To ask how your childhood/relationship with parents has impacted your adult life?

[MegaMonsterMunch]

I read so many threads about adults who are quite simply so damaged by their childhoods and upbringing. I could write a series on my own experiences.

How do you feel your childhood/upbringing has impacted your now adult life? This doesn't have to be negative, I'd love to hear the positive too.

I think I'd say that as mine was so negative, it has made me into a better parent I ever thought I could be, as I would never put my children in situations that I was put in.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

I know this isn't an AIBU, sorry, just interested to talk and vent or celebrate.

DM was a (barely) functioning alcoholic but was never deliberately abusive. DF buried his head and ignored it. We never wanted for anything as kids and had a good childhood but I was and still am emotionally scarred by never feeling good enough for my mum.

I am a pathological people pleaser, try to “save” people and have a need to know or discuss things which stems I think from whispering and secrets as a child.

But I am a bloody good mum, my DD will never feel like she isn’t the most important person in my life.

@growingfrenchlavender I cannot believe how similar your family dynamic was to mine. Very, very similar mother, except that my DB took the brunt of the bullying unfortunately. That’s another very sad story.
Everyone is still alive though. Since I became an adult DM has had two full and complete breakdowns. I have now come to realise that she was a deeply unhappy and troubled woman while I was a child. Not an excuse to have shat on two childhoods, but at least now I can see things from an adult perspective and can understand how unhappy their marriage was (and is).

I had a wonderful childhood and I am still very close to my family. However, it took me a few attempts at counselling to accept that my Dad's competive nature fed into my anxiety and feelings of never being good enough. No animosity from me about that, he wanted me to achieve everything I could but often got it wrong in his approach. I realise and am grateful for my family. I do remember crying about something mean that my GM said to me, she often did and does, and my Mum saying that my Dad is a great Dad because he knew exactly how not to parent. He certainly had a DM worthy of some MN posts. I do wish I'd been encouraged more to go away to Uni, my family are all still local over generations and it "wasn't for the likes of us", although I did go to Uni locally. I grew up seeing my Mum being close to her Mum and siblings so I've copied that. Yes, it has impacted me but mostly for the better. I'm so sorry to read all of the negative experiences.

"I try and make myself book a train ticket or an Airbnb without checking with someone I know that it's okay and that I'm booking the right thing, or that it's a good thing. Really incredibly frustrating."

It's interesting: I can do all that in my personal life as it's usually just for me and it's just me who'll suffer if I mess it up, although I'm always nervous when I press the pay button, BUT I'm totally like you at work. Someone has to check what I'm doing all the time and I think that comes from my first jobs where I wasn't trusted even with the smallest thing.

My parents were lovely generally. They didn't believe in corporal punishment (unusual in the early 60s), I had just the right amount of freedom, they never judged, they welcomed my friends. I felt safe and loved. But it wasn't until I was an adult that I realised my mum had a big emotional block. She loved me and my sister, but she could be quite dismissive of people's problems. (Her oldest friend developed dementia and she wasn't very sympathetic.) Talking to her sister I realised most of her siblings were the same and they in turn were affected by her mother's probable BPD. They danced around trying to gain her favour without upsetting her. I think mum faked it till she made it, though I never realised till i was older.(I know some of her sisters were very like their mum-cold and difficult) I've always tried to be honest in my parenting and I feel for my mum and how she must have struggled.

I’m one of the lucky ones but I still have issues.
My parents were great. We always knew they loved us and had our backs but they weren’t very tactile and gave us a lot of independence. We would go out and they’d never ask where we’d been or what we’d got up to. They never asked about homework and never knew what we were doing at school.
I got away with a lot and loved it as a child.
As an adult, I hate hugs and physical contact and also having to ‘answer’ to anyone. My poor mother in law used to ask me questions if I’d gone out but I felt like she was interrogating me when all she was doing was showing was interest.
It really affects my relationship with my husband too as I feel like I shouldn’t have to answer to him! He’s not even asking me to but it just feels like that to me. I’m also not very affectionate.
I hate routine and resent being tied to doing something, even if it’s something I wanted to do in the first place.
Also, I’m really interested in everything my kids do. I know who their friends are, what they do in school, what they do on their phones but I also give them a lot of freedom and tell them that they’re free to make they’re own choices in life. I hug them loads too even though it feels awkward to me.

I’m sure they’ll be able to tell me my faults when they’re older and look back on their childhood!

I had a great relationship with my parents but from the moment I brought home a school report with a few A's on it, they ran away with the idea that I was some kind of prodigy. I know now that I had no particular talent, I was just diligent and good at following instructions, which generally meant I got good marks. But my parents were convinced that I was talented and brilliant and would "go far."
This made me feel immense pressure to perform academically, not through any ambition of my own but because I didn't want to disappoint them. I pushed myself to my absolute limit and struggled with terrible performance anxiety, but got good A-levels and went to university, where I floundered because I was essentially out of my depth. To this day I struggle with anxiety under any kind of pressure, and feel terror at the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone.
I don't blame my parents for this - they only wanted the best for me and thought that pushing me to reach my potential was the way to achieve that. But I won't be doing that with my DD. She will have support and encouragement to follow whatever path she chooses, but I won't risk damaging her with too-high expectations.

Abused physically and mentally, caused me non stop issues in adulthood which ended in a full mental break down which I am still recovering from today. Its made me a far better mum to my three kids as I've always always been everything mine wasn't and have three wonderful kids that I'm so proud of but have sadly also seen me at my worst due to flashbacks and depression etc.
One thing I wish I could go back and say as a child I guess would be. If you can't love me please just let someone adopt me who will.

• My mother was horrible - just spent her life grinding us down so we had no self-esteem. It made me into a real people-pleaser, I've always been scared of confrontation / arguments because of her.

In a way , I think it made me a good parent though ...I knew how awful it was to have a bad mother so everything she did, I did the opposite. It worked out really well - I have a great relationship with my children now.*

This

I’d ask my mum why she didn’t leave.

Upside of childhood - I’m resilient and can cope with everything myself. I provide for me and ds without any issues so far.

Downside - I will never trust or rely on a man for anything.

Which makes life challenging because I have a son who I love. I hope he has the honestly & decency I’ve not found in any other man. I have to be very careful not to let my past experiences influence my parenting.

Another who was lucky enough to have had wonderful parents and an upbringing that made me and my siblings the confident, capable, kind, community minded people we are today. The made us all believe in ourselves, and also showed us, by example, to be kind and considerate to others.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

Thank you. I hope I am doing even 1/2 as good a job as you did in bringing up my dc.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

Why did you have to die, Dad?

Profound I know, and not a lot he could have done about the situation to be honest! But it's how I feel.

I could write pages about this... but I'll be brief! I tell my children I love them and hug them every day. I never experienced this from my own mother.

I had strict parents who wanted the best for us. There were expectations too. Us kids were expected to try hard at school and to be well behaved especially visiting relatives etc. There was no swearing or even shouting allowed.
I used to think my parents were heavy on us but they gave us a lot of knowledge.
I am in the baby boomer age group. We were all well behaved polite and respectful to our parents and all other adults we were in contact with.
On the other side of the coin my own DC are quite badly behaved since mid teens. Their swearing is constant. The dont talk they shout all the time. The speak slang all the time. As young DCs they could be taken anywhere and they were fine.
When they met their various partners they dropped their standards. I used to blame the partners but my DC should have known better.
To answer the OP I had a good childhood and was happy with my family. We had a lot of fun but that is over now. If I am with my relatives I am usually being shouted and sworn at and criticised mercilessly.
Such is my life now. The choice is put up with my DC being awful and the DGC now starting to copy them or take myself well out of the way.

I don't have a relationship with my dad. I found him when I was 25 but just realised he would never be what I wanted or needed. I don't blame him at all for my childhood, I understand that his mental health meant if he bought me up it would have been worse.

I can't understate the damage my mother and stepfather have inflicted on me. I have been in therapy a year and I can't cope with dealing with the trauma yet.

I am left with significant mental health problems that have cost me dearly, dealing with the fact that she will never believe me because of what he did and also the sinking realisation that she was complicit in it all.

My therapist has to reassure me that it wasn't my fault but, I still blame my self. I am sinking in the shame and feel like I am alone with it all.

My dad was wildly inappropriate. He had no boundaries and saw us as peers rather than children, so we watched incredibly unsuitable things on TV and he’d make lecherous comments about women in the street. I have an unusual attitude towards sex and I think it’s because I was exposed to sexualised content at a young age.

My mum was the complete opposite- entirely disinterested in anything I did and didn’t really care what I got up to so long as I stayed out of the way. So I got used to being quite insular, spending a lot of time on my own, reading and drawing. Although I’m very confident and bubbly as an adult, I need to spend a lot of time on my own to recharge and relax.

I don’t think either of those are necessarily bad things, but I can definitely see the impact my parents had on me as an adult.

My mum was (and still is) cold hearted person ever. Never any affection for anyone, including my dad -(no sex life) fuck knows how he put up with her for 50 odd years. Her sister is dying, and all mum can think about is - that she would outlive her like its a competition.

We never got hugged, or a well done etc if we achieved something. She never bothered to anything with us. Imposed stupid rules (had to go home for out lunch every bloody day so we wouldn't fall into the crowd!).

Why she got married, had 4 kids and became a SAHM is still a mystery .

Made me very affectioned with my DD (hugged her most days until she was a teen!), always took her on holiday even if it was just camping or to the park, played football etc with her - didn't have to be expensive but always did something with her.

Upshot is my dad was very lovely, such a gent and always made the time for all four of kids - always look us on hikes etc.

My mother disliked me. She was actively jealous of my close relationship with my father. My grandmother tried to protect me, as did my dad, but he also made excuses for her behaviour.

She loved my younger siblings and they were treated completely differently, we’re all full siblings.

She destroyed my self confidence with put downs, and slaps and vile words and then damaged it a bit more by having regular sex with my then husband when I grew up and escaped. After all, if your own mother hates you enough to not give a fuck how you feel why would anyone else consider you of any worth..

It took a lot of counselling and an amazing second husband to show me that I wasn’t the problem.

I make damned sure my kids feel loved, valued and confident.

Rachie1973 am I reading that right? Your mum had sex with your husband?

If so, I’m so sorry that happened.

My mum met a guy when I was younger, around 1 and we moved in with him. He was a father figure to me but their relationship was turbulent. Weekends were alcohol fuelled and involved lots of arguments. She left him when I was around 8 and that's when the drinking daily started. Coming home from school she'd be drunk everyday. Didn't show any interest in me, always blamed me for everything. It just escalated from there over the years really. Whenever my friends would call me, she'd just say they were bored and didn't really like me. My first boyfriend, who is now my husband, she told me there's no way he liked me and he was just using me. My sister very much has her head in the sand about everything. I bore the brunt of everything and still do. I wish I had run away at 16. There's so much that I could say. I never knew love or hugs and I'm the polar opposite with my children now, they are showered with affection. They'll never need to wonder what side of their mum they are getting today. It's all terribly sad that so many of us have been through horrible experiences.

My dad... non existent and I cut him off as soon as I could. Useless man.

I guess in a round about way I'd say Thanks to them for showing me how NOT to do it.

To everybody who has suffered and there are some really sad stories here - you're not and never have been the problem. The problem is your parents. You're wonderful people who deserve love and happiness. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.

On the negative side it has left me unable to hold anything more than a basic admin job as I can't cope with pressure. It also has a big impact on my marriage as I overreact to the smallest thing. If I drop a cup I start attacking myself and get so worked up.

On the plus side I parent well and my DS is having a very different childhood.

Interestingly I overreact to little things but am very resilient to big things. I can get over pretty much any betrayal, probably because I always knew it would come one day!

I was thinking about this yesterday.

I'm overall disappointed with my childhood. In retrospect my parents did very little for me they did love me and installed a good work ethic in me they just never seemed interested in what I did. I had too much freedom.

We never went on holiday or days out. Summer holiday we were just left whilst they went wo work we were 12 10 and 8.
My mum never bought me clothes, personal bits like pads or deodorant. I had to buy it all myself. I had jobs from age 13.

It's so alien to me when I look at my own 4 why they just didn't bother that much.
Only my mum is alive now and our relationship is sadly dominated by her failing health and I care a lot for her, do her housework etc. I'm sure she wouldn't do it for me though.

Always claimed they didn't have any money to do stuff but they did they just chose to spend it on themselves. We lived in a massive house and they both worked.