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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end our friendship or should we try again?

78 replies

FairyF1 · 30/07/2019 10:05

I’ve been friends with someone for over thirty years (met at school). I thought she was brilliant and my bestie. Although we lnow live far away from each other and don’t see each other every day I thought in a crisis we’d always be there for each other. I’ve been there for her when she got divorced, parent died, child issues, boyfriend problems etc. Unfortunately my DP is terminally ill. I have been caring for him but it’s been very hard. Just before Christmas my friend broke up with her bf (he met someone else) . Despite being busy caring and working I was there for her - up all night talking to her when she felt suicidal etc. They have subsequently got back together and then over Easter got engaged. They’ve had lots of ups and downs but she is very happy so I’ve been supportive (never said anything negative about him). However since they got back together she hasn’t bothered to phone me once to see how DP is - when she broke up with her BF she woukd phone or text me 5 or 6 times a day. I had some particularly bad times were DP fell unconscious, was on life support and court action was being taken to see if he had the mental capacity to decide about care and treatment etc. He has also been threatened with loosing our home. . All very stressful - I phoned and texted her (over three months) about 5 times saying I was having a difficult time and would really appreciate a chat. Each time she said she was too busy (row with her eldest daughter, picking son up, meal with the in laws, niece had come out as gay etc), every time she suggested another time more convienient for her something else would come up and she would cancel. She made me feel as though speaking to me was a chore which just added to how bad everything felt so after some really helpful advice from Mumsnetters I decided to just leave it. I texted her wishing her well (which I do )but saying we should just leave things be in the future.

In the past few weeks she has started texting saying she misses our friendship. Saying she thinks there has been a misunderstanding, that she wasn’t getting my texts until late etc. I think the reality is that she was happy and couldn’t be bothered. I do understand that but don’t really see how we can be friends again. I feel let down. She says we have been friends for so long but I don’t think I’d ever trust her again . I haven’t really noticed or missed our friendship - on a day to day basis she simply hasn’t been there. I think if she was a real friend she would have found time. AIBU in thinking we should just leave it now or should I make a final effort? We have known each other for so long but she just hasn’t been who I thought she was.

OP posts:

geekone · 30/07/2019 10:08

I think unless she is toxic, life is too short to hold a grudge and you are probably going to need people soon. Hopefully this helps her step up as a friend.
sorry about your DP that must be hard.

mumsie8 · 30/07/2019 10:14

I think your answer is in your last paragraph. If you haven't missed her or the friendship then I would leave things as is. As you yourself have said you no longer trust her and feel let down by her and that when she had opportunity she made no effort. Her sudden coming back now would also (somewhat cynically) make me wonder what is going on in her life now that she suddenly misses the friendship.
To my mind it's quality not quantity that matters. If she's been a friend who maybe you don't speak to often but when you do it's like no time has passed or that they would be there for you at the drop of a hat regardless of passage of time then that's a friendship i would cultivate. Not one that is based on the whims and emotional needs of only one side of the friendship. for the difficult time you find yourself going through right now. Last thing you need is to be proping up a friendship that has possibly run its course.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 30/07/2019 10:16

I'd leave it if you don't miss the friendship OP. Everything is on her terms, and it seems you've been there for her but when you've needed her she's been AWOL.

That's not a proper friend.

CalmdownJanet · 30/07/2019 10:17

No way, she's a user. I guarantee she only misses it now because something else has happened and she's realised your not there, fuck her you deserve way better, you sound like a lovely friend. I would say
"I totally understand, I missed our friendship too at the beginning, but I no longer do and a one sided friendship is less that I deserve, though I hold no grudges and genuinely wish you well in all you do" and let her go, of she replies just shut it down "Honestly, it's not a discussion I wish to have, I have moved on and am happy"

DisplayPurposesOnly · 30/07/2019 10:20

It's not about holding a grudge, it's about the loss of trust. You can be friendly without being properly friends.

And she's not apologised, or even taken any responsibility. "Misunderstanding" my arse! She knew what your situation is; she should have actively in touch, not waiting for texts that came "late".

I think best to let this one go, you could never feel the same about her.

I'm sorry about your DP and what you two are going through.

Ski4130 · 30/07/2019 10:21

Don’t give this too much thought, certainly be sad for the friendship you thought you had, but that’s not actually the friendship you had, and you have far more important things to focus on. I wouldn’t actively, or vocally, end the friendship, but maybe just let it go gently. Your friend sounds like she hasn’t been there for you, and as you said, you haven’t noticed her friendship being missing on a day to day basis, so she obviously hasn’t brought a lot of support/friendship/care to your life lately. Surround yourself with the people who have shown their worth to you - the daily support, kind words or just a hug when you’ve needed it - those are the people who keep your boat afloat.

xoxoluna · 30/07/2019 10:26

She's a fair-weather friend. If you don't miss her, I wouldn't bother putting any effort. It sounds like she misses you now because she has something she needs from you.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, OP. Take care.

Yabbers · 30/07/2019 10:43

Did you tell her why?

Sometimes people get stuck up their own asses and forget the world. Did you point it out to her?

Original poster

FairyF1 · 30/07/2019 12:54

I did text her setting out the reasons why. I do think that its probably not personal/intended. After all the issues she has had with her BF she is throwing herself into being with him and his family.’ This is leaving her with no time for anyone else (her children have chosen to live with her ex). Unfortunately I need support at the moment and she just can’t provide it.

OP posts:

Yeahnahmum · 30/07/2019 13:18

I am so sorry to hear about your dp. How are you coping with his illness?

Unfortunately your friend has used you. But i am happy to hear you don't miss her.

BarbariansMum · 30/07/2019 13:37

The OP's DJ is terminally ill. However stuck up your own arse you are (and yes I guess we are all guilty of this at times) how could you not notice her begging for support - she should not even need to have asked!

OP you sound like a lovely person. Dont give this person any headspace, just block her.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2019 13:37

Your last post says it all. Hasn't even got time for her children?

Keep your distance

BarbariansMum · 30/07/2019 13:37

Sorry OP, what an inappropriate moment for spell check to think it knows best.

recrudescence · 30/07/2019 13:44

I would not give someone like this the opportunity to let me down twice.

Abhann · 30/07/2019 13:51

You haven't missed the friendship, and I think that's your answer, OP. I wouldn't give her the opportunity to suggest she might be a support and then take it away again because her own circumstances have changed -- you don't need the extra stress and disappointment at this difficult time. Very best wishes.

FetchezLaVache · 30/07/2019 13:54

I think the fact that she refuses to take responsibility for anything says it all. If she'd said, "I'm so sorry, Fairy, I've been a self-absorbed twat and ruined the best friendship I've ever had, please let me try to make it up to you", then it might have been worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. But all this bullshit about crossed wires, texts arriving late is frankly insult on top of injury and I'd not be letting her back in.

I bet PPs are right - some more shit has befallen her and she simply wants your support. Btw I call those people foul-weather friends, not fair-weather!

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 30/07/2019 14:00

She's back in touch because of something that she wants, not because she's thinking of what you want. I'm sure that if you call her, you'll get 1-2 minutes of "how are you?" before it's back to being about her again.
I think you need to protect yourself and look around - there will be people you can get support from.

Taichipandas · 30/07/2019 14:07

I think Fetchezlavache has got the mail in the head! She is still making excuses op.

I'd be honest and say what you have said here; that you feel really let down by her at what is probably the most difficult time in your life when your dp is terminally ill. Especially when you had gone out of your way to help her during her various life crises. Tell her that for this reason you don't miss her any more but you wish her well for the future.

Friendship is a two way street and far too many people are takers.

Taichipandas · 30/07/2019 14:09

Got the mail in the head???

Argh! Sorry! Autocorrect gone mad!

Meant hit the nail on the head obviously!

MatildaTheCat · 30/07/2019 14:12

Right now you need solid friends to support you. Your team. She doesn’t deserve a place on that team.

Hopefully you do have good support around you? So sorry you are going through this. Don’t waste any more headspace on your ‘friend’, she simply doesn’t deserve you.

porkypine · 30/07/2019 14:15

Honestly, I wouldn't bother trying again. I've been in vaguely similar situation to you, with my best friend who lived abroad getting annoyed that I was unable to visit as was caring for my partner. "Well, is he actually going to die?" were the last words she said to me.

Friendship works both ways. Her excuses sound made up. Misunderstanding, my arse.

ReeReeR · 30/07/2019 14:16

OP I think it’s at the best of time and the worst of times that we realise who our friends are. But it also makes you realise how short life can be.

I would say go with your gut. If you miss her and want to see her then don’t refuse out of spite or to make a point. If you simply don’t feel the same then don’t feel obligated to see her.

You don’t have to go back to being besties. You could go for a coffee or whatever and take it from there. See if she wants to talk about you and your life or just has her own drama.

I recently dealt with something big and was let down by own friend in particular who didn’t get in touch. I reached out and sent her a message only for her to make an excuse about why she hasn’t been in touch and then to go on to tell me her own news without even asking how we are. I still sent a nice message back and, surprise, surprise, it’s been about 6 weeks and I haven’t heard from her again. I don’t think I could be friends with her again, particularly because I reached out and she still let me down. I don’t regret making that effort though.

BlingLoving · 30/07/2019 14:17

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. This must be such a difficult time for you.

Some people struggle to understand how to cope with people going through this kind of life changing event. They get so embarassed/uncomfortable they lose the ability to act. I understand it.

But understanding it doesn't mean you have to accept it. She has not been there for you. You have not missed her (because she was not previously there for you). she has displayed no concern for you (even if she is actually thinking it). You are not obliged to be friends with this person again if that's how she behaves.

Tell her you're sorry that you can't be the kind of friend you are but you have to put your own needs first. And right now, she can't meet them. Wish her well and move on.

Newgirls · 30/07/2019 14:19

I have an alternative view - it sounds like you have both and are going though a lot. Yes she messed up but it doesn’t sound like her life is ideal (can she trust her partner etc). I wonder if you could say that you are both going through a lot and it has affected your friendship but maybe there will be more time for it in the future? For some fun together? It does sound very heavy at the mo - understandably of course.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/07/2019 15:30

I don’t think I’d ever trust her again . I haven’t really noticed or missed our friendship - on a day to day basis she simply hasn’t been there. I think if she was a real friend she would have found time

That's what should be in your reply back.
Even now she's only getting in touch because she wants something from you, it's still all about her and her feelings/life.

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