AIBU to tell you all of the horrible things I've done to keep smoking?

[Smokinghag]

I have NC as I'm so very embarrassed.

I'll preface this by telling you my intentions. I've quit smoking cigarettes (going on 20 days) I have quit before but have gone back to it time and time again. I hope that by purging all of the awful things I've done to keep smoking (and reading the comments that tell me how horrible I am) it will help me to stay away from them. I cannot tell anyone IRL I would be too ashamed.

I'm a nurse also, I see every day how much damage cigarette smoking does to the body and families (I think I get allocated to patients who have had awful smoking related surgeries on purpose or perhaps I'm just sensitive to them). I have also had cancer (non smoking related) and know first hand how devastating such a diagnosis is.

I'm also in Australia where a pack of 20's costs about $30 now.

So here goes and I'll try not to drip feed but comments might remind me of more....

• I have 3 children and I smoked during each pregnancy. Almost worse I had quit smoking before I was pregnant with my 3rd and took it up again when I was about 6months pregnant - can't give a reason, what kind of asshole does that?
• I have secretly smoked for years and blatantly lied to my husband and children because I didn't want them to be mad with me (or stop me smoking). I've also brought other people into supporting my lie so that I can smoke with them, my sister in particular
• I have made up activities that I was doing so that I could leave the house and secretly smoke
• I have turned down social activities when the DC are at school so I could smoke in peace at home
• I've told the DC that the afternoon is a bad day for a play date bc I thought that might interrupt how many ciggies I could get in before my husband got home
• I've actively diverted the DC'a attentions from me to iPads and TV so I could have a smoke
• I've grumpily responded to falls and hurts with the DC because I was about to smoke and now I couldn't
• I've avoided housework when home alone so that I could have a lovely day smoking in peace
• I have stolen shared money to buy cigarettes
• I've half filled the car so that I could pretend that I'd spent the right amount on petrol when really I'd used half to buy smokes
• I have taken money from each of my children's money box's to buy smokes because my I knew my husband would get upset if he knew I'd bought cigarettes (he wisened up to me coming home with few groceries for the cost or withdrawing cash for no reason). I haven't paid it back yet but I will.

Ugh! I'm a horrible person and I'm going to hell. I really wish I'd never taken up smoking. It's turned me into a common Junkie. If you met me you wouldn't think I'd be capable of all this but I really am a selfish, lying, rotten thief.

Do your worst.

I quit last year and feel so much better in myself. I can breath better, genuinely feels like my chest is lighter.
Do I still get cravings? Yes
Do I often walk past someone smoking and think it smells good? Yes
Have I had a weak drunken moment? Yes and after only 2 cigs I woke up in the morning feeling like i had smoked 40!!

When I did wobble (recent and sober) I lit a cig and It tastes like what I imagine the bottom of an ashtray would taste like. I could smell the smoke on my clothes and hair for hours (I'd had 2 drags) I was pretty disgusted that I had smelt like that for 10 years. I can smell it on someone even if they have only been to the smoke shelter and not smoked, so your family can definitely tell.
Own up to smoking and get the support of your family and look into vaping, worked for me and 4months after using vape I stopped that too.
I don't think the craving ever really goes away but you have to push through and remember that you feel better than you did before!!

@gettofuckthrees - oh I bed to differ, but Im a cynic!

You should've stuck your list somewhere where only you would see it, as it only applies to you personally.

Well done for quitting, and good luck with making it a permanent thing :)

I don't really want to know about the horrible things you may have done in the past though :(

I'd rather read a list of positive things you have done or are aiming for :)

Best of luck x

Givin up nicotine is v hard. What support are you getting.

You can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself you can love
I don't agree. I hate my fat self and never want to be that person again, this got the weight off and keeps it off. Different things work for different people.

Wallywobbles

She won’t smell. She hasn’t smoked for 20 days.

And I guess the difference between you and the OP is that she can stop smoking, whereas I’m not at all sure you can stop being a judgemental berk. You can fix the body and the mind, but I think the soul is harder. Good luck.

Ha! I wonder how many people would have a similar list to you but replace smoking with mobile phone.

Blimey your hardcore but that makes 20 days even more of an achievement. Don't look back - the past is the past, it can't be changed and there will be nothing to gain.
Keep going day by day and be proud of your self. X

What leaps out at me from this list is the very, very addicted behaviour, where everything comes a distant second to the addiction. And that you have stopped for months at a time before but gone back to it.

I would join others in suggesting you seek some kind of support to ensure you don't go back to it. Youre much more of a 'recovering smoker' than a non-smoker atm. I'm not sure the shame of this list will be powerful enough on its own in the long term to keep you off the cigs, although I hope it would.

Oh OP that's so bad... but you already know that, so it's time to forgive yourself and focus on the very positive future you will have if you remain a non-smoker.

Both my grandparents have COPD after decades of smoking. My granny is a relatively young woman but she's on her way out. On oxygen permanently now and can barely talk - her voice is all whispering and croaky and she struggles for breath. It's incredibly sad to see as she was a complete chatterbox. Always animated and full of stories and limericks. Smoking took that away from her and she's all but given up now. Don't put your DC through that. You can do this.

It’s actually brave to admit this, and it was why I gave up as I hated what it made me become

Keep going you can do it

I do vape, it’s way less aggro overall and expense.

30 dollars i couldn't get past 30 dollars that is £17 here for a packet of cigarettes i don't think berating you is going to help is it ? I am an exsmoker and I have done some of the things you have secret smoking can give you a weird rush of excitment that is probably what you were partly feeding off . Well done for quitting this far it is bloody hard I have a crave away fake ciggie I still use occasionally.

Thanks for the reply's everyone and all of the kindness. It means a lot.

To answer a couple of questions (sorry not tagged as I'm on mobile and it's too hard).

My husband is definitely controlling but just about smoking (I don't feel like I'm criticised or questioned about other spending even if it's frivolous), realistically I was spending about $200 per week on nothing. He's a man whose quit smoking when I, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and has never touched another. We both thought he'd be a widower with 3 small kids for a while.

Aside from the cancer, the way he's described his loathing of my smoking is for me to imagine he's addicted to gambling or something else and spending every penny he could find on maintaining his addiction and imagine how I would feel/what I would do. I have had an ex BF who was addicted to drugs and stole and lied for them. I left him. I know that this has changed how he feels about me and the level of trust he has. I though he might divorce me about 18 moths ago for smoking and I didn't quit. Our relationship is otherwise good and I love him.

I am using Nicorette lozenges and I really like them.

This is the first time I've quit without feeling the pangs of anxiety whenever I think about it, I actually feel pretty relaxed. I think I had made my life such a complicated life to lead full of stress of getting caught and thinking hard about where I could source and undetectable sum of money that quitting stress is easier.

Thank you to whoever it was that suggested CBT, I think I'll look into that.

And to the poster who said that stealing from money banks is divorce material, I agree.

Also to the very kind posters who were worried about me loathing myself, thank you. I don't actually loathe myself, I do really loathe what I've done but I am a good person who does a lot of good and all of this is very out of character and only relates to smoking.

Take a deep breath and feel your chest. It's clear! And so time to move on.

You were consumed by an addiction (read Allen Carr Easyway). All the things you did, that's the madness of addiction! If I were you , being smoke free, I'd smile daily.

You have acknowledged you have a problem/addiction and that is the first step! Well done OP!

There is a revolutionary injection smokers can have now in their ear and they stop immediately. It is being invested in and should be available world wide

Your post reminds me of when I joined a no-spend thread. I posted about how much I spent. It was an embarrassing amount and I couldn't afford it and I wasted, threw away money like significant tax rebates and gifts. The public statement of my stupidity really did help me. I hope yours helps you.

OP if it helps I also have some horrible examples

I gave up when I found out I was pregnant and my then DP did too

But I was already booked on a flight to Ireland before I had found out and hated flying and used this as an excuse to smoke at least 4 times there and back!

The whole pregnancy I could not wait to smoke again. But DP hated it. I was so secretive I would drive to the top of a multi story car park and hide down the back of my car to smoke with the baby asleep in the car (not in hot weather).

I then developed a very cunning strategy involving a secret bag of clothes I would put on to smoke then take off and hide before he got home!

I used to have a secret smoking jacket 1 of the fold away waterproofs it was ridiculous !

20 days-that's something!

I'd be very surprised if no one knew that you were smoking though!

Well done OP. 15 months here, it gets easier.

Smoking turned you into a bit of a cunt, but it’s good you acknowledge that.
Good luck!!

I think you are kidding yourself if you think your family doesn't know you smoke.
Any none smoker can smell people who smoke.
The last thing you want is for them to look at you as a fibber.
I wish you look if you do kick the expensive habit.

If forgotten to add; I did my stopping in secret! I found it so much easier to just get on with that myself and zero pressure.
If you havnt smoked in that many days you do NOT SMOKE. You've got rid of the addiction 19 days ago! Your head has to catch up, but that's literally to realise, hey, I'm a non smoker, I don't miss one bit of it, I won't touch another, I'm FREE from it.

Adapted from Allen Carr Easyway.

Yep you are a terrible person hth

I'm also a nurse and former smoker. Get an rx for Varenicline. It blocks your nicotine receptors and reduces the cravings.

www.cancer.org/healthy/stay-away-from-tobacco/guide-quitting-smoking/prescription-drugs-to-help-you-quit-smoking.html

Good luck. It's tough but doable with some help managing the withdrawal symptoms.