To end our friendship or should we try again?

[FairyF1]

I’ve been friends with someone for over thirty years (met at school). I thought she was brilliant and my bestie. Although we lnow live far away from each other and don’t see each other every day I thought in a crisis we’d always be there for each other. I’ve been there for her when she got divorced, parent died, child issues, boyfriend problems etc. Unfortunately my DP is terminally ill. I have been caring for him but it’s been very hard. Just before Christmas my friend broke up with her bf (he met someone else) . Despite being busy caring and working I was there for her - up all night talking to her when she felt suicidal etc. They have subsequently got back together and then over Easter got engaged. They’ve had lots of ups and downs but she is very happy so I’ve been supportive (never said anything negative about him). However since they got back together she hasn’t bothered to phone me once to see how DP is - when she broke up with her BF she woukd phone or text me 5 or 6 times a day. I had some particularly bad times were DP fell unconscious, was on life support and court action was being taken to see if he had the mental capacity to decide about care and treatment etc. He has also been threatened with loosing our home. . All very stressful - I phoned and texted her (over three months) about 5 times saying I was having a difficult time and would really appreciate a chat. Each time she said she was too busy (row with her eldest daughter, picking son up, meal with the in laws, niece had come out as gay etc), every time she suggested another time more convienient for her something else would come up and she would cancel. She made me feel as though speaking to me was a chore which just added to how bad everything felt so after some really helpful advice from Mumsnetters I decided to just leave it. I texted her wishing her well (which I do )but saying we should just leave things be in the future.

In the past few weeks she has started texting saying she misses our friendship. Saying she thinks there has been a misunderstanding, that she wasn’t getting my texts until late etc. I think the reality is that she was happy and couldn’t be bothered. I do understand that but don’t really see how we can be friends again. I feel let down. She says we have been friends for so long but I don’t think I’d ever trust her again . I haven’t really noticed or missed our friendship - on a day to day basis she simply hasn’t been there. I think if she was a real friend she would have found time. AIBU in thinking we should just leave it now or should I make a final effort? We have known each other for so long but she just hasn’t been who I thought she was.

I'm sorry about your DH, life isn't fair, and it sucks that you're dealing with this.
Are you familiar with the ring theory of grief? That the person in pain at the centre of the ring gets to 'dump out' their feelings, and it's only comfort that should be coming in the way? That's what should be happening right now. Not, oh I'm too busy.
You haven't missed her, I think that speaks volumes.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the 1st time.

And bollocks she didn't get your messages, that's just an excuse

Hmm, I'd be willing to take a tenner down to William Hill and put it on her having some crisis that she wants to offload onto you.

I'd leave things as they are since you've not missed her.

I wonder if you could say that you are both going through a lot and it has affected your friendship but maybe there will be more time for it in the future?

I hardly think the two situations are comparable. Do you, really?

I don’t think I would bother with such a one-sided friendship, @FairyF1 - you deserve so much more!

I would be tempted to reply to her:

“No - I don’t think there has been any ‘misunderstanding’ - I think you were happy to rely on our friendship when you were having issues, and to accept all the time, support and effort that I put into it, but when I needed help and support in a horrible situation, you really couldn’t be bothered. I reached out and told you I was struggling, and you were too busy to talk to me for even a moment or two. That is not friendship - it is being a user, and I deserve better. Goodbye.”

Recent experience has shown me that best friends tend to be shit but people you don't know anything like as well are the ones who step up to the plate.

My beloved nan died three years ago this month having starved herself to death in hospital and I spent most evenings for 5 weeks sitting with her. On her last day, I was there from 5 pm, my parents arrived at 8 pm, I left at 11 pm and I'd only been home 5 minutes (10 minute journey) when my mum rang to tell me she'd died minutes after I'd left. My best friend wasn't great at the time, no doubt because she'd just been on two dates with a new bloke (who was out of the picture two months later and was clearly yet another arsehole) and was all full of him. Got over that.

A year later, my grandad (98) went into hospital and although he seemed reasonably well within a couple of days it was clear he wouldn't be coming out. On the Sunday I told my best friend that grandad wouldn't be coming out of hospital, heart failing, didn't know how long but dying. I didn't hear a word from her until Friday when I got a text "Just off to the airport, see you when we get back, hope grandad feeling better"

FEELING BETTER? He was fucking dying. I was livid but didn't reply.

(She was off on holiday with new friends - until previous year, we'd always gone on holiday, the two of us, twice a year).

She got back a week later. I heard nothing from her the Saturday she got back. Or the Sunday. Or the Monday. Or the Tuesday. I got a text on the Wednesday to say she was sorry to hear my grandad had died. He'd died on Monday morning. I was called to the hospital but he died minutes before I got there. I didn't ring anyone that day. The next day I told a friend, who told a mutual friend of my best friend that night, who told best friend. And she pretty much steered clear of me for a couple of weeks after.

I can't believe she had been in touch before she went away but even more so not when she'd got back. I've been there for her every time she's had problems. Our friendship has never recovered. We mix in similar circles so we're still friends but it's pretty distant and it will never ever be what it was.

That was truly shit of your ‘friends’, @ShatnersWig - you deserve so much better too.

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved grandparents. {{{hugs}}}

Pretty childish of me but I would have to find out if the reason she is now back contacting me is because there's trouble in her relationship again. Then I'd drop (and block) her like a hot stone.

Sorry to hear your DH is so unwell. At this sad and difficult time you need to know you can rely on people for support.
This woman sadly chose not to be there for you and appears a user. Not a friend.

She is friend, she is a leech.
Please don't give her anymore of your time, she won't be here for you.
I am truly very sorry about your DP.

I did you a lovely big post then the connection dropped out .

Don't make your level of resilience the same as hers. Yes you've been through an horrendous time (and I fully empathise) and your friend has had a sequence of small events, which as we all know can mount up after time. Dealing with 10 little things can often require more juggling than one big thing.

I don't know how you react to stress OP, but I get heartily sick of people and the constant 'how are ya's' ; to coin a phrase, they do my head in. So I withdraw. I don't want to talk to other people about my problems or listen to theirs, but that is how I self heal.

Only you know, after 30 years, whether that is her technique or not. However I haven’t really noticed or missed our friendship

I think that she disclosed too much when she was breaking up with partner, and that she felt disloyal to him when she got back together, so, out of embarrassment, avoided you for a while.
At any other time that would hardly have mattered, but you needed her and she let you down
If you have the headspace for it i would meet with her and have a heart to heart because you may well need her support soon.
It does sound as if she is remorseful and values your friendship. But if you are done, you are done, and you owe her nothing

OP, I fell out with a friend of 30 years last year. It was very one sided with me making all the effort & it ended in a row when I challenged & said that I needed to step back. I don’t miss the ex friend either even though it’s been hard to let go & move on after so long. Trust your instincts xxx

And so sorry you are having a rough time - sending love to you & your partner xx

I meant to add, you probably haven't missed her friendship atm because you have more important things to worry about.
But there will, unfortunately, come a time when you are on your own and a good friend may well be a blessing.
You are having a hard time atm and unless your friend is actively hostile I would be tempted not to cut off a long term friendship because you may be, quite understandably, a little over-sensitive atm.
Which is not to excuse her thoughtlessness in any way

hazell42 Why is the OP "over-sensitive"? I don't see that at all.

I'd be like - yeah I miss our friendship and let her do the work. I wouldn't worry about her.

I have a friend like this who I decided to not bother with anymore after I was there for her through her Ivf, pregnancy and problems with her partner, babysitting her kids as she has no family. I then had Ivf and am now pregnant and guess what.... not heard a peep from her at all and when I did it was me initiating conversation and she spoke to me like it was a real chore to do so with lots of excuses. I felt very used. There was no conversation about it, she is still in our mates group chat and we all join in a Convo but that's about it. She gets as much effort as I get from her, which is none. My reason for not locking her off is because of mutual friends. Treat her how she treats you and please yourself xxx

I agree with PP that ‘I don’t miss our friendship’ is the most telling part of your post and perhaps justifies you letting things cool, especially as you’re going through such a tough time yourself. Perhaps your friend has always had a tendency to be a bit self-focused?
In my experience not everyone, however good a friend they are, is able to step up to the plate with emotional support for the big things, even if (as in this case) they’ve readily sought it from you. Maybe they don’t know what to say, maybe they think you have enough support from other people, maybe it just doesn’t register that your situation is serious enough to merit them finding time (however busy they are) to be there for you. I don’t know where your friend fits into any of this or whether it’s worth giving the friendship a chance to at least survive, but it’s clear you have other things to focus on at the moment. I’m sorry to hear about your partner’s illness. I hope you have people around you who DO offer support; you certainly can’t expect or ask for it from this friend at the moment.

It sounds like she only wants u in her life when she has a drama to deal with. Shes clearly not interested in making time for you when you need her. Like others .. im betting some crisis has happened to her yet again and her default is to contact you. If you haven't missed her it shows the relationship had run its course on your part.

Move on and dont feel guilty.
I closed the door on a friendship of over 20 years last year. It was only when the friendship finished that friends and family admitted what an awful person they thought she was and that they thought she used me and was jealous. No one had mentioned it previously but they are all saying now how im well rid of her. Like you i dont miss her now shes gone. Its actually a bit of a relief.

@hazell42

But there will, unfortunately, come a time when you are on your own and a good friend may well be a blessing

And hopefully the OP has some. But this woman isn't one of them

I think if she admitted she was shit and caught up in herself and now regrets it that's one thing. But claiming misunderstandings and getting texts late is another. I think if it was me, I can normally forgive if someone is genuinely sorry. It sounds like she just wants your support back but diesnt want to acknowledge her part in the issues. I would personally find this very difficult to ignore.
But it's time to be selfish OP. If youd like to see her then go ahead. If you want a friendship just on your terms then go ahead. I'm not sure it can ever be like before but for the moment do whatever you feel will help you

OP I wouldn’t. My longest best friend I cut off last year because when she isn’t suicidal she doesn’t need me and I’ve came to realise it’s because she doesn't like the fact I KNOW her more than anyone else does. So when all is well E.g. new boyfriend she drifts away. I’ve totally cut her off. Was invited to engagement etc didn’t go. Life is too short to spend your time on shitty people and give out too many second chances. You get over them.

I also think the answer is in your last paragraph - you haven't missed her. If you ever end up missing her than that is the time to try again. I don't think it would work if you try now as your heart isn't in it.

Thank you all so much for your responses. My friend called last night. I picked up the call- probably shouldn’t have. I was exhausted, had just helped DP to bed and not thinking.

Initially she said she missed our friendship (I was her ‘bestie’) and was upset. She said she thought there had been a misunderstanding. She had turned the notification function off on her phone because of work issues and so wasn’t picking up my texts until it was late. I said that she knew what was going on and I would have hoped that if the situation had been reversed that I would have found time since March to make one call. She said I should have called her and not texted. I reminded her that the last time I had called her in February (an hour or so after DP had had to be resuscitated in front of me and I was in tears), she hadn’t been able to speak as her BF was there- she whispered for the first five minutes of the call and then after he went out of the room was able to talk at a normal pitch albeit constrained. I had agreed to phone her back another time but hadn’t nor had she phoned me. She launched into a defence of her BF saying he encouraged her to have friends- I told her to calm down and that I wasn’t criticising him (I don’t blame him at all - she’s a grown woman and chooses what and who she wants to spend her time on).

By this point in the conversation we were both upset and I said we should end the call. However she continued. She said I was a closed book and that I didn’t reach out for help. I said I had told everyone what was going on and had repeatedly asked for help/a call from her but it hadn’t happened. She kept repeating that I was a closed book. I said okay then that it was all my fault , I was happy to accept that and ended the call. I was in tears and upset all night. I just don’t know what I’ve done for this to be happening. I’ve tried to be there for her during everything- her divorce, when she split with her BF, when her children chose to live with her ex and when her parent died. I know she has got a lot going on and is probably still reeling from her BF leaving and coming back but I really don’t think I can get over how she has been with me. We don’t see a lot of each other but I always thought we’d be there if the other one needed us.
She has been in touch since the call saying she’d like to speak again and thanking me for being open with her(!!). She also added that she has been suffering from depression- she had copied it to her counsellor. I do know that she was very depressed when her BF left her last year (I had to leave my DP in a&e to go and visit her as she was suicidal) but she had seemed much happier - planning the wedding, three holidays in as many months, nights out with him and his family etc I suppose you can’t always tell what is going on in social media . I do t think I could face another confrontation/ feeling like rubbish again so don’t really want to speak to her. I’ve got enough going on (am utterly exhausted , lots to do) but do feel very lonely . What would you do? We’ve been friends for over 30 years aibu to just cut it off?