Ask if you have dinner time etiquette

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Dinner time is important for my mum and dad. So at very young age I learned to get to table once dinner is ready and no tv during dinner time, etc

It's probably the reason why I feel a bit annoyed after I spend an hour to prepare the dinner, hubby won't come to dinner table because he is in the middle of something. And there is always things he is working on which means most of the time I need to wait at the table for 10-30 min after dinner is ready. And in many cases, food are cold when we start!! It upsets me a bit because it feels like the effort in preparing the dinner is not appreciated. This habit kind of spread to my kids that my daughter would say "I will come for dinner after I finish xx."

I think it's because hubby's family does not have any dinner time etiquette. I know my In laws are like this too. They would get on with whatever they are working on before having dinner.

Do you have dinner time etiquette? Or is it just me?

Wow. That's really rude of him. We shout when serving for kids/whichever one of us didn't cook to come and take seats. No screens at table and everyone stays at table until everyone's finished. We've always done it like that so the kids (7&3) expect it.

If I were you I'd insist on the kids coming and start without DH. Don't let's yours and kids food go cold waiting for him.

They know when I'm putting dinner on, because they are hungry and ask what we are having.

I give a 10, or 5 minute warning. Often both.

I ask one of them to lay the table. Bring out the sauce bucket etc if we are eating out on the patio.

I call them as I am dishing up. I expect everyone to come. Immediately. No matter what! To take their plate and other peoples plates and the dish of leftover chips/potatoes/whatever.

We all eat together. Discuss our days etc.

I wouldn't tolerate what your Dh does. It's disrespectful.

I do the 5 minute warning and then get on with it too, but all the other “rules” I find a bit much. Thanking the cook, asking permission to leave the table etc. They just don’t fit with the dynamic of our family. We’re all part of a team and all do our bit. I don’t thank the kids every time they take their plates out or tidy up, and I don’t expect them to thank me every time I cook - it’s just one of a number of tasks that need to be done by someone to keep the ship afloat.
I suppose I ought to make my kids aware of those things though, in case they are thought of as rude by others. Is it really rudeness if it was just not a “thing” for your family?

when they finish they get up and leave the table regardless of whether me and DD have finished or not

It's taken me a while to get used to this, but it's just reflective of the different ways people were brought up. DH was a large family, they left the table when they finished so that they weren't all sat watching the last person/slowest eater; they cleared their own plates to the kitchen. I come from a smaller family, you stay at the table until you finish, and DM then gathered the plates and cleared them from the table in one stack. Ignoring Debrett's, who is to say which is more polite?

I do the 5 minute warning thing, sit dc down and serve the meal. DH will often "finish what he is doing" (play on his phone) for 5-10 minutes. DC and I sit down and eat, and leave his meal on the table. Often I have finished mine and I'm washing up before he sits down! Used to drive me mad but now I just think we'll it's him that's getting a cold meal!

I ring a bell, which means 'stop what you are doing and come down to eat'. It usually takes my husband a few minutes to arrive as he always starts by going to the loo and washing his hands, but I factor that in to the time that I ring the bell.

I find it useful to tell people in advance more or less what time I'm planning for us to eat, so that the rest of the family can plan round it. If you have set mealtimes, of course, you don't need to do that, but we don't, now that the children are older.

If you tell people in advance that the meal will be ready at a certain time, they can either say 'oh could we have it a bit earlier/later because ...' or they have absolutely no excuse for not coming promptly.

I wouldn't delay a meal for 10-30 minutes (unless in an emergency).

Why do you wait for him?thats bonkers. Sit down and ear your dinner.

It doesn't matter what happened when he was growing up, it's rude, and he should adapt.

It's basic good manners. MIL is like this but she and fil soon learned I wouldn't have it in my house or counting food

Maybe compromise? Have 3 dinners your way, 3 dinners that are reheatable/self prep eg salad and bread, pasta and topping and 1 choose your own adventure?

We usually have a rule that no one can start until everyone is sitting down but occasionally my OH will say he's busy and doesn't come to the table straight away, if that happens we just start without him and he can eat his cold or reheat it himself. It used to be the opposite problem mostly, he'd sit down and eat his food before I'd even finished dishing up so that's why I started the rule about waiting (and DD enforces it strictly!)

It's rude like other posters have said
My dh is always hungry though so you don't have to wait around for him if he thinks there's food!

I’m not sure he’s being rude. Why should your desire to serve food trump his desire to finish watering the garden?
Maybe have the adult conversation about timing before you cook? “I’m doing supper now, will you be back/ready by 7:30 or shall I wait?”
Most meals can be held five or ten minutes without ruining - unless it’s a soufflé; in which case stop making soufflés for weekday supper. Don’t put the meal onto the table until he’s had a chance to finish what he’s doing or serve yourself and leave his keeping warm.

Fuck it in to the bin if he takes any more than ten minutes

Look innocent and say you assumed he didn't want it. Repeat for every time.

He'll get the message

DD8 sets the table, DS4 just has to be there when it's served. No TV or screens, just the radio on for background noise as DS hasn't got the hang of eating quietly yet. DD8 then clears the table once everyone finishes.

DD8 has been setting the table since she was 6, she knows that her brother will be taking over the duties when he turns 6.

We do have the occasional pizza and film evening but most dinners are at the table.

We had separate meal times growing up because my father commuted to London and arrived home after 7.

We still eat separately now because everyone has different schedules so a family sit down meal just wouldn't work.

We do however all come and go in the kitchen and chat about the day, just not whilst eating dinner. I really couldn't get het up about it.

It’s incredibly rude and I wouldn’t accept that behaviour.

“Dinner is gong to be about 8.30”
“5 min warning”
“Dinner’s ready”

If I was kept waiting after that I would find it incredibly disrespectful.

I shout 'chair time' 2 mins before dinner is served. DH puts baby in high chair. 4 yo gets water for table and they are all seated before I even bring it over. No phones, no TV and everyone (except baby) says thank you and puts their own plate in dishwasher after. I think that's a bare minimum and why you ever made dinner for him a second time after he kept you waiting I don't know OP. Dont make him anything if he is so rude and look at the awful habits he has taught your children. Put your foot down.

I was bought up that you don't start eating till everyone is there. It's easier doing one meal at a time that works for everyone. I will say, '...ok I am putting dinner on, it should be read for 8ish. I'll let you know when it's nearly serving up.'

Another one is waiting for others to finish unless it's really important.

Having dinners together is dying a death, regardless if DH has just got in & food is ready, he'll want his programme on, so no talking. Where when I grew up (OK I'm oldish) you would sit at the table and discuss what you've done in the day.

I think if you say ok I'll be serving dinner in 5/10 minutes, please be ready. Followed by dinners served, do you want any sauces etc? If 5 minutes later you're still alone, or a person is missing, eat your food whilst it's hot. They'll just have to microwave theirs. There's no point you sitting there ruining your dinner to make a point. Generally if you're cooking you'll serve others before yourself, so plenty of time for them to be prepared.

@AlexaAmbidextra loved your story!

Tell everyone roughly what time it will be ready
Give 5/10 minute warning.
Scream for them all to come to the kitchen
There is always one of them who doesn't come when called
Someone gets cutlery and condiments another gets drinks.
We each take our plates to the table sit down and start eating
The inevitable latecomer eventually arrives and gets their meal from the kitchen bench(sometimes not until it's gone cold), sits down.
Tough titties if they don't come when called they get to eat a cold meal.

If we weren’t at the table when the food was being served - ours would go in the fridge for tomorrow.

Husband and I feel the same about dinner time so at 5pm, everyone is at the table and food is served at 510pm.

That's so rude! We dont have rules as such. But everyone comes when they are shouted

Why should your desire to serve food trump his desire to finish watering the garden?
Because it’s disrespectful to the person who’s made the effort to cook if you can’t be bothered to come and eat it hot. And it’s disrespectful to the whole family to not join them for the meal. The watering will wait - the family meal won’t.

sit down when it's ready, no faffing
no phones during dinner, tv is fine
always sit at the table
nobody leaves the table until everyone is finished (DSS used to bolt food to get to xbox)

Maybe I’m just very laid back but I think adults should be able to choose when they want to eat. I certainly wouldn’t want someone dictating to me that I had to eat when they say.

As for throwing dinners in the bin seems very controlling to me.

No wonder some people’s DHs/DPs don’t want to eat with them.