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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how your childhood/relationship with parents has impacted your adult life?

94 replies

MegaMonsterMunch · 31/07/2019 10:07

I read so many threads about adults who are quite simply so damaged by their childhoods and upbringing. I could write a series on my own experiences.

How do you feel your childhood/upbringing has impacted your now adult life? This doesn't have to be negative, I'd love to hear the positive too.

I think I'd say that as mine was so negative, it has made me into a better parent I ever thought I could be, as I would never put my children in situations that I was put in.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

I know this isn't an AIBU, sorry, just interested to talk and vent or celebrate.

OP posts:

Luckybe40 · 02/08/2019 01:24

1300 cakesheres a big hug

talllikejerryhall · 02/08/2019 02:27

I feel confused about both my parents - I remember how bad things were when I was a kid growing up but they make me feel so guilty for ever referencing anything, and I feel maybe I am overreacting or misremembering.

There were some good times but the bad times outnumbered them. They were both drinkers and I wonder if they don't remember? It's only because if my sister that I know I'm not crazy.

But I do love them both dearly, flawed people that they are. I just find it hard to talk to either of them.

I hope that my children never deal with what I did.

maddy68 · 02/08/2019 02:39

Terrible relationship with my estranged dad, strained relationship with mum , amazing relationship with step dad. Honestly I feel fairly well balanced. You make your own choices in life. You decide how to react , no one else.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:39

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tryingtobebetterallthetime · 02/08/2019 02:49

My Father was a very intelligent, and high achieving person. He was also very demanding of himself. He was also very demanding of me and had very high expectations. I was a bit scared of his judgment of me. If you did something, even as an adult, that resulted in a not so good outcome, like dropping something that broke, you were fairly harshly judged. If I got A marks he would ask me where were the A pluses. He kind of joked but I got the message. He had a bad temper unfortunately.

I loved him dearly. As an adult he was my go to for hard questions about my work etc. I know he was proud of me.

But, I too am too hard on myself. I have achieved a fair bit professionally, but I still have a bad case of imposter syndrome. I am afraid of risk taking and making a bad mistake.

I really miss my Dad.

Sobeyondthehills · 02/08/2019 02:50

I was the mistake, I am still not sure if finding that out was better than thinking I was the child trying to make their relationship work.

I am not close to my mother and there is a massive difference in how she treats us. I am very close to my Dad though, when I was young it was different, but now I am seeing how my childhood was with adult eyes

HotelRoomforOne · 02/08/2019 02:52

My mother:
I can't remember her spending any time with me as I was growing up, she passed me over to my father who could be good fun but also had a vicious and violent temper that was quite terrifying.

As I grew into an older child my mother became very jealous of my relationship with my father and would punish me with her coldness if she saw me getting along with my father. This really fucked me up as a child, as I felt like I was not permitted to be close to either parent, and I stopped trying to communicate with them, or to seek their affection (their was none).

As a teenager I wanted out and did a lot of things that my mother was disgraced by. She let me know with her criticism and chastisement what a disappointment I was. I was just looking for love/affection/ acceptance outside the house. She expected a model child/ successful young adult to just appear, after putting in no actual parenting effort herself.
As an adult I have not felt like a person in my own right, only wasted potential and failure. Both my parents have given me this feeling through their lack of parenting. Only since I had my own children have I begun to feel in any way worthy of my own life. I am No Contact with my parents but continue to feel sad and guilty about this.
I check my parenting all day every day to ensure I don't continue their patterns. But from this thread it seems that all kinds of parenting can cause life long issues in children. I really, really don't want to fuck mine up. If I can manage not to it will be my greatest and proudest acheivment.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 03:01

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SimplySteveRedux · 03/08/2019 07:24

Oh @Namaste6 tears in my eyes reading your message. Bless you

jagack · 03/08/2019 07:29

Grew up very religious and as such have a very disproportionate view on sex and affection but that's the only negative.

They taught me to love fiercely, protect people, work hard and be genuine.

My H on the other hand has been left with numerous issues - so much so they impacted his own parenting, self worth, idea of what a relationship is and we are in the midst of a trial separation did to an emotional affair because I've been prioritising our 2yo.

He is awaiting counselling and I'm also seeking it for my odd view on sex and we will see where we end up. Our biggest goal though is ensuring a secure, rational environment for our child

DuggeesGotHisAnnoyingBadge · 03/08/2019 08:06

It’s taken me years of living on the other side of the country from my parents to see just how much they messed me up.

They don’t believe it’s important to have friends and would encourage me to end friendships for the tiniest little reason, they never showed me how to maintain friendships and this has really affected my life. They were also incredibly strict and had rules for rules sake, they would let me arrange to go on trips or to concerts then at the last minute decide it was ‘too dangerous’ and guilt me into cancelling which again served to ruin friendships.

They wouldn’t let me have fashionable clothes or haircuts, it felt like they wanted me to be the odd one out at school and when I told them I was being bullied they didn’t believe me.

Despite earning good salaries they were really bad with money, so they’d spend all of their money on expensive technology and distance learning courses for my dad but never took us on holiday or had a car that was comfortable for me and my (very tall) siblings to travel in. The house was horrible, threadbare 30 year old carpets and a bathroom with tiles falling off, so I never asked friends to come round because I was too embarrassed.

Looking back it’s clear that they never expected me to have a career, I was supposed to get a low paid receptionist job, get married and have children, they’ve made it clear that they’re disappointed in me for working once I became a mother.

And they never put a penny aside for me or my siblings, when they got an inheritance of around £100k they spent the lot on themselves and didn’t even put £1k aside for us in case we got married or towards a house deposit, I know some people will say it’s their money to spend as they like but I couldn’t do that to my own children.

It feels good to write this down, even if no one will read it.

Darkhistory · 03/08/2019 08:23

I can't put my history down here - it's too severe. Both my parents nearly killed me - more than once. I was profoundly damaged & have spent an obscene amount on therapy which still continues. My experiences made me over-compensate with my own dc. I am now in the process of prosecuting one of my parents - decades later. I lost my entire extended family. It's been incredibly hard.

Neron · 03/08/2019 08:33

Where would I begin...well my real father used to bear my DM, quite often when she was holding me. I was then used as a pawn in their parental battle over the years. He didn't want me, just to wind my DM up. Adopted by my Dad, very strict and violent upbringing. He committed suicide.
My DM is lazy, she puts men before me and my siblings. I've done well in life to not be anything like her and she uses it to bring me down. Guilt tripping, blackmail, emotional abuse. I'm always financially bailing her out. I resent the 3 of them for fucking up my life and leaving me with anxiety and mental health issues.
On the bright side, I'm nothing like them, work hard in life and I have the most amazing DH anyone could ask for.

Euromillsplz · 02/09/2019 22:05

Hi @growlingbear
What you say about procrastination- I could be reading this about myself. From as far back as I can remember, I've always been paralysed when it comes to getting stuff done. Anything. The smallest things, and everything else on top of that.

I too was constantly in fear of my dad's mood swings. Perhaps the two are linked. That and constant, undermining put downs whilst growing up, and the active squashing of any ambitions or hopes for the future. We were made to feel like irritations. As a consequence, in my 40s I still have no idea what I want to do. I'm in a job I've really never wanted to do, and also feel like a massive imposter.
I'm despondent and depressed. Trying my best to not pass this on to my DD. Worried I'm failing.

Euromillsplz · 02/09/2019 22:09

Also @growlingbear (and others) I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and for the long term suffering it's caused.
I hope that speaking in places like this, and your therapy will help you heal x

Euromillsplz · 02/09/2019 22:14

(Sorry @growlingbear- last one I promise!) But you've really struck a chord with me because of how much I relate- my pathological inability to ask for help hinders me on a daily basis.

It's a revelation to hear someone else's story which, although not identical to mine (your father's outbursts sound far worse), seems to have caused very similar issues.

Wishing you peace and happiness 🙏

Fluffiest · 02/09/2019 22:37

My upbringing was normal to the point of dullness. I used to think as a teenager that I would never want a life like my parents. Dad worked full time, mum part time. Camping holidays. Lots of days outs with other families. Walks, swimming, playing in the fields. We'd have an open house nearly every Sunday afternoon and friends would come round for a brew and a chat. They kept friendships going for thirty years and longer. My best friends were the children of their best friends and even our grand parents were on good terms with one another.

Now that I'm older my parents lifestyle is exactly what I want. They taught me community and being content with the simple things in life. They also really love one another and me and my brother. They never made us feel like we were in the way. Us being together, having fun always seemed to make them happiest, still does. I'm very grateful for them.

Malvinaa81 · 02/09/2019 22:53

I must count myself as lucky in having had good parents, not too many rules to follow, and a happy home.

In turn I have stood by my parents and have done my best as they grew old, experienced health problems and died

Aria2015 · 02/09/2019 22:56

My dad left when I was young and has never had any interest in me which obviously caused me a lot of heartache. I'd like to ask him if he has any regrets about that but I suspect I wouldn't like the answer.

My mother however made me feel loved every day of my childhood - she still does. She's not perfect, no parent is, but she has never intentionally hurt me and she has always had my best interests at heart. I hope that my lo thinks of highly of me as a mother as I do of her when he's grown up.

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