother is busy tending to the needs of their sibling etc - they fight for the attention. This is exactly what this man-child is doing.

My ex also hated it when I was ill and would also become ill etc. Clearly this is because ‘mothers’ need to always be on hand to tend to the needs of their ‘child’.

Argh I voted wrong. That 1% is me. So sorry... this should be about him supporting you and your mum. Yes he can be sad and worried but he’s adding to everyone else’s stress.

@MoreCuddlesForMummy - u can change yr vote

@Lompopo I have considered that. Especially because it’s become a LOT worse since we had our DC when my capacity to comfort him has diminished markedly.

@MoreCuddlesForMummy Haha. Thanks. I like your nickname. Luckily my DC has been giving me lots more cuddles so that’s helped immensely.

I hit the wrong button too, sorry!

He sounds like a toddler and you are not remotely BU.

Firstly, so sorry about your mum and hope you can stay strong . Secondly, no don't give dh jobs to do. Tell him bluntly and clearly that YOU need his support right now and he is being totally selfish. Don't argue, just state the facts. Good news is people like this can change. My dh was the same. I repeated the same mantra every time "selfish, inconsiderate, etc." He started to recognise it himself and changed. Been married nearly 30 years now and he's genuinely the best supportive dh. Very occasionally now it rears it's ugly head and we joke about it. He actually stops and says "omg, me, me, me" and I reply "Yep".

@paffuto Interesting. I honestly don’t know if he can change though. It’s so ingrained. His mother is far worse than he is so he’s modelled himself on her. And I seriously don’t know how many other ways I can put it to him. I’ve explained it so many times in so many different circumstances. I even told him several times about how rough it was to go through things without support when my late partner was sick so I hoped the “c” word might kick him into gear and step up where no one had for me before. But no.

Your DH is choosing this behaviour and if he isn't aware of the underlying reasons it boils down to a selfish sense of entitlement that everything should be all about him, all of the time. The best thing to do is loudly and publically challenge the behaviour every time. Do not allow him to make it all about him and put upon you and your DM. The day after my c section with my poorly baby in special care I was in pieces. PIL still managed to make everything all about them by making up an alleged abuse disclosure from DSS (I work in social work). They couldn't shift the dynamic to support me. It stems in entitlement and narcissism. I found unpacking it in couples counselling helpful with DH.

It puts you off, doesn't it. Doesn't get better either.

Ewww. Spend as much time away from him, and tell him why. People like this are quite difficult to confront as they simply rack up the hysterics. That's ok. Tell him. Leave the room. Don't engage.

Really, don't engage.

someone voted yabu, is that you be any chance op's dh ?

star sorry, but you never know

I'm sorry about your Mum's diagnosis OP, it's horrible and the last thing you need is another adult making it all about them. Good grief.

I'm not an outwardly emotional person, but the day my Mum was diagnosed I handled hearing it, but saying the words out loud for the first time absolutely floored me and DP literally caught me as my legs gave way. He was absolutely incredible from the day of diagnosis right through all of it, until now. This is a man who lost his own mother to cancer at the age of 13 btw. Who was quietly, and unobtrusively just there, for me, my Dad and my mum right up to the end. He's kept my Dad standing since too!

I didn't give that example to gloat, but to give your DH the boot up the arse he needs to see that this ISN'T about him, and he needs to support you. My SIL is an attention seeking twat and she fabricated a cancer scare similar to my Mum, at the same time, for attention. I've never been able to forgive her because it was so unbelievably selfish, and nasty. Especially given my Mum's ordeal and absolute stoicism in the face of it.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo from on here, who had cancer herself, was a huge support to me in RL too. She explained jargon and cancer speak, and was just bloody lovely throughout all of it. Now I know she was one in a billion, but I thought these two examples might shock your DH into being a decent human and actually putting you first, because that's what you deserve at the moment.

for you OP and I hope you get the RL support you deserve. All the best to your mum in her treatment too.

@Lompopo has it right, I think, @WeatherSchmeather: your DH is regressed. This is typically an unconscious behaviour learned through childhood family dynamics - but it's his job, not yours, to bring it to awareness so he can deal with it. The only way to effectively deal with it from your side is to step out of the 'game', in other words to take the 'adult' role. 'Managing' him means you've simply assumed the role of a parent, which will only perpetuate it.

And sometimes the only adult action is to step out entirely, and leave.

You haven’t got enough energy to be able to waste any over this prick.

Cut the selfish fucker off, don’t even bother engaging with him

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this again, this time with your mum.

It takes empathy and self awareness to support people in times of their need. I think people act mad when people they know are sick. I think a lot of people see everything through a prism of "how this affects me /what about me/ my mortality". People are scared of illness and death- i think that's the root of the madness. He is upset no doubt but can't keep it together to support you.

I'm so sorry you have nobody to support you through all this horrible time. Please post here when you're struggling, there is always somebody available to listen. X

It's because you're stepping out of the box and wanting support. In his head he will be panicking that he might have to actually pull
his finger out, so you should just get back in line and deal with it.

I'm sorry you're Mum is so ill OP, I would just leave him to it and ignore.
Watch out for him acting the supportive spouse in front of medical staff and distant relatives. So everyone can then tell you how lucky you are to have such a tower of strength by your side 🤔.

@MrsPinkCup Yeah, he’s already doing this. But then he’s done it a lot in the past. He plays the devoted husband so well I think he convinces himself.

I had a similar dynamic with xh, but rather than make it all about himself, instead of being strong for me, he would literally step into my emotions and e.g. begin crying too. Then of course I'd feel guilty for upsetting him and end up comforting him.

Some men are adults in size only. Saying that my dm is also hopeless.

Since him I've recognised my relationship patterns and I'm working on being ok with receiving love and support, as well as just giving it. It's a big shift, you have to dismantle and rebuilt your concept of love.

Hope everything works out ok OP.

Just leave. Seriously, then you only have to cope with your mother and your emotions. Sometimes having another person in the equation is more frustrating because you are expecting support that you aren’t going to get. You absolutely deserve a partner that will support you during this time - but it’s clear your useless husband will only put more pressure on you, and you really don’t need that right now

Remember to allow time for you OP. Even if it’s ten minutes here or there. Do you have any friends who will support you? If so please talk to them as you need support too.

Didn't realise I could change my vote. Done.