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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask if you have dinner time etiquette

103 replies

PineappleBun · 01/08/2019 22:38

Dinner time is important for my mum and dad. So at very young age I learned to get to table once dinner is ready and no tv during dinner time, etc

It's probably the reason why I feel a bit annoyed after I spend an hour to prepare the dinner, hubby won't come to dinner table because he is in the middle of something. And there is always things he is working on which means most of the time I need to wait at the table for 10-30 min after dinner is ready. And in many cases, food are cold when we start!! It upsets me a bit because it feels like the effort in preparing the dinner is not appreciated. This habit kind of spread to my kids that my daughter would say "I will come for dinner after I finish xx."

I think it's because hubby's family does not have any dinner time etiquette. I know my In laws are like this too. They would get on with whatever they are working on before having dinner.

Do you have dinner time etiquette? Or is it just me? Hmm

OP posts:
hummusavocado · 01/08/2019 22:41

it is rude, you have spent all that time preparing it... can you give him a ten minute warning? Then if he's not there he doesn't get any dinner for half an hour after he arrives to show him how it makes you feel?

How does he feel when he cooks for you and you do the same?

AldiAisleOfTat · 01/08/2019 22:42

I'd put his dinner in the bin after 10 minutes. He'll learn.

Julykthat · 01/08/2019 22:45

We don't always have set sit down dinners but when we do (3 or 4 times a week) I set the table with placemats or rather, i call dh or dc to do this. Or call them to wash hands and get drinks ready. Otherwise dh would be like this- delaying til he is good and ready. When I cook dinner in advance and let every one help themselves whenever they want it, dh complains that we are not all sitting down together!

PinkBlossomInSummer · 01/08/2019 22:45

If DH or I cook when the meal is ready to be served we go to the table. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t. It’s rude and disrespectful if whoever you’ve cooked food for doesn’t sit at the table for the meal being served.

If my DH decided to do something else when I’d spent time cooking for him his tea would be in the bin.

UrsulaPandress · 01/08/2019 22:47

Sit down when it's ready and tv off.

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/08/2019 22:49

I think you're well justified in feeling annoyed, regardless of the etiquette you were brought up with.

It helps if both sides in a marriage were brought up with the same "house rules". DH's family used to read at table, mine didn't. Took a few years to sort that one out! We still haven't sorted out the conflict between "If one person cooks, the other washes the pans" and "the person that cooks clears their own mess".

My family behave well for "special" dinners. For everyday dinners, DH may take a couple of minutes to arrive, DS a bit longer. On the other hand, I don't usually take an hour to prepare. And one or other of them usually says "thanks, that was nice".

I wouldn't be waiting 10 mins for family to arrive. I'd have started mine before then.

TheRLodger · 01/08/2019 22:52

We have a 5 minute warning / a shout to say that food is being dished up. Gives opportunity to wash hands, finish off writing a post on mn or whatever. Found it really helpful for all involved

Pipandmum · 01/08/2019 22:54

Growing up we always had dinner together. Now it’s usually me and my daughter together and my son (15) on his own schedule and he cooks for himself. When my husband was alive kids were young ate early and he ate about 8 after kids in bed. But he came when it’s ready or half the time he did the cooking.
Can you tell him ‘dinner in 10’? Then you sit and eat - if he’s late his is cold.

SignedUpJust4This · 01/08/2019 22:54

It's extremely rude. I'd throw his dinner in the bin

Sceptre86 · 01/08/2019 22:54

Dinner gets served up and if you aren't there to eat it you re heat it yourself. If it is a special meal I will wait otherwise I won't. I prefer to eat at the kitchen table or dining room but dh prefers to eat in front of the telly so we compromise and sit in the living room towards the end of the working week. No phones or books allowed at the table, it is nice to catch up with each other and actually enjoy the food.

Original poster
PineappleBun · 01/08/2019 22:58

Right, I will try this "dinner in 10" thing

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 01/08/2019 22:58

That's terribly rude! Having said that, my DF comes to the table late. We've started to just eat, so he doesn't get the reward of being in control of everyone's meal.

The only rule I try to enforce (with DC) is that you do not get down for a shit 5 minutes after dinner is served. Every. Fucking. Day Angry

billy1966 · 01/08/2019 22:59

Eh yes!

I cook a lovely meal. Everyone is called and comes directly.
No phones at the table.

Occasionally people get delayed and don't come promptly. Delayed by the PS4 etc....

Cue me irritated and cranky if it's more than a few minutes.

I make no apology for this.

I have shopped, prepared and cooked a lovely meal.

The very least I expect is for people to come to the table in a timely manner.

And thank me for it, and bring their plate from the table.

If I were you OP I would stop cooking and when it's mentioned, tell them that if they can't be bothered to join you, then you can't be bothered to cook.

Enjoy the cooking holiday.

I wouldn't put up with this.

BreakHerOffAKitKat · 01/08/2019 22:59

I was brought up the same way as you - basic manners. DH comes to the table when dinner is being served but he and my SD drive me insane because when they finish they get up and leave the table regardless of whether me and DD have finished or not - not even so much as a "do you mind if I leave the table?" Bloody rude and whenever I bring it up I'm told to chill out 😡😡

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/08/2019 23:03

I'm with you OP but when I posted a few years ago about my then H doing this, I was firmly told that he was an adult, could eat when he liked, I didn't have to wait for him and was a bit controlling expecting him to eat when the dinner was ready!

katiedoc · 01/08/2019 23:05

We do have an etiquette at the weekends.

But during the week no. We are all coming and going at different times or are tired so just chill and eat. Sometimes at different times and sometimes with phones or tablets at the table.

But at the weekends we eat together, talk and enjoy each others company.

Bambamber · 01/08/2019 23:10

Why are you waiting for him? Tuck into your food while it is hot. I would probably just cook for myself and let him cook for himself

lavenderbluedilly · 01/08/2019 23:10

My pet hate is when DH starts clearing the dishes away when I’m still eating, I find it very rude.

When I was growing up, we all had to stay at the table until everyone had finished eating, then ask to be excused from the table. It was also expected that each person scraped their leftovers from their plate into the bin/dog bowl/food waste, and leave the empty plate beside the dishwasher. I have tried to carry this on as a parent but fighting a losing battle with DH

Leftiefterson · 01/08/2019 23:10

It’s plain rude OP so I don’t blame you for being annoyed.

We take it in turns to cook but often we cook together. When the meal is ready we have the table set, tv is off and we catch up on the days events. It’s my favourite time of the day.

Tigger001 · 01/08/2019 23:17

No phones at the table, no tv in the dining room to avoid tv requests as our DS grows up.

Hooefully we will continue to eat as a family and catch up on our days, chat and laugh together

Wallywobbles · 01/08/2019 23:19

Absolutely. We all sit down together. No one starts till everyone is sitting down with their food. Encourages the people who keep you waiting to come. You'd have to be a selfish bastard to make everyone wait and eat cold food.

Our psychologist said it was the minimum family requirement. Everyone prepares for meals, eat together and clear up together. It's made for a happier home.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/08/2019 23:25

It's extremely rude. I'd throw his dinner in the bin

This.

And after the first time he/the DC were late, I'd stop making them dinner and just make it for myself. You're being far too lenient putting up with such rude behaviour from him/them.

I was raised in a similar way to you OP. We ate as a family at the dining table every evening. As a child, I had to set the table and clear the table (and then help with washing up - I usually did the drying). No TV allowed, no books. No leaving the table without asking permission first ("please may I leave the table?") although usually it was expected that you wait until everyone has finished eating before asking to leave. And always thanking my DM for cooking for us (no matter what the food was like!). No-one was ever late to the table, it just wouldn't have been allowed.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/08/2019 23:29

When I was newly married about 100 years ago my DH was always tinkering with cars. One day, having shouted that dinner was ready many many times his last response was to say ‘can’t you just keep it hot for me?’, so I did. It was a salad and I turned the oven on as hot as it would go and served the charred remains when he eventually came in. He never did it again. Seriously though, stop pandering to him and any DC that follow suit. Sit down and have yours and let them fend for themselves.

Chochito · 01/08/2019 23:33

OP, your DH is being rude. Just say what time the dinner will be ready.

Original poster
PineappleBun · 01/08/2019 23:37

DC are only 3 and 6, so I won't just throw their dinner away. It is DH I am annoyed with. I think he should set an example to them.

OP posts: