To ask how your childhood/relationship with parents has impacted your adult life?

[MegaMonsterMunch]

I read so many threads about adults who are quite simply so damaged by their childhoods and upbringing. I could write a series on my own experiences.

How do you feel your childhood/upbringing has impacted your now adult life? This doesn't have to be negative, I'd love to hear the positive too.

I think I'd say that as mine was so negative, it has made me into a better parent I ever thought I could be, as I would never put my children in situations that I was put in.

If you could say one thing to your parents about your childhood, what would it be?

I know this isn't an AIBU, sorry, just interested to talk and vent or celebrate.

Mine have narc tendencies particularly my Mum. Not extreme just that they were/ are still the 'star' of their lives and I'm some kind of bit player.

Some of that led to a lot of great 1970/ 80s benign neglect where I played out and went where i wanted for hours... some of it is about never being taken seriously or feeling loved or important.

It left me with a lot of problems properly recognising my own emotions ( they were always dismissed or repressed) and even now with expressing them.

It does amuse me now to see them do it to my kids but i am in a position to take them aside and talk it through. Things like when they couldn't get the hang of a game (Cluedo) they accused DD of cheating. Me and DD laugh about it - still not going to confront them about it though!

Because DM is so self absorbed, and that I’ve always had to put her feeling first, I find it incredibly difficult to invest in myself. I am terrible at little decisions (ie what clothes to wear) and find it difficult to like myself because I’ve never known how to be kind to myself. I learnt this through therapy and I am now LC with her. I am very keen to be different from her but worry daily that I’m not.

DF, even though he could be a bit too direct and/or critical, was quite laid back and more “in the moment” and found time for travel, music, people, history. He was very generous too. He died and I miss him every day.

I'm a long term depressive person with the worst procrastination problems of anyone I've ever met (I can genuinely take ten years to do a job other people think they've procrastinated on by leaving it for weeks.)

I recently learned this is symptomatic of having a narcissistic parent. I used to be paralysed by his mood swings, because one day he could praise you for something that the next day would provoke a two hour furious rant, tears, tantrums and suicide threats. It's left me terrified to do anything. I also over-care for others, fussing over my sons in a way that frankly irritates them now they are teens. But I so desperately don't want them to feel neglected and like they don't matter, which I did throughout childhood: no clothes or shoes that fitted, inadequate sanitation, chaotic home, all focus on dad and how he felt at all times. An entire family walking on eggshells and living in poverty when actually he had stashed away thousands for his own use, good socialist that he professes he is

In my mid fifties I've finally gone low contact with my parents and feel like I am just beginning to come up for air.I've discovered I never ask for help. Pathologically. I used to be deeply jealous of friends at college who had a problem and would bounce off to a tutor or Dean to get emotional or financial support. I'd have far severer problems and just endure. I do way too much enduring of physical and mental and emotional and financial issues. i'm just starting to learn to ask for help, though I do give off a vibe of not needing it. I've tried to see a therapist about six times and they've all told me to go away in a brisk note with no warmth or suggestions of where else to look, as if the universe is saying: help is for others.

I just read Tara Westover's (brilliant) Educated but a small part in the back of my mind felt so jealous: how did she learn to ask for help so early on, in her twenties? What a difference that must have made.

I hope fifties isn't too late to sort myself out. It seems a common age for women to face up to difficult childhoods, when we are safely past child rearing age ourselves.

My mum is a very very good parent to younger children. She was also a good parent to me as a teenager, much less so to my brother and sister. She was so busy though. My dad is an adult man who remains fundamentally 6 years old when dealing with other people. He was an inadequate husband and pretty useless father, as any 6 year old would be.

My childhood has left me deeply sure that I'm lovable and can look after myself. It's also left me certain that men are fragile creatures who need protecting and who are basically decorative. This has led to poor choices of husband and the poor guys have quite a tricky time with me. I'm also only sometimes close to my siblings, our experiences were so different.

Oh shit.

My childhood was abusive, emotionally and neglectfully, and I was raped and then sexually assaulted in another incident. My mother was/is a narcissistic psychotic bitch and my father is her weak, typical enabler. He chose to stay with a woman who was extremely abusive to me, over leaving with my brother and me, because he is a weak man with skewed priorities. I'm early 40s now, LC, and there has never been any acceptable of responsibility or apologies from either of them. In addition my brother was the golden child, lauded for doing anything and talked up all the time, whereas I was scapegoated - although both parents were happy to take any achievements I received as they were clearly directly responsible.

I was a straight A student through school, although my homework in all subjects was abjectly poor. It pisses me off to this day that nobody saw red flags in it. Someone amazing in class, but scraping the barrel at home.

Today I'm in a 20+ year relationship with two grown children. LC with parents. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD (rape/sexual assault), CPTSD (childhood abuse), M.E, Fibromyalgia, IBD, suspected Myasthenia Gravis, suspected Arthritic Psoriasis, other autoimmune conditions, bedbound and a wheelchair user. My childhood is directly responsible for all this, and it wouldn't be a shock to develop more conditions in the next 10 years. My ACEs score of five is in the higher rates. (acestoohigh.com/)

I had great parents and a great childhood, I still didn't turn out very good though. I guess it's all on me!

One thing was both my parents are a little awkward, and I've grown up totally awkward. Was that inevitable, as I was rarely exposed to any non awkward conversation? But they couldn't help that.

I'm currently trying to think of a way I can expose my son to normal social interactions. But how? I don't interact normally, my parents/family don't and because I'm awkward I don't have any friends.

They never showed any physical affection either and neither do I now, although I wish I could. I used to watch friends in high school hugging and wish someone would hug me. My husband also would rather cut his hands off than hug me. So maybe it's not that my parents aren't affectionate, it's that I repel people.

@growlingbear yes yes to the procrastination and the inability to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent now to the point where I find it very difficult to show weaknesses or relinquish control....

@DiscontinuedModelHusband, wow that is the most succinct description of me..... knowing how to tackle it is hard!

Oh, and as a result, I hate men (the sexual abuse), distrust women (thanks mum) which makes life rather difficult, and why I rather vent my spleen online than face-to-face where going to the doctor (female) makes me on the verge of a panic attack. I cannot establish proper relationships.

Good things?

Yes, resilience. From being a straight A student to being denied college by said parents, I now have two,degrees, am published, highly regarded in my field (well, prior to disability fucking me over ten years ago).

Stoicism. Nothing moves me.

Love and respect. Nothing, and nobody will ever hurt or persecute my children or my partner, and I call out sexism and disablism.

Fire. The fire inside burns as hot as it ever has to "be something, to matter". I just need to temper my expectations with the reality of my disabilities.

Empathy and insight. Something that was never offered to me. Prior disability I altruistically donated a kidney.

What would I ask my parents? Why the living fuck didn't you place me into care seeing as you neglected, persecuted and abused me. Love wasn't on your gender. I'd also send them the lyrics to Darren Hayes - Unlovable.

My parents are lovely - my mum is very caring and my dad is the kindest person I know. I always knew how much they loved me, so as an adult I have healthy self esteem. My DH says I'm very easy to live with!

I think I'm a good parent to my own DC, but I also think it's easier for me because I had good role models.

The only area of their parenting I would criticise is that I think I was set up to have an unhealthy relationship with food. My mum had food issues herself, and as adults I am overweight and my brother is morbidly obese even though we both try so hard to diet. It's a minor thing compared to what some of you have suffered though.

It has definitely affected my confidence and self esteem. I have abandonment issues, low opinion of myself (I've definitely never 'loved myself), put other people before myself always, struggled with feelings, not good at dealing with stress, put up with things in relationships where I should put my foot down and be stronger, have bad anxiety about letting people down/doing things wrong, used to have some anger issues but they are much better now and a tendency to self sabotage. I'm 40 now and although things things still affect me, they have improved over the years. Some of the things I mentioned were crippling in my 20's and early 30's and my mental health suffered.

My childhood wasn't great. No stability, no love, with emotional, physical and sexual abuse thrown in.

I think my self esteem was worst affected, especially during my teens and 20s. How I felt about myself meant I couldn't cope well with life and I was up and down. Luckily I my late 20s I reached out for help, and got it.

I'm in my 30s now and doing fantastically well. I have no ill feeling about my past, I see it's made me resilient, kind, empathetic, and very grateful for my peaceful life now.

We have no control over what we are dealt in childhood, but we a can take back that control in adulthood and make the most of what we have.

I had a wonderful childhood. Thanks to my mum. My dad worked shifts while me and my brother were little, so most of the child rearing was down to my mum (in fact, nearly all of it was) My mum was/is the most selfless, caring, loving person I know. She was/is an amazing mum. My dad however, saw us as an inconvenience and never really dud anything with us.
I remember days out with my mum, picnics, swimming, arts and crafts, birthday parties, dinner parties she’d do for me and my friends, horse riding, bike rides etc. I don’t have a single memory of doing anything with my dad.
He left the family home when I was 11 and set up home with the woman he’d been having an affair with for the past 4 years. My mum knew about it but ignored it, hoping he’d see sense and choose us.
He didn’t.

Thankfully my mum went on to meet a wonderful man who she married 3 years later and is still so, so happy with 30 years later. My dad, however, has just divorced his 4th wife and is miserable and lonely. He lives 10 mins from me and I haven’t seen him in over a year. He hasn’t seen his GC in nearly 2.

I’d like to think I turned out like my mum. I would do absolutely anything for my children and I love them unconditionally.
I have a wonderful relationship with my mum and she is so close to my DC. I pity my dad, I think he’s missed out on watching his own children grow up and now his GC.

I would be gutted if anyone ever thought I was like my dad.

My mum shouldn't ever have had a daughter. I'm sorry for both of us that she did.

This is a poem by Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

The worst effect my upbringing had on me was that I was a shitty parent when my DC were small. I was very young and still under my mother’s thrall. Not that that’s any excuse.

I thought good mums shouted, disciplined, smacked. It keeps me awake at night. I was vile.

I realised something was wrong and went and got help. I’ve spent every day since making it up to my now adult DC. We now have a brilliant relationship and are very close - for which I feel incredibly fortunate.

I have zero self esteem as a direct consequence of the way my mother behaved toward me.

She told me - repeatedly - that I was fat and restricted the food I ate. Refused to let me do any physical activities though, citing my weight as an issue. Blamed me for being an overweight child. Nothing I did was ever good enough. No matter what mark I got in any test at school it was always “where did you come in the class”. Thing was, I was a high achiever in a year of high achievers: I did sometimes come top, but if not, I was usually in the top 5 in the year. That was never good enough.

She refused to let me to A-Levels of my choice on the grounds I needed to do traditional academic ones to get into Oxbridge, where she wanted me to go. So I did what she insisted and did badly (for what I was capable of). Still she talks about my disastrous results 22 years later, even though I’ve gone on to do quite well in life.

I didn’t have a trail of boys after me at high school. Sometimes it got me down. Her response was “one day, someone will find you attractive”.

Even today I’m still the fat, ugly child.

My parents really damaged my relationship with my sister. Not intentionally, but they did.
All throughout the childhood they made us resent one another. She was older, therefore - intelligent, responsible, sensible - and i must strive to be like her and obey her. And i was the little one - who should get a nicer treat and needs to be looked after. So neither she wanted to look after me, nor i wanted to listen to her. And as adults, of course she has a respectable job, a nice house, exemplary marriage, and me... i left the country i don't have "much to show for" because just not good enough for their standards.

Fish can totally relate, I play the older sister role in your scenario. My parents always told me how jealous she was of me, so I felt guilty about what I had, don’t really tell her much, so we’re not in touch enough. It’s a terrible thing, we try to overcome it, but it’s hard. I also feel as if I should have defended her from them more, but I accepted what they said to keep the peace. It doesn’t work though.
I hope you and your sister can find each other again one day.

Throughout my childhood I was well fed and dressed, but lacked a relationship with each parent.

My mum was a serial gossip who would constantly tell me I was fat among other things. She told people what I had said to her in confidence and would laugh at me when she thought I wasn't looking. She's clingy, controlling and complains about our lack of relationship. Her words have caused me to be very self conscious, have imposter syndrome and I have to double/triple check my work before I send it out. I also suffered with anorexia and bulimia before self harming. Luckily I've been able to get CBT to help with this and will soon see a therapist.

My dad had no interest in me past academic qualifications, if I wasn't top I wasn't good enough. I felt immense pressure to do well and sometimes sabotaged myself so I could say I was dumb on purpose.

On top of that I had overall responsibility for my siblings and cousins and was blamed for everything they did wrong. The age gap was 0-4 years and while i'm close to them now, they complain that during childhood I was mean and they hated me because I had to parent them while their parents gallivanted off. To this day it's left me cold and detached, and it's hard for me to care about others.

@newmomof1 . I could have written your words verbatim. No affair but alcoholism and violence.

I'm certain my siblings have suffered mentally too especially the eldest. The upside? I knew the type of marriage I didn't want and I knew the type of parent I didn't want to be.

Thankfully I have a wonderful marriage and I'm an amazing parent! 🙏

@SimplySteveRedux I feel heartbroken for you. The mere fact you have been able to post that message speaks so very highly of your inner strength, despite everything. I hope one day that you will find complete peace. 💕

Such an interesting thread.
My mum believes she does everything right. She nakes no mistakes, ever. She is extremely competitive amd attention seeking. Any achievement we made was not as good as her. Yet she would boast about us.
As an adult she berates me constantly. She has sworn and shouted at me in the street because I disagreed with her.
So I have been brought up to believe that I am not doing well and should never talk as though I am.
I am purposefully as different to her as I can be. I try to be calm, quiet, modest and kind. Above all, kind. Especially to my children.

Grew up with an abusive, gaslighting womanising alcoholic father and a doormat mother. My father worked at a senior level at the local council and was well known in the town, model citizen and very well connected. It was the late 80s and he could pull all sorts of strings.

Then one day, after 17 years my mothers snapped. He was having his umpteenth affair with a woman next door which apparently went for years. She chucked him out and filed for divorce. He reacted by trying to storm the house, kicking in the door few months later like a lot of abusive men do when their power and control is taken away. My mother called the police, took him to court and he was done for domestic violence. Got suspended sentence but still. He tried his best: compromised most of town's lawyers before my mother got to them for example. Pulled strings at the local prosecutor's office to have the court dates delayed. Some evidence went walkies in the local police station. You get the gist. But my suddenly heroic mother prevailed. I learned never to take any shit from a man. And that you could overcome nigh impossible obstacles with dogged determination and grit. She's my hero.

However, for 17 years in the family dynamic I was my father's his golden child and my older brother was a whipping boy. It was an awful toxic dynamic which soured my sibling relationship forever. We are estranged now. It's sad but my brother turned into my father, violent and abusive to his partners and has an alcohol problem too. Blames it on his bad childhood and refuses to get help.

My mother lives with huge guilt that she didn't leave earlier but managed to create a rich and fulfilling life fir herself. Never remarried though and is happily single.

My father died at the age of 45 from a massive haemorrhage having drunk, smoked and womanised his way to death.

My mother stayed with an abusive husband for far longer than she should. Lovely kind woman but sadly a doormat. She could never explain why she did not leave until I was mid teens.

As an adult I will not let people boss me around. I hate arguments (parents fought constantly) but I just withdraw and shut down. I hate people being unnecessarily mean.
And I talk to my kids about all sorts of things, so they can understand why I make the decisions I make.

And my DH is a lovely gentle man who would never be aggressive to me. He knows I would be off (But also I chose the polar opposite to my father, in every way,