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Original poster

Considering 2nd baby in failing marriage

83 replies

Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 00:45

Name changed for this.

I know this will sound like an odd dilemma from the off but DH and I have a 2 year old daughter and had always planned to start trying for a 2nd child when she was around 1. We have put off however, because we have had relationship problems from daughter being around 6 months. Completely unrelated to her arrival, just to be clear. We now live seperately and get on better that way. Our daughter is thriving and has a close relationship with her Daddy.

I told him recently that I do regret that our daughter will not now have a sibling. I don't wish to offend any parents with 1 child families and realise this is a very sensitive issue but I grew up as an only child and was very lonely and do feel I missed out on valuable bonds and experiences. To this day I will admit to occasional pangs of envy when I see how close most of my friends are to their siblings and how much support they continue to provide each other although I know that is not always the case. I feel very sad to think that my daughter will not have a sibling.

The thing is, DH feels the same and has made it clear that he would be happy to try for a 2nd child despite our unusual (and let's face it, less than ideal) circumstances.

DP and I get on very well as parents and he is great with our daughter so I would have no hesitation in co-parenting with him again.

I dismissed the idea initially but I am starting to wonder if it is actually such a bad idea. I would very much like another baby and my personal view is that my daughter would benefit.

I will admit that a small part of me is worried about what other people would think and I am annoyed with myself for caring but as you can imagine, I would end up facing some tricky questions from tactless people!

Am I crazy to be considering this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybebabymaybenot · 30/07/2019 00:46

Please excuse typos, it's past my bedtime!

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 30/07/2019 01:14

Honestly? If you can make the finances work, sure. It's basically intentional single parenting plus additional support. Anyone who would support a woman having a second baby from the same donor sperm should support this.

It's also safer than a stepfather, for your first child.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 30/07/2019 01:22

I admire your honesty

being an old biddy, I've observed much and know many people. Anecdotally, several friend and acquaintances have had 'Elastoplast' babies over the years in an attempt to hold a relationship together, one even went so far as to fake a reconciliation in order to get a second child, she then terminated the marriage.

What you and your H are doing is sensible and honest, if unconventional.

Expressedways · 30/07/2019 01:26

As long as you could handle the emotional aspect of having regular sex with your not-quite-ex (or would you go down the assisted conception route?!) and the finances of adding a second whilst maintaining 2 households then I agree it’s not a terrible idea. It’s not all that different to using a sperm donor except with the added benefit of having a loving and involved co-parent. Sure it’s not conventional but it sounds like it might be a really good thing for all of you. Good luck if you do decide to go for it!

Iris27 · 30/07/2019 01:43

Do it
You'll only regret it if you don't. I wish my ex would agree to this. It's the reason I can't sleep now (we have frozen embryos)

Ilady · 30/07/2019 01:45

Just because you grew up as a lonely only child does not mean your daughter will end up the same. Their is no guarantee she will get on with an other sibling. Do you think having another child will bring your ex back to living with you? The truth is you and your childs father have split up. He might say we can try for another child but what's happens if he decides this was a bad idea when your pregnant?
You are being extremely selfish to think of bring another child into a non existent relationship. Your 2 year old does not want another sibling but it all about what you want. It time you grew up and accepted that your relationship with your child's father is over. You and him have to accept this and not bring another child into a broken relationship.
You don't know what will happen in the future but you need to put your daughters needs ahead of the 2nd child you want.

Nandocushion · 30/07/2019 02:04

I admire your honesty too and I think if you both go into it honestly, it could work out well.

I have a sibling with whom I have a lot of difficulties - they in fact are not speaking to me at the moment, and have gone NC in the past as well (we are political opposites and both very stubborn). But I am nevertheless extremely thankful to have someone who will always understand (when speaking to me, obvs) what I'm moaning about when it comes to our parents, elder care etc. I would feel very alone without this. I know there are many who would disagree though.

GibbonLover · 30/07/2019 02:08

my personal view is that my daughter would benefit

Will she though? Take the baby blinkers off for a moment. You will, in effect, be a single mother of two. How will you manage? What if (God forbid) the new arrival has issues? What if you have a difficult birth? What if DD feels displaced by the new baby? What if the two siblings hate each other? As you already know, there is no guarantee that the children will get along. What are your plans for dealing with these things as a single mother?

What if DP meets someone else and they have a child? Any maintenance paid would reduce and he would have to spend less time with your children. Remember that he can say he doesn't want any more DC with anyone else until he's blue in the face but if there's an accident and his new partner decides she wants to continue the pregnancy then he will have another child.

These are all things that might or might not happen. It might be sensible to determine what your coping strategies will be.

Childcar12 · 30/07/2019 02:24

I’m with @GibbonLover having one child is much easier than having two!!! I think the idea is bonkers given your situation OP for all the reasons that @GibbonLover has just stated!! Don’t do it!! Take the rose tinted glasses off for one minute and ACTUALLY think of how difficult you would be making it for everyone!! Sorry!

Kpo58 · 30/07/2019 02:46

I can see it working. I'm sure that they would prefer going off to see their dad together rather than having siblings with different fathers and the issues that could cause.

MammaBot211 · 30/07/2019 03:10

Did you not post about this a few weeks ago? Sorry if it was not you, but op is very similar.

Stopandlook · 30/07/2019 03:15

I guess it kind of makes sense. If you can stand to have sex with each other...

Cosentyx · 30/07/2019 03:48

Go for it.

Rtmhwales · 30/07/2019 04:31

My friend and her DH decided to do this while realizing they would most likely divorce. They had their second and are, sadly, divorcing now that DC2 is 14 months. They're happy they made the decision to have another, and seems like they might make a good effort out of this. They seem to coparent well at the moment even though they've only recently separated. I could see it working.

PhoenixBuchanan · 30/07/2019 04:42

I don't think it's a bad idea at all.

It seems initially a bit nuts, but it is far less complicated than a blended family. And if he feels the same, and you co-parent well together, and you both always envisioned two, then really why on earth not?

I will say that I agree with some PPs- parenting two is MUCH harder than one. I think you probably need a firm co-parenting plan and clear expectations in place to make this work.

Also- what about the sex?? kind of dying to know about this bit actually

Gatoadigrado · 30/07/2019 04:58

Probably far more likely to be successful than a blended family, since you already share a child and clearly have agreement over parenting matters. A harmonious relationship is so important, and it seems you have that, albeit unconventionally.

The part that rings alarms bells though is the assumption that having a sibling is certain to be a positive thing for your dd and will make her happier. It might, but there’s every chance she’d equally happy being an only child. You simply can’t predict these things and it sounds like you’re basing your view simply on your own experience. Many only children are very happy as they are.

It’s also worth talking through with your ex what you’d do if you had a child with SEN or who was just particularly difficult ... that can put a strain on the best of relationships. I know you say you get on very well but clearly not well enough to live under the same roof and parent as a couple, so don’t go into it with rose tinted glasses

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 30/07/2019 06:34

I think that if you both want to have another child, it's sensible to do this, rather than meeting someone new.

VivienneHolt · 30/07/2019 06:41

If you like and respect each other enough to have a second baby and co-parent, is there no hope for the marriage?

This sounds like a risky option to me from an emotional perspective, but you appear to be being open and honest with each other about it. Only you can decide if the benefits outweigh the risks.

isthismylifenow · 30/07/2019 06:50

If it is what you want, then do it. Not for the purposes of salvaging your relationship is the thing that you both need to realize though.

But be prepared, you had a newborn two years ago whilst living with dh. Its not a walk in the park doing it alone. As you will be, unless he moves back in with you.

LittleFairywren · 30/07/2019 06:58

Why deliberately bring a child into a relationship that's already broken down? What's the benefit for the new baby? I think it's pretty selfish to be honest. You're only thinking about yourself. What if the co patenting relationship breaks down?

katewhinesalot · 30/07/2019 07:05

If he's that good a dad and likes kids, I would say it's fairly certain he will have more kids in the future with another partner. You may well do too. How does this fit in with your plans? Emotionally, practically and financially?

MissBPotter · 30/07/2019 07:17

Lots of people will say no because they think that having a single child is better for the planet or whatever (not sure this is true in fact) but if you both want to I think you should. People do, in general, benefit from having siblings.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2019 07:19

If you have another baby (madness) be honest. It's for you not your DC. They may not get on with their sibling. Not all children do.

Sort your marriage out one way or the other and move on.

hadthesnip2 · 30/07/2019 07:20

Of course your dh agrees......he'll get regular sex for a while. Then he'll bugger off & let you carry it for 9 months. Win win for him.

FookMeFookYou · 30/07/2019 07:21

Fgs, this is totally about your own needs and fuck all to do with the potential child.

Also how will your or your ex's new partner, if and when you meet someone, view this arrangement - If you could both so easily be intimate despite saying you aren't together, so much so that you created another child! I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole or trust you.

Honestly the mind boggles.

So you can financially support this arrangement and I'm sure the child would be loved. But a child should be created out of love (when there is a choice), not convenience or to fulfil some ideals of the parents.

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