To ask how your childhood/relationship with parents has impacted your adult life?

[MegaMonsterMunch]

I read so many threads about adults who are quite simply so damaged by their childhoods and upbringing. I could write a series on my own experiences.

How do you feel your childhood/upbringing has impacted your now adult life? This doesn't have to be negative, I'd love to hear the positive too.

I think I'd say that as mine was so negative, it has made me into a better parent I ever thought I could be, as I would never put my children in situations that I was put in.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

I know this isn't an AIBU, sorry, just interested to talk and vent or celebrate.

"why didn't you leave him? And take us with you"

"Why did you stop actively parenting me at 15, when I needed the most guidance and a foot up my ass"

I don't think my childhood was bad at all - the opposite in fact.
And I'd always thought my relationship with my parents was good too.

But the older I get, the more I realise I am a pathological people-pleaser - to the point where I feel nauseous if I feel I've let someone down (particularly my wife and mum).

I also feel myself very drawn to people I think might need "saving" (whether they actually do need saving or not).

I don't really know where this comes from, but it has caused lots of problems and anxiety.

(I'm early 40's, btw)

My mother was horrible - just spent her life grinding us down so we had no self-esteem. It made me into a real people-pleaser, I've always been scared of confrontation / arguments because of her.

In a way , I think it made me a good parent though ...I knew how awful it was to have a bad mother so everything she did, I did the opposite. It worked out really well - I have a great relationship with my children now.

My childhood made me into a strong, independent person who will always stand for what (I believe) is right. It made me see all of the things I didn't want from life. It showed me how affairs can ruin a family and break a person.

Coming from a broken family showed me how much I wanted a stable family - so far so good!

The same upbringing has caused mental breakdowns for my siblings.

I guess there's more to it than just how your parents treated you.

I was physically and emotionally abused and neglected at home mainly by my mother. My father had no time for me but had time for affairs. There was alcoholism and addiction in my early life.

I was a very high achiever but it didn’t amount to much. I got into one of the best institutions in the world to study at only to have a nervous breakdown before I even got there. I didn’t feel I deserved to be there or to have a life separate from my parents. I felt no one would like me there.

I’ve had counselling but it can’t make me love myself.

I’m 35, have never had a relationship or sex. I wanted marriage and kids but I can’t see how anyone would want me.

I’ve got incredible qualifications but I’ve kept myself in minimum wage jobs not really earning enough to keep myself. I remain at my parents’ beck and call. The work I do involves giving back (working with children and adults with disabilities and SEN) and I volunteer a lot too.

Slowly I’m getting there but the root of it all is I don’t feel I deserve good things, love or respect. I see myself as a giant pain who no one really wants around.

It’s hard to feel lovable or likeable when no one has ever loved or liked you.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband I recognise myself in what you posted. I grew up with one alcoholic parent and I’ve recently been trying to reflect on some of my personality traits that aren’t helpful. Apparently it’s quite common for adult children of alcoholics to be desperate people pleasers and to seek out people to ‘save’. Also to avoid conflict at all costs.

It’s meant that in my teenage years and 20s I would lie to avoid conflict. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell someone something that they might not like, so I made elaborate efforts to cover things up that might displease them. Bit like Basil In Faulty Towers - it would usually end in ridiculous cover-ups. I also left a trail of scattered friendships, and found it difficult to keep life long friends, because I’d become a serial best friend to people who I subconsciously thought needed ‘saving’ and then when they didn’t need me in the same way I’d move onto the next.

I’ve done a lot of reflection over the years and tried to change that. I have a policy now of being and facing up to conflict, because of my experience of making a simple situation much worse by trying to cover it up and seeming (being?) deceitful. I also have tried really hard to keep the few friendships I do have from that time, as well as recognising I deserve strong and able friends.

As for what I’d tell my parents now? They’re both passed away, and any anger I’ve had towards them gone. I’d probably just say I forgive them. We’re all only imperfect humans, trying our best to deal with what’s gone before. My parents had their own childhood issues and all I know is that they loved me and tried their very best.

My parents were good, and very loving to us, but my dad was massively over-strict when it came to boys (v strict catholic). They just weren't allowed until I was eighteen. I was so shy and quiet anyway, that if I was ever asked out I'd just decline. Now I'm older I can talk to men fine - but I can't flirt, I can't read body language, and my own body language and self esteem is shocking. I've only ever had two boyfriends, and now 47 and single, no kids. I've just accepted that it seems likely to stay that way.

Btw @namechange84 - I think you sound like a wonderful person. Not many people even want to put back after a crappy upbringing. I'm in awe of people like you.

My mother was a single parent and I was the eldest of three
My mother is a wonderful mother/ human being , however, I feel that I was never allowed to be a child. She placed a great deal of responsibility on me.I remember wishing that she would just sort out some issues without expecting me to help out .
I understand that life as a single parent was difficult for her as she had very little support I think it impacted me as a a teenager/adult, as I was sometimes wary of taking risks as I had to be the ‘responsible one’ and I didn’t want to disappoint her. I sometimes regret not doing certain things, such as taking a gap year before starting university.
My mum didn’t think it was a good idea, so I didn’t do it.
The benefits of such a childhood is that I am independent, confident and can cope well in in a crisis.

I have, hopefully, fostered a home environment where my children do not live under fear of tempers/being hit, don't have hang-ups about food*, aren't belittled and told was a disappointment they are, are able to talk to us about anything bothering them, feel respected, have helped them understand their emotions and how to express them appropriately, feel loved and wanted, expectations that are realistic and relate to their own personality.

• I'm not sure this can be totally achieved given wider society and outside influences. However, I think we've done a good enough job to find a good balance for each of them. We'll see....

I guess I'd ask mine why they cant understand I didn't have a choice in loving my foster mum who died when I was five and I'd been with them since being born and returned to my parents straight after as my foster dad remarried two months later (I later learnt he was having an affair with her carer and she'd been dying of breast cancer anyway - she died in a horrendous car crash at Christmas).

My whole life they've punished me for that.

I've given up on thinking anyone will ever understand.

I've tried therapy and bereavement counselling but no one gets it.

I try to be kind is the impact because you never know what someone else even a small child may be going through but to be honest as I get older I'm losing that ability to anger and bitterness.

I wish they’d had more fun in their lives, that they liked me and my sister, and that they prioritised the needs of our family over the opinions of other people.
I wish they hadn’t got married and had children so young, it was too hard for them and they were very hard on one another.
I wish they didn’t believe in smacking, and had listened and forgiven a bit instead.
Most of all I wish they hadn’t had such utterly dreadful childhoods themselves.,

Difficult one.

My parents were on the one hand incredibly financially supportive and did a lot of things that on paper ticked boxes for good parenting, so we had holidays where they’d encourage us to learn a few words in the language, bought books and encouraged a love of reading.

My mum was really difficult, however. You never felt safe with her - one minute she’d be fine, lovely, the next she’d flip over something really minor or even literally nothing and she’d be screaming and banging things about. One of my earliest memories is cowering away from her. She used to want my dad to ‘help’ us with school from an early age but they’d both lose their tempers if we didn’t grasp something straight away and would punch the table and yell.

My mum encouraged my brother and his friends and even HER friends to bully me, that’s something I find so hard to understand now. She would invent stories about me that didn’t happen or were taken vastly out of context. She also used to tell me that people has said things about me that they hadn’t.

My dad was lovely but weak, and let my mum do all that.

They both died young. I don’t miss my mum. I never really have.

My perception of my parents’ relationship was crucial in setting expectations for my own marriage. Even though I know now as an adult it wasn’t always what it seemed - nothing too sinister or secret, just that my parents are human, really - it set the standard very high for a future partner. So in that way, my relationship with them has certainly impacted my life and for the better.

My childhood, with my stay at home mother and a house with a lot of love and affection, was pretty rosy and the one thing I would say about it to my parents is something I’ve actually said on many occasions: that I wish I could provide the same kind of upbringing for my 3 DC that my sister and I had.

Are there some things I would criticise now? Sure - I have very little self esteem and as an adolescent my relationship with my dad was rocky at best - but I also acknowledge now that my parents were so young at the time. I couldn’t imagine being married with 2 kids at the age they were. I put a lot of the things I look back on as questionable down to youth, or to the relationship between my parents and their own parents. As my grandparents are still alive, I’ve now been able to gain that context too.

I have really good memories up until my parents divorced when I was 11. As an adult now when I speak to my mum, in hindsight I am grateful for ignorance of childhood as now i see how absent my dad was and how badly he treated my mum.
Horrible teenage years with abusive alcoholic stepdad, mum struggled and drank alot and was always out.
I have (if I do say so myself!) turned out a very well rounded individual, with a great career and husband and friends.
My brother is 7 years younger and has struggled his whole life with crime, drink and drugs. It makes me wonder how important those formative years are for effecting how someone turns out, coupled with general personality type.

I had a difficult time with my parents, particularly from pre-teen up. My father is an alcoholic and my mother shows common narcissistic traits. Neither can accept they are ever wrong and both are very good at passing the blame. I used to think my father was the worst because of his anger when drunk, the way I’d have to walk on eggshells, the constant put-downs, and later on picking him up off the streets when he’d fallen or cleaning him up when he pissed himself.

But as I got older and put myself into therapy I realised he was fairly predictable, whereas my mother wasn’t. One minute she would be nice as pie, acting like a saint, and the next she would be screaming at me. She was very good at the silent treatment (essentially sulking and tantrums) as well as putting me down about everything from my appearance to my intelligence. She also used me as her confidante, about things I really shouldn’t have been burdened with at that age.

As an adult, I’ve worked my butt off through various forms of therapy. I’ve gone back into education to study what I want (as opposed to what they insisted I study to fulfil their dreams, which is what originally happened). We are pretty low contact, but most importantly I simply don’t give them important parts of myself. They don’t know about my studies and they don’t know about anything I hold dear. I keep those parts away from them because I will not allow their poison to seep into my life anymore.

Have I forgiven them? I’m not sure. I recognise their own childhood issues played out in their parenting. But I deserved better. I am, however, a strong-minded, stubborn adult. And I don’t think I would be who I am if I hadn’t had a shitty time of it.

I had a really wonderful childhood.

We weren't wealthy or had fancy holidays, but me and my sibling were always listened to and respected. I loved being at home and moved back for a few years after graduating before living with now DH. My Mum would make sure she was home for us getting in from school to hear about our day, Dad would stop whatever he was doing if we needed him for anything.

Many of my friends moved away for uni and didn't come back but I knew I'd always stay close to my DP, and my DGP.

I have a DD now and my DP look after her while me and DH are at work. She has a lovely relationship with them too, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when I see them together

I hope my DC feel the same way when they're older with families of their own. I know there's always the risk of them wanting to move away from home, but deep down I hope they stay close to us.

My father was an irascible person, it was like living on the side of a volcano, in retrospect I was scared of him, he could also be very critical, which didn't do an awful lot for my self esteem and I do remember parts of my childhood being quite miserable at times. My mother on the other hand was wonderful in most aspects and she made me feel very loved. The main downside for me about both my parents, too much religion, both were avid catholics and I went to catholic schools where I was further brainwashed. As a result I've brought my own children up without religion, free to make up their own minds, but with a caveat to have an open mind and not to dismiss any beliefs without learning about them first. Now grown up, if they decide to opt into a religion, at least it will be an informed choice.

The upside of my parents they were both amazingly well read, bought us loads of books, introduced to my local library at an early age. I was taken to the cinema, theatre and ballet also from early childhood, I thought that was what everybody did, it's only when I got older that I realised it wasn't. I think my father did all that at the expense of not really looking after the house, my mother I think would have preferred to have updated furniture and carpets, but all that was unimportant to my father, who'd rather spend money on culture and foreign travel. Not that we did much of the latter as children, but they made up for that when we were off hand. They were both passionate about speaking another language, my mother learnt German from late teens and belonged to German language groups right up until she died late 80s. Father spoke French, one of my French cousins sent me copies of his letters written in French to their family over the years. They encouraged us to try different foods at a time when meat and two veg were the norm. Lots of extended family in France and other parts of southern Europe which my father regarded as a utopia.

"I knew it must have been hard being a single mum to two small kids, but I had no idea how hard until I had a child of my own. Thank you. I think you did a great job. I don't know how you did it."

I was adopted at 6 months old. My adoptive mother told me I waited in a children's home for well over a year because 'nobody wanted me'. This wasn't true. (I've since traced my natural mother and checked with council records. I was in foster care for 4 days). I was belittled constantly by my adoptive mother who frequently told me I was a failure just like my mother (who happens to be an esteemed university professor). I was told I was ugly and stupid. It's taken me years to overcome this and only this year have had the confidence to secure a job I've always wanted. It's tough but strong self belief trumps everything. Good luck.

@Writersblock2 what a moving story. So glad you are moving on. I loved reading your story. Thanks for sharing.

My parents were amazing people. They both had limited educational opportunities due to class and circumstances and ended up in low paid jobs but were fiercely bright, my dad in particular who taught himself 3 languages to pretty much fluency, was hugely well read. They were both really unique people who didn't fit in with their working class peers (My dad made - and then lost - a lot of money in his 20s and 30s and rolled with a group of basically rich playboys for a time). My mum's nickname in her 20s was the Duchess of (place where she grew up) because she was so different to the norm. I adored them both, they did everything for me, always put me first and never let me down. They always had time for me and were unfailingly supportive. They made me believe I could do or be anything, no limits. Everything I've achieved is down to them...my sadness is they missed out on most of it as they died when I was in my early 20s.

Ive never had anyone believe in or support me like my parents. Relationships have always been kind of a let down in that respect. I always thought that the right man would make me miss my parents less...give me a feeling of being cared for. I've only had that fleetingly. I've also never really fitted in which has made relationships difficult and infrequent as mwn seem to prefer normal and everyday to unusual. Im too clever for ones who find me physically attractive but too common/ overdressed and made up for ones who are more on my intellectual level. Unlike my parents I'm still waiting to find someone similar enough to get me.

@spellingtest that’s really kind, thank you.

I was never allowed to do anything without checking it was okay without my parents (I had to ask if my outfit was okay, I had to ask if I was allowed to go anywhere even if I was getting myself there, I had to ask if my Christmas list was a suitable list of presents etc), so it has left me as an adult who cannot make decisions without triple-checking them a hundred times and often getting someone else's 'permission' that it's an okay decision. It's left me thinking that everything I do by myself is wrong.
That has been a really hard thing to try and break out of - I try and make myself book a train ticket or an Airbnb without checking with someone I know that it's okay and that I'm booking the right thing, or that it's a good thing. Really incredibly frustrating. Trying to shake it

I have too many examples to explain why but my childhood has given me, through the good and the very bad, the following:

-Resilience
-Conflict Resolution
-The understanding that most people are flawed but trying their best
-To fight for myself (not in the violent sense), my loved ones and what I believe in.
-How to live with abandonment issues and persevere
-Life is too short to bear a grudge - that doesn’t mean to forgive everybody for everything, but cut those who deserve it out of my life and move on.
-Hate is too strong a word to use flippantly
-To forgive
-To always put my children first - always.