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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour?

90 replies

AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 10:08

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting to this situation, so thought I'd ask for opinions Smile.

My DDs (10) are going to a holiday club. On Wednesday one of the boys (9), kept smacking DD2 on the bum, holding a stick in front of his crotch and telling the girls how big his willy is. DD2 eventually punched and kicked him (she was told off for this).

Now I know boys will be boys, and I could look past the bragging about his willy thing (although it is quite odd), but in conjunction with him smacking DDs bum, I thought this was inappropriate.

When I dropped DDs off this morning I mentioned it to the 'leader', and he said he knew there had been a bit of a disagreement, but not the extent of it.

So I guess what I'm wondering is - considering their ages, was he just a boy messing around, and WIBU making a thing of it, or was I right to be concerned about this. The leader said he would raise it as a safeguarding concern - I'm just unsure if I'm making a big thing out of nothing. WIBU?

OP posts:
Juells · 02/08/2019 11:16

My 9 year old ds would probably do the willy stick thing

Isn't it amazing how proud little boys are of their willies, right from childhood? 😂 Can you imagine little girls going around claiming that their vagina was bigger around than anyone else's? 😂

But...how do they (boys) know it's a 'thing'? Nobody would brag about the size of their nose, or ears.

Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 11:17

@SmartPlay - after I told her off I also semi joked that next time she kicks him, she should kick him where it matters Grin. I am proud of her for defending herself, but she does have to learn that she can't go around punching people.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 11:19

This attitute is the reason why plenty of these boys grow into men who think women's bodies are theirs to take, whenever they please

Absolutely this.

Well done to your daughter OP. She handled it well.

Original poster
AnnonniMoose · 02/08/2019 11:19

@recrudescence - 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Shopkinsdoll · 02/08/2019 11:22

Fucksandflowers
Yes my 9 year old is the same, anything to do with willies are funny, eg sticks, cucumbers, sausages. Jokes amongst friends, other boys. But that’s were it ends, no touching or hitting other bottoms.

ChocolateCakeForDinner · 02/08/2019 11:23

Sorry but I think she did the right thing punching him. Maybe just reiterate to use words first but my Dd would be getting praised for protecting herself

Ohyesiam · 02/08/2019 11:24

He needs to be told straight that he’s not to touch people that don’t want to be touched end of.
And yes it’s a safeguarding, glad it’s been escalated..

Juells · 02/08/2019 11:26

AnnonniMoose

I don't think that, even joking, you should have suggested 'kicking him where it matters'. She could injure him.

qazxc · 02/08/2019 11:27

Tell DDs that he is being naughty and if he does it again (the smacking or the willy thing) to shout STOP IT and go and tell a leader right away.

LadyRannaldini · 02/08/2019 11:30

Make sure she knows the word 'microscopic', often humiliation works wonders for juvenile 'humour'.

KC225 · 02/08/2019 11:31

We moved from the UK to European country when my DD was 7 and rented a flat before moving to our house. The boy upstairs (10) assaulted my DD. He threw her to the ground, pulled her trousers down and dry humped her. I didn't even know 10 year boys did such things.

The police we're not interested as criminal age for consent here is 15. They passed it onto social services, who seemed more concerned about the boy. I alerted the village school and was told 'maybe he really likes her' I went nuts and said, 'would you be saying that if she was 15 and he was 18?

We later found out he was thrown out of basketball club for repeatedly running into the girls changing rooms.

I agree it's not her responsibility, but do warm her to stay away from this boy and to report any more incidences to you.

MiggyInThePiddle · 02/08/2019 11:32

I would guess that this boy has older male relatives who behave in this sort of crap way, joking, banter, 'cheeky' slapping of bums etc 'laddish' stupid 'whay-hey' jokes about penises, and is copying.

Quite right to support your Dds to lay down boundaries, I would encourage them to shout 'do not hit my bottom' 'get your hands off my bottom' 'I have told you 3 times not to touch my bottom' loudly and firmly, and to report immediately and clearly to staff.

You 100% did the right thing telling staff - to make sure they monitor and prevent this boy behaving like that again. It is up to their policy whether they make a safeguarding referral and that is beyond your involvement, which stops at reporting what happened to your DD, and encouraging your Dd to tell you if any similar behaviour occurs. Which I am sure she will!

SmartPlay · 02/08/2019 11:33

" I am proud of her for defending herself, but she does have to learn that she can't go around punching people."

I think it's perfectly legitimate to physically defend oneself from physical violence.

Idontlikeshopping · 02/08/2019 11:37

Boys will be boys??? What bollox. I've got 2 boys and thought boys will be boys meant a bit of running around, being a bit boisterous and full of energy, not being rude and sexually harassing girls.

It's fucking disgusting, no way would my 11 year old behave like this and neither would his friends.

The bum smacking totally crosses the line and I would be absolutely furious.

Idontlikeshopping · 02/08/2019 11:38

Actually I don't condone violence and have never taught mine to hit back, but actually smacking someone's bum is not only assault but sexual harassment and she was well within her rights to punch him on this occasion.

FookMeFookYou · 02/08/2019 11:40

No you're not BU - my son is 9 and if he behaved that way I'd be fucking livid. But then again he wouldn't because he knows it's wrong and that he shouldn't put his hands on another person/private's are private etc

Tell your DD's to stay away from the boy and if anything else occurs they must tell you and then escalate it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/08/2019 11:52

At this point your DD has been "smacked" by this boy, whilst putting up with his crude banter and then told off by the playleader and also told not to retaliate again by you.
I wonder how many times the boy got told off. What will she do next time it happens?
This boy is 10 not 5, certainly old enough to know it was wrong. I'd be disgusted if my DC's ever did that. Its it is sexual harrassment, he's learned it from somewhere and now needs to learn not to do and not have people/his parents saying I'm sure he didn't mean it, or it's just a boy's joke or a one off. He jolly well knows that would intimidate girls.
I'd be asking what level of supervision was going on at that holiday club and to see their safeguarding policies.
I think your daughter did the right thing to protect herself.

HostofDaffodils · 02/08/2019 12:00

Surely a holiday club has to have guidelines about acceptable behaviour and sanctions when these guildelines are not adhered to?

I would say that a boy who smacked a girl's bottom should be told in no uncertain terms that this wasn't acceptable. Further sanctions for a repeat might involve not being allowed to take part in activities. Parents should also be informed and told to reinforce that the behaviour wasn't accepted in the club. (I think it's partly about what outcome the OP wants.) It's not about demonising the boys. It's about being clear with them what the guidelines are, and the consequences for not sticking to them.

Vesperia · 02/08/2019 12:05

I wonder if the boys Dad is a bottom slapper to his mum & that's why he thinks it's ok

FishCanFly · 02/08/2019 12:05

That's absolutely disgusting behaviour and your DD was well right to kick him.

LolaSmiles · 02/08/2019 12:10

There's no 'boys will be boys' about it.
Boys will be boys is a horrible phrase that excuses boys learning that violence and disrespect is considered acceptable, especially if parents and onlookers pretend it's cute and adorable.

The leader has dealt with is and reported it as a safeguarding issue. That's the end of it from your perspective I'm afraid. If anything new happens then you pass it on again.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/08/2019 12:18

You've reported it to the leader, who will address it. You've praised your DD for defending herself (don't encourage her to ramp up the aggression, though). That's it. Job done. As PP have said, it could be the case that this child is being mistreated or fed bad ideas by an adult in his life, or it could be that he has simply picked up outdated ideas of what is 'acceptable' (ie his dad smacks his mum on the arse in a playful manner so he thinks that's what you do when you are being playful with someone you like).
Please don't grab a pitchfork or try to involve other parents, though. And don't make too big a fuss with your DD - she defended herself but doesn't need it to be made into a big drama.

SmileEachDay · 02/08/2019 12:19

The boy needs to learn - and fast - that female bodies are not his playthings.

Your daughter simply needs to learn to punch with her words - and to be explicit when reporting things like this to the grown ups who are looking after her (not you - I mean the activity leader).

NCBabyBoy · 02/08/2019 12:20

I'd go apeshit about the bum slapping and I'd be having a serious conversation about this boy's behaviour with the people running this activity. Who are they? What are their backgrounds? I would want to reassure myself that they are fully aware of how threatening this behaviour is, especially as it is of a sexual nature. I would emphasise that it could be construed as sexual harassment and that your girls deserve not to experience this in what is supposed to be a safe environment. The boy in question needs it explaining to him that this sexualised behaviour is completely inappropriate and would land him in serious trouble at secondary school. Fine that they've had a word with your DD about not hitting, but she needs to see the boy being punished, and more severely than she was. The organisers should also raise a safeguarding concern about his behaviour, as it could be an indicator of abuse, but that is not your responsibility.

I teach in a secondary school and at least once a year we have to deal with seriously inappropriate sexualised behaviour from boys towards girls. This kind of shit needs to be nipped in the bud before he decides to have a wank in class.

NCBabyBoy · 02/08/2019 12:23

Just to clarify: I wouldn't have that conversation with your DD present, but I would talk to her and explain that this is not acceptable and that she should never feel guilty or embarrassed if something like this happens to her and to always confide in an adult, who will always support her.