AIBU to tell you all of the horrible things I've done to keep smoking?

[Smokinghag]

I have NC as I'm so very embarrassed.

I'll preface this by telling you my intentions. I've quit smoking cigarettes (going on 20 days) I have quit before but have gone back to it time and time again. I hope that by purging all of the awful things I've done to keep smoking (and reading the comments that tell me how horrible I am) it will help me to stay away from them. I cannot tell anyone IRL I would be too ashamed.

I'm a nurse also, I see every day how much damage cigarette smoking does to the body and families (I think I get allocated to patients who have had awful smoking related surgeries on purpose or perhaps I'm just sensitive to them). I have also had cancer (non smoking related) and know first hand how devastating such a diagnosis is.

I'm also in Australia where a pack of 20's costs about $30 now.

So here goes and I'll try not to drip feed but comments might remind me of more....

• I have 3 children and I smoked during each pregnancy. Almost worse I had quit smoking before I was pregnant with my 3rd and took it up again when I was about 6months pregnant - can't give a reason, what kind of asshole does that?
• I have secretly smoked for years and blatantly lied to my husband and children because I didn't want them to be mad with me (or stop me smoking). I've also brought other people into supporting my lie so that I can smoke with them, my sister in particular
• I have made up activities that I was doing so that I could leave the house and secretly smoke
• I have turned down social activities when the DC are at school so I could smoke in peace at home
• I've told the DC that the afternoon is a bad day for a play date bc I thought that might interrupt how many ciggies I could get in before my husband got home
• I've actively diverted the DC'a attentions from me to iPads and TV so I could have a smoke
• I've grumpily responded to falls and hurts with the DC because I was about to smoke and now I couldn't
• I've avoided housework when home alone so that I could have a lovely day smoking in peace
• I have stolen shared money to buy cigarettes
• I've half filled the car so that I could pretend that I'd spent the right amount on petrol when really I'd used half to buy smokes
• I have taken money from each of my children's money box's to buy smokes because my I knew my husband would get upset if he knew I'd bought cigarettes (he wisened up to me coming home with few groceries for the cost or withdrawing cash for no reason). I haven't paid it back yet but I will.

Ugh! I'm a horrible person and I'm going to hell. I really wish I'd never taken up smoking. It's turned me into a common Junkie. If you met me you wouldn't think I'd be capable of all this but I really am a selfish, lying, rotten thief.

Do your worst.

What are you hoping to achieve from this post ?

It’s wonderful you’ve stopped smoking now, I think you can be very proud of yourself. I’d like to quit too.

I would be far more concerned about the lying and the stealing than the smoking tbh.

@IAskTooManyQuestions she said she wants us to essentially berate her for being so shit so as to keep her on the straight and narrow. Did you not read that bit?

OP - Christ sake! Serious addiction there, are you doing anything, patches/inhalator to help you stay away from cigarettes? 20days and counting - don't let yourself and your kids down.

Do you think it's turned in to a bit of a control thing? It's one thing that you can do that no one knows about and I'm sorry but it reads that you don't have much autonomy at home re: accounting for groceries and petrol. Are you smoking as a kind of rebellion?

Yup, all very, very bad! Just looking back on this list will surely be good motivation.

Good luck!

Ah OP there’s already a lot of shame and self loathing in your post, I don’t think you need more from strangers. Well done for stopping smoking, you should be proud of what you have achieved over the last 20 days.

IAsk she is being honest with herself.

OP, it’s an addiction. I think that was a brave post and that also you are probably not going to go back to it now.

Your husband and kids will definitely have known you smoked even though you hid it. You can always smell the disgusting smell on bodies, clothes and breath. I’ve worked with people who have tried to hide it and I can always tell.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You had an addiction.

Do you have access to money that you could, if you wished, spend on cigarettes?

In case anyone has forgotten, smoking isn’t a crime!

My mother was like this. I had no idea until my father let it slip after she died. Have you received any CBT for your addiction?

What the fuck OP you are crackers!

Op, will you now write a post of all great thing that will be when you stop smoking completely. Ie, more money to spend on kids. You need to focus on the positives.

You can do this.

My mother smoked for over 50 years just before her 70 th birthday she was told she had copd on her birthday she had her last smoke. She is 84 now and has never smoked since.

Keep going smokinghag.

I'm coming up to 9 months smoke free now. Never thought I'd be able to do it.

This is quite common with a lot of smokers. Can’t afford things but find money for cigarettes. Get a bit snappy when they need a cigarette. One of my friends has been married 17 years and her husband still doesn’t know she’s a smoker!
All her family know. They all smoke and cover for her.
You are not a monster for smoking cigarettes. I don’t think making you feel worse about yourself will help you. Stay focused on the positive things about yourself.
And the positives in quitting. Good luck to you.

There’s that saying ‘You can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself you can love’. Self hatred leads only to self sabotage so start being kinder to yourself. Have you tried any nicotine replacement to ease your transition?

You sound exactly like my MIL. She swore blind she had given up smoking and thought she successfully concealed it. She didn't.

Ask any non smoker - no amount of mints, mouthwash, air freshener and febreze covers the smell of smoking.

Sadly she died of lung cancer last year. It was absolutely devastating for everyone but especially for my children and it affected them very badly.

If you can stop now and mean it.

The positives will out-weigh continuing smoking in no time.
Start putting the money you save in a jar!
I couldn't afford to smoke 20 a day now!
The only thing that helped me quit, was the Allen Carr book, but you have to be 95% willing to stop, otherwise it may not work!
Willpower can only get you so far, I definitely believe its mind over matter!!

I don't think horrible posts from people will help. Addiction doesn't work like that. Horrible posts are more likely to make you reach for the fags.

It's great that you have obviously reached the point in your head where you want to quit more than you want to smoke. This might be it, OP. Good luck

Well done - it's a horrible habit but so hard to give up. I've done so many thing since on that list.

Have you thought of keeping an emergency e-cig with you? I told myself it was that or nothing. Took the edge off the cravings for sure.

There's no way everybody doesn't know that you smoke. You will stink. Your breath especially. Your hair, skin, clothes everything.

Get the help you need. Stop lying and stealing. Stealing from your kids is divorce worthy in my book. And just fucking stop. Have you tried vaping? It's less disgusting to be around.

OP,

Could you honestly write a list of good things you've done?

No I'm not going to lay into you at all. Smoking is an addiction and addictions make people do some crazy selfish stuff. Which you know you have done. You sound like you really don't like yourself at all.

Make this day one. Day one of a new you. Don't dwell on this bad shit, it's done now and you can't take it back. So what can you do now going forward? Think of that.

Put the money back in the kids boxes. Start saving what you would spend on cigarettes and spend it on them. Come clean to your DH. You need some support in real life.

Everytime you think of cigarettes train your brain to think of the kids instead. If you can't do this for you then use them as your motivation.

Instead of focusing on how bad things were when you were a smoker, focus on how things have changed now. Now you aren't smoking you have more time for your kids, you don't need to sneak about smoking, you'll have more money, you'll smell better, your not killing yourself. You deserve to be a non smoker.

Please, go talk to the GP and ask what smoking cessation support is available in your area.

DP tried unsuccessfully to give up for years and is doing well now he's on a smoking cessation program. The one he's on gives nicotine replacement, I don't know if you need that or not if you've managed to give up, but worth finding out what's available, and if you don't make it this time, then you could go to it again.

When I gave up I found talking about it really helped, to get over the phase you're at.

So, please keep talking to us!

And also, would you consider coming clean with your DH and say you need help giving up, which you're doing right now?

You don't need to tell him the extent of it, and everything you just told us necessarily. But just that you've been smoking and need help giving up?