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AIBU?

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Original poster

MN has made me see this isn't right so I have done this... *Trigger Warning* - Sexual assault [Edited by MNHQ]

55 replies

SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 22:25

After an abusive, frankly shocking 15 year relationship, I have been single for two years- happily so, I might add.

However, last year a friend of a friend set me up with a guy. He seemed ok- attractive and independent, we began meeting up as a casual thing.

I woke up one night at his and his fingers were in my “bits” (both holes) . I pretended to be asleep but knew it wasn’t right.

After reading many similar threads on here I now believe it was completely wrong. I haven’t been in touch with him for months now but suddenly got so fucking angry today that I have texted him. All I have said is “Can I ask you something?”

He hasn’t replied yet but when he does I’m going to ask him why he thinks this was ok. Just wanted some support really.

OP posts:
Atalune · 31/07/2019 22:27

I’m sorry for what you have gone through. But engaging with him I don’t think will give you any peace. Flowers

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 31/07/2019 22:31

What he did absolutely wasn't right.

I don't think you're going to get the answers you want from him though, if he replies at all.

I think you need to prepare yourself for denial, blame and insults.

What is it you want him to say? Do you think that you will get any comfort from this? Would you consider reporting him at all? Maybe seeking some counselling to help process what happened?

I'm so sorry that happened to you Flowers

Shakennotshook · 31/07/2019 22:35

I'm sorry this happened. I dont think you're likely to find a satisfactory resolution by confronting him.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 22:35

Thank you for your kind replies. I had to confront him because I feel like a victim and that is not what I want to feel like.

You’re right though- he is denying it

OP posts:
Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 22:40

He is gobsmacked. Do they truly believe they can get away with it?

MN has made me see this isn't right so I have done this... *Trigger Warning* - Sexual assault [Edited by MNHQ]
OP posts:
Spinzy · 31/07/2019 22:47

Sorry to hear this. Well done for realising it isn’t right and he has committed a crime against you. It can be really hard to accept that somebody you trust has done that to you. I was sexually assaulted in my sleep by a ‘friend’ thirteen years ago and played it down in my head for years. I’ve recently been getting more and more angry about it, wanting to confront him, wanting to tell other people what he did. I spoke to the police a few months ago but couldn’t go through with it knowing it would be dropped due to lack of evidence so everyone would assume I was lying. I have felt the urge to confront to him or tell his wife (he now lives in my street). I added a mutual friend from back then on Facebook because I had this urge to tell somebody that knew us both at the time and be believed. I didn’t do it due to the potential fallout. Sorry I can’t give you any advice on dealing with it, but wanted to let you know that I understand and had the same feelings. I suspect it is depressingly common and is not the only time I’ve been assaulted.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 22:50

@Spinzy thanks. You summed up how I feel. On a day to day basis it doesn’t bother me but then sometimes I feel so angry that he thinks it is quite acceptable to treat someone like this.

He is still denying it but then of course he will, he thought I was fast asleep.

OP posts:
Spinzy · 31/07/2019 22:51

I believe that they play it down in their own heads. Sexual assault is something other men do. Bad men. He was just having a bit of fun. Just got a bit carried away. Not a big deal.

Who wants to think of themselves as the baddie?

The friend I mentioned didn’t see anything wrong with what he did. He eventually stopped because I was putting up such a fight, but laughed and said “oh you must really not want it then”. I doubt he’d even remember it now, or would possibly remember it as us fooling around. I bet that’s how he squared it away in his head. Because he’s entitled scum who doesn’t regard women as people in the same way that men are.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:00

@Spinzy funny how I am now questioning if as he is soooo adamant “what are you on about?”!!!

We had sex. I went to sleep. Several hours later I woke up (but pretended to be sleeping) to his fingers inside my vagina then moving to my “bum” hole. He put his fingers inside. I wasn’t imagining it- we had never done anything anal related.

He is now saying he will tell our mutual friend what I have said. I told him to do it. He has gone quietHmm

OP posts:
Iamtooknackeredtorun · 31/07/2019 23:04

What he did was a criminal offence and so he is unlikely to admit anything. You are better off without him and well done for being strong to call out his behaviour.

Treaclesweet · 31/07/2019 23:04

Fuck him. Tell them yourself what a disgusting wanker they have for a friend. Good on you, I hope you find some peace Flowers

Spinzy · 31/07/2019 23:07

I think it’s probably best if you block him, really. I don’t think you’ll get any peace or answers from this. He’s not going to admit that he did it - most people lie when caught out to keep themselves out of trouble. It is a serious crime and he’s not going to hand you a written confession. I hope his denial hasn’t made things worse. Maybe it would be better for you to talk to a friend about it instead? Do you think the mutual friend would be supportive? It might at least give them a warning about his true nature and stop them setting him up with any other friends.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:07

Thank you all. For the record I was never going to report him- what’s the point? I just wanted him to think about what he did and I think he will now be having a sleepless night - and good, because I have had a couple wondering why someone thinks it is acceptable to pop their fingers inside a sleeping person and not give it a second thought.

OP posts:
JustLooking2019 · 31/07/2019 23:09

I’m sorry this has happened to you but you need to put a trigger warning in the title

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:10

@Spinzy yes my friend would believe me without a doubt. I don’t even want to tell her, or anyone else in RL, but I just wanted him to realise I know what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:13

I don’t think I need a trigger warning in the title. I have realised this was wrong thanks to many similar threads on MN where people were questioning this type of behaviour.
I haven’t set out to offend anyone, I just needed some support and validation and thankfully I got it ♥️

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/07/2019 23:18

Sorry this has happened to you OP but I don't think he'll ever admit it because then you'll have evidence against him.

That's probably how his mind is working right now.

I also don't think we need warnings for everything in thread titles.

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/07/2019 23:19

OP, you're absolutely right to be angry about this. It's assault and you did not give consent. My ex-h used to have sex with me in my sleep and looked aghast when I told him it was rape. I wish I had done something about it looking back but it took me a long time to realise what a POS I was married to. I hope you forget about this creep and get on...he will be having a sleepless night no doubt Flowers

MuddyMoose · 31/07/2019 23:19

I'm sorry this happened to you & I'm glad you felt you could confront him. I just hope it doesn't open old wounds for you & you're now able to move forward from something horrible that happened to you.

I confronted my rapist a few years ago. Best thing I'd ever done regards to my mental wellbeing. A huge weight was lifted that day.

I also agree with PP though that a trigger warning should be added to the title. Not for your benefit or because the thread contents are "offensive" but for those who may of suffered similar & are not ready or wanting to read about sexual abuse.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 31/07/2019 23:22

I think you do need a trigger warning. It's not whether or not you realise it was wrong, it's more that some people can't handle even reading about something like that happening, if they've had a particularly traumatic experience, it can bring up some upsetting memories for them so it's just so they can avoid threads that might distress them.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:26

Thank you all again for not making me doubt myself. My previous relationship was full of events like this and I’ve moved on so much and built up my self esteem- then this dickhead came along and did this and all I feel is rage.

I won’t take any action and I know he won’t ever admit it, but I feel so empowered that he is now shitting himself. I didn’t know how this thread would go tbh but you have all made me feel so much better♥️

OP posts:
riotlady · 31/07/2019 23:26

I’m so sorry this happened to you and good for you for standing up for yourself, even if you didn’t get the response from him you wanted.

That said, I really could have done with a trigger warning on this thread, would it be possible for mumsnet to add one?

Bunnyfuller · 31/07/2019 23:26

This is another horrible thing some men have got from porn. The ‘have sex with her while she’s asleep’.

You’d think some sense of consent would eventually filter through, but no, any sick shite which demeans and devalues women still rules.

I despair. They see it on porn, want it in real life, and it makes it ok to try it in their warped reality. There’s some horrific stuff become mainstream.

Original poster
SpikyPineapple · 31/07/2019 23:29

I’m sorry if the lack of warning has offended anyone. But I do think that this sort of thing isn’t always particularly impacted on someone until they read a thread like this- as was in my case.

Again, sorry if I have upset anyone - that was not my intention x

OP posts:
ScarlettOHarasWaist · 31/07/2019 23:36

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