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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour?

90 replies

AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:08

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting to this situation, so thought I'd ask for opinions .

My DDs (10) are going to a holiday club. On Wednesday one of the boys (9), kept smacking DD2 on the bum, holding a stick in front of his crotch and telling the girls how big his willy is. DD2 eventually punched and kicked him (she was told off for this).

Now I know boys will be boys, and I could look past the bragging about his willy thing (although it is quite odd), but in conjunction with him smacking DDs bum, I thought this was inappropriate.

When I dropped DDs off this morning I mentioned it to the 'leader', and he said he knew there had been a bit of a disagreement, but not the extent of it.

So I guess what I'm wondering is - considering their ages, was he just a boy messing around, and WIBU making a thing of it, or was I right to be concerned about this. The leader said he would raise it as a safeguarding concern - I'm just unsure if I'm making a big thing out of nothing. WIBU?

OP posts:

mussolini9 · 02/08/2019 13:44

Lisbon I am so relieved for you xx

Incidentally I am not, in any way an aggressive woman but I really, really wanted to fucking deck him. If I didn't need my job I probably would have if I'm honest.

Yeah ... honesty backatcha: I have already had a satisfying fantasy about meeting 'dick' outside your workplace & kicking him right in the balls. (With my giant pal 'J' behind me, smiling the menacing smile of the criminally trained yet utterly respectful of women shitkicker ... )

dancingbadger · 02/08/2019 13:45

I find the 'boys will be boys' comment so irritating. I have 2 DS and neither have ever been aggressive or nasty. I remember one boy clobbering my eldest DS at a play group and the mother laughing and saying 'boys will be boys'. Well no! My boys don't behave that way so quite clearly your kid is an ill disciplined shit whose mother will use any reason to excuse bad parenting. (Obviously didn't say this at the time as was too busy checking my son didn't have concussion)
Also find the willy jokes weird neither of mine have made willy jokes and I've not heard any of their friends make jokes about willys either. Behaviour is predominantly learnt in the home and then indulged/ ignored by parent/s who think their darling little angel couldn't do any wrong. Btw I've met plenty of very badly behaved girls too who say/ do inappropriate and rude things so let's not just bash the boys hey!

MissClareRemembers · 02/08/2019 13:46

you did the right thing and your DD sounds very self assured.

But please don’t think though that ALL boys are like this (“boys will be boys” is really unhelpful).

I witnessed similar behaviour at the park this week but with the genders flipped: a girl of about 9 loudly saying that an older boy could “stick his phone up his arse”. She then challenged the same older boy to shout “fuck off” in his loudest voice. The older boy just tried to ignore her.

MulticolourMophead · 02/08/2019 13:56

I hate the saying "boys will be boys".

There's no such thing. Only poor behaviour as a direct result of poor parenting.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/08/2019 13:56

Thanks mussolini9 I confess to harbouring similar fantasies of him getting his comeuppance.

In reality just making sure he can't do it to other women will have to do.

SarahTancredi · 02/08/2019 14:05

Yeah I'd be telling my dds to ignore the staff. She was well within her rights to defend herself against a boy repeatedly touching her in inappropriate ways. That shes to do whatever she needs to do to get herself out of any similar situation in the future.

The very fact that boy is allowed to carry on in the club us very representative of how many school girls end up in classrooms with their attackers and rapists and have the responsibility on them to stay away and tey and keep themselves safe.

Hes more than old enough to know better and I'm.sick.of seeing disgusting behaviour like this normalised as a "boy thing"

CatG85 · 02/08/2019 14:17

I don't think YABU at all. At this age you have to be careful about things like this as in where are they picking this up from, what are they exposed to? It doesn't mean they are being exposed to anything but the leader is doing the right thing by raising it as a safeguarding just in case. This is some of the behaviour we get told to look out for at work.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2019 14:45

I just can't get over someone sending pictures of his dick in a work situation and nothing being done about it.

Surely that's sexual harassment? Surely being forced to resign because you are so upset about it is constructive dismissal? I'd be taking it higher with the union too.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/08/2019 15:08

I think you should speak to your DD and see if this behaviour continues.
Just because it has been reported doesnt mean it has been dealt with.
I think the boys will be boys line is not really correct here. This is about respect and the sooner this boy learns it the better for him and all those around him

prh47bridge · 02/08/2019 15:35

The leader is correct. A 9-year old boy behaving like this is a safeguarding concern. It may just be poor behaviour, or it may be an indicator of something worse. You were very definitely not unreasonable to raise this.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/08/2019 16:34

Surely that's sexual harassment? Surely being forced to resign because you are so upset about it is constructive dismissal? I'd be taking it higher with the union too.

I haven't been forced to resign, I've chosen to because I'm not prepared to work for a company complicit in this. I will be taking it further, but pathetically, I need to ensure I'm set up in my new job first because I can't afford to compromise my income and hurt my kids.

I can categorically state it is absolutely not over and once I'm in a position to be able to do so, I will be taking it as far as I possibly can.

Angelf1sh · 02/08/2019 17:11

You really shouldn’t have told your DD off in the circumstances described, nor should you be saying “boys will be boys”. For both of these things, yes YABU.

Angelf1sh · 02/08/2019 17:12

For the actual question you posed though, no YANBU.

Original poster

AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 18:00

@KC225 - that's awful what happened to your daugher .

Just to clarify - when I said 'boys will be boys', I was talking about the obsession with their penises - not the objectification of girls/women.

In the car on the way to dropping DDs off with their dad, we had a discussion about it. I told DD1 again I was proud of her for defending herself (apparently after he smacked her bum the second time, she punched him, he ran away and she chased after him. He then tripped and fell, and while he was on the ground she kicked him a couple of times for good measure). I also told them that they are of the age of criminal responsibility now, and they need to make sure that there is a justifiable reason for hitting or punching someone before they do it, else it could be classed as assault.

They fully understand that nobody has the right to touch them anywhere without their permission.

The boy wasn't at club today, but will be there next week. I've told the girls to stay away from him.

OP posts:

Yabbers · 02/08/2019 20:22

He hit her, she hit him, she got told off? That’s not right.

Although if she was told off for chasing him and kicking him after he fell it’s quite right as that was out of order.

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