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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end our friendship or should we try again?

78 replies

FairyF1 · 30/07/2019 10:05

I’ve been friends with someone for over thirty years (met at school). I thought she was brilliant and my bestie. Although we lnow live far away from each other and don’t see each other every day I thought in a crisis we’d always be there for each other. I’ve been there for her when she got divorced, parent died, child issues, boyfriend problems etc. Unfortunately my DP is terminally ill. I have been caring for him but it’s been very hard. Just before Christmas my friend broke up with her bf (he met someone else) . Despite being busy caring and working I was there for her - up all night talking to her when she felt suicidal etc. They have subsequently got back together and then over Easter got engaged. They’ve had lots of ups and downs but she is very happy so I’ve been supportive (never said anything negative about him). However since they got back together she hasn’t bothered to phone me once to see how DP is - when she broke up with her BF she woukd phone or text me 5 or 6 times a day. I had some particularly bad times were DP fell unconscious, was on life support and court action was being taken to see if he had the mental capacity to decide about care and treatment etc. He has also been threatened with loosing our home. . All very stressful - I phoned and texted her (over three months) about 5 times saying I was having a difficult time and would really appreciate a chat. Each time she said she was too busy (row with her eldest daughter, picking son up, meal with the in laws, niece had come out as gay etc), every time she suggested another time more convienient for her something else would come up and she would cancel. She made me feel as though speaking to me was a chore which just added to how bad everything felt so after some really helpful advice from Mumsnetters I decided to just leave it. I texted her wishing her well (which I do )but saying we should just leave things be in the future.

In the past few weeks she has started texting saying she misses our friendship. Saying she thinks there has been a misunderstanding, that she wasn’t getting my texts until late etc. I think the reality is that she was happy and couldn’t be bothered. I do understand that but don’t really see how we can be friends again. I feel let down. She says we have been friends for so long but I don’t think I’d ever trust her again . I haven’t really noticed or missed our friendship - on a day to day basis she simply hasn’t been there. I think if she was a real friend she would have found time. AIBU in thinking we should just leave it now or should I make a final effort? We have known each other for so long but she just hasn’t been who I thought she was.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/08/2019 12:36

No question now Cut it off. She threw it all back on you. She's a bitch. You can do without her.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/08/2019 14:28

Christ, she's a cow isn't she. Agree completely with shatnerswig.

CalmdownJanet · 01/08/2019 14:46

She copied her counsellor in on the message? Did I write that write? She's a cunt, she's totally gas lighting you and now she wants it in writing so she can whinge about how hard done she is in her sessions. That woman is a taker and no friend. I would reply:

"Jenny, I wish you well in all you do, I have been there with you for everything , I left my dying husband in hospital when you needed me. But I have nothing left to give, I have a husband that needs me and my own issues. I missed our friendship at the beginning, but time has gone on and I no longer do. When I needed you, you were not there. I am not a closed book, I asked you for help and did not get it. I am afraid I am not in the market for a one sided friendship. As I say I wish you well but I deserve so much more from a friend"

CalmdownJanet · 01/08/2019 14:47

And you do deserve more Flowers

Highfivemum · 01/08/2019 15:33

You need to walk away. The trust has gone and she sounds very self absorbed. I have had a similar experience. I walked away. Occasionally we speak but just as the odd how are you. I no longer get involved in her dramas.
I wish you well. You sound like you have a lot on your plate. I would love a friend as loyal as you have been. Good luck 💕

FrenchBoule · 01/08/2019 15:43

Phrase I read somewhere on MN

“An honest person will apologise, liar will get defensive”

So sorry OP for all you’re going through with your DH 💐💐💐

Drop this friend.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 01/08/2019 20:29

Her behaviour is indefensible. Even if there was fault in both sides, she could have just said something like "I'm sorry things haven't been good between us, let's start afresh" instead of blaming you (closed book) and looking for sympathy.

The fact is, she isn't improving your life just now, she's just adding unnecessary stress which is actually quite cruel, given your husband's health. You'd expect better from a stranger.

SaraNade · 01/08/2019 20:53

Gees she is piece of work! I would suggest you copy your actual OP to her as she cced her counsellor. The counsellor will read it. You could reword it from 'I've been friends with someone' to 'I've been friends with you' and change the 'she's' to 'you's. Send it, then block her. That could be your final say/last word.

HopelessLayout · 01/08/2019 21:08

Unfortunately some people are crap in a crisis. My best friend is the same. Unless you live your life in a constant state of crisis you should probably forgive and forget.

ThanosSavedMe · 01/08/2019 21:17

I’d either ignore or copy and paste what CalmdownJanet wrote

Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Inches · 01/08/2019 21:26

Do you have her counsellor’s contacts if she copied her in on her communication to you? If so, I would be sure to cc her with CalmDownJanet’s reply.

adognamedhog · 01/08/2019 21:30

I'm so sorry about your DP. I'm 18 months on from a close friendship that broke down very suddenly. I tried to fix it at the time even though I knew I wasn't in the wrong. The more I tried, the more I felt let down. I still think about her now but I don't regret walking away in the end. Things could never have been like they were again.

WTAFisthis · 01/08/2019 21:36

My (what I thought) Best Friend, sent me a very causal 'hope he's ok' text when my son was in intensive care following a car accident. Our friendship never recovered.

Cocobean30 · 01/08/2019 21:45

OP, I’m so sorry to hear about your DH.

If you feel like her support would help you, even having her to rant to, then you could continue the friendship purely for YOUR benefit. So you have a support system, and not for her to use you. If she fails to live up to this you can cut her off once and for all. But put yourself first here.

AnnonniMoose · 01/08/2019 22:29

Oh OP, I too am sorry to hear about your DH Flowers.

I too had a friend like this. Every time she was happy with a b/f I never heard from her. Every time it ended she came to cry on my shoulder. I didn't mind at all - she was my friend of 20 years after all, and that's what friends are for, right.

Then, my twins were born at 28 weeks. Four months in NICU, various surgeries etc - she never once came to visit them in hospital or even bothered asking how they were. They were 6 months old before she even bothered meeting them for the first time. After she had her DS I was there for her as usual. We arranged play dates - always at my house, at my invitation. Her and DS sleeping over and my ex watching the DC while her and I went out for drinks - with her always being the centre of male attention and me feeling like a spare tyre. In 10 years we were only once invited to her house, and that was only for a couple of hours.

I'd see the photos on FB of her going out to parties with her besties and what a wonderful life she was having, but she never contacted me, because she didn't need me. Broke up with a b/f - guess who she contacted.

I eventually got so fed up of her being a user that I just cut contact completely. She occasionally likes my FB posts, but hasn't once been in contact over the last 6 years, as she's now in a happy relationship.

I agree with the others - she wants something from you. I'd just tell her sorry but no, and cut contact.

billy1966 · 01/08/2019 22:49

Oh OP, you have so much on your plate trying to keep going and you sound so lovely.

She has shown you repeatedly who she is. Believe her.

She is certainly not a friend.

I wouldn't waste a moment more on her.

I wouldn't get into it with her, I just wouldn't respond.

Her excuses are so poor.

She is utterly self absorbed.

Your last paragraph is the epitaph of your friendship.

I wish you the best, I wish you had more support around you.

Sadly I don't think you will get it from her.

Smelborp · 01/08/2019 23:28

I would have been on the fence until that phone call. Blaming you for it all while you have so much going on is unforgivable.

EKGEMS · 01/08/2019 23:31

Hopeless Forgive and forget? Are you serious????? OP I'm thinking of you at this horrible time. Thanks

Weskit · 01/08/2019 23:50

@HopelessLayout, did you actually read the OP? Her husband is terminally ill, and has collapsed and has panic-inducing emergency episodes where he needs resuscitation — so yes, I’d say the OP’s life is currently in a permanent state of crisis.

It’s not like you cracking a nail or discovering Sharon from Accounts making eyes at your boyfriend. Hmm

Aria999 · 02/08/2019 00:59

It's all about her, isn't it?

Tell her you just don't have any spare emotional energy at the moment. If she wants to reach out and support you then maybe that would work (sounds like maybe not though).

Otherwise if she's going to make things worse for you then you need at least a break from this relationship while you deal with the important and horrible things going on in your life.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 03:31

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
FairyF1 · 02/08/2019 09:26

Thank you all for your very kind and supportive messages. I think I do need to just forget about her now - I was managing and getting on with things, after our conversation she has been in my thoughts but I'm sure that will go after a day or so.

I was surprised that she was copying her counsellor into our messages - but it was done in a deliberate kind of way so I would know eg 'June, this is what I have sent to F...' All a bit odd and I'm not sure why? -she did it two /three times so I don't think it was accidental. Perhaps because I said I was pleased things were going much better for her now and hoped and was sure they would continue to be good in the future? Maybe she was trying to show things aren't as good as she's posting on social media? Who knows. Anyway I suppose it doesn't really matter - all just a bit odd. We'd been friends for so long and I will miss how things used to be but they are very different now and I need to remember that.,

Thank you again for all your help and advice - you have all been amazing. Thank you.

OP posts:
ReeReeR · 04/08/2019 13:51

I hope you are feeling better about it all OP

ddl1 · 04/08/2019 14:01

I am very sorry about your DP's illness. I would respond positively to your friend's overtures, assuming that she has been merely neglectful and not actively vicious. It may be that she has also had serious things going on in her life, and/or has mental health issues (especially as you mention that she was feeling suicidal on a previous occasion). You might have to accept that it would be a more casual friendship in the future than in the past and that, perhaps because of her own issues, you can't totally depend on her for support at all times. And of course your DP's needs at this time must come before hers, or any friend's. But I wouldn't automatically hold a grudge against her.

Grumpelstilskin · 04/08/2019 15:01

Wow! Fuck her OP! You have a lot more important stuff to deal with. She is a self-absorbed, manipulative cowbag!