To switch off when my friend now complains about being broke

[speedymama]

My friend and her DH both work and have two children with one at nursery.

She complains about the large mortgage on their large 4 bed detached with double garage, the nursery fees, not being able to afford a holiday, can't afford to go out in the evening with her DH and that they can't afford to repay family members money loaned to them.

I was sympathetic, listened attentively, suggested ideas for cheap holidays like 4 nights at Haven (mistake - she prefers Center Parcs) or camping (even bigger mistake)............

They have just bought a brand new car with private number plates.

AIBU to switch off when she starts complaining in future?

I agree that the people you mix with can mae you feel broke.

I used to have a houshold income of approaching hte £100K mark and yet we always felt poor in comarison to the people we mixed with as they were in the millions category.

Now with a lower but still healthy income I feel much better of as most of the people we mix with are on simialr money to oursleves. In this town there are no Jones to keep up with!

quiveutmabonnebaguette Your rent is double our mortage, we could not afford £1100 rent/ mortgage.

I don't know maybe we could but it would mean cutting back on other things, dd school fees would be out of the window so I suppose it is about choices.

quiveutmabonnebaguette where abouts in London do you live if you don't mind me asking?

Anna- she is not overspending- she only spends her money on the things I mentioned- she is quite simply struggling horribly, on her own, with her ex heaping on legal fees. Without her bastard ex harassing her through the legal system (which he can do with impunity as he is far too busy harassing her to work and claims legal aid), she would just about manage. She on the other hand earns just £200 too much a month to qualify for legal aid, despite paying for the children entirely on her own. No-one is financing her. At the moment she is barely surviving. Her case is merely illustrative of how it is possible to earn a "good wage" and still be utterly broke.

Duchesse - that's a terrible story... I do hope that your sister's life takes a turn for the better soon.

He's a shit, Anna. There's no hope for him. The best we can hope for is sudden cessation of cell activity. Luckily he is 54 already, but as my sister said, he could last until she is 70. His latest tactic has been to send piles of filth to her place of employment, causing her to be investigated unbeknownst to her for the last two months. Like I said, he is a pyschopath.

And she is hoping to be able to move to France at some point in the future, but can't go anywhere or do anything until the access he is demanding (prob to piss her off since he no real interest in the children) is settled.

Oh God, how awful. Can't she get the police onto him if he starts doing things like that?

One of my friends had a very messy divorce and she ended up taking her children abroad for a year (rented out her house, left her job etc). Her ex got bored while she was away and has upped sticks and moved abroad... so now there is peace (still no money though).

He is being very actively pursued by the police, Anna. In fact he was recently found guilty of harassment and harassment with violence (all against my sister), but he is concurrently running this case for access, which despite his patent lack of interest in the kids and proven psychopathic qualities, he might actually end up obtaining and that seems to be the way the legal system is set up. This would make it very difficult for my sister to fulfill any of the projects she has. Her worry is no-one really knows how far he would be prepared to go to get back at her- so far the sky seems the limit, including trying making her lose her job which could be viewed as being in the children's best interests.

Your poor, poor sister . Was her ex always nasty or is it something that developed over time?

He was always weirdly clingy. She tried to get rid of him three months into the relationship (he had already moved in by then) but he wouldn't go and she didn't know whom to turn to (she was only 24 at the time and didn't know any better; she wasn't talking to her sisters because she perceived that we did not like him). Later he became very controlling. He spent a few years estranging her from us, and stripping away her own identity to replace it with his twisted logic. It was only when she confronted him with the evidence of multiple infidelity that he really started to get nasty, and even then, she didn't leave until he started to be violent to their then 3 yr old son. You live and learn, I suppose.

I am extraordinarily proud of how much she has achieved in the last two years since she left him- gone back to work, moved town and area, bought a new house, changed car, been through an investigation with suspension at work (thanks to the ex), been promoted, moved department five times as her place restructures and she is very good at her job so they like to use her all the place, gone through a criminal case, family court access case. I feel dizzy just typing all that, but she's actually done it all. She is so strong.

Sounds really dreadful. I do hope she meets someone kind and can build a better life - she sounds very resourceful, in any case

TheQueenOfQuotes

No they just decided they didn't want a jag anymore but wanted a merc instead.

Duchesse, your sister's story reminds me of a colleague whose sister is currently going through a divorce and she has only been married for 12 weeks.

The husband is a sociopath and only revealed his true colours once they got married. They were together for 3 years, her family loved him and nobody suspected anything. Once she had married him, he completely changed. She has to get out of the marriage or she will wind up dead. Thankfully, they have no children.

I wish your sister all the best.

Many companies have guidelines for using your own car for work purposes: you can hardly take a client out in a 20-year rust bucket. Here they specify no more than 5 years old and must be four-door and be big enough for 4 adults.

Using a (cheap) personalized number plate means you can hide the fact that the car is older than 5 years: much much cheaper than buying a new car.

Message withdrawn

50K? Oooh, I'd love 50k!!!

Seroiusly, being broke is shithouse.

Not being able to afford a holiday is an annoyance rather then a big problem.

I have friend like this too, whi was alwyas going on about how they had no moiney for food, but et voila she'd then tell me about their new car/computer/2 week holiday/designer clothes

DP and I have a joint income of just over 25k (he'll kill me!) so our monthly income is 1400. Our rent is 750 and then rest is council tax (140) and other bills and loan repayments. I have a crappy part time job, plus I earn a bit from teaching. However, we manage to get by every month (just)

We bought another car last year out od neccessity, but fuck me, it's almost crippled us to do it!

We are skint, but no way are we in a position that we can't afford to eat and heat out house, thank God. I do moan about being skint to my friends, and I know I shouldn't. as really we are very very lucky..