AIBU to tell you all of the horrible things I've done to keep smoking?

[Smokinghag]

I have NC as I'm so very embarrassed.

I'll preface this by telling you my intentions. I've quit smoking cigarettes (going on 20 days) I have quit before but have gone back to it time and time again. I hope that by purging all of the awful things I've done to keep smoking (and reading the comments that tell me how horrible I am) it will help me to stay away from them. I cannot tell anyone IRL I would be too ashamed.

I'm a nurse also, I see every day how much damage cigarette smoking does to the body and families (I think I get allocated to patients who have had awful smoking related surgeries on purpose or perhaps I'm just sensitive to them). I have also had cancer (non smoking related) and know first hand how devastating such a diagnosis is.

I'm also in Australia where a pack of 20's costs about $30 now.

So here goes and I'll try not to drip feed but comments might remind me of more....

• I have 3 children and I smoked during each pregnancy. Almost worse I had quit smoking before I was pregnant with my 3rd and took it up again when I was about 6months pregnant - can't give a reason, what kind of asshole does that?
• I have secretly smoked for years and blatantly lied to my husband and children because I didn't want them to be mad with me (or stop me smoking). I've also brought other people into supporting my lie so that I can smoke with them, my sister in particular
• I have made up activities that I was doing so that I could leave the house and secretly smoke
• I have turned down social activities when the DC are at school so I could smoke in peace at home
• I've told the DC that the afternoon is a bad day for a play date bc I thought that might interrupt how many ciggies I could get in before my husband got home
• I've actively diverted the DC'a attentions from me to iPads and TV so I could have a smoke
• I've grumpily responded to falls and hurts with the DC because I was about to smoke and now I couldn't
• I've avoided housework when home alone so that I could have a lovely day smoking in peace
• I have stolen shared money to buy cigarettes
• I've half filled the car so that I could pretend that I'd spent the right amount on petrol when really I'd used half to buy smokes
• I have taken money from each of my children's money box's to buy smokes because my I knew my husband would get upset if he knew I'd bought cigarettes (he wisened up to me coming home with few groceries for the cost or withdrawing cash for no reason). I haven't paid it back yet but I will.

Ugh! I'm a horrible person and I'm going to hell. I really wish I'd never taken up smoking. It's turned me into a common Junkie. If you met me you wouldn't think I'd be capable of all this but I really am a selfish, lying, rotten thief.

Do your worst.

Hi OP!
Oh you poor thing. Addiction and hating yourself are so bound up together - I'm convinced its the evil, foul, noxious, sneakily marketed substance that makes us hate ourselves and therefore want more of it. Others say low self esteem or depression makes some people more prone to addictive behaviours.
Whatever the truth - you have quit the physical drug! Now it's the little monster in your mind talking, screaming, nagging at you to get its fix.
Don't let it!
Treat each craving as signs the monster is in its death throes.
I quit smoking (after three serious attempts) 14 years ago and I can't tell you how glad I am now to finally be free of the awful, awful hold it has over people.

The camping trips I hated because suddenly I was miles from a shop that sold fags and all the other campers wanted 'just one'.

The green tongue.

The fear and knowledge I was killing myself (and my future children's mother).

The pathetic inadequacy I felt about exercise or fitness.

I read Allen Carr (the huge book, for extra stubborn addicts! I think its called The Easyway to stop smoking forever or something, its about 5 times the thickness of the original Easyway book) and something about that finally stuck and I was free.

That was in Australia too OP - anyhow, DON'T have a Winfield! You can do this, in fact you're already doing it.

Loads of love, a free and happy ex-smoker. You can get there too.

I think my husband must have a sense of smell problem. When he did spring me (he might find something or rarely smell it) he would be full of disappointment/anger and not quiet about it.

The kids on the other hand do smell it but still think I don't smoke. I started lying to them first because I couldn't bare the thought of the worrying that I would die once they knew about the dangers of smoking. I remember worrying about smoking adults dying and it wasn't even my own parents.

The full process of staying stink free was extensive and involved jackets, dry shampoo, soap, teeth brushing and hand cream. It was so stressful. I smell really nice now.

I have even gone to bed early so I could jump out the window and smoke (more than once). Fucking terrified that I would get caught or that the neighbours would report a breaking at our house.

I have read Allen Carr's book and it does resonate with me.

I heard the term extreme addiction in relation to the crazy things people do to get drugs the other day. I know that term applies to me and understanding that has made things easier I think.

Oh also what helped was an app where I got to see how much money I had saved up!
Also how my health was recovering
I also bought myself some really nice make up with some of the money, because my skin tone had changed and it kind of kept me going

The secret clothes do actually work if you are clever about it I didn’t get caught

It's fair to say that smoking was ruling and ruining your life. Well done on giving up as it's a sad way to live. I took my child (and previous children) and left my ex as smoking was also his priority so at least it hasn't ruined your relationships.

Yes @Sagradafamiliar my life had become very small and dominated by my addiction. There really was no more room left for anything much new and interesting. All of my effort went into keeping this going and it was more important than most other things.

I'm also very thankful that my relationship is still intact.

Something that changed just before I quit was I hadn't been sleeping well at all (surviving on about 4hours a night). I have quit coffee and am sleeping much better. I think that this improvement has given me a bit of reserve to tackle my smoking addiction.

I gave up smoking 15 years ago. My best friend was also my smoking buddy. Everything we did was always accompanied by a great cloud of smoke. We would reject activities where we couldn't have a fag, so, op, I know what it's like. My best friend gave up shortly after me - but she didnt... she smoked in secret and pretended she had given up. She was doing it more to placate her husband, who was very pleased she had kicked the habit (ho hum).
My best friend died of lung cancer a few years ago in her early 60's. I miss her every day. Of course, she may have succumbed to lung cancer anyway, but she had an extra decade on me of smoking, which wouldn't have helped.
I gave up loads of times before I finally succeeded. I think you learn something about your addiction each time you try and give up, and you realise where you made the mistakes before. You also really have to want to give up.
Only other thing - watch those nicotine sustitutes, they are just as addictive as cigarettes.

More of the confessions just because.

• I would get SO excited when I knew that my husband was going out for the evening. I never tried to get him to stay home
• I would leave social events early and offer to leave my husband there so he could continue to have a good time, stating that I was too tired (and I could go and smoke)
• I would get irrationally upset if I had to collect one of the DC from school or they needed to stay home from school because they were unwell as it would ruin my smoking plans
• I would get upset with appointments that I had to go to
• I would rush to leave at school drop off so that I could get home ASAP (it's normal here to stay in the class room with DC in the junior years for a little bit, my kids didn't get that from me. I think that the other mothers don't like me much bc they know I'm a slack parent and I'm sure that they also smelt the smoke).

On a positive note;

• I have managed to stay smoke free on longish family Holliday's over the years. I really proud of this. This has been really good because smoking would have ruined them with all of the stopping to smoke etc. I think this has also helped to damage my addiction.

@longearedbat I'm so sorry about your friend.

My sister smokes heavily and even though she's older than me I gave her her first fag. I feel really guilty about this.

I am aware that NRT is addictive. They don't have any significant health implications and so I'm ok with this.

I think in the past I was too optimistic about quitting and chucked supports out too soon. At the moment I feel like I might just have my lozenges forever and I don't really mind.

You are spot on with your comment that each time you quit you learn something new.

My mum stopped smoking just after I did they stopped selling 10 packs here and then the price was hiked up just after she retired so stopped. She did have sneaky puffs when my dad went out but Ithink that has stopped now although she might have a secret jacket but she smoked forever and was the last person I thought would stay stopped shelooks great has colour in her face I always think if mum can stay stopped then I can.

Can I just say thankyou to you smokinghag I am also a smokinghag

This thread has come at a good time for me. I am after 25 years of smoking (20 years properly addicted smoker) preparing to give up smoking.

Iv over the last 7-8 years managed to get down to 7 to 10 a day but that's as far as Iv got on my own, the last 2 months Iv been looking up my local services and the nrt available but not gone any further other than telling myself I'm nearly ready, I'm seriously considering, il call soon.

so this thread has prompted me to call the number and in the 3rd week of august I'm going to my first appointment!

I am shitting myself

I know we are/have been abusing ourselves for years but this is it lass we are going to look back and say we did it!

I will point out I am not ashamed but it is time.

Thanks smokinghag

People will know you smoke. It smells. A relative of mine thinks no one knows she smokes, but we do. She has one before she comes to visit, you can smell it a million miles off.

@HappyNOTdriving good luck!!

@PooFacedPie agreed.

I could have written most of your post, apart from the stealing and the money side of stuff - but add wine into the mix in the evenings as well!

I used to dump DD in front of the telly and smoke in the garden - or if it was raining, in the garage.

And after she had gone to bed out used to rush outside to smoke and drink wine until DH got home. I had all sorts of mouth sprays and odour eliminators.

I look back know and regret all the time I wasted ...

Good luck with giving up.

Ah yes @Antigonads My app tells me that I've saved 23 hours of time that I would have spent smoking! All of that time I've wasted. It must add up to a short life time. All wasted doing something boring and annoying. What a shit life I've given myself.

@Smokinghag keep going. I have been free for 9 months, starting to believe I may succeed this time. It is a horrible addiction and it gives you nothing back.

Always tell myself that I will start smoking again when I'm 70.

The best way I got over addiction is by training my brain to realise exactly how disgusting the substance was, in taste more than anything. its a cliche (although a true one) I dont know two people who have managed to quit something in the same way. Maybe list out some methods/categories such as aversion, replacement, thinking training.

OP I’m 14 months since my last cigarette. I know people always say this- but if I can do it, anyone can. Yes I use an e-cig, but with zero nicotine, as I need to break that cycle of hand to mouth, if that makes sense.

OP, I once tore all the ligaments in my ankle trying to have a sneaky cigarette. We lived in an attic flat. I was running a bath and tried to climb from the low window to the roof terrace outside but it was a bigger drop than I thought. I felt loads of things rupture and then had to climb back through the window and fell to the ground... the pain was insane. My DH thought I’d gone insane.

Nicotine salts e liquid has saved my life - it actually works. I quit in April. I’ve had a couple here and there but it’s not what I remember it being and easy to go back to vaping afterwards.

I am on my third full day of no smoking , also in Australia where a pack of 40 is over $50, ridiculous cost in money and in health.
I am going cold turkey, have a Vape but it is illegal to sell the vaping liquid that contains nicotine here...so am eating sugar free mints and have swapped from coffee to tea.
Also downloaded a quit smoking app.
Good luck @smokinghag

Antigonads hahaha same! You can do it OP, I am 23 days smoke free myself, bootcamps (started day 2) and a slight mint addiction have helped me!

Best wishes OP...I can relate to so much of what you have written. I'm down to 1 packet a week... barely worth bothering with.

There's a great saying " The truth shall set you free" I believe it's true, and that actually facing up to the darker stuff about ourselves with compassion and kindness is the only true way to forgive ourselves and move on.