AIBU to tell you all of the horrible things I've done to keep smoking?

[Smokinghag]

I have NC as I'm so very embarrassed.

I'll preface this by telling you my intentions. I've quit smoking cigarettes (going on 20 days) I have quit before but have gone back to it time and time again. I hope that by purging all of the awful things I've done to keep smoking (and reading the comments that tell me how horrible I am) it will help me to stay away from them. I cannot tell anyone IRL I would be too ashamed.

I'm a nurse also, I see every day how much damage cigarette smoking does to the body and families (I think I get allocated to patients who have had awful smoking related surgeries on purpose or perhaps I'm just sensitive to them). I have also had cancer (non smoking related) and know first hand how devastating such a diagnosis is.

I'm also in Australia where a pack of 20's costs about $30 now.

So here goes and I'll try not to drip feed but comments might remind me of more....

• I have 3 children and I smoked during each pregnancy. Almost worse I had quit smoking before I was pregnant with my 3rd and took it up again when I was about 6months pregnant - can't give a reason, what kind of asshole does that?
• I have secretly smoked for years and blatantly lied to my husband and children because I didn't want them to be mad with me (or stop me smoking). I've also brought other people into supporting my lie so that I can smoke with them, my sister in particular
• I have made up activities that I was doing so that I could leave the house and secretly smoke
• I have turned down social activities when the DC are at school so I could smoke in peace at home
• I've told the DC that the afternoon is a bad day for a play date bc I thought that might interrupt how many ciggies I could get in before my husband got home
• I've actively diverted the DC'a attentions from me to iPads and TV so I could have a smoke
• I've grumpily responded to falls and hurts with the DC because I was about to smoke and now I couldn't
• I've avoided housework when home alone so that I could have a lovely day smoking in peace
• I have stolen shared money to buy cigarettes
• I've half filled the car so that I could pretend that I'd spent the right amount on petrol when really I'd used half to buy smokes
• I have taken money from each of my children's money box's to buy smokes because my I knew my husband would get upset if he knew I'd bought cigarettes (he wisened up to me coming home with few groceries for the cost or withdrawing cash for no reason). I haven't paid it back yet but I will.

Ugh! I'm a horrible person and I'm going to hell. I really wish I'd never taken up smoking. It's turned me into a common Junkie. If you met me you wouldn't think I'd be capable of all this but I really am a selfish, lying, rotten thief.

Do your worst.

OP there are elements of your post that will resonate with many smokers.

I started smoking a few years ago having been smoke-free for 5 years. It started off with a few when I was tipsy and one home on the way home from work to furtively having a fag at the end of the garden.

I have up a few weeks ago because I felt guilty everytime I smoked and I've switched to vaping. I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. I can't bear the thought of smoking a cigarette now.

Good luck and don't beat yourself up. You're doing brilliantly!

OP I won't go easy on you because I was the child of a parent like you and it fucking sucked!

For me it was my Dad and for years I lived with his moods over fucking cigarettes and smoking,I grew up with that and as an older teenager I'd be the one subsidising my Fathers smoking habit when he'd retired and could no longer afford it because if I didn't he'd make living with him a fucking living nightmare for me and my Mum.

You have been letting your family down and the fact that you've stolen money from your family for the sake of smoking is bloody awful!

Your very lucky that your DH has stood by you and I hope for your sake that your DC can forgive you when they find out.

Non smoker now and never miss it but in the past? Done most of the things in your OP 😳

Haven’t rtft, got distracted - You should do ‘reparation’ for each thing on that list (isn’t it an american addiction recovery thing?)
So, apologise to your sister
Spend x amount more time doing activities with the kids
Pay back the money
Etc etc
And all the effort will make you less likely to do it again (and hopefully bring some nice things for you and other people)

I'm not going to condemn you. I smoked for 15 years and did similar things.

I tell you what though. The BEST thing about giving up, as well as having money again, as well as not stinking, as well as tasting food properly again, as well as breathing properly, as well as not chucking my lungs up every morning, is the FREEDOM. The freedom from having to do all that! The time back from worrying about the next smoke! Not having to lie! Making your OWN decisions because you WANT to, not ones you have to make because the nicotine is making you.

Honestly, stick with it. The pure freedom is worth every second of the pain I know you're in.

Also done many on your list as a now ex smoker. Gave up with the vape couple years ago. One low point was scratting around the bottom of my handbag for tobacco scrapings to roll a fag, which usually tastes like hot dogshit.
Keep going, you and your family are worth it.

OP, if you really wanted to be attacked you should have asked if you were unreasonable for doing those things while telling everyone that you aren’t. You’d have been ripped to shreds then!

Good luck with quitting. I’m off them 2 and a half years and have never looked back.

Man thats a list full of shite things.

BUT you've stopped doing them, you've owned them, you've examined yourself and you're determined to make it better. Keep going, you're doing great

Get a vape....NOW!

@Simkin You've hit the nail on the head. The freedoms it gives you is incredible

The thing is you haven’t been fooling anyone. It’s so obvious as a family member does this and it’s just to cringeworthy embarrassing to confront them. The sneaking off, the blatant covered up smell which nothing can hide in all honesty, stop thinking they haven’t got a clue they have just been playing along!

Have you read the Allan Carr book? Not the comedian. The “Easy Way To Stop Smoking” book. It works. No need for patches or vaping. Just read it until you don’t WANT to smoke any more.

My mum is a secret smoker. I recognise load of the shit you've done and to be honest your post is a selfish as your actions. The only thing it does is make you feel better and others feel worse. Those people to name a few are; people with copd and other lung diseases and their families. People who are trying to give up smoking. People who have lost pregnancies. People who can't have children. People who have loved ones who smoke. Plus many more...

You have so much to look forward to and love! Smelling great (happening now), richer, good times not ruined by “when will they all fuck odd so I can smoke”, incredible sleep, zero hangover (comparatively) and feeling “well” all the time. Realising that your “well” was other people’s “under the weather”. You will feel and look younger, sleep the sleep of the young, get way fewer colds and feel lighter and happier. Quitting smoking is just the best. Re-read Allen Carr for fun. I gave up 10 years ago smoking 20 a day minimum and it makes me feel ill just reading it. You have made such a great decision!

Jesus

I'm also in Australia where a pack of 20's costs about $30 now.

When I was a kid my Dad smoked, they were $15 for a CARTON back then (in the 80’s) $30 a packet I’m astounded anyone still smokes.

I’m in Engkand now & nonidea how much they cost (thankfully smokings not something I ever did)

Will read the rest of your post & thread now - I was just to shocked to continue past that...

The stealing from your kids is quite appalling and I would be rectifying that, with interest, ASAP. It will probably make you feel a bit better too.

Good luck.

Thank you for being so brave and so honest. I have started studying nursing (at 47) after nursing two parents through Kong smoking-related deaths. I have seen and heard every addiction excuse. My father didn’t have too my problems giving up the fags, but he swapped his addiction for food. Mum didn’t want to try. She was also anorexic and wanted to stay skinny. My kids know that there aren’t too many things that would make me seriously furious, but smoking is one of them.

Well, I’ve read the rest of it now....

The things you did weren’t great, but they’re the same as the people on the food addicts threads and the giving up alcohol threads...
It’s not like you’re the only one!

Your DH’s sense if smell really must be utterly fucked if he only very rarely confronted you about it having smelt it!

I’m glad you have stopped now though, before it destroyed your marriage I imagine your relationship will get even stronger because you’ll now no longer feel so bad about lying to him & the other stuff. It’s hard not to be contemptuous of someone who is easily fooled (sad though that is) and your kids will love cuddling you and being around you so much more now you don’t smell revolting & you have more time for them

Have you taken the time to work out what your past triggers have been for starting up again every time you’ve quit before? More specifically than ‘stress or craving’? And why you caved into it?

It’s habit not craving now if you feel the urge to light up. You can beat that!!

🌷🌷you’ll be able to smell them now!