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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour?

90 replies

AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:08

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting to this situation, so thought I'd ask for opinions Smile.

My DDs (10) are going to a holiday club. On Wednesday one of the boys (9), kept smacking DD2 on the bum, holding a stick in front of his crotch and telling the girls how big his willy is. DD2 eventually punched and kicked him (she was told off for this).

Now I know boys will be boys, and I could look past the bragging about his willy thing (although it is quite odd), but in conjunction with him smacking DDs bum, I thought this was inappropriate.

When I dropped DDs off this morning I mentioned it to the 'leader', and he said he knew there had been a bit of a disagreement, but not the extent of it.

So I guess what I'm wondering is - considering their ages, was he just a boy messing around, and WIBU making a thing of it, or was I right to be concerned about this. The leader said he would raise it as a safeguarding concern - I'm just unsure if I'm making a big thing out of nothing. WIBU?

OP posts:
IAskTooManyQuestions · 02/08/2019 10:11

Leader has rised it, thats the end of your involvment Im afraid!

Papergirl1968 · 02/08/2019 10:21

I would be telling my dds to make sure they are not alone with him. Or him and other boys. To go to the toilet together (ie both twins at the same time - I assume they’re twins)
Sad and shocking as it is, children do sexually assault other children.
The difficulty is how to say it without scaring your girls. Perhaps not focus too much on the inappropriate behaviour and just say he sounds like a naughty boy.
Let them know they can tell you anything and be alert for any changes in their behaviour - nightmares, tears, withdrawn etc.
This sounds a bit OTT but better to be safe than sorry.

Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:21

That should read: WAS IBU, not WOULD IBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:24

@Papergirl1968 - yes, they are twins, and I'm fairly sure they could handle him as they do martial arts, but as you say, if a group of them gang up on the girls...

OP posts:
Papergirl1968 · 02/08/2019 10:24

Oh, and who told DD2 off for punching and kicking? I’m guessing one of the staff. Many people won’t agree but to me it sounds like she did exactly the right thing.
I’d also be pressing for his parents to be informed. If he is like this at 9, it needs nipping in the bus quickly.
Sorry but this post has got me so angry. Little shit.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/08/2019 10:25

Paper it is not ops dds job to make sure she's not alone with him!! It's the leaders job to ensure a safe environment. Putting responsibility on HER is wrong.

Papergirl1968 · 02/08/2019 10:26

Cross post, sorry, Op. I’m glad they do martial arts.
And to answer your question, not being unreasonable at all!

Papergirl1968 · 02/08/2019 10:28

No it isn’t her job of her responsibility, Henny, I agree, but I’d still be telling my dds to keep well away.

Fucksandflowers · 02/08/2019 10:29

My DS is 10 and he loves jokes like this!

Pretending sticks are willies and rude jokes, my brother was exactly the same at that age.
As we're pretty much all boys I knew at that age!

That said though, I dont think my DS would go smacking people on the bottom and will stop joking immediately if told.
The fact this boy appears to ignore pleas to stop is concerning and needs dealing with.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2019 10:33

Neither of my boys would dream of doing the sticks as willies thing to a girl Fuck. Its pretty off to be honest.

Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:35

I'm not sure what happened at the group, but I told DD off for punching and kicking but with a little smile on my face. They know not to use their martial arts for the hell of it, but are aware they are allowed to use it in self defence, or defence of someone else.

OP posts:
ysmaem · 02/08/2019 10:36

Are they at the holiday club today? Or next week? Speak to your DD

ysmaem · 02/08/2019 10:38

You've done the right thing in informing the leader. Hopefully it wont happen again but if it does just keep raising it with the leader.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2019 10:39

I think a boy making sexual jokes is the perfect opportunity to use their martial arts. Well done your DD.

driggle · 02/08/2019 10:41

I hate the phrase "boys will be boys." My DS is not far off 9 and wouldn't dream of behaving that way. You were right to speak to the leader about it.

Fucksandflowers · 02/08/2019 10:42

Just repeating my experience.

At 10 they are just coming into puberty and tend to find willy jokes and the like funny.
In the absence of other concerning behaviour I don't think it is an indicator of anything bad.

My DB has grown into a very respectful, kind man and my DS also, is very tolerant of others and finds it very sad that some people don't agree with homosexuality (it was brought up during his sex ed classes where some children openly said they thought same sex relationships were wrong), wars, treating people differently etc so I am confident he will grow up into a very nice, respectful adult man too.

Alicesweewonders · 02/08/2019 10:42

I really hate the 'Boys will be boys' excuse for behaviour. It's not acceptable, the sooner he learns that the better.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/08/2019 10:49

There was definitely an attitude of 'boys will be boys' with my brothers when growing up and even they would do nothing like that.

I think you definitely did the right thing.

Isatis · 02/08/2019 10:53

I'd say the leader needs to be doing more than raising safeguarding concerns: he needs to put the boy and his parents on a final warning that any repetition means that he's out.

Courtney555 · 02/08/2019 11:00

The stick as a willy thing, is fine. Boys have different levels of maturity. My DS at 11 still goes into fits of laughter over poo, bum, willy, as do many of his friends. He put a sock over his in PE changing rooms and thrust it about claiming to be an elephant. The other boys found it hilarious and followed suit. Teachers weren't impressed lol. I'm not fussed about that. He's just immature.

What he wouldn't do, is smack girls on the bum. That's not something I've heard of before. Was it a one off, and what was the context? An accidental whack that coincidentally landed on the bum as she ran past (not that he should whack anywhere but you know what I mean) is very different to some kind of Sid James/Barbara Windsor slap on the bum.

I'd reiterate to the girls, stay clear. And the boy needs it making clear by the leaders that you don't smack anyone, anywhere. Until you know more about the context, you can't really take it further in that context.

Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 11:06

@Courtney555 - he quite deliberately smacked her on the bum - twice! While he was telling the girls about how big his willy is.

OP posts:
Montsti · 02/08/2019 11:07

My 9 year old ds would probably do the willy stick thing🙈 but I’m positive he wouldn’t smack a girls bottom...if he did, I would expect him to be disciplined and I certainly would discipline him too...

I would definitely bring it up if this happened to one of my daughters...

Courtney555 · 02/08/2019 11:13

@AnnonniMoose then that's really not cool.

Even if you can make an assumption that he doesn't fully understand the degree of how sexual that behaviour is, it's sexual behaviour and he needs to be addressed.

He might just think he's being hilarious. But he's old enough to be told, no, we don't behave like this, and then it's down to the leaders to report it to his parents to explain why.

SmartPlay · 02/08/2019 11:15

"boys will be boys"
This attitute is the reason why plenty of these boys grow into men who think women's bodies are theirs to take, whenever they please.

This behaviour (smacking on the bum) is certainly not appropriate. And if something like this happend to my daughter, I wouldn't tell her off for defending herself, I'd praise her!

recrudescence · 02/08/2019 11:15

Send your girls in with the smallest twig you can find in the garden. If he repeats the stick-willy boast they can offer it as something more realistic.